Some shocking news and I don't know what to do.

[sizzles73]

Sorry if this goes on a bit, have name changed as the situation is delicate. I have been married for 4 years and we have 2 small children under 5.

Last year dh came home very upset as he'd been called round to his brothers house to find him there with his mum and other brother, he told me that his brother "had been in some trouble at work involving money, been fired, arrested and was basicly facing the possibility of a custodial sentence" (or words to that effect). Although I'm not that close to his brother i've been supportive, not asked to many questions and tried to invite my mil round to play with the children/have lunch more often to take her mind off things etc...

Anyway last September they finally got round to sentencing him, he had pleaded guilty so there was no trial as such and he got a year (looking to serve half of this).

When dh got home from court he was devastated but I did ask again, did you find out what he did, to be honest I was surprised that a rime of theft or fraud against an employer would be so harsh...my dh said no, fraud of some description

Dh visited his brother a couple of times in prison but didn't want to talk about it that much....anyway skip forward 8 months, he is now out and my dh confessed to me 2 months ago that his brother was actually convicted of downloading and viewing pornographic images of children. The only reason he told me was because 2 members of the police Child protection team were coming round to see us that afternoon as it had been decided neccesary to do a full disclose to us, particularly in the light of us having 2 dds. I am so angry with my husband and my mil who told him to keep it a secret. I feel betrayed, stupid to have trusted my husbands version of events. It has been a few months since the disclosure and I have told dh that myself and the children will be having no contact whatsoever with their uncle again, he agrees. I haven't seen my mil either since all of this, though I did phone her to tell her how I felt.

I'm so sad that my marriage has fallen on shaky ground at such an early stage. I don't understand how my dh could lie to me about something he knows I feel so strongly about.

Thanks for listening, I really want this to work and do love my dh but the family has been blown apart.

Any advice or anyone been in a similar situation....

I think I would think very hard before ending contact with your MIL. I would keep the lines of communication open with her. even if you don't see her yet, maybe you can speak on the phone? I understand things may be very raw at the moment, but she is dh's mother and your dc's grandmother.
again, I know it is difficult but please don't let your family get fractured by this. that would be a terrible terrible tragedy for everyone.

This is a horrid situation to be in and your Head must be full of questions but I think you need to speak to DH and ask why he didn't tell you as long as you let DH and MIL know that under no circumstances are your children going to be in any contact with BIL.
Let them know how you feel and explain that as part of the family you should of been told straight away.Show DH some love and support as I bet he is feeling like c**p.
Please don't let it come between you and DH it is BIL that did the crime.

Yes, we have invited her over but she said shes too upset to come, she says everything is too fresh. I know shes angry that dh and I aren't seeing the BIL, as an aside he is supposed to be marrying in a few months and we have said we won't be there.

How can we, our girls were supposed to be flower girls....

I assume his fiancee knows then doesn't she? Not sure I could marry someone with that knoweldge.

I don't understand either, I don't know her that well. Before I knew the truth was really happy for them but she has continually lied too.

So, longer term what happens if they go on to have children? Not saying you should answer that - or even if you can - but it's an issue that might well loom at some point.

Are you sure she knows??

Your BIL should understand that what he did causes this kind of pain and anger and HE should understand why you don't want to see him and why you don't want your DD's to see him.I think you are doing the right thing and to be honest I think that your MIL should respect your decision and I think she should see your DD's because it's not there fault.It was her son that did the crime, she should realise that it was wrong and these are the consequences of what he did.She needs to accept that this is how it is now and start to see your DD's, the only person who is to blame is BIL.

Hope you can work through this, it is your family that is important now nobody else's. You do what is best for you and yours.

xx

Maybe you could explain to your MIL that you hope that the relationship between her and you/your DH/your dcs won't be defined by your BIL's crime?

Yes she knows everything and has stood by him, she has also had a full disclosure from Child protection team. I think my mil is so grateful to this girl that she is standing by him and giving him a sense of normality but I can't help feeling its an accident waiting to happen....can't really go into details.

