How much do you/your partners drink at home?

[Mamaa1981]

My husband drinks pretty much everyday - week days in the evenings after work 2-4 cans (had a stressful day/its sunny/footballs on [insert excuse here]..) and then at the weekend probably starts drinking around 4pm ish and could drink around 6 cans/plus wine on a Saturday/Sunday with dinner. Its beginning to grate on me if im honest. Sick of seeing him with an alcoholic drink in hand. Pissed off when theres jobs to do and once hes settled with a drink thats him done for the day (no help putting kids to bed at night). Worried that this is being normalised to the kids..

Concious that i dont drink and perhaps a bit judgy on this- i try not to be. Is this normal??

I don't drink at all and feel a million times better for it.
My DH pretty much drinks every day. Normally 1-2 Monday to Thursday.
Then 3-4 Friday to Sunday.
He still helps with all household tasks and helps to put children to bed.
I wish he didn't but also like you I'm not sure if it's bad or mild dependence or if it's ok ?

tis labels aren't really helpful. Drinking every day shows alcohol dependency. It may not be an unhealthy level (although I'd guess most daily drinkers don't stick to the guidelines) but I would put money on daily drinkers being terrified of the prospect of life without alcohol.

I think he sensed yesterday that ive had enough and me asking him to “talk” at some point yesterday- which never happened as the older DC was hanging around. Hes been like the parent i want him to be today- jobs around the house done, he even went out for a cycle with the oldest. He drank four small bottles of beer (probably the equivalent of 2 pints) yesterday which is not like him! It wont last...

Indeed it will not Mamaa.

What is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge that your H has abstained from alcohol?.

Talking as well to a partner about their problem drinking is about as effective as well as peeing in the ocean.

What are you getting out of this relationship now with your H?. You are personally getting something out of it so what is it?

Do you really want your children to continue seeing all this from their dad and in turn your reactions to his drinking?. After all we learn about relationships from our parents and I would question what you are both teaching them.

You can only help your own self and your kids ultimately Mamaa, not him because only he can choose to want to help his own self.

You have a choice here re this man, your children do not. Do you want to keep on exposing them as well as you to their dad's and your H's problem relationship with alcohol?.

The thing that would bother me here isn't the amount he drinks (even though 6 pints would knock me out cold...) but his priorities. He shouldn't be shirking dad duties for a couple of tinnies - that's just plain not on.

I think you need to spell this out to him, OP. Sounds like he's taking the piss a bit!

The longest period of time hes gone has been three weeks when attempting Dry January around 5 years ago! Spent the whole three weeks moaning and then gave in.

Ive talked to him before about his drinking but he doesnt see it as a problem.

What am i getting out of this relationship- we own a house together, were comfortable moneywise. I worry if we split up how we will cope. I dont know how it works being a single parent and what help id be entitled to etc. If i were a single parent, i dont feel like anything would change for me in the other areas as i do everything else- it would probably be a lot easier without his mess.

I dont want my kids to see this as being normal.

Do you think he is an alcoholic? Am i being silly even asking that? I just dont know. I imagine an alcoholic to be drinking spirits all day everyday.

He is dependent physically and psychologically on alcohol and has not been able to go without it for more than three weeks on one occasion five years ago. That says a great deal about him. This is a problem if you are affected by another person's drinking. This sort of problem too thrives on secrecy, time now to bust this wide open and seek support for your own self.

Re your comment:-
"What am i getting out of this relationship- we own a house together, were comfortable moneywise".

I meant emotionally for you, not material things. You are seemingly not getting any of your emotional needs met out of this relationship at all so what are you doing there?. His primary relationship is with alcohol and that is a cruel mistress.

"I worry if we split up how we will cope. I dont know how it works being a single parent and what help id be entitled to etc. If i were a single parent, i dont feel like anything would change for me in the other areas as i do everything else- it would probably be a lot easier without his mess".

