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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why hasn't she blocked this man?

35 replies

supersop60 · 23/05/2019 17:06

My friend (no, really) had a tempestuous, on-off relationship with a man she met online dating. It lasted about two years, and from everything she told me, it was never going to last. IMO, there was too much analysing the relationship, what's gone wrong, can we start again - type emails. She showed them to me. He saw someone else. lied about it, gaslighted her etc etc.
I, and other friends have repeatedly told her block him from every method of communication and to go NC. She hasn't, and I don't think she will.
My question is - if anyone out there can shed some light on this and explain why she won't let go, can you tell me why? I'm trying to help her.

OP posts:
Femalebornandbreed · 23/05/2019 17:07

Because she likes it.

She likes being in a destructive relationships

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2019 17:09

She's a drama addict.

Original poster
supersop60 · 23/05/2019 17:09

But she's a wreck. She's been in therapy for 6 months. This guy keeps emailing, sending poems etc and won't leave her alone.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2019 17:10

Why would he leave her alone when she isn't leaving him alone? Dysfunction attracts dysfunction.

Original poster
supersop60 · 23/05/2019 17:16

She isn't contacting him, but this last weekend she did respond to one of his emails, and she's gone downhill again.
What makes someone do this? She's 53 FFS.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2019 17:21

So yes she IS contacting him. I think the best thing you can do for her is to refuse to be involved in this drama or listen to her whinging about it. I would tell her that until she stops sabotaging herself by keeping in contact with this man, there is nothing anyone can do to help her. You CAN NOT help her. Pandering to her drama is only enabling her. She is making the choice to be miserable.

Original poster
supersop60 · 23/05/2019 17:26

You're right. I AM pandering to her drama. I thought I was being a sympathetic friend, by listening. Ha.

OP posts:
Intothe · 23/05/2019 17:30

Because she likes it. She likes being in a destructive relationships

Stupid ignorant statement.

It's because she probably can't see a way out. She is quite possibly emotionally and financially dependent on him.

It's like asking why don't all children who are being abused just run away?

Original poster
supersop60 · 23/05/2019 18:21

She's not financially dependent on him, and they broke up over a year ago. They live about 60 miles apart. He's a narc.

OP posts:
Intothe · 23/05/2019 18:42

What she's doing is not your problem. If you want to be a friend to her, be a friend.

Original poster
supersop60 · 23/05/2019 18:48

By doing.....?

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 23/05/2019 18:49

I would point her towards the Freedom Programme and the Lucy Bundy book.

Original poster
supersop60 · 23/05/2019 18:54

Thank you.

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 23/05/2019 19:06

Freedom programme is a good shout as PP said.

When I was a teenager/ early twenties I would have understood this, men like that make you feel so anxious and panicky in a relationship that you want out but you also don't want them to move on because they've made you reliant on them emotionally with a rollercoaster of love bombing, withdrawal and round and round.

Obviously I don't know her but I do get how complicated this dependency can be and it's very hard to explain in the thick of it. They take up so much of your headspace that it feels impossible to completely cut off contact.

Great she's seeing a counsellor, hopefully that will see her through this and out the other side. Now I am a bit ruthless with cutting contact and clean breaks because it helps both parties accept its over more quickly and with much less emotional fallout.

Doesitevenmatternow · 23/05/2019 21:14

I would imagine because it is exciting for the periods they are on an 'up' then he disappears, life feels empty and boring, he starts pursuing her again and although shw has vowed to cut him out the attention is intoxicating, she gives in, then he starts to pull away again, he's gone, its boring etc etc

She has to decide herself it's not for her.

You could suggest a few exercises

  • reflect on what proportion of time you've spent feeling happy since you met
  • come up with any logical way this repeated pattern could make you happy
  • what advice would you give to a friend, daughter or any woman you really loved in this situation? Be that friend to yourself.
ChristmasFluff · 23/05/2019 21:38

Melanie Tonia Evans writes and YouTubes a lot about how people who are narcissistically abused often become addicted to their abuser - and this is probably what has happened to your friend. I've linked to a couple of articles below, and she has a book called 'you can thrive after narcissistic abuse' which is really good and has exercises that could help your friend break away from him. She also has a 16 day course that is free - your friend really couldn't lose by signing up to it. The details are on all her blogs and youtubes

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-it-means-to-be-addicted-to-a-narcissist-and-how-to-break-free-from-it/

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-answer-to-narcissistic-abuse-that-no-is-talking-about-peptide-addiction/

Treesthemovie · 23/05/2019 22:46

It is the trauma bond which is very well documented

JustAstroturf · 24/05/2019 10:45

Because you can be addicted to a person.

Reading about intermittent reward and the sunk cost fallacy helped me understand as well

75Renarde · 24/05/2019 12:15

Trauma bond and she's being abused.

You're doing the right thing. Please dont abandon her now when she needs you the most.

You're a good friend.

75Renarde · 24/05/2019 12:19

That Melanie woman is a narc herself. She writes utter nonsense! For example, just read this

Your symptoms are NOT because of what the narcissist did or does to you – it’s the ongoing addiction cycle that you are not breaking that is causing your deterioration.

Absolute fucking bollocks. I'm VERY angry that she is peddling this shit.

Go to narcsite and HG Tudor. He will set you right.

75Renarde · 24/05/2019 13:46

The above article is somewhat helpful but 'Polly misses the point. Spectacularly.

Pinkvoid · 24/05/2019 15:03

I was in a similar situation years ago when I was in my early twenties. My friends all hated him and wanted me to ditch him and I can’t honestly explain now why I didn’t do it sooner. He was horrible, abusive, manipulative, controlling etc but I still stuck around. I used to storm out of his house sometimes and swear I would never speak to him again but always did. He controlled everything I did by the end, or at least tried his best to. He would remove my phone when I got to his house and hide it so I couldn’t use it, would rub my lipstick off with a wipe and say make up didn’t suit me, always insulted the way I dressed etc etc. I had confidence and self esteem when I met him, it had completely depleted by the end. He was amazing at first! So charming and wonderful, completely love bombed me and I found him incredibly captivating. I think that is what I clung onto...

Anyway when I did eventually end the relationship he stalked me for months. By stalked I mean I did block him on every platform possible but he found other phones to call me from (even a pay phone once) so I just changed my number. Then he started turning up at my house and just sitting in his car outside or he’d post love letters through the door. He knew my route to work in the morning (which I was unable to change) so he would follow me and shout things out of his car window or beep his horn. This went on for around 6/7 months until one day he jumped me in the street in broad daylight and I had no chance at all because he was 6 foot 2 and built like a brick shithouse. I was shaken up and phoned the police who had a word with him then thankfully I never heard a thing from him again...

I feel nothing but pity for your friend. I disagree with PP’s about her loving the drama. Sometimes we become so entangled in a situation, it can feel impossible to escape. I can understand how frustrating it is for you but I don’t think she is doing it for attention. It’s doubtful any malice is involved, she just feels unable to leave right now.

Link her to the freedom programme and try your best to continue supporting her.

BumbleBeee69 · 24/05/2019 17:23

Why would he leave her alone when she isn't leaving him alone? Dysfunction attracts dysfunction.

this Flowers

Original poster
supersop60 · 25/05/2019 14:12

Just to be perfectly clear - they are not together. They split up over a year ago, and he started seeing someone else (not sure if that is over or not). But he still persists in emailing a load of shit and my friend still hasn't blocked him, and gets upset at his persistence. And she can't stop herself replying to the occasional email, which then brings another onslaught. I think she wants to have the last word, and he won't let her. SO frustrating.

OP posts: