Clingy mum??! *Help!!*

[Polly1127]

Long post! I’ll try keep it short but I think you need some background!
My mum is an amazing person. If I ever needed her, for anything, she’d be there. She’s really such an amazing help to me and my husband.

That saying, she seems to have issues with other family members, not sure if its anxiety but she seems to think people talk about her and have issues directly about her. I don’t see it and I never have done however, as I have grown up, things have pieced together.

I used to ask my brother, “why does everyone in the family have an issue with mum?” He once said, “you’ll find they don’t have an issue with her, she has an issue with them”

At a funeral, my uncle sat on another table simply because the seat was closer and that to my mum means, ‘they are obviously talking about me because they haven’t sat on our table’. Any social family occasion, we always come away from it and someone has always been “funny” with her. Personally, I don’t see it.

I think she really does take things to heart, over thinks things and simply make things up.

Things really dawned on me when it was the run up to my wedding, which as some will know is already a stressful time.
My mum ruined the whole run up to my wedding. I went to book our nail appointments and I turn up to find that my mum had already booked herself in, didn’t think about me at all. Nails, waxing, whole lot. Which really upset me because I thought we would have done that together and 2 days before my wedding, I went on my own to get my nails done.
I asked my dad if he wanted to do a dad and daughter dance and what song. He sent me the song and it was basically a funeral song. A goodbye to your dad funeral song. FYI my bridesmaid’s dad died 2 months before my wedding and I explained to my mum and dad, the song wasn’t appropriate. I would feel uncomfortable. My mum flipped “you shouldn’t be thinking about your bridesmaid, she won’t be bothered she’ll be fine. Its your day! You have really upset your dad because you don’t like the song and you should just dance to us you have broken his heart”. I mean, it was my day but I have a heart and I love my friend who I have known 28 years! Turned out that was a lie anyway because dad didn’t even originally pick the song in the first place, it was mum! Dad happily picked another.
Then a couple of days before the wedding, the venue said I could go visit just to make sure everything was ok. I said great, invited mum and my bridesmaids to come with me. My mum had already been a few times to the venue but my bridesmaids had never been and obviously super excited. Well, my mum kicked off. Wondered why the bridesmaids were coming, it should be a mother and daughter thing and why are my friends always there. Why do my friends always have me running about and doing things and that “they are just looking out for themselves!”. I have known my friends for 20 years and I can assure you, they are the best friends a girl could ask for! My mums attitude at the venue was disgraceful, my friends asked what was wrong with my mum and I had to explain, she didn’t want them there.
My mums main issue I think is, she has no friends. She relies on my dad and me to do things with her and take her places (even though she drives). She’s not very independent, so when I do things with my friends, it’s a major deal and translates this to pushing her away.

She really shouted at me the day before the wedding screaming at me in the car park about how she’s not been involved and always doing things with my friends and I am pushing her out. It was embarrassing and obviously unnecessary, I was already stressed. I went home and sobbed.
I then phoned my brother and he said she done the exact same thing to him and he said just be prepared for her to ruining your wedding morning. She had loads of involvement in the wedding, but it was never enough.
I calmed down and went around to mums with a list of all the things she was involved in: Brides dress, bridesmaid dresses, venue, food choices, wine choices, photographer, band song choices, flowers, cars, invitations and confetti. However, somehow this wasn’t enough and she still made out it wasn’t quality time! I don’t know any other couple whose parents paid to come and sample the wedding food with the couple.
It all came out as well. My husband has been married before, which my mum likes to occasionally mention which is like a dagger in the heart. He was young and it lasted 4 months but she still likes to say things like “are you sure he is divorced?” “are you sure his ex-wife isn’t in contact” when we first got together it was “are you sure he’s not secretly still with her?” I explain its hurtful stuff but she passes it off as caring about me and making sure I am ok.

We were going to be away for Christmas on our honeymoon which didn’t go down well. Mum mentioned her and dad would fly out the last week of our honeymoon to meet us. So, we brought the honeymoon forward, landed on xmas eve and spent xmas day with them.
I mentioned I was going to London with my friends [bridesmaids] in the summer to celebrate us all turning 30. We are also seeing a concert. She had a moan at me saying, “you knew I wanted to see that concert” and “you knew I wanted to go to London” she then tried to invite herself onto my trip away with my friends. Then she tried to buy me off by saying “well we can go to London together before then, I’ll pay”.
My husband then said to my mum he would like to take me away for my 30th later in the year. My mums first response was “I’ll come”.
It’s just never ending.
I get made to feel so guilty and awful for basically having a life. I love my mum and I love doing things with her.
It has just been a busy year, hen parties, weddings, 30th birthdays so I have had a lot of events on which I must go too. I went to my friend’s wedding two weeks ago and she asked if I could ask the bride if she could come on the night!!?

