How romantic is your partner

[sensitivesally]

Was going to post this on AIBU but wasn't sure if it was more suited to here... just that really - how romantic/ spontaneous are your other halves??!

I've been with DP for nearly 2 years. He's not the father of my children and we don't live together but we do spend most nights together unless one of us has other plans and we have keys to each other's homes. When we first met he planned lovely dates but I've recently realised he's become a 'whatever' man.
E.g. me: 'shall we do something tonight?' Him: 'yeah whatever you want' then I end up booking/ planning
Or
Me (half jokingly) 'we've not been on a date for ages why don't you take me out?' Wink wink
Him: 'yeah, you choose' ... again I end up arranging it

I try to keep things spontaneous, book little treats etc (for example I've arranged 2 weekends away in the last 3 months for us both) or I'll sometimes book a gig for a band he likes or something as a surprise and he's always really appreciative but I'd just love him to think to do the same for me from time to time.
He's fantastic with my children, treats them like his own, sex is great (although I initiate it 95% of the time) he's loving etc, I get sweet texts telling me he loves me/ is thinking of me etc and I feel like I'm being a bit of a cow here but I just want him to DO something without me asking. Even if he just surprised me by running me a bath with some candles or planned a day/ night out (or in!) off his own back or anything 😩
I have tried reversing things and not arranging anything but he doesn't really seem to notice so we end up just cuddled up on the sofa (which in itself is lovely I know but just once in a while it'd be nice if he came up with something!)

I'm fully aware he could be worse and that this is probably perfectly normal, I just wondered what other relationships are like!

I'm a bit of a soppy git and like to hear other people's romantic stories even if I don't get to experience it myself 😬

Bumping 😁

Don't have a partner so can't give you any romantic stories but I've found with every relationship I've had, any 'romance' has died after the first few months.
A bit like you I've always ended up becoming the organiser/ planner and tbh it gets very tiresome being the only one who feels like they're making an effort which is probably why I'm better off single! 😂

I'm certainly no expert but I think men get lazy when they're happy?

I have no children or anyone to think of other than myself though, I imagine you don't think it's worth breaking up over when he sounds like he's good in other areas?

Romance is overrated - what I find sexy is when he does the washing up, cleans the house, hoovers etc... without asking needing a round of applause - phaw!!!!!

@Undomesticgodde55 I'd love it if he did something round the house without me asking too! Anything! 😂
He's always happy to help if I give him a job to do (we tend to spend more time at mine as I have dogs/ kids so it's just easier if we're here!) but my point is that I'd just love him to think 'I'll do this/ that' without having to be told/ asked

I'm judging by the responses so far that perhaps I've watched too many movies and that I should just shut up 🤐

@lurkerburger oh no I don't want to break up with him, he's not that bad! This was meant as a fairly light hearted thread I was just hoping to hear some lovely tales of things peoples DP's do for them (sad I know!)

I get you @sensitivesally... my H is so unromantic but to be fair, he does organise stuff for us - but not necessarily what I would have chosen. We’ve had a really bad few years and have spilt up twice but looking at trying again. Faults on both sides but one thing that’s helped me us the 5 languages of love and trying to understand how he communicates love. It’s made me much less resentful and more grateful for the good things he does. But mine is like a domestic goddess and it doesn’t sound like you even have that! Although you do say he helps if directed. You’ve got to think if his positives outweigh his negatives I think. Can you live with his negatives without becoming resentful?

I was going to say not romantic, but from your examples maybe he is :)

Live-out bf of two years, age 54. He brings me a cup of coffee in bed, buys and cooks things I like to eat and drink, we go out a lot. You can generally tell he wants to make an effort to interest me: he apologises nicely if he's tired/not in good form/has to cancel, and clearly likes it and perks up when I'm in a good mood. Keen, generous in bed. He comes up with ideas for things to do together regularly (trips away, walks in the countryside, concerts etc.).

