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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband hates my friend

34 replies

girlnextdooor · 26/05/2019 05:42

Hey mumsnetters,

I would appreciate everyone's opinions here as I'm at a loss.

Hubby and I have been married for 7 years, together for 10. For the last 6 years we have lived next door to the same couple and have become really good friends with them.

DH and the orher male have very little in common, as do I and the female. However me and my male next door neighbor have a lot in common, same taste in books and TV shows, both like to follow politics, sports, cooking, and so on.

Our friendship is 100% platonic. We have never spent time together alone without our spouses around and have never exchanged a text that would be considered in the slightest bit flirty. I often reply to any messages I get from him right infront of my husband and do not feel uncomfortable doing this.

His partner is absolutely comfortable with our friendship, my husband is not. Things came to a very ugly head on Saturday evening where after returning home from separate social events, the male of the couple next doors texted me and asked if we (both DH and i) would like to go over and have a drink with them. Both members of the couple would be present.

My husband is of the belief that it is inappropriate for him to be messaging me invites Iike this, and that an invite like that should come male to male.

After a big argument, he disclosed to me that he is aware that my neighbor has had an affair in the past, and that therefore he does not trust him to be friends with me. I'm frustrated as I feel that he is making assumptions about our friends motives, and I'm also a little hurt that he doesnt recognize that it would take two to tango in that circumstance and I definitely do not want to dance (so to speak)

It all ended rather dramatically where DH forced me to text my neighbour and tell him that I didn't feel comfortable talking to him anymore. Which is untrue but after some seriously long arguments I felt like I had no choice. I don't have many friends and am hurt that I have lost one.

Any advice or thougts appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
girlnextdooor · 26/05/2019 05:57

I should probably also add that I am openly bisexual. As such I personally see very little difference between the friendships I strike with men and the ones I strike with females

OP posts:
Starlight2004 · 26/05/2019 05:58

It's a tricky one but it doesn't feel right that your husband forced you to send a text saying something that essentially wasn't true. The truth would have been to tell your friend that your husband wasn't comfortable with the friendship continuing. Is he controlling in other ways or is this a one off issue? I'm not sure my husband would be happy with me spending a lot of one to one time with a male friend but it doesn't sound like this has been the case so I'm not sure what he has a problem with, he seems to feel that he's nipping something in the bud, but I think like you I would have a problem with this as it Implies a lack of trust.

SupaNintendoChalmers · 26/05/2019 06:23

It's not really fair, you don't see him alone and just because the neighbour has had an affair what does that have to do with you?
It's your husband's responsibility to trust you, I'd be a bit insulted.

flumpybear · 26/05/2019 06:23

I think just have a WhatsApp group chat as its all plain for all to see

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 26/05/2019 06:30

It seems like controlling behaviour from what you’ve written. Personally I would not put up with that. As for the contact being male to male, fuck that, this isn’t 1950. It’s about trust too isn’t it? If your hubby doesn’t trust you then you have a real problem.

DrMorbius · 26/05/2019 06:53

Your DH sounds like a bully. It all ended rather dramatically where DH forced me to text my neighbour and tell him that I didn't feel comfortable talking to him anymore.
Your DH forced you to do something you didn't want to do, is that not a huge red flag to you? He controlled who you allowed to see?????
What would have happened, if you point blank refused to send that text like I would have done?.

BTW not sure what the bisexual part has relevance. Unless you suspect in future he will control who you see, in terms of both males and females because of your sexuality.

magicBrenda · 26/05/2019 07:05

Well I would imagine both sides of the fence are going to be really uncomfortable now.

He should not have forced you to text anything and that’s bullying.

However I think I would feel uncomfortable too if this was happening with DH.

My mum always used to get friendly with the neighbours and it always resulted in the bloke making a drunken pass at her. Very 80s council estate.

elessar · 26/05/2019 07:26

I think your husband is really unreasonable to have reacted like that.

However I am slightly confused that you say you have little in common with the wife and your husband has little in common with the husband and yet you've become good friends with them. Is it just you and the husband who are good friends? Is your husband and the wife sidelined when you socialise together?