Find out by seeking legal advice re separation and property. You do not have to act on it immediately and knowledge too is power. There is advice and help out there, you just need to seek it out for yourself. Also the government based website entitledto.co.uk is also helpful. You seem to be pretty much a single parent now, you're carrying the mental load here.

You've repeated that you do not want your children seeing this as their normal but they are are absorbing this as their normal; this is what they are seeing daily from you and their dad. They certainly do not warrant seeing all this, your reactions both spoken and unspoken to his drinking and seeing the aftermath of their drunkard dad (I'm also talking about the empties in the recycling bin). They will become more aware of all this as they get older too.

I've already mentioned that talking to an alcohol dependent person about their drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean i.e. not at all effective.

Please consider attending Al-anon meetings; at the very least you need to read their literature. You are also playing roles in this overall dysfunction too (those of enabler, provoker and codependent partner) and those need to be acknowledged.

"I imagine an alcoholic to be drinking spirits all day everyday".

You urgently need to revise your definition of an alcoholic because it is not correct. They certainly do not all drink on park benches every day either.

Alcoholism is often described as "the family disease" with all members being affected by the alcoholic's drinking. Living with alcohol abuse means being in an unsafe environment filled with disruptions to normal routines, the tension of strained relationships, and dishonesty.

Alcoholism is no respecter of a person's class or creed. Some alcoholics function to some extent and have families and hold down jobs. However, their lives as well as their families is never really stable and all lurch from one crisis to another. Family members are and become profoundly affected by the alcoholic's drinking and their lives revolve around the alcoholic.

Like most posts of this type as well, its mainly about the alcoholic. What about you?.

That does sound a bit much to me. We tend to have a couple of drinks Friday-Saturday-Sunday and not most other nights. Always after the kids have gone to bed though.

I have lived with someone who’s drinking ruled our life. Drinking everyday constantly will change him and your relationship. This is not a healthy or normal way to live. All I can say is be strong and give him an ultimatum. When it effects you it’s not fair.

DH does not drink at home at all, if he drinks he needs the atmosphere of a nice pup or Biergarten and a good conversation and I have never seen him drunk in the last 30 years.

I have one G+T on a Friday evening and occasionally I have a glass or two when there is something to celebrate in the office.

DD (18) refuses alcohol because she likes her brain to be uncluttered. She's the one who takes care of her friends when they drink too much.

We can easily go a couple of weeks with nothing but this weekend we’ve drunk 3 nights in a row. About 3 drinks each.

We do both have a couple of glasses of wine most evenings or DH will have a couple of beers but we are both capable of running the house, doing the gardening etc etc so I don’t think that we are avoiding our ‘responsibilities’ at home just because we are having a drink. But it sounds like your DH is drinking to excess by his behaviour and attitude.

I used to drink every day, but got fed up with the weight gain, expense, and it causing me not to sleep well, made me irritable with everyone, and of course the expense. I retrained myself to enjoy tea, and maybe once a month or so will have a couple of glasses but I guess I just can't be arsed with it all now.

Most women I know drink way over the recommended amount but it doesn’t affect being able to put their children to bed. The husbands by and large drink less. The women would say it’s because they don’t have to deal with the kids as much! But seriously if you posted here you must think he has a problem and from your second post it’s having a real effect on your marriage and well being. You can’t make him stop drinking but you don’t have to suffer the consequences.

My DH drinks beer every day and more than yours. He doesn’t just sit and drink though, he still gets things done round the house although that sometimes bothers me more as I think ‘can’t you tidy up or put DC in the bath without a beer in your hand?’ He never gets drunk or loud, he isn’t much different to when he doesn’t drink (only ever achieved the last month of pregnancy when on hospital standby). We have discussed it and I would prefer he doesn’t drink until the DC are in bed and has at least one day off a week, but he doesn’t really change his behaviour. It never bothered me before DC and I used to drink more then too, but I don’t like them seeing beer all the time. I can only sympathize with you. I got sick of going on about it so just gave up. He is otherwise very involved in the household and family life so I figure that I won’t leave over it and he doesn’t seem interested in changing so that’s that. Not a helpful answer, just some solidarity.

