Why hasn't she blocked this man?

[supersop60]

My friend (no, really) had a tempestuous, on-off relationship with a man she met online dating. It lasted about two years, and from everything she told me, it was never going to last. IMO, there was too much analysing the relationship, what's gone wrong, can we start again - type emails. She showed them to me. He saw someone else. lied about it, gaslighted her etc etc.
I, and other friends have repeatedly told her block him from every method of communication and to go NC. She hasn't, and I don't think she will.
My question is - if anyone out there can shed some light on this and explain why she won't let go, can you tell me why? I'm trying to help her.

What makes someone do this?

Probably a deep seated sense of low self worth.

From a woman who WAS this woman. My friends backed away as they couldn't keep watching me do it. It DIDNT stop me if anything when it eventually ended, it sank me even further into a black cloud as not only was I going through heartbreak I didn't have anyone to turn to.

From the outside, yes I was gaslighted, controlled manipulated. But I couldn't see it, I thought he loved me and I loved him. I lost over a stone in weight in a month, I couldn't eat or sleep and this was whilst I was with him. He had such a control over me that I didn't know.

Now I'm a very strong confident woman. But this man broke me. To the point when it did end I turned to therapy for help. Best thing I did. I'm friends now with my friends, but they all say the worst thing they did was leave me to a point where I had nobody.

So please, whilst it's hard to watch and whilst it's hard to understand. It's abuse and abuse isn't always easy to walk away from.

Just be there for her, let her know the whilst you know how this will end. You will support her and be there to pick her up when she falls.

If he's gaslighting her, cheating etc it's possible she's trauma bonded to him.

Sorry I used the wrong tense in that, I do realise they aren't together. I mean if he behaved like that during the relationship when it was happening she could have a trauma bond to him.

A friend was constantly crying to her adult daughters about her stormy relationship. It went on and on and finally the girls had a mini-intervention.
They told her:

• if she wasn't going to take anyone's advice or leave him, she couldn't tell them about it anymore.
• that they loved her, but couldn't help until she was ready to help herself.
• that when she finally had enough they would help her leave and make a new life.

She did leave a few months later, with their support. And then eventually went back. But no longer burdens them with any details. Their relationship remains close, and they all know they did everything possible for her.

Good luck, OP. 💜

I think she likes the attention, knowing he is still thinking about her

She thrives on the drama with him and attention she gets from her friends for playing victim... Dismiss any further attempts to discuss it. Let it be her problem and she'll get bored without all the concern of you fluffing over her.

Please listen to the people here who are asking you to support your friend.

Dealing with a narcissist and the triangulation is awful and she may not realise what she's up against yet. If you haven't been through it, it's hard to take seriously but it sounds as though what is happening to your friend is typical.

75Renarde's suggestion of HG Tudor is excellent. If you could show her the site and perhaps buy her a book, that could switch the lightbulb on.

OP
I also was that woman.
I had low self esteem. I grew up knowing that if I hadn't been born, my father would have been happier, my parents marriage would have been happier.....I had/ have absolute belief that everyone can overcome their past ( even him)
And he was very very good at lying and messing with my head.

I finally finally " got it". I'm in my late 40's and it took me until now to secure my boundaries and realise that I don't have to be someone else's cannon fodder.

I have 2 friends that stuck around and I am so grateful.

I get incredibly angry when there's this expectation that we need to have everything sorted by a certain age. We are ALL struggling with something, but it just manifests itself in different ways.

Update. I saw my friend today, and everything has changed since last week.She has changed her therapist and it's already helping her more.
She had a phone conversation with her ex in which he was full of apologies and I-want-you-backs. Then he went silent for 2 days, and refused to say what he's been doing. When my friend said she was busy seeing friends, he accused her of lying, cheating, being stupid etc.
Suddenly the scales fell from her eyes and she saw him for what he was - a gaslighting abusive scumbag. She has blocked him on everything. Hurrah! Let's see how long it lasts.