On the other hand, he hates anything lovey-dovey - cuddles yes, but no promises for the future (not sure if because he thinks I will dump him or if he doesn't want to promise anything himself!), no love talk, very pragmatic.

A couple of times I've thought of looking for someone more romantic in the lovey dovey sense, but then he's come up with really nice, fun things to do and I've changed my mind :) Wonder if his continued efforts are because he could tell, or if it's just because we don't live together and that requires more effort.

@KOKOtiltomorrow maybe I do need to look at his good points rather than focusing on his bad! I guess I just feel a bit like I'm always the organiser of everything and want him to just take charge once in a while. Would be lovely if he swept me off my feet.... or just swept the kitchen floor without being asked to 🤔😂

He talks about a future with me, tells me he loves me every day, texts sweet things so I definitely don't feel unloved. He's also very keen to please me in bed and isn't a selfish lover at all which is lovely

Gah, I'm just a cow aren't I?!

@ravenmum he sounds a bit the opposite to mine! I have lovey dovey in abundance which is great .....but I'd love a cuppa in bed! That's the kind of thing he'd never think to do.
We don't live together either but I feel the effort is one sided when it comes to actually planning anything for us to do.
Perhaps we could work out a rota and do a man share? 😬

Tricky one. Mine doesn't know when our anniversary is. Never buys birthday cards. Birthday gifts are predictable. Never buys flowers.

BUT ... he does our shopping and gets all my favourite stuff. He cuts the white off my eggs. He recently bought me an iPad... just because! He records documentaries he thinks I'd like.
He's a good un really 🙂

@sensituvesally.... defo not a cow! Have you talked to him about it as in does he realise you want/need this to happen? Or are you expecting him to work it out for himself? One of the things I used to get annoyed about was that H didn’t naturally want to hug me etc. In my head, if you love someone, it comes as a natural desire. But he just doesn’t like hugging if there’s not a “reason” eg upset, haven’t seen each etc. He’s the only person I know who thinks a massage is hell in earth!! But I maintain it comes down to whether it’s a deal breaker for you and if you can live feeling this way long time or change your perspective.

I don't think romance is your problem, OP, you just have a rather passive, relationship-lazy man who defaults to 'do nothing and can't see any reason why not to'. If he wasn't like that at the beginning, then it suggests he feels he's done the running and now that you're 'caught', it's just a matter of lying on the sofa every night till death.

I would struggle to stay in a relationship with someone like that, I must say. I'm not surprised it bothers you, and no, you're not remotely a cow. You're just not ready to retire to life on the sofa.

@KOKOtiltomorrow I haven't spoken to him about it seriously no, I've jokingly hinted I guess but in all honesty I don't want romantic gestures because he feels he has to, that kind of defeats the object.
In answer to your question, no I don't think it's a deal breaker. His good points outweigh his bad if I look at it that way.
He'll massage my back/ feet, I get hugs on tap, he genuinely is happy to help around the house if I ask him to he just never thinks to do it if I don't. Where he lacks effort with the romance I suppose he makes up for with my kids, he puts them first in everything, always thinks of them, spends time with them and he does actually plan things to do with them, just not us as a couple so much he tends to leave that to me.

@Baskerville It's quite a comfy sofa tbf 😬

Mine is very non-romantic, we've been together almost 6 years, living together 5 this summer.

When we first got together we went out for dinner every Friday evening and he never let me pay as I usually drove.
He text me good morning and good night.
He bought me flowers when I got a promotion, my best friend buys them for me more frequently.

Since we've lived together the texts have stopped although I get a random "I love you" occasionally and a sloppy good morning and good night kiss
He runs me a bath occasionally.

I'm expecting our first child currently and he won't let me carry the shopping from the boot to the kitchen (10 - 15 steps)
He rubs my back as it aches, won't rub my sore feet though
He's offered to help me shave my legs as I'm struggling to bend over...

I wouldn't say he's romantic over all, but he has always taken care of me.