She makes me feel I do all sorts with friends and push her away, its simply not the case.
I do things with her as well, we went to London last April and we went abroad for a week last year too as a family, I take her shopping, cinema trips and we go out for tea. My mum always pops into our house as well any time, she meets me for lunch as well on my dinner break but it’s never enough.
I just feel like nothing is good enough.
Now myself and husband are moving to a new house, studying for exams, whilst juggling work. We really haven’t had much time to socialise so I am unsure where she gets all this “you are always out with friends” comment.
We have had another fall out again. This time about myself and husband going to a concert. She wanted tickets but unfortunately, she couldn’t get them and we were lucky enough to get given some. However, it’s my fault she couldn’t get tickets and that we are going.
She made a comment about how I have changed and nasty and pushing her away. Maybe I have changed in some respects but I am concentrating on myself and trying to get through my exams to be perfectly honest but she doesn’t seem to appreciate any of that!
There is a lot more to it but I’ll end with this.
My previous exam I failed twice, and you only have three goes at passing. The first two times I took my mum to where the exam was and she went shopping whilst I sat my exam. Third time, I didn’t tell anyone at all I was even sitting the exam. Not even my husband. It took the pressure off me knowing that people didn’t know and I travelled myself sat the exam and passed!
I rang her straight away, first person I called “mum I took that exam today, I did it I passed!” her reply “why didn’t you take me, I could have gone shopping”

Are there any advice you guys can give me? I mean what one earth, is this normal?

[ContessaIsOnADietDammit]

Agree with 3luckystars. Also be prepared for the "I'm so worried about you, you're not the same, is it DH making you act like this, is he AWFUL darling" etc. Deflect, keep calm and keep doing it. She will start attacking you once she realises it's coming from you and not anyone else.... oh and she'll get ill, very ill. Other family members will get in touch to beg you to be kind to your mother as she's so ill (well those she hasn't alienated already anyway)!!

[Aussiebean]

There will probably be a health scare again soon.

[SavingSpaces2019]

YOU are the one who's enabling her OP.
Cut those apron strings.

[Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda]

This is not normal OP, not normal at all.

Why does she and why do you allow her to encroach on all aspects of YOUR life...joining you in going to concerts, wanting to join you on your honeymoon... Pp are correct, your DH sounds like he has the patience of a saint and will only tolerate this for so long.

You are thirty and need to begin to put firm boundaries in place. You need to stop feeling like you need to keep her happy and also need to look up the term FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Also, maybe looking at getting some therapy to discuss your mother, as I’m sure once the scales of ‘my mother is amazing’ fall from your eyes, you’ll realise how dysfunctional your relationship is.

My mother is somewhat similar. I’m now in my late thirties and I’m very low contact with her, as it got to the point l wouldn’t tolerate her passive/aggression, silent treatment and nastiness over minor disagreements (well her disagreeing with my choice as an adult).

It’s now time to change and you have the amazing support of both your husband and brother.

[75Renarde]

She's a narc. No question. Sorry OP

[Cherrysoup]

Your poor dh. He must be so fed up.

Do you let her do this because the fall out is too hard to cope with? You need serious boundaries in place before you have kids. She’ll want to be at the birth, have the baby immediately, it’ll be a horrible experience for your dh, if not you.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Selfish, selfish lady. She’s pushing you away.

[AllyBamma]

Agree with @savingspaces2019 you are absolutely enabling her by constantly trying to please her. I know she’s your mum and you’ll always love her but this is not a healthy relationship and it has to change. I shudder to think what’s going to happen if you have kids! The thing is, no matter what you do, how much you include her, it will never ever be enough. So stop breaking your neck trying to please her because it’s never going to happen. You need to establish some firm boundaries going forward or this situation is just going to worsen and I wouldn’t be surprised if you DH is getting jack of it all. You don’t want that resentment building up. Prioritise yourself and your new husband. Best of luck!

[MashedSpud]

I have a controlling narc family member. We all tread on eggshells around this person and I have to be careful how much I tell them. This person makes their mother’s life hell if everything isn’t their way.

