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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you know if the issue is you or him?

35 replies

Nikhedonia · 25/05/2019 00:41

I feel really stuck.

I love DP, but the arguments are really getting me down. I feel like I'm constantly treading on egg shells and I constantly think about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it. If I say something in the wrong way, he gets really angry and starts shouting. It feels like it's over really trivial stuff. But to him it's obviously not trivial.

Today for example, DP asked me if we could go out and get some lunch from a local sandwich shop. We got into the car (DP doesn't drive so I had to) I wasn't hugely hungry, he said he wanted something more substantial and I said that I wasn't that hungry, so where did he want to go? Still the sandwich shop or somewhere else?

DP then got really cross that I wasn't hungry as I'd eaten some crisps instead of some proper lunch and now wasn't hungry (I had a huge work deadline, so just snacked whilst I worked) he started shouting, telling me that I was ridiculous etc. We hadn't planned to go for lunch, we were just going out to get something from a local sandwich shop as he was hungry.

But, it's like this all the time. I literally have no idea what was wrong with what I did, it really confuses me and makes me feel like I must be doing something wrong. I can't tell if the issue is him or me though? How do you know?

It's constant, but if it's me I want to be better but if it's him, I would rather end the relationship. My marriage ended about 1. M5 years ago and DP and I have been together for a year. STB-exH was very different so I wonder if it's just that I'm not used to this?

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 25/05/2019 00:45

It's not you, love. This is no way to live.

TanMateix · 25/05/2019 00:50

It doesn’t matter if it is you or him, if you are threading on eggshells that’s not healthy or loving. I would run while I can,.

Original poster
Nikhedonia · 25/05/2019 00:58

Definitely treading on eggshells, I've raised it a few times with him, but all I get in response is that he's having to put up and has put up with a lot in the past due to the fact I'm going through a divorce. Typically, he just shouts over me, sometimes he acknowledges that he is in the wrong but it doesn't last long before it's back to the same old routine.

The other week he was shouting at me on a train platform in front of loads of other people. Just so humiliating. I'm actually quite a strong person, I can't sometimes believe I'm accepting this. But I really love him. The good times are so good, but the lows are some of the worst ever.

He has a very black and white view about situations and always says that I'm trying to start an argument, but I genuinely hate arguing. There was enough of that in my marriage, I genuinely want to just have an easy going relationship.

OP posts:
madroid · 25/05/2019 00:59

It's him I'm afraid. I say that because if it was you you could work on it and try to make it better. But it's him.

He's exercising power over you. It doesn't matter what it's about it's just that it's a way to put you in the wrong, upset and confuse you and have you tip toeing around him so that he gets his own way. He gets to feel powerful, in control, the big man calling the shots. You get to feel constantly wrong footed and undermined and work hard at trying to please him. Sometimes it will even work and you'll feel things are getting better. Until the next time.

He won't change. You can't fix him and over time he'll get worse and you'll get dragged down by him. It's classic emotional abuse.

Have you read why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/05/2019 01:03

It's time to give your head a serious wobble. What are you even doing with him? Relationships shouldn't be this hard. Not by a mile.

Original poster
Nikhedonia · 25/05/2019 01:07

@madroid

He's exercising power over you. It doesn't matter what it's about it's just that it's a way to put you in the wrong, upset and confuse you and have you tip toeing around him so that he gets his own way. He gets to feel powerful, in control, the big man calling the shots. You get to feel constantly wrong footed and undermined and work hard at trying to please him. Sometimes it will even work and you'll feel things are getting better. Until the next time.

^^ that is exactly it. I think I know it's not me, but I also know I can be difficult at times, so was concerned that it was me.

I haven't read that book, perhaps it's one I should look into?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikhedonia · 25/05/2019 01:08

@Aquamarine1029 I don't think I've ever had an 'easy' relationship, that's why I think it might be me Sad

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/05/2019 01:12

It is most definitely not you.

justforareply · 25/05/2019 01:14

This is not a way to live

justilou1 · 25/05/2019 01:14

HIM

madroid · 25/05/2019 01:29

The reason it's a common factor in your relationships is that your boundaries are low. Where other ppl would say WTAF and end the relationship, you will think it's you and work harder to please. It's not that you attract abusers but that you tolerate that behavior where other people would get rid.

