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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need an advice

36 replies

1sunflower · 24/05/2019 09:22

So me and my ex partner have a 19month old daughter. We have been together but recently split up. He was very controlling like how much i spend,checking my banking, going thru my phone, followed me to work all in the beggining of the relatiknship. When i got pregnant things settled. Then when i gave birth he suddenly staryed to become distant... we stopped sleeping together, we stopped showing eachother love and had arguments like big arguments. Then i started to be suspicious because for me to go from all that to nothing was like a shock and i started blaming myself first that my body changed, that obviously theres no time now because im looking after a baby and he works. Then things started to get messy. He would hide with his phone, sleep in another room and literally no attention whatsoever. He would always moan we are not gonna go out eat because our daughter will start crying and he doesn't want to go to spend a sunday anywhere because he is tired. Then i started to become paranoid that maybe he has someone and that's why he changed so much... we would argue... i would try and explain that i think he has someone because he has changed so much and he would just laugh in my face and say im no one i don't work and he is the one supporting me because he is working, that im fat and that's why he doesn't sleep with me( since that time i lost weight and i am currently 55kg but i feel like crap and unatractive). So we just started be terrible to each other. Recently we had an argument about this too that he stays up all night on his phone and doesn't even come to lay down or spend some time together so that we can get this relationship a bit better. He just went all crazy and started saying stuff about my family, accusing me of stealing his money and giving it to them and all sorts. So i found his old phone and found photos on there from beggining of our relationship.... in the space of 5months we were together and were about to rent a flat together he was with another girl at the same time(some brazillian stripper) and i thought no this can't be right! There were photos of her half naked and some other girls but that was from time before me... the photos made me sick! Most of them were undressed sleeping or drunk women and he was taking pictures of their body parts like in a creepy way :( i spoke to the brazilian girl and she was shocked to see he has photos of her like this and that she didn't know. She confirmed that they were together at that time and that he was taking drugs and aggressive and jealous so she left him and this is when he just committed to our relationship fully.... now i don't know what to do because he became even more aggressive and threatened to take full custody of.my daughter and that he has money, knows people and knows a judge! This little girl is my whole life and i have been looking after her every day since the day i gave birth to her. I couldn't go to evening job because he said no... now he is saying that because in on benefits and i don't have money to support our daughter he will take me to court and he will take her away from me and he will say im a psycho... my mother abounded me and siblings 4 years ago and now he is using this against me to saying he will say to court that my mother is a whore and that way he will take my child away. He always tries to twist every word i say always says he makes money and im no one and nothing and im not good for any job but he prevents me from going to work like pub or somewhere with late hours so that i can put my daughter to sleep and go to work. That way i can spend whole day with her. He said he spoke to a friend that is a judge and they said it will be a simple procedure taking the child away from me. I don't know what to do? Is this really true? Can he take her away? He has a son from previous marriage but he lives with his mom and visits him few day a week. He said they will say hes a good dad too and i have no chance of getting full custody of our daughter :( im so stressed i have not eaten for few days and lost so much weight. Yesterday he has called am ambulance and said is me who is destroying him and that because of the stress i give him he was in hospital and wrote me a nasty message calling me names saying he will kick me out from the house and destroy me :(

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1sunflower · 24/05/2019 09:28

I will also add that he has only stayed once for a whole day and if i would go out to a hairdresser once a year he would call me where am i that i need to be home because he has to spend time individually with his son 11 and our daughter is not letting them. He only took her out to a park once. Im not saying he is a bad father but because he takes his son 4days a week he feels that he has to spend time with him and give him all the attention... but i think they could all spend a day together nicely because our daughter always runs to her brother or dad...

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Ellisandra · 24/05/2019 10:12

Just how likely is it, that a low life druggie arsehole like him has a friend who is a judge? Does that sound like his social circle? Nope. That’s just bullshit to scare you. He’s a bit thick too, isn’t he? Not a slightly believable friend of a friend who is a solicitor, but a friend who is a judge. Bullshit.

You need to speak to Women’s Aid for advice on how to leave him safely x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/05/2019 10:16

Your ex is abusive, an outright liar (as if this person actually knows a judge) and a danger to you and your child. Most such men threaten full custody as well and its an empty threat done to further intimidate and punish the mother.

Please use all means at your disposal to get this abuser out of your lives once and for all. Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 is a good place to start. I would also seek police help and legal advice from the likes of the Rights of Women organisation too re obtaining injunctions against him.

1sunflower · 24/05/2019 10:36

He's bosses wife is a judge :(

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/05/2019 10:43

So what if she is?. It does not mean anything and is irrelevant to the situation you find yourself in. You cannot believe a single word he says to you.

Your main concern should be the welfare of your own self and your child. You need to get your ex out of your lives permanently.

Summerorjustmaybe · 24/05/2019 10:47

But you already know for sure he is a lying twat.
Now see a solicitor and keep him away from you both.

1sunflower · 24/05/2019 10:49

And you see my friend told me to call womens aid too but here i am telling myself what he does is not an abuse and he made me believe that its not and that I'm the one that's wrong... here i am thinking should i really take all these actions with police and womens aid against my child's father?