Carpetburns · 26/05/2019 07:30

You husband is being weird and controlling. I have plenty of male friends and my husband doesn't have a problem with it because he trusts me/isn't insecure.

whiteroseredrose · 26/05/2019 07:44

Just checking. Your DH has nothing in common with the male but you have lots in common with him. That sounds a bit like you have more in common with neighbour than you do with your DH.

overdrive · 26/05/2019 08:35

he disclosed to me that he is aware that my neighbor has had an affair in the past

And do you know this to be true?

MumsyJ · 26/05/2019 08:36

Forcing you to send a text to someone that's meant to be your friend is totally out of order.

Shame you did send it already, but I do agree with a PP that suggested a WhatsApp group for the quartet, that way everything is apparent?

Hope you're ok this morning OP.

Gigglinghysterically · 26/05/2019 08:39

You wrote a text you disagreed with just because the argument with your DH went on for a long time? Then you only have yourself to blame. You clearly aren't a very good friend if you are prepared to lie to your friend. If you texted at all you should have told him you feel unable to talk to him anymore as your DH is uncomfortable with your relationship. Why lie?

What on earth is your friend going to think or did you tell him why you (supposedly) feel too uncomfortable to talk to him any more?

Does your DH have much in common with the woman next door, otherwise what do both of your partner's get out of this friendship? It sounds like you and your man friend are the only friends.

SimonJT · 26/05/2019 09:12

Jealous people don’t improve, they just become more and more jealous.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 26/05/2019 09:28

Is he like this in ay other areas of your relationship? Does he have form for being controlling,causing arguments and sulking until you give in?

AgentJohnson · 26/05/2019 09:41

Your H is jealous and a bully. I doubt very much that this is the first time that he has displayed these ugly characteristics.

Branleuse · 26/05/2019 09:42

Is this the only person hes jealous over? Is he normally ok with your friends and family?

If its a pattern, id say be wary. Red flag.
If this is the only person its happened with, then id say his spidey senses are tingling, and hes feeling massively insecure over this one, and id cut down the contact, especially if this guy has form for having affairs.

Branleuse · 26/05/2019 09:42

and if he has form for having affairs, then id be really surprised if his wife is as ok with it, as you think. How do you know this?

fedup21 · 26/05/2019 09:48

Your husband sounds like a bully. I feel very sorry for your neighbour receiving that text.

ChristmasFluff · 26/05/2019 12:19

Your husband doesn't have to trust the neighbour, he only has to trust you.

If I were you, I would point out that his behaviour is unacceptable, and implies that he doesn't trust you. Also that without trust there is no real relationship. This could be the start of some very nasty and controlling behaviour. Be really clear - his jealousy is his problem and not something for you to fix. Especially as you are bisexual - this could be the beginning of him completely isolating you.

Of course the husband wouldn't text him - he gets on with you better.

Your husband has shown you who he is. Do you like him?

ANewDawn10 · 26/05/2019 12:24

I wouldnt be comfortable if my dh was this friendly with our female neighbor. It's a bit too close to home. He shouldnt have forced you to text him, but on the other hand you should have realised that it is a bit inappropriate.

PicsInRed · 26/05/2019 12:25

Ordinarily I would say that he sounds controlling. But he is aware that your neighbour has form for affairs. Could your male neighbour be the male equivalent of the dog whistle girl? It won't be quite the same, but perhaps there is something in the male neighbour's behaviour which is obviously suspicious to your husband? Perhaps your husband can hear him whistle.

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a24736/beware-dog-whistle-girl/

JuniFora · 26/05/2019 19:01

I wouldn't be happy in your husbands position either. He doesn't know if nothing's going to happen or you're not intending for anything to happen. He just sees a man moving in on his wife and his wife welcoming that.

tribpot · 26/05/2019 19:06

He just sees a man moving in on his wife and his wife welcoming that.

How? When they never spend any time alone together and no messages are exchanged in secret?

OP, I worry that he is going to try and shut off any friendship on the grounds of someone supposedly making a move on someone else. I would stand firm - you already aren't socialising without your spouses present. I see almost all of my male friends without DH present (or their other halves either) as they are work friends and we tend to meet at lunchtime.

Robertsmithdoesmyhair · 26/05/2019 19:10

If the close friendship was between your husband and the neighbour's wife, how would you feel?

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