Motherhood is making me miserable.

[Dinos3]

I feel terrible saying it, but it’s true.

I would never, ever have taken on the responsibility of becoming a parent if I had any idea this would be the reality.

DC’s father is fucking horrible, emotionally abusive, manipulative and nasty. I only began to realise this during my pregnancy, past the point I could have had an abortion. If DC father had been active and supportive, I have no doubt I would enjoy being a parent and be happy with my life, unfortunately that’s not the case and never will be.

I miss my old life before DC so deeply, not because of DC who I love, but the difficult circumstances which having them has led me to. I know it isn’t DC fault - and I do everything I should be doing, cook healthy foods, have a routine in place, days out, children’s groups, soft play, play dates, but it makes no difference to how I feel and how unhappy with life I am.

Every day it feels like a physical weight dragging me down. It is not depression because I can pin point exactly why I feel this way - and on the two occasions I have had a few DC free hours over the last year, I’ve felt fine and happy and enjoyed that time. Then coming home is like being locked back into prison, where all I do is clean, cook, and care. It’s so isolating and sad.

We barely afford essentials, and even when DC start school, it will just mean I rush from the school run to work to the school run then repeat that cycle. The thought of doing this and living like this for over a decade fills me with complete dread.

No support (most friends disappeared) and no family support - mother with mental health issues, no one to turn to.

I feel so trapped and I don’t know what to do.

I am sorry to hear this and you're doing the right thing by opening up.

Are you still living with/ in relationship with DC's father?

It’s good you’re able to find trigger points and you’re aware of what’s causing this - how old is child? why are you still with OH if he is this way or have you split up?

Not sure what to suggest as it sounds like you’re doing things to get out and about with child.

Anyway you can have more self care time at all?

Sound like you need more financial/practical support. Have you checked you are claiming all benefits you can? Claiming child maintenance? Gone through the money saving expert list of checking cheapest bills and stuff? Could home start help?

Me and DC father are not in a relationship, we live separately and he has contact around once a week. He isn’t happy that I don’t want to be with him and constantly tries to get us back together which will never work.

The only time I have is an hour or two after bedtime where I do try and have self care time - bath, reading, watching a movie, but it makes little difference as I know I have another draining day ahead.

Currently paying off a universal credit advance which finishes in a few months and will free up an extra £50 a month - but excluding this we already live very frugally.

I don’t think it is your child that is the problem. It is your oh.

Why are you still with him?

When you had your DC free hours Was the dread of returning because of what you faced when you got back.
Why are you doing all the cleaning cooking etc.

Was your Dp ok to live with before you became pregnant and in your head the abuse which was started by your Dp you have reasoned that the blame lies with dc because if you hadn’t been pregnant with dc then your Dp wouldn’t have turned into an abusive t**t. IYSWIM

I do think you need to look at your relationship with your oh and maybe work through a few issues with a counsellor.

What do you and your child do together that you like to do. You list what you do for your dc.
I presume dc is only 1 years old so young enough to go out for the day and do what you would like to do.

Pack a picnic and go out to a museum or countryhouse or go and look round a shopping centre and try on clothes and go for a coffee and piece of cake.
Having children is hard work but is also fun, at one years though it is mostly hard work but it does get better.

I think you need to get your head round that your reality has changed.
Your old life is over but your new one is equally as good, but it is different.

However living with an abusive person would bring anyone down

You’re not on your own, have you spoken to your gp? Maybe counselling would help.
I understand how you feel, motherhood can be very monotonous, try to plan free/cheap days out. Even something like going on a minibeast hunt or playing in a nearby brook would break up the routine. How old are the children? What hobbies do you enjoy doing?

Sorry didn’t see your update.

But I do think you need to work through some stuff. You might not be depressed but you haven’t got your head around the circumstances leading up to your dcs birth and I do think you are transferring your unhappiness caused by your ex onto your little child.

If DC father had been active and supportive, I have no doubt I would enjoy being a parent and be happy with my life, unfortunately that’s not the case and never will be

That alone shows you that dc is not the problem

I have a few single parent friends who are very happy in being single parents because they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to.

If they decide to stick a pizza in for tea for the children once per week and eat it off paper plates or have slices served on kitchen towel to save on washing up or have a bar of chocolate and a glass of cola for their dinner occasionally there is no one saying they can’t

This might come out wrong but I think you need to relax and take time to connect with your little one.
Your op sounded like you were still living with your partner who expected a spotless house and a healthy home cooked meals each night and you have the responsibility for everything.

I find it very telling that the way your op was written that everyone thought you were still living with your oh.

Maybe you can work through why your writing style was as though your oh was still around and you didn’t call him your ex.

It is not depression because I can pin point exactly why I feel this way

Just because you know what causes it, doesnt mean you may not have some form of depression. Why have you only had two occasions away from your child in the last year? Does his dad not have any contact? Why not?

