Need some help - am I just too sensitive!?

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Hi MNetters

Just need a bit of clarity on this and don’t really have anyone else to turn to.

I have been with my partner for 4 yrs, the beginning was great he treated me well and we had a real laugh. However in the last few years I feel like a level of disrespect has crept in. Such as:

1. Telling me he is going to b*tch slap me when I say no to a request. But covered as a joke.
2. Statements such as a women’s place is in

the kitchen. Again, joke.

1. Telling his friends about my boob job.
2. Also telling friends about are sex lives.
3. Another man found me attractive and he said that this guy must be blind.. another ‘joke’.
4. Asking me for sex and when I say I’m not in the mood telling me that I can just lay there.
5. Referring to me as his ‘side piece’.

All of these he says are just jokes, that I’m too sensitive. Which I don’t think I am, I just think there is a level of respect that should be present! My problem is I can’t seem to leave him. Maybe I’m just trying to understand why he is treating me this way. When the behaviour first started I went to have the ‘talk’ to break it off and he begged me not to and that he’d change so it’s confusing.. if he didn’t want me he would have said ok let’s break up. And the other part is why do I need his validation for a break up.. it should be enough that I am unhappy, yet here I am.

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re your comments in quotemarks:-

""My problem is I can’t seem to leave him. Maybe I’m just trying to understand why he is treating me this way".

He does this because he can. His father likely treated his mother with the same level of hate and contempt shown towards her so this is inbuilt behaviour within his own pysche. Such abusive men hate women, all of them.

You have a choice here re him and being with him has further eroded your boundaries here. He has certainly further crushed your self esteem and worth. And that may be why you seemingly need his validation for a break up, that you are somehow not worthy but of course you do not need that at all from him. You just need to give your own self permission to leave him.

"When the behaviour first started I went to have the ‘talk’ to break it off and he begged me not to and that he’d change so it’s confusing.. "

You were well and fooled by an empty promise; this is who he is and he really does not think he has done anything wrong here with regards to you. When someone tells you who they are you would be wise to listen. He said enough to keep you on the line. And they all promise to change and it never happens. This is really who he is.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What example did your parents show you?

re this comment:-
if he didn’t want me he would have said ok let’s break up"

No he would not have said this. He gets off on the power and control he wields over you in this relationship and will not give that up so easily. Therefore he will not let you go that easily. If you leave he will then have to put the work in to find another sap to abuse and that is hard work for him. He is probably just nice enough to you for long enough to keep you reeled in but this is all part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. He also wants to drag you down with him to his base level.

Please talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and they will help you further. I would also suggest you look at their Freedom Programme and do this as soon as you are able.

What is the situation re the property and finances? You may well have to employ legal means now to get him out of your life for good.

Yes, your problem is that you can't seem to leave him. You've had excellent advice from Attila -- act on it. Good luck. And no, he's not going to give you permission to leave. He's also a total shit.

There is no respect here. Please don't stay with him....he will continue to erode your self esteem.

You deserve better.

Practice your resting bitch face.
Tell him he is dumped and it's no joke and do the face...
He is a twat.

I’ve really become a shadow of myself, mainly my fault of just putting up with it because I loved him and thought he loved me too.

Even the fact that he went and brought a flat 2 yrs into our relationship after I had suggested we buy together didn’t alert me to the fact that he didn’t value me. I mean it hurt but perhaps I feel I should be treated this way.

@Attila, most of the females in my life are single.. all found themselves with useless men and ‘eventually’ got rid. Strong women but probably fought for too long!

Even the fact that he went and brought a flat 2 yrs into our relationship after I had suggested we buy together didn’t alert me to the fact that he didn’t value me.

I think you should be thanking your lucky stars you didn't buy together, OP.

@Baskerville, definitely should be thankful. And I am, but I should have been gone at that point

Don't waste any more time then OP. You're already regretting not getting out when he bought the flat, don't still be saying that in 5 years time! Life is too short.

You’re right I should just escape while I can. I’m still young and shouldn’t put up with such shit.

Absolutely, coming. Stop thinking about the time you've wasted and think about the good times to come when your self-esteem isn't crushed by a horrible relationship.

My husband would say these type of things, been together over 20 years and i do regret at times not leaving, maybe one day i will, my advice-will only make you feel worse over time and harder to leave longer your together and if yous have DCs.

I feel like you do at the moment so I completely get it.. false promises only last so long, u start to get that bored of it all. I was 15 years down the line.. now that's a waste of time! Don't do what I've done, don't waste ur time on a lier who doesn't respect you, the longer it goes on the less energy u will have to go! Bite the bullet.. leave. In the end he will force u to this point anyway so do it now while u still have courage to do it. Hope everything gets better soon x

Do you have children together? If not I would ask your lovely friends to come round to the flat one day when he's at work and pack up all your stuff with you and just leave a note saying goodbye and good luck.

Life's too short, OP.

He thrives on putting you down - he doesn't want to break up with you, not out of love, but because who would he use as his emotional punchbag then? How would he explain getting dumped to his yuk-it-up mates? He'd have to break in a whole new woman, go through the courting best behaviour bit all over again. Of course he'd rather keep you.

Plus I can look forward to not having to constantly tidy the place when he can’t be bothered to help with the chores.

@loz1986, sorry to hear that it was 15 years for you I certainly don’t want to waste that much time. I just got so low about it all and put him first when it shouldn’t have ever been the case

Just out of curiosity to op and pp's, do yous also have happy times and somedays your dh/p are great and don't say anything negative? I seem to go through cycles with my feelings, he can be wonderful for weeks then one comment will make me want to give it all up

@Justcantforget, I do find that sometimes he’ll be nice but often this will coincide with either me just giving up and doing everything (cook, clean, attention for him) leaving him to lazy around like a teenager or when he feels I am just about to leave. It’s always one of the two.

The nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one and is common to the abusive person.

Escape whilst you can, you are far too young to be putting up with such from him. He really does think nothing of you at all.

Just break up with him.
Just that, break up with him.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Get rid of him. You deserve better than a misogynistic piece of shit like him.

"Attila, most of the females in my life are single.. all found themselves with useless men and ‘eventually’ got rid. Strong women but probably fought for too long!"

They were conditioned wrongly to fight; all this nonsense about flight for your love indeed is corrosive and damaging.

Some men also target outwardly strong women (but these same women have a shaky sense of self worth/self esteem and sub optimal boundaries and these types of men sense this too) because they see them as a challenge to bring down to their level.

Some women really do believe that they as an individual aren’t deserving of more. This is utterly disappointing and ludicrous. You don’t deserve to be mistreated or taken advantage of ever. You deserve to have someone love you back as much as you love them.

You may also find the website "baggage reclaim" a useful read too.

OP if you can't bare to leave him right now, if u don't have the strength then I suggest u reorganise your priorities in life, start putting urself first, don't do naff all for him, make sure u go out after work and come home late.. this will help u distance yourself abit from him and it will become easier to leave when the time is right x

Oh no ladies you miss understand I am leaving, my comment was to @justcant who asked if my stbxp was constantly so rude towards me as it seems she is experiencing similar.

As for me, f this I’m not putting up with it any longer, going to stay with some family.

My god the spelling mistakes in that.. but onwards and upwards for me.