Cut down contact and limit info so she hasn’t got ammunition to smother your life.

[Stillonly8am]

"Realising what she is like is a big step. It's the first step!"

This. I strongly recommend counselling. Parents like this warp your view of the world and convince you that black is white, so it can take a while to get over that conditioning.

And yes, it gets worse if you have kids. Suddenly, I found that I wasn't allowed to move more than five minutes away from my mother or else I'd get berated for being a selfish, cruel person who shouldn't have had kids.

My mother has also fucked up her relationship with my DB because she insisted on seeing everything my SIL did as a vendetta against her - when DB and DSIL were dating, my mother saw the fact that they met up almost every evening as evidence that DSIL hated her and was trying to "get at" her (instead of just being evidence that DSIL was in love with my DB).

She also had a meltdown when DSIL bought me a clothing voucher for my birthday because it was supposedly an insult to her ("she's getting at me and saying that I don't dress you properly"). I was TWENTY-SIX.

[kidsmakesomuchwashing]

Wow epic post! She needs some hobbies or activities of her own.
God I'm relieved my mum has so many hobbies and activities I could not cope with that.
Think you perhaps need a bit of distance and put some boundaries in place about what is acceptable contact. And stick to it no matter how much crying etc. The fact that you changed your honeymoon to suit her gives her all the ammunition she needs to continue treating you like this. You have to say no. Tell your dad or bro to get her to back off and let you get on with life. Christ I dread to think what she will be like if you have a baby!

[AlwaysCheddar]

You’re mum is not amazing ....maybe amazingly selfish and nasty. Stop telling her what you do. Lay down the law now as when you have kids, she will be an even bigger psycho. She’s vile.

[Aberforthsgoat]

Ah op she may be amazing in some ways but she’s really quite abusive and manipulative in others.
I cannot believe you moved your honeymoon - what did your DH think of that?
Echoing previous posters but you really must think of yourself and your marriage, her sly digs at DH are very telling (about his previous marriage) and designed to get you doubting him. Be prepared for this to get worse if you are brave enough to step away from her a bit.
You desperately need some boundaries.
At the moment, although it’s coming from a good place, you’re completely enabling her and encouraging her because she always gets her way - what she’s doing is working.
Good luck OP, I hope you manage to make some changes, I would really be worried about the strain on my marriage if I were you although it sounds like you have a lovely DH - everyone has a breaking point though!

[60secondfacetimer]

Don't think OP will be coming back.

[user1461609321]

I think that your mother is actually quite jealous of you, and sees you as a best friend rather than daughter

It would appear that due to her social life being quite limited, you have become her lifeline to fun and enjoyment so whenever you do anything without her, she feels betrayed and like she is missing out!

There is an element of your mother living vicariously through you, perhaps she views you as her kind of alter-ego eg the prettier, more fun version of herself and feels like by doing things with you, someone she feels comfortable with, won't judge her and whom she expects unconditional love from, she feels more liberated to travel, attend concerts etc, something she would not ever do alone

She probably resents your husband and friends deep down for taking you away from her!

Perhaps she was a young mother to you and felt that she gave up 'her' life to care for you and now that you are all grown up, she has raised the best friend that she always wanted in her life, which is you!

[Polly1127]

Hi, thanks for all your helpful comments. I have tried to keep my distance the last few days. However mum knows i am due to attend a study day this weekend and she wants to come with me as usual!! She classes it as a day out for herself! i'll sit in a class all morning and she can go round the shops. Then after my class she will want me to carry the bags and do more shopping. I didn't really respond to her request to come with me, normally i wouldnt mind her coming but because of whats gone on recently, i didnt reply.
She then couldn't help herself and made her usual comment "i bet you are taking Julie with you instead" ' one of my friends" insert eye rolling emoji

I'm actually taking no one i told her i am due to travel up alone.

I do think she tries to live her life through me. She met my dad at a young age and missed out i think, but hey that's her issue.

I am trying to put myself first and my husband. I cant help having a life and friends. I do like doing stuff with my mum but when she acts like this, what i can only describe as a crazy jealous girlfriend (weird) it really makes me want to distance myself and not bother at all doing things with her, which is a shame!

I'm just getting to my limit of being told that i have changed and that i have her "dead and buried" already and i treat her like an old woman. I havent changed, i am just 30, with a full time job, studying, husband at home, friends and trying to juggle day to day life! The little quality time i have with my husband or friends, i dont exactly want to be bringing my 60 year old mum along!