Am looking forward to dh getting home and having a proper chat and a cuddle tonight, he has been in the spare room for much of the last few months as i've been so angry. I have been too harsh, we need to think about moving things on and enjoying our lovely little family...I think this has been a big lesson learn't for him and I need to not punish him anymore. Am crying x Thanks

Hi, I don't want to be contraversial here - BUT this is my experience !

I have known two "paedophiles" in my life. The first when I was a little girl was my Dad's best friend. He was at our house a lot, at all my birthday parties - he was Uncle X. I have a lot of very happy memories of time spent with him. When I was about 10 my dad came home very upset - Uncle X had been arrested for touching little boys. He was later convicted and hung himself in prison. He never touched me.

The second was my maths teacher at secondary school, he was also the Scout master and sailing teacher. I did sailing and was a venture scout. I spent a lot of time with him, often alone, I even took groups of scouts camping with him. Last year he was jailed for internet porn. Again he never touched me.

What I am wondering is - is it really necessary to pull your girls out of being flower girls ? And for them never to see their uncle again ?

Could it not be possible to try and rebuild the family, but obviously never allow this man to be alone with the girls ?

I just think there are loads of paedophiles out there - this one got caught - in a way he has an illness or a disability - and so long as you protect the girls, by never allowing them to be alone with him, could you not make some moves to repair the family ?

LeafTurner - I think the thing is: why would anyone want their precious dds to be flower girls to someone with paedophile tendencies? I'd find it quite sickening, regardless of family politics.

I see where you are coming from in some respects, in fact the CP officers said that paedophiles (my MIL will still not have it said that this is what he is) who drift away from family and become isolated within the community are more likely to reoffend. The reason for the disclosure was for us to assess the risk posed and act accordingly. I know the risks to our dds are low if we have supervised contact with BIL but I just can't, not at this stage. What would it say about us as parents, and how would I explain this decision to them in the future? We're too raw to even consider this at the moment.

And regarding the flower girl issue...no way

I would allow my DP to have a 'relationship' of sorts with him- as long as it didnt involve myself or my children.

I would not allow my children to be around him however.

Agree, have said dh should maintain contact if he wants.

So rather than protecting him your MIL is actually in denial then? Is the fiancee in denial too?

Completely agree about not having your dds as flower girls.

Sizzles, you're having such a hard time, I'd definitely separately the things you don't want to do (see BIL, go to wedding) from the things you do want to do (make up with DH, enjoy your family, etc) and then refuse to do anything whatsoever that falls in the former list. IMHO if patching things up with MIL is in the latter list then it'll need to be done without mention or involvement of BIL. Surely your MIL would like to keep seeing her dcs?

(Sorry meant your dcs, her grandchildren)

Jsut wanted you to know you're not alone in this.
My FIL is a convicted paedophile - he abused several young girls.

My dh told me not lon g after I'd met him because it was impossible to hide. FIL was in prison by this point.

But dh was terrified because like a lot of people he was convinced it was a family trait and that he had the potential to be an abuser too. I think over a decade on, he still dreads this like a Jekyll/Hyde transformation thing. Maybe that's part of what has caused your dh to clam up - he;s scared too?

We have hidden it from everyone apart from a few close friends and my mum. My dad doesn't know for example and will only find out when FIL dies.

We don't live anywhere near FIL, but he has visited a coupe of times. Dh and sIL are the only members of the family in touch with him.

I feel physically sick to speak to him on the phone, but dh is determined to be civil, because he's his dad.

God it's horrible isn't it.

I don't imagine this is helping any, but for your sanity you must speak to your dh about it. There will be a lot of upset, but he probably needs to hear that you trust him and that you know he is not his brother.

I agree that contact should be dropped. I wish it would be in our case, but it's so rare that I'm tryin gto support dh on it. We've not seen FIL for 18 months or so now.

I still have to remind dh that he is nothing like his dad and never will be.

Much love to you and yours - wrap up with your dh - he really will need it - try not to blame him - he'll be grieving for the loss of the brother he thought he had.

Sizzles, have read this thread with horror and sympathy. Feel so sorry for you, for dh and for MIL. You BIL is the one who has committed a crime, any anger should go his way.

