What constitutes an emotional affair

[markersmark]

Where is the line thy crosses from friendship into emotional affair territory ??

Anyone? I think i might be in a grey area unwittingly but don't want to destroy a perfectly good friendship if I'm overthinking

An intense friendship where you both openly fancy each other and going out of your way to spend time together knowing this?

Do you get butterflies when he texts?
When a friend text you don't normally get those...

I think its as simple as – is there anything here – actions or messages – that I wouldn’t want my DP to see / be aware of
If there is, you’re in dodgy territory.

I'd be grateful
For your patience when I try to make sense of this please . Thanks for responding . I don't feel butterflies as such. Perhaps a bit excited . We work together all day and he initiated evening texting nearly every day including weekends and holidays . Chat is light and heavy. Jokes , funnies and then serious chats . Remarks on personal physical characteristics and personality. He and I are on relationships

I don't know if he fancies me but he does say nice things about my appearance

If you're hiding things from your partner then you're firmly in EA territory.

if you are telling him stuff you don’t tell your partner and keeping the texts secret . Be wary

Would you be happy for your dh to read all the messages?
Would dh be happy about them?

I'm Really not hiding anything . The only thing I wouldn't discuss with my partner is my friends private affairs . Sometimes though he will say something that could be misconstrued as being full on but knowing him, I believed him to be kind with compliments . To give an example , he has said on a few occasions... wow you look fantastic lately , you look slim and healthy ( I have lost a bit of weight) you look years younger etc etc . He referred to my ass recently also , just about how it has got smaller. That kind of thing .

This is the thing... I often wonder if he is gay and if he is just being observant and kind. He seems very in touch with his feminine side and will often pass remarks that wouldnt be considered typically masculine .i have known him for years and openly has told me that he doesn't enjoy a physical
Relationship with girlfriends but can perform because he feels under pressure . He does find women attractive though??? I can't figure it out

Take a read of this. If you identify with the points honestly, then you are having an emotional affair.

www.relate.org.uk/blog/2015/7/28/whats-emotional-affair

EA, sorry op. Texting every night is excessive and you know that really. I would back right off.

I have pulled away but I find that when i do he increases contact and that's hard because we work together

If he was a friend you wouldn’t be asking these questions. I don’t feel compelled to question if I am having an affair with any of my friends.

His sexuality is not the issue as an emotional affair doesn’t need to be sexual.

The fact you are not secretive and would share the conversations doesn’t mean it is appropriate. It is how you feel when you converse. But you are clearly involved enough to discuss your sex lives or his at least. That’s close and very close for a man and a woman.

Check your boundaries and don’t rely on your partner or this man to do it for you. I would not be that available for a friend. I would not be that available for a boyfriend.

At best you have a person who gets too close too quick. These people usually turn out to be a bit of a pain or a nightmare.

I have pulled away but I find that when i do he increases contact and that's hard because we work together

Well, that's his problem, isn't it? Work on your boundaries, for heaven's sake. Do you write his laborious compliments to his ass? Or to any other male colleagues? How on earth would they respond if you did.

He sounds like a right sleazebucket. I have close male friends, and as a pp says, I never have to ask myself if I'm accidentally having an emotional affair with them.

He says these things in a totally innocuous way . Innocent almost . He is becoming a tad painful. He text me last week to say he felt that I was becoming distant but he didn't Take It Personally as he knows my head was busy . I apologised for being distant which was stupid of me because I didn't want to hurt his feelings .

There's nothing 'innocuous' about sending a colleague text messages about the size of her ass. Just tell him you're tired of his endless messages and to back off, and you'll see him at work. And block him if he persists.

He didn't text me that , he passed a comment to me just saying .. your ass has just shrunk or something equally bizarre. He said not being sleazy or anything but.....and then he makes the comment

As you know, OP, a classic racist remark opener is 'Not being racist, but...[racist remark].'

Saying 'I'm not being sleazy, but...' and then remarking on your ass does not make it any less sleazy.

When he says something like this, what do you respond? Is he under the impression you're dying for his remarkable compliments and receiving them with glee?

If it feels wrong then it is wrong.

If you wouldn't be comfortable with your partner seeing the messages it's wrong.

If you wouldn't be comfortable with his partner seeing the messages it's wrong.

If you would be upset to see your partner having the same conversations with someone else it's wrong.

Not being sleazy = I am just about to say something sleazy but you aren't allowed to call it sleazy because I just said it isn't.

Don't get caught up in something potentially damaging to your relationship.

Whether it’s an EA or not, it sounds a bit intense. Everyday, including weekends and holidays.

Are you happy with this level of contact? Does your dp comment on the frequency of texts? What happens if you don’t reply?

It’s okay to have a friendship with lots of communication, providing both parties agree to the level of contact etc.

Well how would you feel if you read these texts on your boyfriends phone

I think you know you’re taking the piss out of your partners here

If a man was texting me about my arse I would shoot that shit down so fast

Why aren’t you

Truthfully I do Find it intense and I find that when I don't respond or when I limit my interactions with him in person or on text, he pursues the friendship more . When he passes remark s on me o respond with a factual
Comment eg do you think so? Or in jest o will say.. you're such a weirdo ! Etc . I have no idea whether he fancies me or not . The way he says these things are like.. I am just making some observations here...

But he speaks about body parts in a very general way . He speaks about hands the same way as he speaks about bums . I think if he felt attracted to me he certainly wouldnt be commenting on my bum ! It is too intense though and I do get somewhat overwhelmed with it all