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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ex continues emotional abuse

39 replies

PeshawarWonderfulAngel · 24/05/2019 16:33

I divorced 9 years ago from an extremely abusive man. the children now away at university want as little to do with him. a few years ago he went to see my daughter in a show at uni and took a woman with him - my daughter had no idea he was going to bring anyone. the uni is 70 miles from where he lives. he lives 150 miles from my home but when we divorced he bought a caravan near my home and still has it. a couple of months after taking the woman to see my daughters show he texted my son to say he was staying at the caravan and wanted to see him to go out for food. my son went to keep him happy and when he got to the caravan (it was a Saturday night) there the same woman was. my son had had no warning of this. he ate his food and left. the morning after my ex messaged me (at 8am) and told me he wanted to come and look at my broadband but he would have to bring his "friend". I declined and he replied saying I was jealous he had a girlfriend (I wasn't). some research on social media showed that at the time the woman went with my ex to see my daughters show she was very happily married. however, by the time my son was introduced her in the caravan (2 months later) it was 8 days since her husbands funeral. I messaged her and very politely told her it had upset my children being introduced to her with no warning and they did not want to see her in future. I can not believe that he has beens seeing a married woman and introducing her to the children - because we live 150 miles from where he and the woman live he obviously thought they could do it and not get caught. Worse than that when my daughter was in another show a few weeks after her husbands death (and I had nicely told her the children wanted to see their father alone) my ex turned up with the woman AND my sister and her husband in a foursome. He was never close to my sister when we were married but when we split up he became very friendly with her (so I distanced myself from her as I felt he was doing so to upset me and get information about me). He is a consultant transplant surgeon in the NHS with plenty of money and influence - some people are taken in by this and they get lots of favours by being friendly with him. I cant believe what he is doing. I would love to hear what others think and if anyone has had anything similar. I would also like to say I am a perfectly sane person with a good job and nice friends, my children love me. I was supported for years by a domestic abuse charity and the worker said it was the worst case of emotional abuse she had ever come across. at the end of the marriage he was arrested by the police for assaulting me (expensive lawyer, got off)

OP posts:
Twillow · 24/05/2019 19:42

I feel that, by contacting his girlfriend, you are falling into his trap and letting know that you are upset - which is fuel to the fire of emotional abuse.
Have you read up on 'grey rock' technique?
Your children are old enough to make their own decisions and tell him themselves who they want to see.

I do understand - I wanted to stand up for myself (safely at arms length after split) and argue with his nonsense - but it was at the cost of upsetting me more and giving him the satisfaction that he could justify how irrational/abusive/unfair I was. I now realise nothing I can say or do will influence his behaviour in a positive way, so respond in a very matter of fact and minimal way. Communication from him has dwindled to a very minimum of practical issues only. My children have decided on their own to have little contact - I just feel a bit sad because they and I wish they had a better father.

Goldmandra · 24/05/2019 19:49

You need to learn to be a grey rock.

Block his number.

Don't explain why you don't want him in your house and certainly don't tell him you're jealous. He will love that and keep poking you to try to get more of it.

Support your children if they need/want it to manage their relationship with him but don't get involved.

What he does with his life is absolutely none of your business.

I think doing the Freedom Programme again is probably a very good idea.

Original poster
PeshawarWonderfulAngel · 24/05/2019 19:51

Twillow, yes you're right I wish I had not contacted her, I suppose I have to be grateful I only did it once, it could have been worse. never heard of grey rock but will google now, thanks..youre right, I have no control over his behaviour and should stop thinking I have

OP posts:
TheLazyDuchess · 24/05/2019 19:52

You need to mentally detach from this rape threatening, child abusing prick. Delete and block him on everything. If anyone mentions him to you, say not my circus, not my monkey or similar, and that you don't want to ever hear about him again. As pp's have said, focus on you and making you happy. Fill your life with things that aren't him. When you find yourself thinking about him, try to distract yourself.

He sounds like a nightmare, but you've done the hardest bit (getting him physically out of your space), now you just need to get him out of your head (easier said than done I know). You've done really well so far, denying him entry to the house etc. He has no power over you, it's okay to move on with your life. Keep trusting your instincts Flowers

Original poster
PeshawarWonderfulAngel · 24/05/2019 19:54

Goldmandra, you are right what he does is none of my business however there are other things he does like parking his car to block my drive while he goes to my neighbours house on a pretext.. im ok so long as he stays out of my face but there are some things that are not enough to call police but still kind of intruding in to my life

OP posts:
Original poster
PeshawarWonderfulAngel · 24/05/2019 19:56

the lazy duchess, thank you. hearing someone else call him what he is somehow gives me validation, he has done some horrific things and got away with them but you're right I have to move forward

OP posts:
Erythronium · 24/05/2019 20:02

Treat him like a stranger. Imagine you don't know him. If for example you have to ask him to move his car because he's blocking your drive, then simply ask him to do it, don't get involved in any arguments.

Your children have to deal with him themselves now they are adults. If they don't want to see him with a woman that's something they need to tell him, not something that you would tell her.

The less contact you have, the less emotion you feel about him, the easier it will be to put distance between you and leave him in the past. He obviously still wants your attention and wants to dominate but you don't need to let him. Block him so he can't make requests like wanting to see your broadband, or having a say in what happens to your father. A stranger wouldn't so why should he. He's a stranger now.

Cherrysoup · 24/05/2019 20:21

Why do you allow him to still contact you? If he blocks your drive, ignore, it’s a pita, but get an Uber, don’t let him know it bothers you. Block his number now.

Goldmandra · 24/05/2019 20:25

Goldmandra, you are right what he does is none of my business however there are other things he does like parking his car to block my drive while he goes to my neighbours house on a pretext.

He's doing it so he can get a kick out of your reaction. Don't give him one. Do everything you can not to react, even if that means using a taxi if he is blocking your car in. He won't know that you weren't going to do that anyway.

Don't ever tell anyone that what he's done has got to you.

The more he sees he has upset or angered you, the more incentive he has to do it again. Give him nothing.

He might escalate things for a while, still looking for a reaction, but that will just make him look like a dick to other people.

you just need to get him out of your head

This exactly. Stop giving him brain space. He doesn't deserve another second of your life.

Hecateh · 24/05/2019 22:27

The opposite of love is indifference.

What people like him hate more than anything is indifference and being ignored.

It's not only better for you if you have no communication but also for your kids because whilst ever you intervene he will continue to use them whereas once he realises that he can't get at you through them then he is less likely to keep on using them as pawns to get at you and 'may' start to treat them with a bit of respect. If not then they can make their own decision to go NC with him.

Starlight456 · 25/05/2019 00:19

One thing I learnt about my abisive ex . He did not listen to me when we were married so guess what he didn’t once we divorced .

I couldn’t block ex due to my Ds been a toddler . However I did stop even replying I simply ended the call when he got abusive and turned my phone off.

It stopped things he loved any response.

FirstTim3Mummy · 21/12/2019 00:44

Same person who posted that other thread back in may which said this happed 2 years ago. Same writing style.

How do you report and what is the point to these threads.

Mary1935 · 21/12/2019 01:01

Wow OP you really bother him don’t you!!
Why is he hanging around your area?
I’d be laughing my socks off - he’s looking for a reaction.
He’s a sad man but possibly a sociopath.

Has he not moved on?
Bloody bastard.

Do not communicate with him - if you need to although your children are old enough but the maybe scared of him. You need to look up Grey Rick - it maybe useful to your children to learn.
He’s trying to get a reaction - don’t give it too him.
Have a lovely Christmas.

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