How do you know if the issue is you or him?

[Nikhedonia]

I feel really stuck.

I love DP, but the arguments are really getting me down. I feel like I'm constantly treading on egg shells and I constantly think about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it. If I say something in the wrong way, he gets really angry and starts shouting. It feels like it's over really trivial stuff. But to him it's obviously not trivial.

Today for example, DP asked me if we could go out and get some lunch from a local sandwich shop. We got into the car (DP doesn't drive so I had to) I wasn't hugely hungry, he said he wanted something more substantial and I said that I wasn't that hungry, so where did he want to go? Still the sandwich shop or somewhere else?

DP then got really cross that I wasn't hungry as I'd eaten some crisps instead of some proper lunch and now wasn't hungry (I had a huge work deadline, so just snacked whilst I worked) he started shouting, telling me that I was ridiculous etc. We hadn't planned to go for lunch, we were just going out to get something from a local sandwich shop as he was hungry.

But, it's like this all the time. I literally have no idea what was wrong with what I did, it really confuses me and makes me feel like I must be doing something wrong. I can't tell if the issue is him or me though? How do you know?

It's constant, but if it's me I want to be better but if it's him, I would rather end the relationship. My marriage ended about 1. M5 years ago and DP and I have been together for a year. STB-exH was very different so I wonder if it's just that I'm not used to this?

A year is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Trying to make him understand won't work - because he simply doesn't care. People like this take sadistic pleaure in destroying other people. Just think - would you put up with this behaviour from a friend? No - they wouldn't be your friend for long!

As a PP said - he can't send you nasty messages if you block him. Don't let this relationship carry on, it will make you ill.

I have been in that kind of relationship so I know exactly how you feel - the stomach churning feeling and the constant checking and overthinking of yourself. I grew up in that kind of house hold too (I love my dad but he was difficult and downright abusive when I was younger) so I didn’t know any different.

My husband NEVER makes me feel guilty, like I have to hide things or puts the blame on me. He has never raised his voice. Many men are good, like my husband, but I didn’t realise until my mid 30s.

Leave now because he will not change.

Thanks @MarinaPunta

I know I need to leave, but I just have horrible feeling like there's something else I could try or do to make this work.

It’s not you. Therefore there’s nothing you can do to fix this. It’s his personality issue. He can’t control himself and it’s abusive. Time to move on OP.

You can’t do anything to stop him being an arse. It is in his dna.
End the relationship- so what if he sends horrible messages. You can delete them and block his number. Yay!

You don't have to try to get through to him and get him to understand how much he upsets you.

He already knows.

He knows exactly what he is doing, because he is doing it on purpose to dominate you and keep you in your place.

Oh god durely daiyfail

You're going through a divorce and your current relationship doesn't sound fantastic.

I wouldn't tolerate being shouted at like he did on the platform. It's abuse and I'd tell him to bugger off.

My grandmother had a phrase when it came to men that translate more or less like “the beating creates attachment”.

We women tend to nurture, soothe and solve. We find excuses to justify awful behaviour thinking that we try hard enough, love enough, we will rescue the poor tormented soul.

What you are saying is quite extreme, especially being the first year together, you are not going to redeemed, do not kid yourself, this is the beginning of a very toxic codependency that is already showing clear signs of how destructive it will be... to you.

Sorry to say this but... Run while you can, you are already showing the clear signs of a victim of domestic abuse.

A year in, you should still be in the honeymoon period.
You will not get through to him by talking it through, it will only get worse.
End it, block him and take some time out from men.
If you are walking on eggshells now, if you don't end it where do you think you will be 2 , 3 5 years from now? Not happier I guarantee it.