Some shocking news and I don't know what to do.

[sizzles73]

Sorry if this goes on a bit, have name changed as the situation is delicate. I have been married for 4 years and we have 2 small children under 5.

Last year dh came home very upset as he'd been called round to his brothers house to find him there with his mum and other brother, he told me that his brother "had been in some trouble at work involving money, been fired, arrested and was basicly facing the possibility of a custodial sentence" (or words to that effect). Although I'm not that close to his brother i've been supportive, not asked to many questions and tried to invite my mil round to play with the children/have lunch more often to take her mind off things etc...

Anyway last September they finally got round to sentencing him, he had pleaded guilty so there was no trial as such and he got a year (looking to serve half of this).

When dh got home from court he was devastated but I did ask again, did you find out what he did, to be honest I was surprised that a rime of theft or fraud against an employer would be so harsh...my dh said no, fraud of some description

Dh visited his brother a couple of times in prison but didn't want to talk about it that much....anyway skip forward 8 months, he is now out and my dh confessed to me 2 months ago that his brother was actually convicted of downloading and viewing pornographic images of children. The only reason he told me was because 2 members of the police Child protection team were coming round to see us that afternoon as it had been decided neccesary to do a full disclose to us, particularly in the light of us having 2 dds. I am so angry with my husband and my mil who told him to keep it a secret. I feel betrayed, stupid to have trusted my husbands version of events. It has been a few months since the disclosure and I have told dh that myself and the children will be having no contact whatsoever with their uncle again, he agrees. I haven't seen my mil either since all of this, though I did phone her to tell her how I felt.

I'm so sad that my marriage has fallen on shaky ground at such an early stage. I don't understand how my dh could lie to me about something he knows I feel so strongly about.

Thanks for listening, I really want this to work and do love my dh but the family has been blown apart.

Any advice or anyone been in a similar situation....

I've read the whole thread. One thing you said in your opening message was that the only reason DH told you now was because the child protection team was coming. Otherwise the family would still be trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Has the fiancee been told the whole unvarnished truth? I feel sorry for her. Do paediaphiles ever change, or do they just hide it better?

Hansies Mum, The fact dh was backed into a corner to tell me because social services had decided police must disclose to me/us was one of the things that angered me the most. Had this not have happened (perhaps it wouldn't if we didn't have dds) then this whole business may have stayed a secret forever. I know that dh would never have let our dds come to any harm but still...

Do paedophiles ever really change? I don't know the answer, I know he is showing willing in the fact hes completed some courses and counselling, his new employer has to ensure he never has access to computers but despite all this the police officerd dealing with him say he still sees himself as a victim in all of this and still doesn't see the severity of what hes done.

'despite all this the police officers dealing with him say he still sees himself as a victim in all of this and still doesn't see the severity of what hes done.' Well, that is sad but for me that would really be the thing that showed he could never, ever be trusted.

Keep him away from your children. Always. He cannot be trusted.

I don't really understand - your DH was trying to protect you by lying about BIL's crime? He was trying to protect BIL and preserve the family status quo. This kind of secrecy is what allows abuse to continue. Abusers thrive because their victims keep quiet. Be open and honest. I wish you and yours all the very best.

Hope you have a good chat this evening

I 100 percent agree with winkywinkola in that he can never be trust, but also that everything that he has done in the past cannot be trusted.

What this man has done is not just about him, it is about his victims. I wouldn't disown him simply because I wouldn't want him to get far enough off the radar to do it again.

It's a huge thing having this kind of lie within a family, but make sure the blame for any family disputes remain at bil's door. Don't let him come between any of you.

Be open and honest.
Good luck.

I hope you and your DH are making up Sizzles!

how are you feeling?

This thread has really touched me and made me realise (again) how supportive Mumsnet can be.

Just read this thread and am very moved for you Sizzles, best of luck. This thread is mumsnet at it's best. Thoughtful, intelligent and supportive.

When we marry and have kids, they become our priority. So he has really slipped up by not telling you this. Thank God the child-protection team felt it necessary to visit you, because at the end of the day, it actually was necessary to visit you and inform you. Nobody else had!!

I can see why they want to believe the best of their son and brother, and are possibly in denial, or if not, very ashamed. But if it is denial, then that is really bad, because it means that they`d be treating your BIL as a "normal" person with regards to your kids. If they are ashamed, thats another issue, but MIL should still have not played happy families with you.

Thankyou everyone who has posted on this thread. I can't over estimate how much hope and strength it has provided. It has not been something I have felt I can share with my everyday friends (those who I have made since having kids) for obvious reasons and so the relief I have from sharing here and having people listen and offer thoughtful impartial advice has been immense.

DH and I had a long talk last night about the future and how we are both feeling now. He knows what he did was wrong but the whole thing snowballed and I can see that now, he is truly sorry. I hope that relationships with mil can resume but this will take time, I will put more effort into this over the next few months.

Thankyou thankyou again x

My FIL has been convicted of viewing child pornography (about 10,000 images so it had been going on for years). No one has contact with him (apart from occasional texts at birthdays etc..) and he has moved hundreds of miles away.

He was only found out because the computer broke while he was away on business and MIL sent computer away to be fixed.

It was thought to be so serious they arrested him straight away. MIL was a childminder and he worked from home a lot of the time and they had to establish if any of the mindees had been abused (they hadn't but some of the abused kids in the pictures had the mindees faces put on them)

IMHO the welfare of any child comes before the paedophile and I actually phoned the police after I learned that he had a new girlfriend that had kids. I don't know what was done, but could not have lived with him abusing any child being, never mind my own.

Keep as far away as you can but don't lose complete contact as Mrs Marvel, you might need to do what I did at a later date.

(No one else knows that I phoned the police at all and my hands are shaking typing this!)

Sizzles, I am so sorry you are going through this.

I think you are doing well, you are talking to your DH you have made sure that your children will not be in contact with this "person" again.

My only concern would be if you MIL is so in denile about what her son has done then I don't think ever letting her look after your children or take them out is an option in case she lets this "person" see them.

I think so many people have given you such good advice and have been so strong to talk about this openly here.

God bless you all.

Sizzles, I don't have anything to offer as advice (especially after reading the thoughtful and wise posts of others) but just wanted to say that I truly admire your courage and willingness to understand why your DH did not tell you, and to rebuild your relationship with MIL.

Your little family deserves to be happy and secure, and thanks to you they will be.

Hippopotamouse, I was very sorry to hear what you and your family have been through but thankyou for sharing.

I think that you really did do the right thing regarding the police, as once a paedophile is released, moves away and off radar the police really have no way of monitoring who they get invoved with. In my BILs case it seems the woman he has become involved with has very low self esteem and also has a child (can't really go into details) fortunately social services and police are aware and so we have to trust that they have put restrictions on his access in order to protect this child.

Because we no longer have any contact its difficult to find out information but we're hoping that the restrictions on him will continue.

Thankyou again for replying and sharing x