It's only natural that you are angry with dh and MIL too for lying to you. But as everyone has said, they were in shock too and trying to handle it the best way they could. Clearly hiding this from you was actually a very bad idea, but it seems dh knows that now.

As long as MIL understands that when it comes any meetings with BIL she has to respect your wishes, then I'd try to rebuild your relationship with her. It would be heaping tragedy on tragedy if your dds lost their relationship with their Granny as a result of your BIL's crime. But if MIL can come to your house or go out for the day without BIL, I'd encourage that.

Not surprised you don't want BIL anywhere near your kids. Maybe at some point in the future your feelings might change towards supervised access. But MIL has to follow your wishes.

Poor woman, though, must be a mother's worst nightmare for her son, the baby she rocked, the boy whose grazed knees she wiped, to grow up like this.

I just feel so sorry for you that I have to post.

I think that your dh made a mistake in siding with family and misleading you about what BIL had been charged with. He needs to understand that now he is married, his primary loyalty should be to you and his children, not his mother and brothers. Having said that they were probably deeply shocked and ashamed when they heard what BIL had done and decided to go for damage limitation without thinking it through. They may also have had some faint hope that he would be exonerated and the whole problem would go away without anyone ever finding out.

Having said that it does sound lie MIL and Fiancee are in a bit of denial about what has happened and the potential risk to children. IMHO most people would find it difficult to associate with someone who has been convicted of a paedophile offence because it is just so abhorrent to everyone else.

I do think that you should talk this through with your dh and give him the opportunity to explain himself. He was probably very shocked and horrified when he made the decision to lie to you and once done it would have been very difficult to go back and admit that he'd lied to you and so he had to continue with it until the CP officers decided to contact you.

I can understand that your MIL doesn't want to see you. Despite what you BIL has done I daresay she still feels love for him and may be wondering what she did wrong for him to have turned out this way. If she sees the children, though, I wouldn't let her take them out without you or dh accompanying them. I say this on the basis that if she is in denial about what your BIL has done and believes him to be of no threat then she may think that she should take the dc to see him to try to continue the familial relationship because he is their uncle and loves them (I say that because that's the kind of family I have ie one where everyone thinks they know what's better for me and my dc than I do). If she did so then she may make them very vulnerable.

Also, I think it was very kind of Secret to share her experience, it can't have been easy.

I really don't know what to say. What an awful awful thing to have happened.

I would write to your MIL and say you have no real problem with her, you kind of understand why she kept it a secret, but you would like the children to have a relationship with their grandmother and there is no reason why they can't, as long as she understands you want nothing to do with her other son.

I agree about the children not being flower girls. How could something that should have been a source of pride happen with your feelings now?

BTW Does his future bride know?

wow Leaf big risk to take wouldn't with my kids no way!

Thankyou secret for sharing, your advice made a lot of sense.

My dh has said one of the reasons he was petrified of telling me was that he'd be tarred with the same brush, that in some way his brothers crimes would reflect badly on him. I know full well this is not the case but understand his concerns. We have talked more about his upbringing as an outcome of all this, trying to find answers, but we haven't found any.

Thankyou for posting, it can't have been easy to share. Thanks x

What a horrible situation. While I understand that you?re upset that your dh and mil kept the truth from you, it?s possible they did so both because they were ashamed, but also because they were afraid of repercussion.

Rightly or wrongly, people are often defined by the people they associate with, eg there is a man who lives here who was responsible for the deaths of 5 small children when he was speeding under the influence, and after he was sent to jail (in a much publicised case) his family received all sorts of threats, bricks through their windows/children being harassed at school etc, until they had no choice but to leave town. So imagine if your bil?s conviction became public knowledge, your mil/dh will be branded the mother/brother of a paedophile, and you will be branded the wife of the brother of a paedophile, etc etc. Maybe they were afraid of how they would be perceived, therefore it was better for them to keep it to themselves.

Only you can decide what you want to happen in the future, but remember that this isn?t your mil?s fault, and while I agree that your bil has done an unspeakable thing, to your mil, he is still her son, her baby, the child she gave birth to. It must be impossible for her.

Good luck xx