Do get a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book. It's a real eye opener. It describes all the character types and patterns of abusive behavior. It's such a relief when you realise it's definitely not you.

Also the Freedom Programme helps you get insight into the cycle of abuse which is where they are awful to you, you work harder at gaining their approval, they go too far so that you decide this time you've had enough. At that point they sense you are going to end it and that they've gone too far so they are nice again - they Hoover you back into the relationship. Then it all starts again.

RantyAnty · 25/05/2019 02:42

It's definitely him.

Would you shout at a friend if you two went for lunch and they weren't very hungry?

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 25/05/2019 10:56

Yeah, it's him. Sorry, but he will probably just get worse. Better to cut and run early.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 25/05/2019 10:57

I feel like I'm constantly treading on egg shells and I constantly think about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it

It is 100% not you. Flowers

Original poster
Nikhedonia · 25/05/2019 11:27

The reason it's a common factor in your relationships is that your boundaries are low.

Sorry, I think I mislead in a previous comment. No relationships have been easy, but this is new. I've always had very placid partners, DP is quite the opposite. The common factor is that the relationship hasn't been easy but this is the first time I've been on the receiving end of any kind of anger. Previous partners wouldn't even raise their voice. So this is all very new to me.

The bizarre bit is that I'm thinking that I want to end the relationship, but I just know it will be nasty and he will send horrible messages to me afterwards.

OP posts:
FantasticMissFox · 25/05/2019 11:31

Do you have somewhere you can stay if you leave? End it then block his number.

funnylittlefloozie · 25/05/2019 11:34

He wont send horrible messages to you if you block him. My exH was a bit like this. I would never, ever tolerate someone treating me like this, and especially shouting at me in public. That's not acceptable. It doesnt really matter who is 'in the wrong'.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 25/05/2019 11:39

He is being abusive. He can control it (he wouldn’t speak to his boss like that) but he chooses to unleash his vicious anger on you. You don’t have to put up with it.

Original poster
Nikhedonia · 25/05/2019 11:42

@FantasticMissFox thankfully, we don't live together.

I just wish I knew how to replicate the good times we have and avoid the constant arguments. It's really sad to think I've spent a year of my life with someone and it will all fall apart again.

OP posts:
itsnotallbbqsandshrimp · 25/05/2019 11:58

I just wish I knew how to replicate the good times we have and avoid the constant arguments. It's really sad to think I've spent a year of my life with someone and it will all fall apart again.

You can't op. This is how people fall into the trap of abusive relationships. If he was an asshole all the time you'd never have dated him in the first place right?

He is not a good man, and a terrible one to be in a relationship with. The longer you stay the worse it will get. Don't let him wear you down til you feel like nothing.

End it and block him. You don't have to put up with nasty messages. Block him and if he contacts you again contact the police.

Original poster
Nikhedonia · 25/05/2019 12:22

Is there anyway of communicating with him to help him to understand how he is? I want him to understand how much this upsets me, I just don't feel like I can get through to him.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/05/2019 12:31

Why would you want to waste your time trying to explain to him that his constant shouting and belittling you is not on.

Save your breath.
End it.
Block him.
Move on.

The first time someone screams at you in a relationship, should be the last time.

Don't put up with crap from people and you are far, far less likely to be on the receiving end of it.

Abusive people constantly seek out those who have low boundaries.

Best of luck.

AgentJohnson · 25/05/2019 12:33

Is there anyway of communicating with him to help him to understand how he is? I want him to understand how much this upsets me, I just don't feel like I can get through to him.

It’s not that he doesn’t understand, it’s just that he doesn’t care enough to care. It’s the ‘good tomes’ that keep you available for the bad times. I suspect this pattern of behaviour isn’t limited to just your relationship, he was probably like this with his Ex’s too.

He doesn’t want to be fixed, he wants an emotional punching bag on tap and unfortunately, he has that in you.

thethoughtfox · 25/05/2019 12:35

I'm thinking that I want to end the relationship, but I just know it will be nasty and he will send horrible messages to me afterwards.

See, it's him.

PicsInRed · 25/05/2019 12:36

If you are happier and less stressed when he isn't about...it's him.

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