ex continues emotional abuse

[PeshawarWonderfulAngel]

I divorced 9 years ago from an extremely abusive man. the children now away at university want as little to do with him. a few years ago he went to see my daughter in a show at uni and took a woman with him - my daughter had no idea he was going to bring anyone. the uni is 70 miles from where he lives. he lives 150 miles from my home but when we divorced he bought a caravan near my home and still has it. a couple of months after taking the woman to see my daughters show he texted my son to say he was staying at the caravan and wanted to see him to go out for food. my son went to keep him happy and when he got to the caravan (it was a Saturday night) there the same woman was. my son had had no warning of this. he ate his food and left. the morning after my ex messaged me (at 8am) and told me he wanted to come and look at my broadband but he would have to bring his "friend". I declined and he replied saying I was jealous he had a girlfriend (I wasn't). some research on social media showed that at the time the woman went with my ex to see my daughters show she was very happily married. however, by the time my son was introduced her in the caravan (2 months later) it was 8 days since her husbands funeral. I messaged her and very politely told her it had upset my children being introduced to her with no warning and they did not want to see her in future. I can not believe that he has beens seeing a married woman and introducing her to the children - because we live 150 miles from where he and the woman live he obviously thought they could do it and not get caught. Worse than that when my daughter was in another show a few weeks after her husbands death (and I had nicely told her the children wanted to see their father alone) my ex turned up with the woman AND my sister and her husband in a foursome. He was never close to my sister when we were married but when we split up he became very friendly with her (so I distanced myself from her as I felt he was doing so to upset me and get information about me). He is a consultant transplant surgeon in the NHS with plenty of money and influence - some people are taken in by this and they get lots of favours by being friendly with him. I cant believe what he is doing. I would love to hear what others think and if anyone has had anything similar. I would also like to say I am a perfectly sane person with a good job and nice friends, my children love me. I was supported for years by a domestic abuse charity and the worker said it was the worst case of emotional abuse she had ever come across. at the end of the marriage he was arrested by the police for assaulting me (expensive lawyer, got off)

Personally (having been in an abusive relationship myself) you are giving it more thought than you maybe should, and maybe that indicates that you haven't quite dealt with it all? Has he made your life difficult since? Is he still abusive to you?

Do you speak with your sister? How is your relationship?

Are you thinking people disbelieve you and are sucked in by his tricks? Because the most important thing is YOU know, and hopefully you are in a better place now?

About his girlfriend, you don't know the cicumstances about her husband dying, so you can't really comment on that. Maybe her husband was a bastard, maybe they had actually separated?

I am in not too dissimilar situation. I'm sorry OP and flowers x

When, this is to no one specfically, are we going to acknowledge that there is a war on women?

Whilst your ex sounds like a bastard OP, your children are adults and should be capable of communicating with their father about what situations they aren’t happy with.
Why would he need to see your broadband?

no they hadn't separated, very much together

I told him he couldn't. he needs to be seen to be believed. the house is mine and in my name however he still refers to it as his. when my father was alive and had dementia when my sister and I made decisions about his care my ex husband said HE should have been 'consulted'. this is the thing, unless you know him its very hard to convey how awful he is.he really thinks he is god almighty

yes and they have done. they have told him he isn't to bring anyone else when they spend time with him. but when he doesn't get his own way he showers them with abusive texts. as my daughter said 'five minutes in conversation with him has you wanting to throw yourself out of the window.' its hard to explain. he is persistent and relentless. when I was in the marriage I used to think I wouldn't get away from him until I died

and yes he has made my life very difficult since we split

Block him as far as possible, your children are old enough to sort out their own contact if they want it

Don't let him in your house

You shouldn't have contacted her, he can see or introduce whoever he wants

You're giving it way too much headspace

Blocking him and refusing to give his actions any headspace would set a great example to your DC.

Unless you feel you're in danger?

I now keep a distance from my sister (still love her, occasional messages) because I believe he is so manipulative he has control over her..from reading messages from you all I can see that perhaps I still believe he is invincible and other people will always be sucked in by him and to see it for how it is. thats the thing from the marriage I always thought he was invincible and no-one would ever see through him or believe me.. thats why it took so long to get out of the marriage....I can see now 9 years later I still believe all that crap! its bit like the emperors new clothes....this mums net business is better than therapy. but how can I get strong and start to convince myself that he isn't invincible/other people are gullible/I have poor judgement? please keep suggestions coming

I would block his number . Equip the children how to deal with him.

I think some of this is about me not trusting my judgment and that of other people (something that goes back long before I met him)

Why is he still part of your life? Why does he have contact details for you? It's not like you've got any children related arrangements to make, right? Block him on everything and give him one email address for really important matters and be done with him. Would that make your life easier to live?

yes of course he can introduce whoever he wants however: something I forgot to put - the woman has adult children - older than mine and the relationship has been kept from them my ex said because 'they have just lost their father and are very upset'. and my children said they didn't want to meet her again yet he took her to meet my daughter again when my daughter thought she was only going to see her dad. so when they make their wishes known, he ignores that and takes her anyway

yes it would, thats one of the reasons I don't have so much to do with my sister because he was sending messages to me via her, he has done the same via my next door neighbours

if im honest, they deal with him better than I do

And you can't control that

You have to focus on you and what you need. Block him and actively fill your life with things that aren't him.

you're right.. however not giving his actions headspace is easy when im at work but its when im on my own and not occupied that it goes round and round..yes will look at some strategies to deal with that, thanks for comments as when I read them they're showing me I have the solutions myself, the suggestions and comments are like having blindfolds taken away from my eyes..

Lauriefairycake, so true, thank you..will try, strangely hadn't thought of that

I think I have got so bogged down and overwhelmed with feelings I haven't been seeing this clearly..listening to objective opinions helps a lot, thank you

Your children, who are adults, presumably have the choice to cut meetings short if he fetches his girlfriend.
They can block his number if he is abusive; you do not have to give him access to your home.
You're all being a bit wishy washy - stand up to him!

Have you done the freedom programme? I also think therapy might help you to detach.

old warn and out - I realise how I feel now is really related to how I felt in the marriage..so when he plays one of his tricks now im probably remembering how I felt when we were married for example when he kicked my daughter in the head and I called the police, when they came he denied it and my daughter who was only 13 at the time was so scared she said it never happened....and when he threatened to rape me and I asked my dad to help and he said there was nothing he could do because he was scared of him too.. he really was very cruel to us and my elderly father too

Laurie fairy cake yes ive done the freedom programme which was life changing..may be I should do it again..and yes ive had therapy..some therapists are good and some not..I think maybe therapy is something you have to revisit at significant times in your life

Why on earth are you even still communicating with him anymore? Your children are grown, they can speak to him if they wish to. There is no reason to be dealing with him. Block him from everything and move on.