Set up a contact schedule, and stick to it. Give yourself a break, and take that contact time to do something for yourself.

Does your ex pay proper maintenance? Are you claiming all the benefit you are entitled to?

You sound very sad and ground-down. I really hope you can see a way out of this rut you are stuck in right now for you.

Also, and i fully expect to get a kicking for this suggestion, but if you really hate being a FT parent and find it hard to cope, would you consider allowing DCs dad to be the resident parent, and you get access on a regular basis? If this is something you might consider, do it quickly because it might feel very rejecting to an older child.

I get it, not what you signed up for..

Preaumably youre still in that slog of running yourself dry with childcare costs which is a massive drain on finances.

Have you approached cms regarding maintenance from ex?

It can be especially hard to see them swanning around without a care in the world while you bust your arse but it is what it is and you have to let that go.

Youre resisting reality, thats why its hurting...

It wont be like this forever i promise you 🌸

I do get what you mean about the no down time and nowhere to turn for support, it can really grind you down over time.

How long have you been on your own now?

It sounds like youre still adjusting to be honest, i do feel for you though and honestly it does get better with time x

You say he sees them once a week. Why isn’t he having them more? Majority of people I know, the ex has the kids every other weekend, fri to Sunday. So he picks them up from school on a Friday and drops them back to you after dinner on the Sunday. If you had every other weekend to yourself, I bet you’d feel like a different woman

Just to cover DCs father and situation involving him - he isn’t a nice person, he also does not want to have time alone with DC so I am there when they have contact. He has not been consistent in their lives so any one to one contact would have to be gradually introduced. He has never been nasty to dc so I wouldn’t have a problem with this in theory but he has no interest, if he was a better father and consistent then it would be brilliant having someone to share the responsibility.

I absolutely do not blame DC for how I feel, but I also did not expect their father to do nothing, and I would not have had a child with someone this absent and irresponsible knowingly. Age group is early years.

I contacted CMS a long time ago which achieved nothing as he is self employed and does not declare his income (I believe to avoid paying).

Also, rather than doing baby groups could you speak to your HV and get some childcare hours? The last I heard, you can get that at age 2 if there is a need? If you could get them into a nursery a couple of morning a week then you’d have a break.

Wonderwhat- I would love that arrangement and it would completely change my life and outlook. Unfortunately he is unwilling and also doesn’t even have his own place at the moment, and shares with people I don’t know well.

Ok, wow. So he’s being manipulative. Wants you back so making sure you are there when he has access. How about his family? Parents? I have a friend in a similar situation and she solved it by his parents having the kids and he then could go see them at their house. You shouldn’t have to be there when it’s his access time. What would happen if you said no. If you want to see the kids you’ll have to do it without me there?

Ok just saw your update.

How about a contact centre? Could that work? Then you drop them off for a few hours, he sees them there and you can go home and have free time while that happens?

www.workingfamilies.org.uk/articles/free-childcare-for-children-aged-two-three-and-four/

Dinos3
Everything you have written resonates with me. In fact I'm cleaning the house atm & crying and thinking very similar thoughts.

This is my 'free' time while the kids play their matches and are briefly with their dad.

I have a good job that I love but for a variety of reasons (eg exorbitant childcare costs, it's a nightmare in Ireland plus insufficient maintenance but also me trying to facilitate, foolishly, all the kids activities - I have 3) I have no money and even struggle to pay basic bills & have food.

Back to you OP it's not your kids, it's your ex. He's not another parent, he's a vaguely connected person & that is soul-destroying and mentally & physically exhausting, leaving you to do all the parenting and even fun stuff becomes a chore.

I don't have advice really but (what I'm trying to do myself) try to legally put distance from him and get some clarity via a legal arrangement.

I'm sorry but I do understand 💐

I did contact his parents who said they’d be in touch re contact but never got back to me, so they don’t seem bothered either. I did suggest a contact centre a few months ago, he got really nasty with me and tried to accuse me of being controlling and then blocked me for weeks. I did think of that as a reasonable solution until his living circumstances were better and he had a better/closer relationship with dc until his reaction which sums him up to be honest.

Have you wondered whether things might be easier with your DC if your head wasnt full of ex's headfucking all the time? And the anxiety that goes with it?

Perhaps you should let him block you and see if you feel mentally better?

A LOT of women on here feel better with no contact.

He says he wants you back, but wont even pretend to be a decent dad in the most cushy of situations?? Plus he pays no maintenance? Ffs, lovely, just block this clown. Take back some control, write him off as a parent, and start re-building your life.

Get your child into nursery, as many hours as you can manage. Reclaim some time for yourself.

I suggest you get either a full or part time job with DC going into childcare. UC will have help fund this.
A job will do wonders for your sanity.
Consider no contact with ex-he is a headfuck.
I'm a single parent with no contact with ex. I would't change it and it's, relatively, stress-free.

Lifeisabeach09

OP does work.