"You are married, so you can go back home" fleeing DV

[CheesecakeAddict]

Hi all.
Hopefully someone here can help me. After many incidents and threats I've finally done what everyone told me was the right thing to do and leave my emotionally, financially and physically abusive husband. I have an 18 month old with. But now what? I'm living in a hotel, eating take aways 3 meals a day, and have 50 miles of fuel left in the car and enough clean clothes until Monday. I went yesterday to the council to get emergency accommodation but they refused my application on the basis of having joint tenancy with my husband so I can move back. Even if I did that, and managed to get him removed from the property, 2 things I can guarantee will happen: 1. My husband will go back to his country, and I will never see a penny from him in CM; 2. I will not be able to afford the rent so i will get myself in 1000s of pounds of rent arrears, make impossible for me to then get another rental property and eventually end up losing the property. How is that a solution? My family live 200 miles away, if I live with them (baring in mind I will be moving my 18 month old into the house with my dad who has anger issues and my brother who is a drug addict). It also means I will have to quit my job and I won't find another in this sector near my parents. Our social worker tried to find us a refuge but they are all full. They'll ring me every day to see if a spot becomes available but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? What is the point on telling women to leave abusive husbands and giving up everything if there is nothing in place to help them get back on their feet?

Where is your child?

I think your putting obstacles in your own way because your so stressed out.

Your first priority is to make sure you have s safe home for you and child. Go to the police and have him removed due to DV.

You can’t control if he goes back to his home country as he may do that at anytime.

Once your back in the house inform the HA that you have to leave your rental because you can’t afford it now and see if they can down size. Lots of HA will be happy to do this as there is a shortage of bigger houses for bigger families

In the mean time apply for benefits to see you over the interim.

Don’t focus of the child support. Your safety is far more important

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Finns you local service, contact them and request the support of a domestic abuse support worker or an Independent Domestic Violence Adviser Advisor (IDVA).

The local council has a duty under the law to house those facing abuse.

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/guide-to-domestic-violence-housing-and-homelessness.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwik99nxvq7iAhUFRhUIHZI9C_gQFjACegQIARAB&usg=AOvVaw1_i3KjluIyH8YdnJhcr2Ok" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/guide-to-domestic-violence-housing-and-homelessness.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwik99nxvq7iAhUFRhUIHZI9C_gQFjACegQIARAB&usg=AOvVaw1_i3KjluIyH8YdnJhcr2Ok

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

They should not be telling you to go back to somewhere you are not safe.
Also, if you feel up to it, you can make a report to the police around historic abuse.

You have done the right thing in leaving, something that takes strength and courage. It infuriates me when services let survivors down.

Wishing you well, please stay strong and don't let foolish people who are bad at their jobs drive you back to that situation. You have rights and there is good support out there

For the immediate, can you move to an Airbnb right away? It would be cheaper than a hotel and you would have cooking facilities.

If you are fleeing dv then I would have thought your local authority would have found you emergency accommodation. I work in housing and we would. Have you been to citizens advice, they might be able to advice on who else could help. Refuges are difficult to get into where I'm from anyway. But in the mean time, a hotel isn't affordable. Emergency housing would be more affordable long term but the main issue is making you and your child safe. I'd try again with your local authority and hopefully they'll intervene and house you. The homeless reduction act means that LA's have to do more to help even short term. To prevent homelessness before it happens rather than previously waiting until people have no where to go.

I hope you manage to get things sorted soon. 💐

Contact Womens Aid
Rights of Women
Shelter
CAB

See what they have to say. Hopefully one of those organisations can help you.
I'd also contact police on 101 and report the DA to get it on record.
When is the last time he physically abused you?
Do you have pictures of any bruising etc...?
Contact everyone you can to get the best help possible.

I have accommodation!!
I miss him so much though. But he won't give me any money to help with childcare costs (I have to pay it all). My SIL who thinks I'm being over dramatic keeps texting me and i don't know what to do. I keep doubting my decision. I'm so confused

I keep doubting my decision.

