Potential new man but low effort? Advice pls!

[JaydeSun]

Matched with guy on OLD about a month ago. Neither of us spring chickens. I work in a different city weekly and matched with him there.

First date, went to a pub. Went Dutch. I got quite tipsy as hadn’t had dinner (stay in hotel so unless I go out to eat it’s difficult to be organised in that respect) and also don’t tend to drink a lot. Date lasted about 7 hours... lots in common and was relaxed. suddenly he kissed me. Hadn’t thought there was much chemistry up until that point as he isn’t my usual type but actually was the best kiss I think I’ve had in my life so was surprised... and after that there was quite a bit more kissing. He walked me home and night ended with goodbyes at my hotel door.

From then until the second date, he instigated all texts and I would say the dialogue is almost daily.

Second date organised by him was pub again. Again, I got v tipsy. Went for cheap but to eat (not at all fancy... think fast foolish) mid way thru as I hadn’t eaten. I paid as he had got drinks. Ended night kissing passionately in the street. Went home separately.

Just about to go on third date. He asked me to stay on an extra night as I was due to leave yesterday. I have done that and have gone to some effort and cost to do this as I have to pay for my own accommodation etc.

The thing is... he tends to text a couple of hours before the date to say “let’s meet in this pub”. I can’t really propose a place as I don’t know where to go as this isn’t my city.

I suspect tonight will go much the same as the others and I’m kind of feeling it’s a bit low investment. Pub again? I have to kind of dress down... as we walk between pubs and I need to wear flat shoes to do that. No nice dressing up etc.

Do you ladiesthink this is low investment if it’s pub again?

I would think at our fairly mature stages in life a little more planning should be done and it’s kind of hard for me to do this because it’s not my area.

Thoughts welcome... I’m feeling quite negative and wondering whether to call it a day. I like him, there’s chemistry but if this date is ANOTHER pub I think I’ll feel a bit meh. However don’t want to be unnecessarily high maintenance! Every possibility I could move here quite easily in the future so while I’m not thinking about it now I don’t necessarily think this issue should be a bar on him investing a little.

So make it happen! Get Googling and suggest some places. Or ask on here for suggestions. Or ask him.

Did you put that you like pubs on your profile?
Is it really that you want to be woo-ed a bit?

Nice reply, thank you. Yes I want to be wooed I guess! Been around the block a bit and feel it’s important to be valued as the previous guys never did! Ok... could get googling but I just have a sense that it should be him making the effort. Conscious that this is outdated!

Sorry but someone who just wants to hang out in pubs and drink wouldn't do it for me. I wouldn't have paid extra to stay, either. He just wants to get drunk and shag, IME.

Yep... would you cancel this evening then?

Yes. I'd rather go someplace on my own. I'm really not impressed with big drinkers, tbh. It's always pub and shag with these types. Boring. I'd just tell him something came up and I have to go back to my home city and then let it drift.

Yep, pub 'n' shag merchant. Next!

3rd date could be interesting though. Your typical OLD 'hump & dumper' expect a shag by 3rd date and if they don't get it they give up and move onto the next victim. I'd give him one last chance and let him reveal his intentions.

Cinema?

So so true

What's wrong with pubs??
I cant be arsed wooing or being wooed. If you get on, you get on... but that's me.

However the fact he has asked you to book an extra night... clearly expecting a shag. Not necessarily a bad thing if you also fancy it too.

It wouldn’t impress me. A dinner date has to be next surely? If you want a relationship with a pub vibe then go with it, if you want a bit more wooing I’d either a) meet and have a shag then bin or b) not go.
I’m with you with the old fashioned idea of a man asking the woman to dinner at beginning of dating.

It just goes to show how different people can be. The idea of a man wheeling out the old cliched dinner date stuff... nope! Maybe this guy has been with women who are similarly put off by this sort of stuff.

More likely he just likes to drink a lot and shag. It's just a lack of imagination. Meh. So boring. Let's go drink. Let's go drink some more. Pay to shag me by staying extra in a hotel. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

The pub dates wouldn't bother me so much as the fact it seems to be at a time and location convenient for him and not you. I'd give him one last chance and say 'can we go on a proper dinner date near me next time? I'm fed up of schlepping it over here for you'

God, the hotel room thing is so fucking presumptuous!

So you have to travel to where he is, book and pay for a hotel, and he tells you which pub to go to? . He should be coming to you and taking you out somewhere nice. Don't down value yourself!

Can you explain this "I stay in a hotel" thing?

Are you travelling just for the dates?

Or travelling for work?

Would you be there even if you weren't seeing him?

First date lasted 7 hours.

Why?

First date should be a short meet up to check eachother out. To be able to give up 7 hours to that shows that at least one of you has nothing better to do.

Don't let that person be you, because if it is you, then all sorts of scammers and users and toxics will latch onto your lack of boundaries and they won't let go.

So now you know this, look back on what has happened, and I think things will seem more clear.

It's not you. It's your boundaries.

If you've been around a bit, then you know the value of being honest and upfront.
Instead of waiting for him to read your mind, why not suggest that since you have a bit more time this evening, then you would prefer a sol down meal.

It could be he just likes a pub atmosphere, and thinks that you do too. Doesn't mean he won't value you, after all he doesn't know you.

If you want a mature relationship, then BE mature and communicate. If he doesn't take note then he is not for you.

Don't shag him if the jury is still out.

*sit down 😊

Yea but to be fair you got pissed both times and kissed him passionately both times - so I'm imagining he thinks pubs are your scene!

*Why?

First date should be a short meet up to check eachother out.*

Wtf? Who are you to say what should or shouldn't happen on a first date? Bloody hell, we are all adults and can all do whatever we want.

I don’t really understand the issue. What do you want to do instead? Whatever you want to do instead, suggest it. Then see what he says.

Did you meet him?

I like pub dates!

Still OP, I get exactly what you're saying. All the effort and expense seems to be coming from your side, and he sounds rather dull and uninspired.
I would be seriously flattered if a guy was putting himself up in a hotel, in order to facilitate our dates, and would be pulling out all the stops dating wise.
Also, are you sure he's not married? It just seems unusual that he hasn't invited you back to his.