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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband says I cause all the arguments

29 replies

velvetteddy30 · 23/05/2019 08:22

Last night I was in bed with my husband and leaned in for a cuddle. Within seconds he jumped up as he suddenly remembered he'd left something in his case (he'd been away). I usually make a joke about it but this happens frequently when I go to cuddle him there's always something he suddenly remembers he needs to do. Even when we have sex he has to jump up straight away can never just lie in the moment with me.
Last night I decided to bring it up so I said hey is everything ok and he asks what do I mean. I proceeded to say how sometimes I feel when I go in for a cuddle or when we chat you can never sit still there's always something you think of that needs doing straight away.
Somehow this escalated with him saying to me I'm annoyed at you for asking me that. At this point he had his back to me and I was like can you at least look at me when you're talking to me and he's was like no I'm comfier this way. I don't know whether it's because I'm on maternity leave have 3 small children and was feeling neglected but I started crying and this became an issue for him as he then said I don't know what you're crying for. This morning he's still ignoring me but saying that I didn't initiate conversation. I told him when he gets home we are going to talk and he tells me you don't tell me what to do you're not my mum.
A few weeks ago we had another row and we didn't talk for 4 days aside from anything to do with the kids. He goes to work before the kids get up and only get home as they're going to bed so they wouldn't have noticed. I told him it makes me sad when we don't talk as generally it can be sorted out by talking but I recognize we are both stubborn. His response was it doesn't bother him us not talking. He always says stuff like you caused this to me. All I did was ask him was he ok.

OP posts:
NeatFreakMama · 23/05/2019 08:26

That sounds really hurtful and a bit lonely for you. I'm sorry, it does sound like you need to push for this chat.

SMellisa · 23/05/2019 08:29

At least you bring him up on it, don't settle for that... especially when you are trying to 'come on' to him that can knock your confidence. My partner is slightly the same but in public and it's upsetting. I wonder if it's a 'man' thing, they get awkward etc ... but he definitely shouldn't with you. Have a chat with him x

Windygate · 23/05/2019 08:41

You need to brace yourself, sounds like that for him the relationship is over. I wonder if he has a guilty conscience and hence the urgent need to get up after sex etc

velvetteddy30 · 23/05/2019 08:46

@Windygate I did ask him that before and he said if he wanted to leave he'd leave and he says he looks forward to coming home to us and if that ever stopped he'd tell us.

OP posts:
saveusernameplease · 23/05/2019 08:50

He sounds cruel and like there's something else going on. Sorry you're going trough this OP. I couldn't stay with someone who talked to me like that

Singlenotsingle · 23/05/2019 08:58

It doesn't sound quite right somehow. Has he always been like this, or is it just recent? Does he instigate sex, and does he start with a cuddle? (My dp loves a cuddle, even if it's not an option to take it further). I hate to say it, and I know it's a thing with MNers, but is there an OW? Confused

RestingBitchFaced · 23/05/2019 08:59

He sounds horrible! Don't think he cares much, judging from his actions. Sorry OP, you deserve better

velvetteddy30 · 23/05/2019 09:35

@Singlenotsingle yes he does initiate sex. We still do have sex 1/2 a week most weeks and he's great around the house. When he comes home from work he get stuck in with what needs doing. I know he suffers with claustrophobia so doesn't like been smothered but this was literally just me resting my head on his shoulder. I know life is busy and there's always something that needs doing but we were in bed watching tv chilling out for the evening.

OP posts:
velvetteddy30 · 23/05/2019 12:54

Thank you for all your comments. I have booked a marriage counseling session for next week after sitting on this for a while and scared to make that call. Last night pushed me over the edge and I can't live with someone who wants respect but doesn't actually know how to show it himself. Im not sure if any good will come of it but I'd rather do this than walk away from my marriage without trying anything. I still love him but I don't like how we communicate.

OP posts:
SupaNintendoChalmers · 23/05/2019 12:57

Urch! Stonewalling! I can't stand being stonewalled which sounds like it's exactly what he's doing.
Has he always dealt with conflict or attempts to talk about feelings etc by shutting down or has this developed over time?

SavingSpaces2019 · 23/05/2019 13:20

so he wants sex only - not the affection that goes with it or as part of being in a 'loving' relatinshiop.

he says he looks forward to coming home to us and yet he doe4sn't actually spend any time with the kids or parenting them because he's at 'work'.

The moment you try and discuss your feelings and needs with him he shuts you down, gaslights you and turns it back on you.
he said if he wanted to leave he'd leave
Yea right - and go where? with what money?
You think he's going to choose to leave when he's got it cushy living with you - sex on tap, cook, cleaner, childminder and housekeeper all for free.
He only has a cushy life because you make it so.
He knows full well what he's got to lose materially and financially if he leaves.

Personally, it sounds to me like his affections are actually elsewhere and he's just stringing you along for the sake of a relatively cheaper and easier life.
I bet he changes his tune quick when/if the OW is ready to take him in.....

He's full of bullshit.
He knows how to talk the talk but he chooses not to walk the walk.

PicsInRed · 23/05/2019 13:29

OW was my first thought too.
2nd thought = emotionally abusive douchbag.
Why not both?

