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Original poster

First Relate session - mixed feelings

28 replies

Birthdayshit · 26/05/2019 17:27

Not sure how I feel about our session. Initially thought it went well but now I'm not so sure.

During the discussion my partner said

  • that when we first met he didn't find me physically attractive and I was more overweight than he was looking for (I was a size 14)
  • that he doesn't see how our relationship can be saved
  • when asked by the counsellor why we were still together, he basically said he was grateful that I'd stuck by him through several recent years of absolute hell (including unemployment, bereavement, serious illness, court proceedings, MH issues) and he felt indebted to me/ didn't think he'd find anyone else. My answer was that I love and care for him, value him and hope we can try and rebuild to the happy relationship we once had.
-he also said he didn't understand why I wasn't angry about the problems in our relationship because he is furious about them and I dont care (I do care, I just don't need a toddler tantrum to show that).

Afterwards he said I need to make more effort with him. I corrected him and said actually I think we BOTH need to make more effort. He likes to paint it as he does everything but that isn't the case.

I'm not sure it can be fixed. And I'm pretty irritated by what he said.

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 26/05/2019 17:33

I'm so sorry, OP. Did he say anything positive about you/ the relationship? What are these problems that he is 'furious' about?

Chamomileteaplease · 26/05/2019 17:36

OOh, he doesn't sound great to be honest Sad. Yes what is he so "furious" about??

I hope the counsellor backed you up when you said actually we both need to make an effort.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/05/2019 17:40

There doesn't seem to be anything in there about any effort from him, just what YOU can do to keep him happy, after telling you he found you too overweight when he met (at a size 14, yeh right). It doesn't sound like he is invested in saving the relationship at this point. Sad

Original poster
Birthdayshit · 26/05/2019 17:41

His issue is that we dont spend enough time together/ that we don't have enough intimacy. That when we do have sex it's unsatisfactory.

What annoys me is I am attractive. I'm not supermodel material but I've got a pretty face, decent figure and I look good for my age. He did say that after some recent changes to my appearance (I've lost weight, new clothes etc) he is jealous that other men are looking at me. That was probably as positive as it got.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/05/2019 17:46

Is he basically having a tantrum because you don't provide the sex life he wants?

Original poster
Birthdayshit · 26/05/2019 17:58

Possibly although I don't think he knows what sex or intimacy he wants. I've never refused sex since we've been together.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/05/2019 18:03

Has he told you want sort of sexiest wants?Confused

emotionalaffair · 26/05/2019 19:07

Who initiated the counselling, you or him?

Original poster
Birthdayshit · 26/05/2019 20:09

It was a joint decision - we seem to struggle to communicate effectively with each other about issues so hoped this would be a way to work on that.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 26/05/2019 20:26

A half-way decent counsellor would have asked why he 'made do' with a size 14. And would have challenged him on why he married someone he says he wasn't attracted to

A new counsellor would help. One who can solidify that this isn;t you.

ChristmasFluff · 26/05/2019 20:27

Some counsellors can spot liars, and some can't, and so add to the abuse

Original poster
Birthdayshit · 26/05/2019 20:39

I've never been to any form of counselling so had no idea to what extent they question what you say...as this was our first session it seemed to be very much info gathering rather than offering any advice or comment. This counsellor doesn't have any free slots currently so we will probably be seeing someone else when we start the sessions proper in a few weeks.

I should say we're not married. That's not going to happen as he refuses to get married again. He was married before, and has said he wasn't attracted to his wife but it was a pragmatic decision (he referred to this also on the session). It's odd though because when we first got together he always used to tell me how pretty I was. Yet now he didn't fancy me when we met Confused

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/05/2019 20:42

It sounds like he's a liar and bullshitter tbh.

Thanks
Deathgrip · 26/05/2019 20:46

He sounds bloody awful. What’s wrong with your sex life exactly?

Original poster
Birthdayshit · 26/05/2019 20:59

We don't have sex often enough. The last time was about 3 months ago I think. Although he says it is 6 months ago (it definitely wasn't that long). Counsellor said we should accept we have different recollections on that...

