Motherhood is making me miserable.

[Dinos3]

I feel terrible saying it, but it’s true.

I would never, ever have taken on the responsibility of becoming a parent if I had any idea this would be the reality.

DC’s father is fucking horrible, emotionally abusive, manipulative and nasty. I only began to realise this during my pregnancy, past the point I could have had an abortion. If DC father had been active and supportive, I have no doubt I would enjoy being a parent and be happy with my life, unfortunately that’s not the case and never will be.

I miss my old life before DC so deeply, not because of DC who I love, but the difficult circumstances which having them has led me to. I know it isn’t DC fault - and I do everything I should be doing, cook healthy foods, have a routine in place, days out, children’s groups, soft play, play dates, but it makes no difference to how I feel and how unhappy with life I am.

Every day it feels like a physical weight dragging me down. It is not depression because I can pin point exactly why I feel this way - and on the two occasions I have had a few DC free hours over the last year, I’ve felt fine and happy and enjoyed that time. Then coming home is like being locked back into prison, where all I do is clean, cook, and care. It’s so isolating and sad.

We barely afford essentials, and even when DC start school, it will just mean I rush from the school run to work to the school run then repeat that cycle. The thought of doing this and living like this for over a decade fills me with complete dread.

No support (most friends disappeared) and no family support - mother with mental health issues, no one to turn to.

I feel so trapped and I don’t know what to do.

Your ex is f**king you about.

It is time to take back control.

If he wants to see his child it is a contact centre or nothing and not what he wants.

He doesn’t pay cm but is still calling the shots.

He wants you around and gets you to stay because you let him manipulate you.

Be strong

As someone said upthread if you blocked him after a while I feel sure the clouds would lift.

This is your reality and it does no one any good looking back thinking “if only”

As I said I know a few single parents.

Those that have an ex who takes the kids Eow or those who don’t have an ex on the scene are far happier and organised.

The ones who hate it are the ones who have an ex who messes them around so they can’t organise their lives.

Atm you seem still dictated to by a guy who doesn’t pay enough to get an opinion

I have a massive amount of anxiety around my ex, in hindsight he has been one of the triggers as to why I feel so low. He did completely leave dc life for months last year, then came back with apologies/regret and has been seeing them consistently weekly since then, so I’m not sure I can justify blocking him - he has also threatened to try and get custody in the future, and so I’m wary of doing anything which might come back to bite me.

So I feel like even if he fucks off or I block him, I’ll always be looking over my shoulder waiting for him to creep up again - it’s a horrible trapped feeling. My self esteem is rock bottom after our relationship due to emotional abuse/cheating/lying general manipulative, horrible behaviour. Im fairy certain I have a trauma bond to him.

CMS have slowly been escalating letters to possible court action now, which I know should be a positive thing but is a massive cause of stress for me, not knowing how he will react or if he will suddenly take off without a word again. Then I worry about DC growing up without a father, and trying to answer the inevitable questions as they get older.

I am working at the moment, my job allows flexibility with working from home, which I was doing but is very difficult with DC around so working hours and income are very limited. Currently on the waiting list for a local nursery, but to cover the costs I will have to take on a lot more work, I have now applied for the funding which will ease some of that pressure.

So I suppose having DC/my shit relationship has led me to this low point and motherhood makes it very difficult to escape the feelings, which have just been festering for months. Before DC I could bounce back from things as I had a great support network, social life, more financial freedom and was generally much happier. And really struggling now.

Well it sounds like you never get a break, make something like Homestart could help you. If you look online, they can give some support at help. Do you have any support from your own family at all? It sounds very hard.

Ok re: the custody thing. He won’t even take them for the weekend so he’s not going to get full time custody is he? He can say what he likes. The mistake you are making is listening to him. Reinstate the contact centre. It’s time to take back control. He’s controlling you through fear. He’s an ex and he can’t keep getting away with his behaviour. Next time he threatens custody say “great go for it. At least I’ll finally get a break” plus it would cost him thousands to pursue that through the courts. Is he really going to do that? My solicitor costs £250 per hour!!

Hi OP I get what you mean about returning to the prison- I have used the same phrase. I had a child expecting to share parenthood but have ended up alone with it all bar a few days here and there where ex plays Disney dad.
I do think contact with your ex is the major part of your problem. Tell CMS that you would like collect and pay so that you don't have to do anything, give your ex one email address via which he can contact you and block him on everything else.
Offer the contact you want and stick to that. 3 hours per week should be manageable for a man who runs his own business. Anything else just use the Mumsnet mantra "That doesn't work for me". Forget about him going for custody- he's just using that as a threat to bully you. The man doesn't even want to see the child on his own and doesn't pay maintenance! No court in the land would grant that.
I know it's hard, but it does get easier, and it will be a lot more peaceful without that dick hanging around.

OP, how old are your kids?

I totally understand why you feel like this but I can tell you it doesn’t last forever.

I’m going to go against the grain but if the dad is not helping and being a proper hindrance sometimes it does help to accept their help is not going to come ever and live and plan as if they were... not around anymore.

You need to understand that your children not always come first, YOU come first because you keep the bloody boat afloat. That does NOT mean you are to neglect your children and do as you please but that you need to treat them as members of your own team where everyone has to consider the needs of the other members of the team. When they are 4 or 5 they will understand that everybody gets a turn being at the front of the queue, at this time you need to understand that simple thibgs as your sleep is as important as theirs, simply put, when you are exhausted you can’t function properly and your levels of tolerance are in the floor... much easier to deal with a tantruming kid when you are fresh and composed than when you can start having a tantrum yourself.

I assume your kids are under 4, but I can assure you, things get easier, much easier as they grow older.

Ps... I managed to find a few hours a day absolutely undisturbed by my young kid, an hour to read on my own, an hour to sort the house and 40 minutes of Pilates daily... by going to bed as soon as my child went to bed and waking up without an alarm at 4 am.

I understand however that that is only possible when the kids are used to go to bed at the same time and sleep through the night.

If your ex is horrible and abusive to you, then you supervising contact isn't appropriate.

I would give him the choice of either having the child alone (if you feel this is safe)
Contact centre
Or no contact

Put it all in writing so if he does ever take you to court (extremely unlikely!) you have evidence of how reasonable you have been in facilitating contact.

The early years are so hard, but it is really a short time and things will get better.
When your child is 3 you need to work 16 hours a week to qualify for 30 hours childcare, so by then you may be able to have your child do a day/half day in nursery while you are at home.

Soon they will be at school, increasingly independent, sleeping well etc and life gets easier again.

he has also threatened to try and get custody in the future

For someone who can’t even pay cm or look after his dc without you around how the hell is he going to get custody. This is a standard response to keep you in line and you are falling for it.

Have you ever turned round to him and challenged him when he comes out with ludicrous statements.

Given how your ex is surely growing up without a father is a positive

I think you are confusing having a child leading to the reason you can’t bounce back and the fact your abusive ex starting his tyranny when you were pregnant.

I would stop contact with him and if he wants to see his child it will be at a contact centre.

Take no notice of his threats

What TanMateix said. I am a completely lone parent. I also did not plan it this way and did not enjoy it, until I took back control. I blocked my ex, left the chasing of payments to cms and planned my time as if he didn't exist. I taught my dc that the 3 of us are a team and that my needs are as important as theirs. On Sunday mornings they creep down the stairs, get their own breakfast and entertain themselves until I wake up at whatever time that may be. I much prefer life now, I still get no time off but they're now both at school which eases the pressure a lot and I've gone self employed so I can organise my own workload and hours. I even started paying a babysitter for the odd evening so I could go out, see friends, date etc. I found it wasn't motherhood I didn't enjoy but not having any control over my own life.

I found it wasn't motherhood I didn't enjoy but not having any control over my own life

This is what I was try to say, very badly.

Something that helped enormously was splitting the weekends (inc Friday afternoons) this way: one day to do what he wanted, one day to do what I wanted, one day to do something we both enjoyed (normally with other people). So if he wanted to spend the morning at the park, had a child around or go to the play area, I obliged and didn't complain but if the next day I wanted to spend the morning in a museum he found boring or for a long walk, he will come along and won’t complain. I also used to take a day off work from time to time to have a little holiday on my own (basically popping out to the coast, meeting with friends when he was in school)

His contribution at the house was going to sleep early enough, cooking on Tuesdays, helping out when asked but he also took into bringing me breakfast in bed or a cup of coffee when I was unwell. He started making his own breakfast very early on.

Things were not perfect and it was still hard work, I often felt like running away but only ran away to sit in the garden for a while while I calmed down. I used to ask him for a couple of minutes on my own because I was feeling overwhelmed and he never had a problem with that.

People often comments I’m lucky for getting such considerate child. I’m not lucky, we built this together in order to survive on our very own.

You will be surprised OP, I used to wait in anticipation for the time “on my own”, now that he is a teenager and only comes down to join me (very shortly) for dinner, I am missing him a lot and cherishing the little time we spend together before he leaves for uni. 😕

Dinos I could have written your post myself too! There is a big difference between being a single parent (where the father is a reasonable person who you can have an amicable relationship with for the sake of the children and share responsibility) and a lone parent where the father is an abusive, irresponsible fuckwit who doesnt care about the children and uses any form of contact with them as a way to continue to control and abuse you. People need to understand this difference when suggesting the OP approaches the ex for any type of support with the DC's. If he was capable and willing to share the burden of raising his children, he would be doing it already!

The best thing I ever did was accept that the father of my DC's would never be a good father and I wrote him off after years of torture trying to make him something he would never be. When I let this go, I found peace in expecting nothing from him. I'm glad he's out of our lives as he was slowly destroying my DC with his manipulation and abuse.

It is no surprise you are feeling depressed. Abusive relationships are a major cause of depression which is no surprise after years of being humiliated, lied to, called names, put down, criticized, isolated from friends/family, physically abused etc. On top of that, you are grieving the life you were supposed to have, the loneliness, financial worries, all whilst trying to parent completely alone and you never get time to process and heal from what happened because you have to be strong and present for your DC. The unfairness is enough to drive you insane, I totally get it.

My children are all at school now and it does get better, I promise. I found throwing myself into uni and my career gave me a sense of purpose as I knew it would lead to a life where I could support my DC completely alone. I just wish I'd let the fantasy of being able to share parenting with my ex go alot sooner as my DC have alot of issues even now due to their father. Find your passion in life and try to focus on how you can get there. It wont be easy and you might have to wait until the DC are abit older but you deserve to follow your dreams and focusing on that can get you through tough times.

I know its hard (I really do) but you need to take care of your own mental health. Even though you know the cause of your depression, it would be worth seeing your G.P to talk through the options (medication, CBT etc). I've been on medication off and on for 15 years for depression and although it didn't 'cure' me, it certainly helped me cope with the feelings you are describing now. Reach out to as many services as you can. Home start, womens centre, even social services (I know it's scary but they are there to support families). Try to exercise for at least 30 minutes a day (walk in the park, exercise DVD, gym with a creche). Maximise your self care and dont ever feel guilty for doing it because you need to be in a good place for your DC's.

My mum always told me to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. There will be good days and bad but nothing is permanent in life. Be a 'good enough' parent (not a perfect one). Forgive yourself and try again the next day. Forgive yourself.

You are not a victim, you are a survivor and when your children are old enough to understand, they will tell you what an amazing, strong and wonderful mother you are. Don't let your piece of shit ex take one more day of happiness from you