I don’t drink at home- I don’t really like the taste of alcohol (only really like a cocktail when out: the odd g&t)- husband prob drinks at home 1 night a wk- more in summer (the odd Desperado/ Corona in the late afternoon in the sun). If family over they will have wine- id say it’s a healthy attitude.

My STBXH drinks too much - would I class him as an alcoholic probably not but he is dependant and it has affected our life’s and my older children do notice that he drinks a lot. He functions enough to be able to hold down a job (thankfully) and very rarely is steaming drunk. But he drinks every day he isn’t on a night shift, on his days off he starts drinking around 1/2 in the afternoon, he is not consistent when he’s had a drink and can be overly nice to the children but can also be quite snappy and sharp, he obviously cannot help with running the children around, and isn’t involved in the bed time routine, as he’s usually asleep on the sofa by 7! When I started tracking his drinking I noticed he would have between 4/10 cans a night and because he doesn’t eat during the day this would be on an empty stomach, he doesn’t get falling around drunk but can be tipsy and you can see that the alcohol has affected him. The longest he’s been without alcohol probably 2/3 days recently after I filed for divorce and he was put on AD by the dr, the result he has stopped taking the AD and the drinking has increased again. I attended an al-anon meeting, it wasn’t for me and I can not commit to a weekly thing but it did show that I enabled him to continue this behaviour but ultimately it’s his decision, and whilst he doesn’t see it as a problem he will continue. For context I don’t really drink so I always wasn’t sure if it was a problem

Christ OP seems like alcoholism thats become normalised..Im v concious(2alcoholics in immediate family-different styles of functioning)of alcohol consumption,i'll have a g&t occasionally&if out,but its just never been my thing to keep booze in the house.Id rather have a decent cuppa!

I enjoy a drink and I do drink every day. I have a very high tolerance and never get even tipsy.

Then what's the point? Genuine question! If you get no effect from alcohol, why not swerve all the calories and health risks and just have a cup of tea?!

What defines whether someone is an alcoholic isn't just about drinking every day, drinking spirits, any of that. It's about whether alcohol has become the drinker's top priority in life, and all other things are to be put to one side to ensure that drinking happens. So someone who is cutting loose from family life, someone who prioritises drinking over the happiness and wellbeing of their OH and DCs, someone whose mood is affected so that the people in their life have to tiptoe around them - that person is an addict.

And he first thing to do with an addict is to stop enabling them. If attending a support group isn't for you, then do some research on what you can do to protect yourself and your DC.

I could sense he was avoiding me this morning as id asked to “talk” but i managed to occupy the kids long enough to be alone and to tell him how i feel. I said i dont want alcohol in the house. Its not a normal thing to do and i dont want the kids seeing it day in day out. He seemed shocked when i asked if hes got a problem with drinking. Then blurted that he not drank for “all of last week” which on review turned out to be two days last week! Two days- As if thats ok!

We went out with the kids yesterday early afternoon (130pm) to bowling & meal. He bought us a coke and himself a beer. Then proceeded to drink (through the afternoon until bedtime) 7 pints total. I can see he doesn't think its a problem!

I said about how difficult it is dealing with the kids once hes checked out from his responsibilities and started drinking. I said it unfair on me to be the responsible adult all the time. I also made it clear that im unhappy and things need to change. We literally do nothing together as a couple. Its boring.

Today since the talk hes been on best behaviour and stayed alcohol free all day. I dont think it will last but im giving him a chance. Im going to unplug the “beer fridge” tomorrow and remove it from the kitchen

@mamaa1981 - well done for opening up the communication, the ball is firmly in his court now and whether he decides his family are more important than the few drinks he wants. Once I’d made the decision to end our marriage I started tracking my H drinking and was shocked at how many units he was consuming. I hope he makes the right choice, but I know if he doesn’t youll be brave enough to make yours x

He sounds a boring twat.

Nothing ever because I am intolerant to it. Cant even have it in sauces or gravy or deserts.