OP posts:
justilou1 · 26/05/2019 21:01

I think you have very good reason to be pissed off. Mostly with partner, but with the assassination. Meanwhile, I guess now you’ve heard it from the horse’s mouth, it’s going to be hard not to unhear it. He has a rather unreasonable sense of entitlement, doesn’t he? He wants a horny sex Barbie who adores and worships him DESPITE all the shit he puts her through, and yet he ALSO wants her to get angry with him to prove intimacy because he does everything in the relationship? Oh, but he’s not going to marry you because he deserves better.
Your partner is a bit of a misogynist, and you deserve MUCH better than this. Why are you turning yourself inside out for this man who will never see you as anything other than a superficial reflection of his very changeable needs. At the moment he needs you to be unattractive so that you don’t fit his idea of what he wants. He needs you to be unsupportive so that he can live with the fact that he bloody owes you. He needs to think that he does everything while he’s calling the shots and you’re running yourself ragged. I call BS. He needs a bloody mirror held up to his face and a reality check.

RandomMess · 26/05/2019 21:01

More lying from him...

With an attitude like his I'm not surprised you'd feel like having Dec with him!

Deathgrip · 26/05/2019 21:17

So you’ve never refused sex (I hope this is because you always want it?!) but you’re not having it often enough - I assume this is somehow your fault too?

If you’re not married, why are you still with this negging piece of shit? I assume he’s not exactly a svelte oil painting himself? He’s gross.

Original poster
Birthdayshit · 26/05/2019 21:35

Yes, I'd only agree to sex if I wanted It, I don't feel any obligation around sex - in a past relationship I have had partners who would happily have had sex multiple times a day. Those I often refused. In this relationship, I would say he only initiates about 1 in 3 or 4 of the times we have sex (and because it isn't that frequent that he does initiate it's never been a time when I wasn't up for it). The last few months we've not been getting on well, or if we have it's been when I'm on my period so neither of us have started anything.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 26/05/2019 21:39

I'd ditch the counselling he sounds like a prick he didn't find his wife attractive but married her didn't find you attracted but got with you anyway you're worth so much more I've been with an insecure bully like this they work by knocking you dow to build them up

Original poster
Birthdayshit · 26/05/2019 21:39

the putting me down is a new thing, literally in the last few weeks. He has been having some MH issues so I've cut him some slack, plus we've not been getting on Well so I thought it would improve. But the not fancying me when we first met...I've never heard him say that before. He had said in the past I was bigger than he thought he wanted but always used to turn it into a compliment - not this time! I felt like the basics of our relationship were good but the more I think about what he said in the session I feel less and less sure of it.

OP posts:
emotionalaffair · 27/05/2019 09:08

When people are getting ready to leave relationships they rewrite the past to justify it to themselves. I've seen it so many times. My sister did it and fell out with me when I pointed out examples that showed what she was saying wasn't true. My DH did it too and again I was able to point to concrete examples that showed what he was saying was not true.

Bit harder to prove that he was attracted to you on the beginning of your relationship, but I find it very unlikely that you would start a relationship with someone you were never attracted to.

The question here is whether he really wants to save the marriage or is counselling a way of showing that he "tried" before leaving.

If he'd instigated the counselling I'd have said there was an OW. There was in both my sister (OM) and DH's case.

Our first counselling session was awful too, but subsequent sessions after we'd both had time to reflect were very positive. So don't write it off just yet.

RandomMess · 27/05/2019 10:00

One of my first thoughts was that he is setting the scene to leave and blame you hence rewriting history...

Justbreathing · 27/05/2019 10:31

Sounds like he’s doing to you what he did to his ex wife.

I mean marrying one person who you don’t find attractive is a bit Confused doing it twice makes me think he’s a liar.

Original poster
Birthdayshit · 27/05/2019 11:32

The rewriting history bit is odd...I don't get why he's suddenly saying it. And then saying how he's jealous of other men looking at me. It's so inconsistent and makes no sense.

OP posts: