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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Think I've messed up

72 replies

lost2016 · 25/05/2019 11:09

Hello,
I think I have messed up any chances with a fellow colleague.
The story starts last Thursday -16/5/19. We are both managers and I was handing over the shift to him, explaining what had happenef etc. Now we always end up talking about jiberish stuff too and I always end up leaving a lot later when he's taking overfrom me, he is also frequently back and forth to our staff room while I'm still present getting myself sorted to go home.
Anyway he sent me a message apologising for seeming awkward before I left last week and he thought he made me uncomfortable, as , I looked up he thought I saw him staring at my breasts ( I thought my top had risen up but didn't notice him staring)
I had to read his message a few times as I wasn't expecting that and felt that he was doing the decent thing, by apologising. The messages continued way into the early hours after, getting more and more flirty - we agreed anything uncomfortable or too far would be voiced, we could look but no touching. I do think that we went too far with certain photos but it felt right and he admitted that we get on really well but he hadn't realised something was there.
Next day came and he messaged again, hoping I didn't regret the evening before, which I didn't but nothing after this.
I didn't see him or hear from him again until Thursday just gone, when I was handing over to him again. I stayed behind to do some e-learning and he kept coming into the room I was in back and forth but seemed to be followed by our colleagues, so he left again, it felt like he was trying to be alone with me. Eventually he just waited in the room until everyone had left and proceeded to ask him what last week was about. He was very smiley (shyly )and at one point said 'lets see where this goes'.
Once I had done my e-learning I left and had a message from him when I got home, which again proceeded somewhat. I told him that I want to touch him, just a kiss or hug, he didn't refuse. One minute he seems to want more from me, then he started to have second thoughts later on ( I do want to take things slow and don't want to sleep with him like now but this feels like mixed messages)
I felt like I went to far when I said that our boss could hardly tell us off for having something, when she had a thing with one of her managers at her store, then quickly apologised for going too far. He said he didn't think I had and he knew what I was saying.
Yesterday we did the normal handover, then before he went to do his jobs I said aren't you forgetting something and he said that I could have a hug while no-one was there and he shyly smiled. The hug lasted a good few minutes or so and didn't feel like he wanted to get away.
Later on I said thanks for the hug but when he messaged back he seemed somewhat standoffish and didb't seem so into me.
I am going on holiday Tuesday morning so won't see him now for 2 weeks, I am worried I won't hear from him and I that I have gone too far and he thinks I'm too full on. I don't think I'd be feeling so bad if I wasn't going away and feel like I'm in limbo now.....have I messed this up, blown any chance of anything. What do you think, any support on what I can do or not do?
Sorry it's long.

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 25/05/2019 11:35

I think you are over-thinking this.

Think calm. Cool. Collected.

Office romances are not a good idea really but they are fun.

You're just flirting at the moment. Just allow it to build, if that's where it's going. You've had a hug... lovely. Don't read too much into it. Keep in mind people will say what they think you want to hear to get what they want..

If he likes you, he'll keep going. If he doesn't, meh, so what, you haven't taken things too far and you can easily slip back into being friendly.

Just don't overthink it 😂 it'll do your head in.

lost2016 · 25/05/2019 13:29

It already is doing my head in.lol. I meant to add that even prior to this happening he seemed to find any excuse to be around me between him doing what is expected of him whenever I stayed on longer due to staff shortages or I'd been put on a middle rather than an early. He is always smiley around me and giving lots of eye contact.

OP posts:
grupple · 25/05/2019 15:19

Are you ok with a colleague having compromising pictures of you OP? Will you mind if he shows them around?

Kittykat93 · 25/05/2019 16:37

Probably not a good idea to send naked photos to a colleague you're not even properly seeing yet..I would be careful.

As for the other stuff, just go with the flow.

lost2016 · 25/05/2019 18:10

I'm not asking about the photos, I am asking about the situation and whether I am being stupid etc.

OP posts:
grupple · 25/05/2019 18:19

The photos are relevant to whether you are being stupid OP, surely you can see that.

overdrive · 25/05/2019 18:20

Well, it's relevant, OP. If you've been stupid about the situation, you've been stupid to send him naked photos.

Time will tell.

Wildorchidz · 25/05/2019 18:21

Not sure what your employer would think of employees sexting while they are supposed to be working..

AgentJohnson · 25/05/2019 18:34

Oh dear God woman, what the hell are you playing at. You’re not even pretending to be professional.

Wildorchidz · 25/05/2019 18:35

Actually I have just reread your post - so maybe not sexting during wok hours
Still stupid of both of you sending photos though

overdrive · 25/05/2019 18:41

Sounds like he was @Wildorchidz

Kittykat93 · 25/05/2019 19:26

Ok if that's the answer you want then yes you're being stupid.

Icandothisallday · 25/05/2019 21:57

Sounds like he was at work and she knew he was as well.

Plus the consequences if thisbturns sour and he shows or tells people.

Tbh, I would find someone arranging to be hugged and then reminding me I promised to hug them, a bit odd and a bit off putting. I am not one for planned affection.