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1sunflower · 24/05/2019 10:54

I've lost all my friends because of this relationship except from 1 girl that i still keep in contact with,i don't go out , i stay home cook and clean and look after our daughter which i love doing but if i say anything he tells me i'm moaning that i have to look after our child and i'm a bad mother... my brother and sister was not aloud in our house when he was home so they had to leave before he came home because he always said they only come here to charge their phones and eat the food he pays for....

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/05/2019 11:04

"here i am thinking should i really take all these actions with police and womens aid against my child's father?"

Yes you should. What alternative is there?. He has done a thorough job both of targeting and subsequently abusing you and in turn his child. He does not have custody at all of his son.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example were you shown?.

What is your definition of abuse?. Its not just physical in nature.

1sunflower · 24/05/2019 11:15

Well when i was growing up it was all different back then... women stays home and looks after the house and the kids and the man works and has everything served to him... i stopped doing all looking after him recently...
I know what he is doing is not right but i don't know how to explain this... when we went on holiday to our country to visit his family and do my dd christening , my sister and brother went too. He has left me at home with our dd in his town with his father and went with his mates and his mates partners to drink... he was so drunk calling me and giving the phone to other women so they make all these noises in the phone... i felt terrible, why is it that he always leaves me behind and his friends took their wifes and girlfriends out... he came back drunk and slapped me in my face/head with open arm like really hard.... i wanted to leave then but his mum and him started saying how this is nothing back in her days she got beaten up worse and that i should think about our dd and not take her away from her dad and brake the family up. I know I'm stupid just like he says but he made me believe that i am the one in the wrong...

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1sunflower · 24/05/2019 11:18

He always laughs and says i don't know what an abuse is and that he is a good partner. That i should get a guy that would beat the sh** out of me and then i would see what an abuse is...

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/05/2019 11:21

Your ex saw his mother being beaten up and learnt that this is how men treat women i.e. by abusing them. Men like this hate women, all of them and in particular their own mother.

You are not stupid but you were targeted and deliberately so by this man. Do not make the mistakes his mother made, her counsel to you is worse than useless so therefore worthless. Please take notice of what you are being advised to do on here. Its a better path for you and your DD. She must not grow up thinking that yes this is how men actually treat women. Would you want her to have this in her adult life; no you would not.

NannyRed · 24/05/2019 11:22

My advice, write in paragraphs so people can read your Iliad.

crystalize · 24/05/2019 11:29

There's no point in talking to him about his abuse! Seek advice from womens Aid but do not tell him. When he kicks off, shoves you, threatens you, call the police. Theres no way he can take your child.
Please take the advice on here. This is serious shit. Absolutely appalling as well of his mother.

1sunflower · 24/05/2019 11:44

Sorry for the post without paragraphs. I'm just so nervous, sad and I'm stressed that i just type as fast as i can to get some advice on this situation.

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Ellisandra · 24/05/2019 11:57

Oh just fuck off @NannyRed - has it really made your day so much better to be patronising to someone upset and in an awful situation? Really?

OP, it is easier to read with paragraphs and because of that you may get more responses. But you’re stressed and brave enough to just get this out... so ignoring people being dicks.

You absolutely should speak to Women’s Aid. He doesn’t need to have hit you for this to be abuse, but actually he HAS hit you. Please - do call them. Good luck x

MaidenMotherCrone · 24/05/2019 12:01

@NannyRed why say that? What a cow you are. This poor woman is trying to explain when English is not her first language and your first thoughts are paragraphs! ODFOD

75Renarde · 24/05/2019 12:11

@NannyRed

You're a twat. You're welcome.Wink

OP. This is a potentially dangerous situation, in more ways than one. ATM he is threatening you eith your child. Please, please don't make the mistake I did and ignore this mans rants.

This really is police time. Sit back and think of all the many abuses he has committed. Go to them and get it on record.

Next, file a residency order with the court. Do it quickly. Explain your reasons, DA, and that your partner is not fit to have custody of the child.

This will unleash Armageddon but trust me. It's the right thing to do. Never let him in your property again.

Halo84 · 24/05/2019 14:28

In the judge-just to ease your mind, if the boss’ wife was assigned to your case, you could object as she knows, or has a remote connection to your husband, and she would be removed from the case.

mbosnz · 24/05/2019 15:46

If his bosses wife is a judge, it is seriously unlikely that she would give this lowlife creep the time of day let along any kind of legal advice.

EKGEMS · 24/05/2019 15:50

He's lying through his fucking teeth there's no judge on this planet who would grant full custody to a father with no history of child abuse or other illegal vices. He's an abusive bastard and you should get the hell away from him ASAP

PenguinWings · 24/05/2019 15:56

Another one to say that he's lying. Even if his boss' wife is a judge she doesn't know the situation. So he's either lying to you or to her or more likely both.

1sunflower · 24/05/2019 16:16

Thank you all for the posts. I have no proof of him being abusive towards me, except for the messages he sent me... what he said about the judge is that he spoke to her and that she said is an easy case for him to get dd :( i was so stupid that i never reported any of these incidents... i was always thinking i shouldn't do this to my child's father and tried being civil...

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1sunflower · 24/05/2019 16:17

And again he always makes himself look like such a partner and father material in peoples eyes...

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1sunflower · 24/05/2019 16:27

@AttilaTheMeerkat you are right. I wouldn't want my daughter to be treated like this :(

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