Don't let doubt creep in. If you are feeling DV, you are doing the right thing for yourself and for your child.

Doubt is normal and it decreases with time. There will be a point at which you will be incredulous that you even considered returning to the abuse.

Block your SIL. She is colluding with your abuser and you mustn't give her the opportunity to fill your head with unhelpful thoughts when you are so vulnerable.

If you are feeling DV....

Sorry that was meant to say

If you are fleeing DV,.....

I know I can't go back. Child SS have told me if I go back to him then they will put in a child protection plan (he hasn't ever touched her, just tells her mummy is stupid) and adult SS have said they will take it to marac. So logic tells me it's serious. Yet I just want him to have just changed 😭😭. Everyone seems to be so pleased but I have barely eaten in a week and I can't sleep and all I do is cry.

It's ridiculous how alone mothers are leaving abusive relationships.

I don't have the answers.

But I know what you're going through.

It sounds like there are serious concerns, and rightfully so. His telling your daughter that mummy is stupid is emotional abuse of both you and your child. And the fact that they are taking it to MARAC means they believe you are at a high risk of harm. I'm glad you got accommodation. Social services can help with financial support until you are able to arrange finances. Get yourself all the support you can, it will help.

It sounds shit. I'm so sorry. You are being let down.

Take one day at a time.

Would it help to talk through what you're going to do today on here? There may be other posters who can offer ideas and support.

0800 2000 247 - national domestic violence helpline

They will be able to look on the database and tell you which refuges have vacancies and help you with the referral process. Joint tenancy on a house is not usually a problem
Good luck

Is he paying support for you child? If not, you need to apply to CMS straight away.

Also, have you applied for tax / universal credit?

Was you shared home a private rental, or housing association / local authority?

I miss him so much 😭😭😭

It will be hard, you're grieving a life that you thought you were going to have
But he's hurt you, it is likely to escalate and he's likely to hurt your child too
Please phone the number I posted and get some specialist DV support and somewhere safe to stay

CheesecakeAddict i am going to be harsh. My DM lived with a man (my father) who beat her. I am one of the three DD who had to listen to that and he ended up leaving her and moving onto some other poor victim. Your behaviour now will dictate your DD future. Stay strong and stay away from this man. Sadly I was left with underlying anxiety (well hidden), have a low standard when it comes to men as my norm is very different to others. Focus on your DC....how anyone can say they miss a man who beats them is beyond me......I appreciate the cycle of abuse and its hard however its not all about you....you have a DC to think about and your decisions now will impact on her future....I hope you find your inner strength and get some counselling as you need to understand why you have set your bar so low....

I rang the dv helpline and someone came to help me at the council to get homed. I am now in emergency accommodation. He doesn't believe I'm going and thinks I'm being over dramatic and won't pay towards childcare. Not sure how I am going to cope on my own

So what If he wont pay child care. Make sure you have CMS claim in now.

You will cope

One day at a time.

See if you can get counselling and get on the freedom programme

Write down why you miss him versus the abuse he mets out.

Also think very very carefully if you return your child will be removed do you want that. Think of her now.

Talk on here if it helps even if it’s to vent.

I'm not going to return. I know that. But I have been with dh since we were at school. It's all I've known

The knobcheese is not trying to get me back by acts of kindness, but rather trying to make me so poor that I have no choice. When I went back to work after mat leave, I paid for the whole childcare but stopped putting towards the house (made our household a 50 50 split). Now I'm out and having to pay own rent etc and he is refusing to give a penny of child maintenance so I am going to have to go through cms. I'm not even going to get a quarter of the childcare costs. So he just pays rent, on more than double my income, and lives the high life, whereas I am having my first meal of the day because I can't afford for both me and dd to eat. The bastard!

@CheesecakeAddict have you applied for benefits? Even if you are working you will probably get some help, especially towards childcare costs.

I didn't think I would be entitled to anything. I'll give it a go!

@CheesecakeAddict check on the website 'entitled to' that will give you an idea