Bluemascara4 · 25/05/2019 22:11

Are you both single ?

B3ck89 · 25/05/2019 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lost2016 · 26/05/2019 00:16

Now I feel blamed for all this, he sent the intial message, he sent the intial photo. I am clearly asking for some advice on how to turn this around as I feel like I have messed up, gone too far and been too full on. I already recognise it was a bad idea but it felt comfortable, maybe I was already in the mood and this elevated....I don't know. What I do know is all I want is to know where I stand and what this actually is/was meant to be without coming on too strong, I deserve that right? As I put in my post I told him that I'm not normally like that, I'm not sure what come over me.
Regarding the hug, again he asked the question, where are we taking this no touching level to....I said all along the no touching meant in inappropiate places, a hug/ kiss isn't inappropiate. I jokingly said arent you forgetting something, I didn't expect a reaction.
So basically I am the one who has messed up, blown any chance.

OP posts:
MrsGarethSouthgate · 26/05/2019 00:38

Ask him if he wants to go on a date. Stop all this nonsense with hugging/touching and photos.

And never be afraid to be clear about what you want. If he doesn't want the same thing, then better to find out now. And also, his loss.

Icandothisallday · 26/05/2019 06:32

MrsGarethSouthgate is right. Just ask him out.

If he says no, all he is bothered about is some dirty texting and a bit of workplace sex.

Go on holiday have a good time. I wouldnt contact him while you are away.

It's his fault he is sexting in work time. My concern is that your employer wont be impressed if they find out it's to you and he knew was at work.

When he asked about touching, I don't think he meant hugs. But I would be weirded out, if someone I had just started texting prearranged a hug and then wouldnt let me leave without it. It just feels a bit full on. But like I said, I like affection to be spontaneous. So that might be just me. But he may have felt that was too intimate, emotion wise.

So just back off, have a good holiday, forget about him. Try and disengage emotionally. When you get back, be honest about what you want. His intentions, will become clear. But just be wary he doesn't try and suck you into to accepting something really casual if that's not what you want. Seeing where it goes is good, but you dont want to be someone he sexts to pass the time away work and has a gropw of at work. Also, I would double check he is single. I am assuming you are. Flowers

lost2016 · 26/05/2019 10:20

I am definately going to back off, enjoy my holiday. I just can't believe I have messed up, never thought that this would happen, I knew we got on very well but not like this, so I was shocked. I know the photos were too far but there mustve been some kind of something there as I promise you I make people wait for anything like that.
I even regret pushing a little for a hug, wish I'd just let it happen.
After the hug I said I wouldn't see him for 2 weeks due to my hols but he seemed interested in where I was going etc Maybe he's fearing I might have a holiday romance or something.

OP posts:
lost2016 · 26/05/2019 10:23

I guess this is what I've been trying to do is tell him what I would like but am embarrassed to say just in case. I've clearly totally gone the wrong way about it and messed up any chance of anything.

OP posts:
PollyShelby · 26/05/2019 10:28

I think the photos were too far.

Not sure you've messed up but are you sure he hasn't a gf or something? If he's being hot and cold maybe there's a reason?

ReturnofSaturn · 26/05/2019 10:35

He's hot and cold. I'm afraid he sounds like he's not that into you. I'm sure he would have asked you out or something if he was.

Also, maybe he has a girlfriend.

lost2016 · 26/05/2019 12:11

Maybe he's feeling like me and doesn't want the embarrassment, doesn't know how I really feel. Maybe he's not sure how he feels, some men go shy like this.
Yes I went to far with the photos but I do believe there mustve been something there for that to happen iyswim.
I just don't understand where that 1st text even came from, I was not expecting it, yes we do get on well but I didn't realise that well. Why me, surely I have a right to know this too.
Like I said Thursday just gone it appeared that he wanted to speak to me, everytime he saw I was in the room alone he would walk in but was quickly followed by a colleague and he walked back out again, followed by our colleagues. In the end he just waited in the room until they disappeared. We looked at each other and I asked what it was all about the week before, within this conversation he said 'see where this goes' His body language said he likes me i.e smiling, eye contact, open posture, feet facing me. Like I said he seemed shy about the whole thing.
This does go back further, as I said we end up talking about stuff and I leave work alot later when he is on. He is always finding reasons to be around me when I'm put on a middle shift or I stay beyond my finish time due to sick calls etc. He makes frequent eye contact with me and smiles alot.....He isn't like this with anyone else.
Maybe I should swallow my pride and apologise for my inappropiate behaviour once I'm back from holiday, maybe not.

OP posts:
grupple · 26/05/2019 12:20

Do not apologise OP, ask if he wants to go for a drink? If he looks unsure, just write him off.

Icandothisallday · 26/05/2019 12:29

Why would you apologise?

I assume he asked for photos or at least encouraged it. Did he send photos?

At the moment, you are trying to talk your self into believing it's more than it is. Even if eventually, it does turn into a relationship you are making this into a huge deal.

He may like you. He may also not want a relationship and just someone to text and touch up at work. He may be seeing someone else.

Being attracted to someone doesnt always mean it will be a relationship.