So sorry OP. Flowers

TeaForTheWin · 23/05/2019 13:37

Re-cap:

  • Often rejects affection
  • Is dismissive of your feelings and generally, doesn't care.
  • Turns rational convos into arguments - where you are the bad guy.
  • Makes out that you are problematic for simply wanting to be heard
  • Gives you silent treatment like a petulant child.
  • Blames you for his shit behaviour
  • Makes it clear he 'doesn't care' that you two are arguing and you are hurting (obviously - because he wants you to be upset-hense the silent treatment).

Definitely agree this sounds like emotional abuse. And I hate to tell you but marriage counceling will do sod all to fix that.

Here is the clincher - People are supposed to care about the feelings of people they love and if you say 'I am hurt because you did...' they should LISTEN and want to RESOLVE the issue. Not turn it round on you and make you feel over dramatic/stupid/clingy/bad ect… that shit is not normal, or fixable.

Mac47 · 23/05/2019 14:20

It may be that he genuinely does feel claustrophobic with the closeness. One of my pet hates is 'cuddling' - it's boring and makes me feel itchy, so I'm exactly the same on that score, I just count the seconds until I can escape.

EKGEMS · 23/05/2019 14:37

I'm glad to hear you are taking action and not being a doormat unlike a lot of posters on here. He's cruel and to continue the silent treatment for days is juvenile and asinine

EKGEMS · 23/05/2019 14:37

I'm claustrophobic but cuddling isn't an issue but I know we are all unique

LemonTT · 23/05/2019 14:58

Well I am not a mad keen cuddles. The ideal is great but I don’t like them plus DP is a fidget so i never relax. My point being I don’t react to his loving gesture like a scalded cat. I doubt he even notices. If it was too much I would say something before behaving like your DH

I’m with the checking out theory. Especially given his comment that he will let you know when he doesn’t want to come home. He’s thought about it. At this point the balance tips in favour of staying. The children, financial security and fear of change will see to that. It doesn’t sound like you two have a great relationship and he doesn’t really care about it. Like he said things are fine otherwise enough to come home and play happy families, have sex. Just not communicate with you. He doesn’t want or like to communicate with you.

Can’t see him going to counselling if he doesn’t even want to speak to you at the moment. There’s a distinct pattern of you reaching out and him retreating. It is escalating and his reaction will be in proportion to the way you reach out. You have upped the ante again, so expect him to respond even more dramatically.

velvetteddy30 · 23/05/2019 15:52

This probably sounds like a silly question but can I ask what are my options if he doesn't go to counseling with me? Is that the end of the marriage. I know he won't react well so an ultimatum so I'm going to phrase it that I am going and I would like him to go too. Thanks

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 23/05/2019 19:02

Well you have to ask yourself do you think you will be happy living with him for the rest of your lives together? You say you love him BUT does HE love you?

LemonTT · 23/05/2019 19:39

It’s very hard to advise you OP. I don’t know him or you. You describe a bad argument but there must be more context or to better understand your dynamics. You are asking him if he is happy and there must be a reason for this.

You are clearly not happy with his response to you, but has it always been this way. If so, then he is a stonewaller. Just as likely to stonewall going to therapy as everything else.

Trying to see this POV things have gone from you asking is he ok to you booking an appointment to see a counsellor overnight. If he thinks things are ok this is a big escalation. But in reality he may know things are not ok but he doesn’t want to talk to you. At least not yet and you keep demanding that he does. So stop pushing...

The harder you push for an answer the faster and further he retreats. So basically you are stuck. Let him calm down and climb down his ladder. But honestly I don’t know why he is up there and why he stays there for 4 days.

milksoffagain · 23/05/2019 20:27

How old is he? I am concerned that he equates your 'telling' him what to do = being his mum. My H went through a horrendous MLC and it needs careful handling if that is the issue here. Sorry OP. Has he changed a lot over the last year or so?

TeaForTheWin · 25/05/2019 19:16

I know he won't react well so an ultimatum so I'm going to phrase it that I am going and I would like him to go too. Thanks

''This clearly isn't making EITHER of us happy is it?''. Trying to make it seem like it isn't a good thing for HIM to stay with you may make it easier to get him to leave. Or if you can get him to think it is his idea to call things off, even better. I dunno how you'd go about that though :/

TeaForTheWin · 25/05/2019 19:19

Or wait...did you mean 'go' as in go to therapy?

I wouldn't say 'im going to therapy' it basically just like saying to him i'm the one with the issue'. But you aren't. At best it is mutual. But it seems he thinks you are the one with the problem and if you go to therapy alone its like he has convinced you of that.

velvetteddy30 · 27/05/2019 11:01

Thanks everyone he is refusing to go but has said if I do two sessions alone he'll go. He doesn't think things are that bad. We did have a lovely weekend but I'm also aware he could be trying to convince me to cancel the session.

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 27/05/2019 11:07

Hi @velvetteddy30, I think you should go to the counselling on your own. It might help you figure out in your own head what you want and how you want to proceed. It is never a good idea to go to counselling with an abuser - even if that person is an emotional abuser.

I also don't understand how he can say he loves coming home to his family when his DC are already in bed and he ignores you. Seems he likes the idea of family but not the reality.

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