Are you happier married?

[PenelopePink]

Just that really. I've been reading the book 'Happily Ever After' and the author argues that people are pretty much as happy married as they are single ie if you're unhappy while single you won't find marriage will be that magic ticket to happiness either, and that if you're content single you will also be content married.

I've been thinking about this a lot and think that I'm probably the same now in terms of happiness than I was before I met DH, but have also had phases in our marriage when things haven't gone well and I have been much LESS happy, and that due to my anxious attachment style I was certainly less happy when I first fell for him - I was probably happier when I wasn't interested in anyone than when we first got together and I was always anxious/waiting for messages etc.

I just wondered what other people thought?

I’m not married but in a LTR and definitely happier. Everything I’ve read seems to suggest happiness increases with marriage or a life partner but decreases with children.

Exactly the same. DH and I have been together 10 years and married for one.

It's our first wedding anniversary soon and we're not even celebrating it!

I used to think so, but I suspect I was kidding myself. I’m a bit over it at the moment, but we are rowing in different directions.

CaptainM speaks for me - happiest ever as a divorced single parent with chunks of childfree time and a live-out, helpful, DP. Definitely better than being married for me (and for the DC as they now have a father who is forced to be hands-on and proactive rather than always defaulting to me).

• My suspicion is that a lot of women put themselves second within marriage, and would be much happier alone if they were not so afraid of it.

For instance, there is research that women have less time for their own hobbies and interests within any opposite-sex live-in relationship, whereas men have more time*

I'm probably happy in my marriage because this isn't true for me.

If I did put myself second it definitely wouldn't be a happy marriage. I have plenty of friends and hobbies, I couldn't just be a wife that mainly pleased her husband. I'd rather be single!

Much happier being married than I would be if single. I have someone intelligent to talk to an d debate things with, someone who shares what needs doing. Some one to make me feel appreciated. He cheers me up when I'm feeling down. We pursue our individual hobbies but a joint social life and as i would have made a very inadequate single parent the joy our children have brought us and the pleasure of their company now they have grown up and flown the net is another good reason we work better together than we would as two singles.

Yea I am definitely am, I really love being married.

What Captain said, with bells on!!

I think there is a difference between being happy single without a partner and being happy in a partnership but not married. Also, life is very different for most people in their single/unmarried years (20s) than in later years when they are more likely to be married (30s/40s/50s).

I would say I am happier being married than not being married (I wouldn't want to be single and I wouldn't want to be dating my dh but not married as I would be stressed to not have the financial security that marriage has brought us both). I'd also say I'm overall more content with my life and it's much more exactly how I want it to be now (nearly 40) than I was when I was single (in my 20s). I'm more settled, have achieved the things I wanted to achieve professionally, enjoy my children, have a much more comfortable lifestyle and fewer worries.

But definitely my life was a lot more fun and carefree when I was in my 20s without the responsibilities of children or career obligations I have now. That's not because I'm married though, just because when you're 24, you can travel and stay out all night and do what you want. But I'm not 24 anymore and I have to get up at 5am and go to work and have to do the food shopping and pay bills, etc. I'd have to do that at 38 whether I was married or not though. I don't take on more of it because I'm married and my dh doesn't do his share. It's just life is more boring as you get older.

Having been married and divorced, I can not tell you how happy I am to be single. I have THE most amazing 3 daughters, and together we are dynamite! My ex and I are more in love now than ever before. We met as best friends and luckily for all included, this is still the case.
In fact, I would say we are even more so. This is by far the best scenario for us ; although not for everyone . He's a fantastic dad, and is very fair money wise. The girls see and stay with him every week and I know I can count on him no matter what. Now, don't get me wrong, we have been split for 5 years and are still both single, so I am unsure if this were to change, say one of us met another love interest, whether things would continue to be as good. But what is so weird (although maybe it shouldn't be,) is I really don't want another relationship . I'm so happy with my girls and my clean house and my non existent timetable and my do as I please manner and not answer to anyone or have another 'child' to look after and eat and watch whatever I want, whenever I want, (no more football, yey,) and all the rest - you get the drift, yadayadyada!
I am happy. Now, although this is the life for me, I encourage my daughters to do and need whatever they desir

I'm happier. But I like having a partner and children. It isn't necessarily so for everyone, and I don't think we do ourselves any favours presenting them as ubiquitous.