Just building myself up to tell her i'll be travelling alone to my study day. I just want to get there and back (currently moving home on top of all this so any spare time i am packing). I just know she'll take it to heart and they'll be another thing that will start her off.

Thanks again, from one tired 30 year old !

P.S i just hope that saying isnt true, that we turn into our mothers!!

[poglets]

I wouldn't respond at all to your mother's request and further jibe about taking a friend instead. Just go to your class without comment and carry on regardless.

You should limit what your mum knows about. Take a break from social media for a few weeks and when you come back have your mum on a limited profile. Take things down from off your fridge to deter snooping. Don't tell her you are going to places so she can't moan or bully her way in. Be a little more reserved around her and don't rise to it. You are carving out time and space for your life and it's not unreasonable.

[isthatabloborwhat]

Tell her that you are a grown-up now.

And grown-ups don't spend all their time with mummy and daddy, they have a life of their own to lead.

[ChuckleBuckles]

"Just building myself up to tell her i'll be travelling alone to my study day"

That is quiet sad really OP, that you have to prepare yourself to speak openly with your own mother over something so trivial. It is not some big fun day out that only she is excluded from, it is a half day of study after a week at work and juggling home life and trying to find some time with your husband, study is draining, can she not understand that it's not an "event".

[Polly1127]

ChuckleBuckles unfortunatley she isn't wired up that way! I can nevr speak freely to her about the way she is. She just twists it to make it sound like shes right and she never says sorry. I think she truly thinks in head head, everyone is against her and she is never in the wrong.

She'll take offence 100% sure of that, if i travel alone. I am just probably going to travel there myself and not say anything to her till its done, so i can avoid the stress! Dont think she appreciates how challenging the exams are either. She never has been the type to see it from the other persons point of view! I dont even think she's ever said sorry to me either.

I did kinda hint i would travel up the night before and stay in a hotel to study before hand and she actually made the comment of "i'll come and just watch tv in the hotel room" clearly didnt get the hint so i guess your comments are right i'll just tell her or i'll just go myself and not tell her anything at all!

I think she is desperate to probably do something with me but that doesnt mean she has to encroach on everything i actually do.

I know i sound pathetic and i know i need to set boundaries. Just breaking the habit isnt it but its long over due. Too bloody tired of the attitude i get, really am!

[Herocomplex]

Look up ‘engulfing narcissist’. And you are allowed to put yourself first, honestly. Good luck.

[H2OH20Everywhere]

You sound like me about ten years ago. My mum hates not being at the centre of my world. When I visit she gets unhappy if I go and see people she disproves of - I ended up losing a great friendship because she fell out with the woman and it made it really difficult for me to go and see her. I remember her admitting, one evening after getting upset that I was going to see this friend for dinner, that she wouldn't care if it was anyone else. She thinks she should come wherever I go, and throws tantrums when I say no.

I ended up not telling her things. So, in your case, I wouldn't mention the concert, or the study days, until after the fact. What your mother doesn't know about she can't plan on gatecrashing. It felt mean at first, but now it's second nature.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

polly

re your comment:-

"She'll take offence 100% sure of that, if i travel alone. I am just probably going to travel there myself and not say anything to her till its done, so i can avoid the stress! Dont think she appreciates how challenging the exams are either. She never has been the type to see it from the other persons point of view! I dont even think she's ever said sorry to me either".

Let her take offence. Such people also never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

There should be no probably in your sentence; you need to travel there alone. Tell her what she now deserves to know i.e. nothing about your life day to day.

Do read about engulfing narcissists; your mother is certainly a narcissist. The website daughters of narcissistic mothers may be helpful to you too. You won't turn into her because you yourself have two qualities she lacks; empathy and insight. Your mother clearly has neither and you are your own person separate from her.

Putting boundaries in place is very difficult here for you also because your mother has never encouraged you to have any. She really does see you as an extension of her. Any boundary you do set her will be vociferously challenged and ignored.

It is really not possible to have a relationship with someone as disordered of thinking as your mother.

[Hadalifeonce]

Please stop telling her what you are doing and when, my sister used to have this, now she says nothing, DM was a bit miffed at first, but got used to it.

[MsTSwift]

My lovely school friend had a mother exactly like this. They have emigrated permanently to Canada.