Clingy mum??! *Help!!*

[Polly1127]

Long post! I’ll try keep it short but I think you need some background!
My mum is an amazing person. If I ever needed her, for anything, she’d be there. She’s really such an amazing help to me and my husband.

That saying, she seems to have issues with other family members, not sure if its anxiety but she seems to think people talk about her and have issues directly about her. I don’t see it and I never have done however, as I have grown up, things have pieced together.

I used to ask my brother, “why does everyone in the family have an issue with mum?” He once said, “you’ll find they don’t have an issue with her, she has an issue with them”

At a funeral, my uncle sat on another table simply because the seat was closer and that to my mum means, ‘they are obviously talking about me because they haven’t sat on our table’. Any social family occasion, we always come away from it and someone has always been “funny” with her. Personally, I don’t see it.

I think she really does take things to heart, over thinks things and simply make things up.

Things really dawned on me when it was the run up to my wedding, which as some will know is already a stressful time.
My mum ruined the whole run up to my wedding. I went to book our nail appointments and I turn up to find that my mum had already booked herself in, didn’t think about me at all. Nails, waxing, whole lot. Which really upset me because I thought we would have done that together and 2 days before my wedding, I went on my own to get my nails done.
I asked my dad if he wanted to do a dad and daughter dance and what song. He sent me the song and it was basically a funeral song. A goodbye to your dad funeral song. FYI my bridesmaid’s dad died 2 months before my wedding and I explained to my mum and dad, the song wasn’t appropriate. I would feel uncomfortable. My mum flipped “you shouldn’t be thinking about your bridesmaid, she won’t be bothered she’ll be fine. Its your day! You have really upset your dad because you don’t like the song and you should just dance to us you have broken his heart”. I mean, it was my day but I have a heart and I love my friend who I have known 28 years! Turned out that was a lie anyway because dad didn’t even originally pick the song in the first place, it was mum! Dad happily picked another.
Then a couple of days before the wedding, the venue said I could go visit just to make sure everything was ok. I said great, invited mum and my bridesmaids to come with me. My mum had already been a few times to the venue but my bridesmaids had never been and obviously super excited. Well, my mum kicked off. Wondered why the bridesmaids were coming, it should be a mother and daughter thing and why are my friends always there. Why do my friends always have me running about and doing things and that “they are just looking out for themselves!”. I have known my friends for 20 years and I can assure you, they are the best friends a girl could ask for! My mums attitude at the venue was disgraceful, my friends asked what was wrong with my mum and I had to explain, she didn’t want them there.
My mums main issue I think is, she has no friends. She relies on my dad and me to do things with her and take her places (even though she drives). She’s not very independent, so when I do things with my friends, it’s a major deal and translates this to pushing her away.

She really shouted at me the day before the wedding screaming at me in the car park about how she’s not been involved and always doing things with my friends and I am pushing her out. It was embarrassing and obviously unnecessary, I was already stressed. I went home and sobbed.
I then phoned my brother and he said she done the exact same thing to him and he said just be prepared for her to ruining your wedding morning. She had loads of involvement in the wedding, but it was never enough.
I calmed down and went around to mums with a list of all the things she was involved in: Brides dress, bridesmaid dresses, venue, food choices, wine choices, photographer, band song choices, flowers, cars, invitations and confetti. However, somehow this wasn’t enough and she still made out it wasn’t quality time! I don’t know any other couple whose parents paid to come and sample the wedding food with the couple.
It all came out as well. My husband has been married before, which my mum likes to occasionally mention which is like a dagger in the heart. He was young and it lasted 4 months but she still likes to say things like “are you sure he is divorced?” “are you sure his ex-wife isn’t in contact” when we first got together it was “are you sure he’s not secretly still with her?” I explain its hurtful stuff but she passes it off as caring about me and making sure I am ok.

We were going to be away for Christmas on our honeymoon which didn’t go down well. Mum mentioned her and dad would fly out the last week of our honeymoon to meet us. So, we brought the honeymoon forward, landed on xmas eve and spent xmas day with them.
I mentioned I was going to London with my friends [bridesmaids] in the summer to celebrate us all turning 30. We are also seeing a concert. She had a moan at me saying, “you knew I wanted to see that concert” and “you knew I wanted to go to London” she then tried to invite herself onto my trip away with my friends. Then she tried to buy me off by saying “well we can go to London together before then, I’ll pay”.
My husband then said to my mum he would like to take me away for my 30th later in the year. My mums first response was “I’ll come”.
It’s just never ending.
I get made to feel so guilty and awful for basically having a life. I love my mum and I love doing things with her.
It has just been a busy year, hen parties, weddings, 30th birthdays so I have had a lot of events on which I must go too. I went to my friend’s wedding two weeks ago and she asked if I could ask the bride if she could come on the night!!?