I've jokingly hinted I guess but in all honesty I don't want romantic gestures because he feels he has to, that kind of defeats the object.

That’s what I was getting at .... if he’s genuinely not “like that” then it won’t happen. This is what I was guilty of.... wanting him to be like me but he’s not. Try working through that to see if you can accept that

@Aimily i get the morning and night texts still without fail. He also always likes to pay when we do go out even if I've arranged it, although I don't always let him! He does like to make me happy but it usually involves asking me what I want to make me happy rather than spontaneously doing something to surprise me. He does give a good cuddle though ☺️

Thanks @KOKOtiltomorrow I'm sure I can! I just came on here to have a moan because I'd seen on Facebook earlier a post from a friend who's been with her guy 13 years and he'd done some romantic shite for her so I got all jealous 😂
But I know Facebook is the devil and what's posted on social media isn't all real and all that jazz.
Mumsnet has restored my faith in a non romantic relationships!

Neither of us are romantic at all, just the way we both like it.
We both think of things to do though.

I’ve been with DP a similar time and although he’s not OTT with the big romantic gestures, he is very proactive around the house (even though he doesn’t live here!) and with finding things to do (especially that don’t cost much as I’m on a budget). So after a bit of a crap morning one weekend when I was feeling down he bundled us into the car and drove out to a country pub where we could sit and have a drink outside and the kids could play. Or he’ll bring a cheap bunch of flowers back because they’re a nice colour, or strip the bed, remake it and wash the sheets which is a major major plus for me!

I suppose what I like best isn’t that it’s romantic as such but that he’s interested in things. Wants to go out into the world and see what’s going on, wants to hear what we’ve been up to, wants to try that new street food stall or market or cafe. And that translates into being an interesting person who has opinions and things to talk about - a nice change from my exH who liked computer games and the gym and not much else. It’s not that nights in snuggling are bad (with 2 D.C. at home we have plenty of those), it’s that living too narrow a life makes you quite a narrow person. Which some people are totally fine with! But it’s not to my taste, and you don’t have to be going to exotic or expensive places to widen your life a bit.

@SensitiveSally I think reading your post and updates, overall you've got a good'un he's just a bit useless in places, but I think you're hard pressed to find anyone that isn't really these days as long as he is good for your happiness, that's what matters. I how someone gives you the romantic stories you're hoping for.

Never had a romantic partner. Not had many to choose from but none of them would know a romantic gesture if it flew up their arse and our their mouth

He sounds like a follower, OP, a bit passive and happy for you to take the lead. That's not likely to change.

He sounds a nice guy, but you'll have to be the driver. Can be wearing over time.

Some men do lots of little romantic things and some prefer big gestures which happen less often. My friend's husband falls into the big gesture category - occasionally a really nice meal out or something. My friend on the other hand is better at the little everyday things e.g a love note on his pillow, having his favourite beer in the fridge. She used to try talking to him about this but I think she's just come to accept that they have different ways of showing their love. They've been together over 10 years and are very happy.

I'm not saying you have to accept something your partner does that you're not happy with, just trying to offer a different perspective. Hope things work out op!

As for the romance question, my ex was very, and big on presents and gestures. But he couldn't keep it in his pants. So, yanno, swings and roundabouts .

@StinkyWizleteets 😂😂 that made me laugh out loud!

@Aimily yeah he's not a bad'un I feel a bit bad that I've complained about him now as he's just walked through the door and given me a big hug and told me how much he's missed me today now go run me a bath you lazy sod

@Michaelbaubles yes you're right. Despite what I've said about him, he is actually a very interesting person. He has travelled quite a bit and we have vague plans to do so together .... I just think it will be me that ends up organising it! We talk and laugh a lot together which I wouldn't swap for the world.

My husband lacks confidence in arranging things like that, but shows he cares in so many other ways I cant get upset about it. Sure it would be nice if he spontaneously arranged dates for us etc, but all the little sweet things he does more than make up for it. I guess you have to work out what is important to you.