Do you think some people are just not ever meant to have a happily ever after?

[ItsJustMyOpinion789]

First off just want to state I'm not looking for pity, just wondering if anybody else agrees.
I'm 30, 2 children, 2 previous long term relationships but I just can't ever see myself getting married or having that happily ever after. Thought I was happy in one of my long relationships but realised when it was over that I was only telling myself I was happy because I didn't want the relationship to fail.
Several female members of my family have been hurt badly by men and my own dad left when I was young, I feel like this contributes to my negative outlook on a happy relationship/family.
I'm independent, have been single (aside from brief flings/sex) for about 4 years and have no plans to ever meet another man, I know people say 30 is young and I've got plenty of time to meet someone but I just don't see meeting someone in my future and I can't imagine anyone wanting to spend the rest of their lives with me, marriage etc. Perhaps for some people they are just destined to be on their own forever?

I don’t believe in fate / destiny / whatever you want to call it, so personally I can’t agree with your post. I recognise that some people don’t end up having one long happy relationship, but I don’t think that means it’s not in their destiny. I believe we all have some control over our own future (although of course there’s a certain amount of luck involved too), whereas saying ‘it’s not meant to be’ implies that things just happen to us and we are powerless to change them.

I sort of feel the same way as you OP. My dad also left when I was young and I have been NC since I was 11. I have had a long term relationship which resulted in DS but have been single for 5 years now. I am nearly 29.

I tend to go for toxic, emotionally unavailable men and I can't seem to stop this pattern. I don't trust men because of my issues with my father. Can't afford counselling so I've decided that I'm better off alone.

I also don't believe in destiny nor the concept of 'the one'. In my experience people who very much want to be in a relationship usually find a way to make it happen, even if that involves compromise or lowering their sights.
However it's a fact of life that some people me do remain single and that can be a different type of happy ever after, being partnered up really isn't the be all and end all.

Yep me! I'm 50, a single mum to 3 children, work full time and I think I will never have a happy ever after. At times I feel fine, at other times I feel so low and lonely. I need to have a more positive mindset I think.

I think everyone can have a happily ever after, but I think it’ll mean different things to different people. Some people are happier & better off single & that’s their happily ever after.

I believe that if people have bad relationships modelled to them in childhood, it's unlikely they'll form good relationships unless they try to break the patterns established by the bad parental relationships, through counselling or similar.

Also, the situations people end up in are usually a result of an element of choice, so in those two senses, I don't really believe in fate or destiny.

I'm older than you OP and divorced, and really happy not to have anyone in my life, not looking for anyone, and it isn't a terrible prospect for me that there may never be anyone in my life again. I feel I'm my best self alone, and if I'd known that from the start, I would have made different choices.

I think society needs to stop seeing shitty relationships as being somehow better than being a single, fulfilled, active independent person with a good work-life balance and good friend groups.

I was a single mum for 6 years and I'd had on and off boyfriends. None that's met my son. Just fun I guess.
I met my how husband at a running club and we just fell for each other. Never felt anything like it.
Within 2 weeks had moved in and by 5 months we were married. Very happy still years down line.
If anyone else told me this I'd think they desperate or just bonkers but we just work.

'Bitch' - don't discount counselling. I know that it can be expensive but it's worth exploring. The marvellous NHS Tavistock for example has low cost or free counselling you might look at. If you go through your doctor he or she could recommend some NHS ones. I don't know your situation of course but I've spent a year undergoing trauma counselling and so much other family stuff about my relationships with men came out. It's not a magic fix but you slowly develop the tools to approach relationships differently. Just realising - properly realising that it's not that toxic men are 'attracted' to you, it's that you choose them, puts you in a position of strength.

And while I had psychoanalysis, you can also get CBT which gives you the tools to deal with issues NOW rather than delving into your childhood.

There's nothing wrong with being on your own if you want to be but if you want to be in a relationship it's so worth looking into why these patterns have been ingrained into you. Because they can be changed.

xx

I'm wondering this too. Single mum. Two lovely dcs, but one with ASD diagnosis and one with neurological disorder. I'm knackered and stressed and can't see that changing in the next decade, by which time I'll be nearly 60. And if I feel burnt out and grumpy now, F knows what I'll be like then!

I dont believe in fate, like some other people above, so wouldnt agree on that basis.

