Had a massive fallout with the MIL that is apparently my fault

[MaitlandGirl]

On Friday night DW, MIL, FIL, BIL, DWs Aunt and 2 of my children were supposed to be going to a fundraiser trivia night. I was checking the address on google maps and discovered it’s in a church hall - no problem with that, even though DW and I aren’t religious.

I googled the name of the church and found out one of their beliefs is that same sex marriage is an abomination and that the members of the congregation are required to sign a document casting out members of their family/ friendship groups that are gay.

Obviously this was concerning as DW and I are both female. Not really the sort of place I want to hang out or would feel comfortable in. (Not just for our sakes but because it felt disrespectful to the church to be in their hall). Then I found out that the fundraiser wasn’t just for the purpose I’d be told about but was a joint fundraiser for the church AND the purpose I knew about.

So DW contacted her mum and told her that we weren’t going (me, DW and the 2 kids) - there’s no way in hell I’m giving them my $$.

Apparently I’ve ruined a perfectly nice family evening by not being prepared to pretend I’m straight, and getting upset about something that doesn’t even matter and isn’t important.

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever felt so disrespected but according to my MIL I’m overreacting.

I really don’t think this is salvageable.

Because she'd be perfectly happy pretending to by gay if the roles were reversed? No? Didn't think so some how.

Obviously YANBU.

Was there not a ‘we’ll sit this one out, thanks, you go on and have a nice evening “ response that was possible?

I would just say “oh come on Mum you can’t expect us to fundraiser for people who would obliterate us. Find an alternative quiz night and we’ll all be there “. Then the responsibility for continued animosity is hers.

It's not here is it?

www.pressandjournal.co.uk/fp/news/aberdeenshire/1656811/aberdeenshire-church-to-break-away-amid-gay-marriage-row/

I know lots of licals boycott it now due to issue prior to that I attended occasions there and supported the cafe but never again

I wouldnt even bother to engage with them over it, just laugh at them and get on with your life

What church is it?

Honestly you wouldn’t have given a shiny shit about disrespecting the church by going there.

What church is it again?

We’re in Australia, hence the $$s.

Initially we thought the trivia night was in a pub (as they usually are) and were led to believe that the lady organising it was Sharon A (who we like and have a great time with). Turns out it’s actually Sharon B who’s a member of this church (that I won’t name as it’s a very small church and will negatively affect the cause that I thought I was fundraising for. Sharon B is personally connected to this cause and is one that I fully support. This isn’t MILs church and she has no contact with the church apart from through her friend.

MIL doesn’t have many friends and she’s recently met Sharon B and is trying to impress her - she’s spent far too much money buying donations for a silent auction etc. She has a long track record of getting involved in things for the kudos but not caring about the bigger picture of how it affects other people (usually DW).

MIL doesn’t understand why I have a problem with the fundraiser as I tend to keep religion and politics to myself and am still good friends with people who voted ‘No’ in the Same Sex Marriage Referendum and I don’t attend Pride marches. One of her messages was full of complaints about how she now has to think of an excuse for why we’re not attending as she can’t say DW or I are unwell as that doesn’t explain why the rest of us aren’t attending

DW isn’t at all surprised by her mums behaviour and sees this as yet another example of how she’s not a priority in her life and how not upsetting other people is more important that she is.

Thought you were in OZ by your name.

Just say, sorry it's against our beliefs to raise funds for a church that doesn't believe in our way of life.

What church is it again?

Female OP said she's not naming the church.

MIL is bonkers, isn't she? How does she imagine her friendship with Sharon B is going to pan out? "Ah, Shazza, this is my DD and her, er, DFlatmate, with some children they found. They're definitely not a couple so no need to cast them out, eh!"

She is asking you to lie, just quote thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbour, Lying is a massive sin in Christianity and she is asking you to break the ninth commandment.

She sounds like someone who wants to be seen to do good a bit all for public show. Enjoy your evening with your wife and dc. As an aside I am gaming with two of my Australian online mates later today and they are fab people, love that Aussie humour.

Might be time to start planning all the great stuff that you can do instead of wasting time on your ILs. Birthday and Christmas obligatory meal with awkward but civilised conversation and don't bother with anything else for the rest of the year.

Just be quietly resolute and let mil get on with it. It's her problem. Not yours. Stand firm and say how it will be, but don't get drawn into arguing about it.

Sounds like an episode of VEEP!

Your MIL is a dick and should never be president.

Your MIL is an arsehole.

Does your MIL attend this church? Or have friends that do? Does she fully accept your marriage really? I get that she might just have thought it was a local venue (I just voted in a church hall, went to a playgroup in one, attended guides etc, despite being atheist) but it sounds like it's a 'church organised' event so presumably, she has friends in this church? In which case they should not be socialising with her! If she's supportive in general then I think she needs to know this if she doesn't.

How did your DW feel about it? I understand your strong feelings and I understand your DW has a history of feeling unsupported by her DM, but did your DW think it was impossible to attend or did you take a stand and then your DW followed it?

Fuck that! Yanbu. At all.

I'd tell the organisers why you're not attending.

DW isn’t at all surprised by her mum and is very upset by her attitude and behaviour. She’s not well so I offered to take the brunt of it all but she was just as angry as I was over what happened. DW is very fragile mentally and is currently struggling a lot so I’m trying to shield her from a lot of the fall out.

MIL went to the trivia night and has been posting all over Facebook about what a wonderful evening they had and tagging me in all the pictures. I’ve been quietly removing the tags and only replying to important text messages, so basically ignoring the 30 or so random ones I get every day. She doesn’t understand why we’re so upset she lied to us and there’s no point trying to explain. I don’t know what she told people about why we weren’t there but I don’t really care at the moment.

We’ve donated directly to the main cause so they haven’t missed out and for now we’re going completely low contact with MIL. This is the latest in a long string of instances where she’s prioritised other people over DW and her feelings and enough is enough.

This is definitely not your fault. You’re doing the right thing by ignoring the majority of the crap. I would think it would eventually blow over.

As a matter of interest has mil been generally supportive of your relationship

Your mil is wrong here
Is she generally supportive of your relationship though? Going low or no contact seems a good idea

Why won’t you answer what church it is?

Why does it matter what church it is?

@magicBrenda because this isn’t about the church and their preachings, it’s about my MIL and her distinct lack of respect for her daughter and our family.

For those who asked I honestly don’t know how MIL feels about our relationship- we didn’t have a big wedding, we actually eloped with the children and told everyone when we got back. Literally nobody else knew so MIL isn’t happy about that. She keeps making passive aggressive digs about how she was the last to know and how everyone is disappointed that there wasn’t a party to celebrate. She was never interested in the plans for the original wedding and we just wanted to get married so that’s what we did.