She makes me feel I do all sorts with friends and push her away, its simply not the case.
I do things with her as well, we went to London last April and we went abroad for a week last year too as a family, I take her shopping, cinema trips and we go out for tea. My mum always pops into our house as well any time, she meets me for lunch as well on my dinner break but it’s never enough.
I just feel like nothing is good enough.
Now myself and husband are moving to a new house, studying for exams, whilst juggling work. We really haven’t had much time to socialise so I am unsure where she gets all this “you are always out with friends” comment.
We have had another fall out again. This time about myself and husband going to a concert. She wanted tickets but unfortunately, she couldn’t get them and we were lucky enough to get given some. However, it’s my fault she couldn’t get tickets and that we are going.
She made a comment about how I have changed and nasty and pushing her away. Maybe I have changed in some respects but I am concentrating on myself and trying to get through my exams to be perfectly honest but she doesn’t seem to appreciate any of that!
There is a lot more to it but I’ll end with this.
My previous exam I failed twice, and you only have three goes at passing. The first two times I took my mum to where the exam was and she went shopping whilst I sat my exam. Third time, I didn’t tell anyone at all I was even sitting the exam. Not even my husband. It took the pressure off me knowing that people didn’t know and I travelled myself sat the exam and passed!
I rang her straight away, first person I called “mum I took that exam today, I did it I passed!” her reply “why didn’t you take me, I could have gone shopping”

Are there any advice you guys can give me? I mean what one earth, is this normal?

[Aussiebean]

First off for your pass! Well done you.

It’s quite telling how her whole argument was about what she wanted and nothing about what you wanted/needed.

You could try saying something along the lines of ‘that maybe what you want, but it’s not what I want/need so I not going to do that’. Then end the conversation.

Just be warned that she may pull a health scare soon. Heart attack, cancer - something nonexistent or minor exaggerated to make you come running and change your ways.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Get your key back.

Start setting boundaries now so that the tantrums are out of the way before you have to deal with all of this when pregnant.

Move as far away as possible!!!!

[Happynow001]

Crossed posted with your update OP. Well done - and keep it up.

Congratulations regarding your exams.

[Happynow001]

Just building myself up to tell her i'll be travelling alone to my study day.
Don't tell her. Leave much earlier than you would normally do, have a relaxing journey and a coffee and something to eat before you officially start your study day in a relaxed mind-frame. Put your phone on silent for the whole day - from the time you leave your home and ignore all her messages.

You do need to toughen up OP. She's already interfering hugely in your home life, stomping on all your (ineffectual - sorry) boundaries. Your husband has taken so much (as have you) but this will cause trouble between you. And this will get MUCH worse when you conceive and gave children.

Get advice from your brother, who has gone through some of this and work with your husband to get her to back off.

Certainly get your keys off her as she's been so disrespectful about your personal time and access to your home. Hopefully she won't have made a copy.
Don't hesitate to change the locks if necessary.

Stop sharing what you are doing with her ahead of events or she will always cling on (really, planning on joining your honeymoon?)

My mum is an amazing person. If I ever needed her, for anything, she’d be there. She’s really such an amazing help to me and my husband.
Re-read your original post - especially this ^^ with the astonished responses you've had in mind. How do you feel now?

I hope you find the strength to pull up the drawbridge. I'm afraid it will be hard, but the situation will not go away without clear and consistent action from you.

Good luck!🌺

[hammeringinmyhead]

Well done! Unfortunately with these types of parents it's very difficult to get them to dial it back to "medium" levels of contact. It can take years of dealing firmly with each incidence at a time. Your other option is a very frank conversation saying she needs to get ger own life but of course you'll get a hysterical response!

[blackcat86]

Congrats on passing the exam. You and your DH are married now and he needs to take precedents over your mum. He should be the first person you call, not your mum. Me and DH both have mums like this in different ways and having a baby has left our marriage on its knees. Both acted appallingly and still do. We are starting couples counselling to agree what our boundaries, how we enforce them, and to gain support as we do because there will be push back. You need to acknowledge that your mums emotions and needs are not your concern. She is an adult. One thing that's worked for us in controlling the flow of information. Both me and DH have been conditioned to tell our parents everything from a young age so that they can pass judgement and tell us what to do..its hard but we've stopped. We get an update on DDs ongoing medical issues, we keep it to ourselves. We get an update from our solicitor about the lawsuit against the hospital, DH desperately wants to tell his mum we talked about it and he realised it was a mistake so we keep it to ourselves. Just stop telling her stuff. She doesn't need to know everything about your life. I would highly recommend toxic parents but Susan forward as reading material for you. There is also a toxic in laws book for your DH.