Also dont really believe in "happily ever afters". Some people live a charmed existence but most people dont. Long relationships can be desperately unhappy behind closed doors. People may have to make big sacrifices for relationships (careers, kids, passions). People can have happy long relationship but have otherwise shit personal lives (no friends, difficult family, poor MH, unemployment- list is endless). The grass might seem greener but most people have an area of their lives which they unfulfilled in. For some people thats relationships. But its difficult to get everything in order.

Youre single now. But you may well be alive for 50+ more years. And you have DC so are in a better position to be "fussy" than others a similar age.

I don't believe that everyone gets a 'happily ever after', but I certainly don't believe that's because they weren't meant to have one. It's just the luck of the draw. Doesn't mean you won't get yours, OP.

Some people live a charmed existence but most people dont. Long relationships can be desperately unhappy behind closed doors. People may have to make big sacrifices for relationships (careers, kids, passions). People can have happy long relationship but have otherwise shit personal lives (no friends, difficult family, poor MH, unemployment- list is endless). The grass might seem greener but most people have an area of their lives which they unfulfilled in. For some people thats relationships. But its difficult to get everything in order.

That in spades, I have seen more miserable married people than miserable single parents.

I don’t believe in happily ever afters, after 3 long term relationships, I am taking my fourth one one day at a time. It works beautifully now, the future will take care of itself.

I'm 45 and have only ever had one LTR.

The way he ended things destroyed me and I'm pretty much resigned to being single the rest of my life now. I'm the only person I can trust not to hurt me.

(This time a couple of years ago I was blissfully unaware and assuming we were growing old together.)

(And I am a softie romantic too. I love the idea of being happily coupled up and look at old couples celebrating silver and golden anniversaries with envy. I just can't trust anyone now, it's shit)

I think true happiness is found in being content in yourself and not relying on someone else for your own state of happiness.

As PPs stated many people have a lot of baggage in their life & might appear to be happy & in a long term relationship but appearances can be very deceptive.

Not all couples who reach silver & golden wedding anniversaries are blissfully coupled up (speaking from personal experience ).

The ones I know/knew were.

The idea of "happily ever after" belongs only in the realm of fairy tales.

Happily ever after doesnt exist. It doesnt. Life happens. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard, not all relationships survive. Those that do recognise that there is no such thing as happily ever after, just love, respect and work.

I'm not convinced that "happily ever after" has to involve being with someone else. What about being happily ever after on your own ?

I think some of the posters on here might benefit from the Freedom Programme.

I ended up never having another serious relationship after my dd was born, but I neither wrote off the possibility nor spent my time looking for one.

But the Freedom Programme wasn't around when I needed it. I think if I'd been able to take that I might have been more open to meeting someone new.

The thing that stands out for me in the OPs post is that Happy Ever After means life will be better once the white knight comes along.

Don’t rely on white knights because they don’t exist. Happinesses is a state of mind that is within your control for the most part. Not totally because your life will have grief and sadness in it.

I love my DP but my happiness and resilience come from the fact that I am solvent, have a good career and have my own security for now and into the future. I don’t know if I would have all those things if I had settled for a “white Knight” who offered a fairy tale marriage.

I used to believe that there was a happily ever after and maybe there is I just think that perhaps not for me (like others not looking for pity just stating a fact).

I'm nearly 37, never been married, no biological children. I'm currently in a relationship and have 3 step children who I love dearly (only yesterday my stepson whose 13 said that as a parent I get 10/10), however the actual relationship is pretty toxic. Thank fully the children don't pick up on any of it but whenever my OH has low self esteem and constantly thinks I'll leave so ends up chatting to other women etc. So I really don't think this will be a happy ever after yet I stay because the kids have had no stability until me, I love them to bits and despite his flaws I love him.

I feel this. I'm 35 and I did think this time it was gonna work out but instead my ex left me with a 6month old. Love my baby to pieces and wouldn't change for the world. I don't think an happily ever after is meant for me though.
To be honest it's sad but I've previously spent 6 years on my own (might have had a fling somewhere in there) So I know I'm ok by myself.

@Birdie6 I think you are right and the whole happily ever after concept shouldn't just mean having to have a partner to be happy. I think it's just assumed that people who choose to be single can't ever be as happy as those in relationships.
My children make me far happier than a man ever has done, but I also can't help looking at others who are married or been together a long time and wondering what that must feel like.
Maybe the fact that I've resigned myself to thinking there's no man out there for me is preventing me from actually ever meeting anyone. Can't expect the love of my life to just come knocking on my door one day can I? Lol.