I’m blissfully happy being married but I think part of that is to do with being childfree! Literally love my life. If we had children I think our relationship would suffer. Thankfully never going down that road!

I think if I was single I would wish to be married and start a family. DH is wonderful and I love being married to him.

However we did go through a patch when I wished we hadn’t been married. Illness and dementia is an interesting one: I suppose being married can make life harder for one party and better for the other. It is very touching to see true love in these circumstances though (not limited to married relationships - children, friends, relatives too).

I'm really happily married but I feel people should be under no illusions. It can be a slog, there's times when you want to stabstruggle but overall it's the best thing I feel I've ever done. I did go into it with my eyes firmly open though, no fairy tale bullshit here

I really love being single and living alone. I don't think I'll live with another man again ever.

I was much happier being single. Getting married was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I don’t know why I did it! I absolutely adore my kids but if I could have my time again I’d do it IVF on my own. Before I met my husband I was independent, happy, secure, loved where I was living, had a great set of friends..literally laughed every single day with joy. Then marriage meant giving all of that up. Everything became on his terms. Never again if I had the choice. My advice to any woman would be to get financially independent and have the kids without the need for a bloke.

I’m happy but my children are now teenagers. My husband and I really get each other’s humour and have such a good/easy time together, we laugh a lot. I’d be pretty lost without him.

I had a hell of a time through toddler hood.

Some days i feel absurdly happy, actually- to have my freedom so curtailed by children and then retuned has been a gift. Love my kids so much but it was so hard.

@higgyhog I mean if being “much happier” results in your eight year or so long affair you pursued and detailed at length on here then give me misery!

“We pursue our individual hobbies”...where do I start
I can only hope your husband has more family friendly hobbies than some of your own

I had some great times being single and sometimes I wish I’d spent more time on my own after splitting from my ex and buying my own house. But I felt an enormous pressure at 25 to find somebody. I got really down about being on my own, but not because I minded being on my own but because I thought I ought to be with someone. When I read it now in black and white it sounds pretty stupid.

But I love my DH and genuinely believe I’ve met my soul mate. It’s a nice feeling being so loved and being so in love.

In short, yes.

I was married for 10 years. I enjoyed coming home to someone, having someone to confide in and spent time with, doing things as a family, 'getting' each other, and of course I loved him.
I'm now divorced (and over the initial emotions associated with that) and it is lonely. I have friends and family but it is not the same feeling of closeness that you have with a long term partner/husband.

Happier married than I have ever been. I get to be with my best friend every day! It's blissful. I dread to contemplate what my life would be like were I single. Probably dreadful!

I love the feeling of security that being married brings. DH always has my back and vice versa. We’re like a little team of two and no-one else is allowed to join, ever 😜 We have so many plans for the future too. I was happy single but also felt worried that i’d Be alone forever because I didn’t want that.

The romantic part of our relationship hasn't changed but we feel more secure in other ways. We now can decide for the other in hospital if necessary, we inherit from each other, if we have a child we both have parental rights etc. It's nice that a lot of rights are arranged now that we are married.

I was with my partner for 21 years. Lots of boyfriends before that. I always hated being single. always had a preoccupied attachment style. So my partner somehow took up a lot of space in me. It ended badly and 2.5 years down the road I wouldn't say I am 'happy' or happier - but I feel at times more whole. I can't say I'm gagging for a relationship either - I'm not sure they are good for me. Just wish I was 40 now instead of 55.

There is no easy answer to your question..... or maybe there is - it's not about the relationship with another person it's the relationship with yourself that is crucial. All else follows.

It must be great being married, but only if it is the right one for you. I was not with the right one, so I hated it. I do love the freedom of being single, but I would love to be with the right person. That would be the best thing ever.