[Absolutepowercorrupts]

Congratulations on passing your exam, well done 💐🍾
Your mother isn't amazing she's a nightmare. As pp have said she doesn't see you as a person in their own right.
Google Grey Rock and use those techniques to distance yourself from her. You cannot change her behaviour all you can do is change your reactions. Stop telling her about your life,and definitely get the key back from her. Mine was similar and I haven't seen or spoken to her for years and it's great.

[Myoldtable]

Just to add another very well done on passing the exam and also standing up to yr Mum. It is hard but keep sticking to yr guns, you are doing so well

[RandomMess]

Congratulations on passing 🥳

You have really shifted in your mindset. You are correct there is no point wasting your energy explaining or engaging with her as it makes no difference!

Carry on as you are learn a few statements "shame you feel like it", "oh ok", "perhaps you should make some friends and stop relying on me".

Then ignore, ignore, ignore....

[ChuckleBuckles]

Well done on the exams OP, I am thrilled for you. it is tough going working and studying and you nailed it!

Also well done on standing firm with your mother, please do not back down now and enjoy your free time in the way you want without any guilt from her.

[ohfourfoxache]

Now that you’ve taken those precious first steps, the important thing now is to not back down.

It’s like dealing with a toddler - you can’t give in

[Moneybegreen]

The can go on and on and on about what SHE wanted and SHE wanted to go shopping etc...

Interrupt her and say what about what YOU want? Do your wants and feelings never matter? It's not all about her. This was an important day to you, and you wanted the time and space to be alone. She cannot expect to be put above all other priorities on every single occasion. By doing this she is pushing you away herself because you feel unable to let her in on what is going on in your life in case she bulldozes it and makes it about her.

[Polly1127]

Hi back again, so…I put my foot down, nicely.

I texted mum to say I was going on my own to my study day and to sit my exam. I explained it was something I needed to do, go there and come back. It wasn’t a day out and that we can organise something another time. She kicked up a fuss about how she can get what she wants, blah blah but I stuck to my guns. I sensed I would fail and I didn’t want to hang about on a shopping trip.

I went on my own, calm, studied on the way and….I passed by 2 marks! I texted her first to tell her (it was a shock to me) her reply,
“congratulations and I could have been there”. I explained it’s not a day out and I needed to come do it on my own. Her response “well I could have got what I wanted whilst you sat the exam. never mind”

So, I gave up! Distanced myself from her since, not told her what plans i had and she’s picked up on it. My husband popped round to see my dad the other night to ask him something and she asked him where I was, I was out with tea with a friend.

Anyway, she has rang saying I made her feel awful that I didn’t want her there and she could have gone shopping whilst I sat my exam and got what she wanted! I have also made out that I might not have passed the exam if she came with me (I wanted to say DUR at this stage). I dont understand her, never get what she means. I am always busy doing things with friends and it could have been quality time together. I make time for everyone else but her. Then she asked why I seen my friend the other night for tea (I haven’t seen this friend since March but I resisted and didn’t bite).

I just let her rant now and not really reply because we get nowhere. I could explain myself time and time again but we go around in circles because she’s never wrong. She then said i never talk now and just sit there quiet. (its because i am tired of it all and its same old same old). Anyway, terrible daughter, pushing her away and I hardly see her, which is odd because I saw her on Monday, she then popped round last night but me and the husband where out.

I have limited what I tell her now, which must be hard for her because it is a change but I am trying my hardest to do what I want and keep myself happy and enjoy life.

I do think she needs professional help though and the more she acts like this, the less I want to do with her and the less time i want to spend with her, because it wont be enjoyable because she'll have a moan as it's never enough...so whats the point!

[Aussiebean]

She is also making you 100% responsible for her happiness. Which is horrible for you.

[Aussiebean]

I find it interesting that she says you treat her like an old woman. She really doesn’t see herself as a mother to an adult daughter. She see you as an extension of her and when you dispute that she goes off.

Have you tried saying that seeing her then doesn’t work but how about you book in a shopping trip at a best time for you?

May not work or you have tried it but worth a go if not.

