My husband hates my friend

[girlnextdooor]

Hey mumsnetters,

I would appreciate everyone's opinions here as I'm at a loss.

Hubby and I have been married for 7 years, together for 10. For the last 6 years we have lived next door to the same couple and have become really good friends with them.

DH and the orher male have very little in common, as do I and the female. However me and my male next door neighbor have a lot in common, same taste in books and TV shows, both like to follow politics, sports, cooking, and so on.

Our friendship is 100% platonic. We have never spent time together alone without our spouses around and have never exchanged a text that would be considered in the slightest bit flirty. I often reply to any messages I get from him right infront of my husband and do not feel uncomfortable doing this.

His partner is absolutely comfortable with our friendship, my husband is not. Things came to a very ugly head on Saturday evening where after returning home from separate social events, the male of the couple next doors texted me and asked if we (both DH and i) would like to go over and have a drink with them. Both members of the couple would be present.

My husband is of the belief that it is inappropriate for him to be messaging me invites Iike this, and that an invite like that should come male to male.

After a big argument, he disclosed to me that he is aware that my neighbor has had an affair in the past, and that therefore he does not trust him to be friends with me. I'm frustrated as I feel that he is making assumptions about our friends motives, and I'm also a little hurt that he doesnt recognize that it would take two to tango in that circumstance and I definitely do not want to dance (so to speak)

It all ended rather dramatically where DH forced me to text my neighbour and tell him that I didn't feel comfortable talking to him anymore. Which is untrue but after some seriously long arguments I felt like I had no choice. I don't have many friends and am hurt that I have lost one.

Any advice or thougts appreciated

Do the people who think it's inappropriate that op has a good friendship with a man, think that she also shouldn't have good friendships with women? Op is bisexual so surely she could cheat with a woman just as easily?

Op is bisexual so surely she could cheat with a woman just as easily?

And if the friend was a bisexual or gay woman I'm sure the husband would also be a bit 🤔.

Pics he could just as easily take offence to someone who isn't openly gay or bisexual. Anyone who doesn't have friends of the opposite sex at all because it's "not appropriate" is really quite sad in my view. This isn't the 50's

She can't just as easily cheat with a woman as most women aren't into other women like that. He obviously doesn't trust this man's intentions and his wife looks untrustworthy by lapping it up. People know when their partners interactions with another person is inappropriate. The body language and vibe between them is very different from genuinely platonic interactions. It's something you see and feel.

They're Not Just Friends (by Shirley Glass).

Juni there's absolutely nothing in the op that suggests there's anything inappropriate about the friendship. I would have sympathy for the DH if it sounded like boundaries had been crossed but if you start to allow your spouse to dictate your friendships based on their jealousy it's a slippery slope towards abusive behaviour

Jesus I would open a whatsapp group and continue chatting from there and drop in and explain situation to male neighbour

Hard one ... I have male friends and expect DH to understand - I always have done. However I agree with PP - there is a primal alarm signal that goes off when a mans mate is at risk of being “stolen” by another and I think that is what is happening here. Pity to lose friendship when nothing untoward happened but ultimately my benchmark is - what matters most to me, my marriage or my friendship? I have only had a similar dilemma once and my DH is neither insecure or controlling

Has this ever happened before, or is this the first time? I had the same situation in a past relationship. It started with being forced to send a message to a friend I didn’t want to send, and escalated gradually towards overwhelming coercive control about who I was allowed to see.

But your relationship is much more mature than mine was.

For future reference though, looking back at that relationship, I concluded that I would never again allow myself to be pushed into doing something that genuinely made me uncomfortable. I wished I had stood firm and told my boyfriend that I wouldn’t hurt a friend due to his mistrust of me.

I’d rather be in no relationship than be in one where I wasn’t considered trustworthy. Maybe that is part of what is troubling you over what just happened.