If you and dh want children, you need to establish the boundaries now. If not she will take over the pregnancy and the baby will be ‘her baby’

[mbosnz]

Please let your mother take offence. Hopefully she'll pull the 'I'm not speaking to your until you apologise' routine. Having been there, I can assure you, it's amazingly peaceful.

Your post really resonated with me. 48 hours after giving birth, I was driving my mother to the haberdashery so she could get some fabric and yarn (me paying) to make things for the baby. I didn't, of course, get any say in what yarn or fabric.

Someone mentioned emigration. Mum and I get on better when we're not in the same city. Best, when I'm not in the same hemisphere. Radical, but very effective!

[MsTSwift]

My lovely school friend had a mother exactly like this. They have emigrated permanently to Canada.

[Hadalifeonce]

Please stop telling her what you are doing and when, my sister used to have this, now she says nothing, DM was a bit miffed at first, but got used to it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

polly

re your comment:-

"She'll take offence 100% sure of that, if i travel alone. I am just probably going to travel there myself and not say anything to her till its done, so i can avoid the stress! Dont think she appreciates how challenging the exams are either. She never has been the type to see it from the other persons point of view! I dont even think she's ever said sorry to me either".

Let her take offence. Such people also never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

There should be no probably in your sentence; you need to travel there alone. Tell her what she now deserves to know i.e. nothing about your life day to day.

Do read about engulfing narcissists; your mother is certainly a narcissist. The website daughters of narcissistic mothers may be helpful to you too. You won't turn into her because you yourself have two qualities she lacks; empathy and insight. Your mother clearly has neither and you are your own person separate from her.

Putting boundaries in place is very difficult here for you also because your mother has never encouraged you to have any. She really does see you as an extension of her. Any boundary you do set her will be vociferously challenged and ignored.

It is really not possible to have a relationship with someone as disordered of thinking as your mother.

[H2OH20Everywhere]

You sound like me about ten years ago. My mum hates not being at the centre of my world. When I visit she gets unhappy if I go and see people she disproves of - I ended up losing a great friendship because she fell out with the woman and it made it really difficult for me to go and see her. I remember her admitting, one evening after getting upset that I was going to see this friend for dinner, that she wouldn't care if it was anyone else. She thinks she should come wherever I go, and throws tantrums when I say no.

I ended up not telling her things. So, in your case, I wouldn't mention the concert, or the study days, until after the fact. What your mother doesn't know about she can't plan on gatecrashing. It felt mean at first, but now it's second nature.

[Herocomplex]

Look up ‘engulfing narcissist’. And you are allowed to put yourself first, honestly. Good luck.

[Polly1127]

ChuckleBuckles unfortunatley she isn't wired up that way! I can nevr speak freely to her about the way she is. She just twists it to make it sound like shes right and she never says sorry. I think she truly thinks in head head, everyone is against her and she is never in the wrong.

She'll take offence 100% sure of that, if i travel alone. I am just probably going to travel there myself and not say anything to her till its done, so i can avoid the stress! Dont think she appreciates how challenging the exams are either. She never has been the type to see it from the other persons point of view! I dont even think she's ever said sorry to me either.

I did kinda hint i would travel up the night before and stay in a hotel to study before hand and she actually made the comment of "i'll come and just watch tv in the hotel room" clearly didnt get the hint so i guess your comments are right i'll just tell her or i'll just go myself and not tell her anything at all!

I think she is desperate to probably do something with me but that doesnt mean she has to encroach on everything i actually do.

I know i sound pathetic and i know i need to set boundaries. Just breaking the habit isnt it but its long over due. Too bloody tired of the attitude i get, really am!

[ChuckleBuckles]

"Just building myself up to tell her i'll be travelling alone to my study day"

That is quiet sad really OP, that you have to prepare yourself to speak openly with your own mother over something so trivial. It is not some big fun day out that only she is excluded from, it is a half day of study after a week at work and juggling home life and trying to find some time with your husband, study is draining, can she not understand that it's not an "event".

[isthatabloborwhat]

Tell her that you are a grown-up now.

And grown-ups don't spend all their time with mummy and daddy, they have a life of their own to lead.

[poglets]

I wouldn't respond at all to your mother's request and further jibe about taking a friend instead. Just go to your class without comment and carry on regardless.

You should limit what your mum knows about. Take a break from social media for a few weeks and when you come back have your mum on a limited profile. Take things down from off your fridge to deter snooping. Don't tell her you are going to places so she can't moan or bully her way in. Be a little more reserved around her and don't rise to it. You are carving out time and space for your life and it's not unreasonable.