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Original poster

Tiny little lie - what next

44 replies

Mycatatetherat · 21/05/2019 14:51

I've been with bf 6 months. It is the nicest, most fun, most loving and happiest relationship I have ever been in. I'm divorced but had lots of lovely relationships prior to marriage so this relationship is particularly good, not just less shit than previous shit, iyswim.

However today I discovered a tiny, insignificant lie. The lie was because he hadn't wanted to say no to me about something. I do not overreact if he says no, just for context, in fact I think more of people who are assertive and say no when they mean no.

Instead he lied and I found out. I left his and came home. He is very apologetic, feels stupid, etc. Says he will "look at himself" because he wants me to trust him.

Now I've calmed down and am trying to be objective about it all. I don't want to end things but also don't want to sweep it under the carpet and carry on.

How would you deal with this?

OP posts:
Horsesforcourses23 · 21/05/2019 15:06

Hmmm depend's on how big the lie was...

Was it a "no your bum doesn't look big in that dress" kinda lie or a "I'm stopping in tonight" and was actually out?

He may be a people pleaser and does struggle with saying No...

SandyY2K · 21/05/2019 15:12

It's hard to say without knowing what it was tbh.

Justbreathing · 21/05/2019 16:30

Did it involve being dressing up as a furbie.

RLEOM · 21/05/2019 17:01

Monitor how often he tells these tiny lies to others. If he appears to be the type who can't be honest about minor things to friends and family, you may find you are with a compulsive liar who cannot face any kind of issues in life. If that is the case, RUN! You'll never be able to trust his word.

Original poster
Mycatatetherat · 21/05/2019 17:02

I'd asked him to come over if he finished work early, he'd said he didn't finish work early, turns out he did and just wanted a night on his own.
He is a people pleaser...

OP posts:
Realbee85 · 21/05/2019 17:10

Oh God poor guy! He just wants some space and to have a few hours on his own. He's scared you'll over react and you did.
I don't see what the issue is?

Icandothisallday · 21/05/2019 17:16

See if dp lied to me about where he was I wouldn't be happy. But then he knows I like time on my own as well. So would say.

Unless you think he was elsewhere and/or a liar.

You say you dont over react. But people who over react, very rarely realise they do.

Surely you asked him why he lied? What was his answer?

If he is a good guy, he either lied because you over react and get a bit sulky if he wants time in his own or you are a but clingy and he waant sure of your reaction to him saying that.

Of none of these are true, then I am not sure why you want to give him a second chance. If you truly believed he lied for no reason.

Original poster
Mycatatetherat · 21/05/2019 17:26

@Realbee85 how have you come to that conclusion? I was upset because of the lie not because he didn't want to see me.

@Icandothisallday it's a fair point about people who overreact not realising they do and in the past with others I definitely have. However in this relationship it is him who wants to spend more time with me and is slightly more clingy (although I wouldn't use that word) while I have dc so have very limited time and often say no to seeing him. I'm not sure he's ever actually said no to seeing me so it hasn't been put to the test if I overreact or not! He's said no to other things and I've accepted it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mycatatetherat · 21/05/2019 17:28

I asked why he lied and he said he didn't know.

OP posts:
Icandothisallday · 21/05/2019 17:35

Was this a child free night you asked him?

I can imagine that he wanted to say no but made excuses, because it would feel like a waste of a child free evening

As I said, if you believe he lied for no good reason, then I am not sure why you would want to stay with him. Lying for pointless reasons isnt a personality trait most people look for.

ThatCurlyGirl · 21/05/2019 17:44

I've probably done this before tbh, because when I was younger I felt I had to have a reason for just wanting some slobby me time to veg out on the sofa and watch crap. I think probably he just didn't want to say he wanted alone time or for you to take it personally.

Maybe say to him that you like your own time sometimes too, so he needn't fib in future because you'll understand it's not a big deal?

That way you've addressed it but not escalated it into something bigger that it is?

Phlaps · 21/05/2019 17:46

"My girl's mad at me, I didn't want to see a film tonight..."

Original poster
Mycatatetherat · 21/05/2019 17:56

My girl's mad at me, I didn't want to see a film tonight
What?

OP posts:
daisyboocantoo · 21/05/2019 18:00

Omg. What a storm in a teacup.

He told a little white lie to spare your feelings. Some alone time is vital.

Just tell him that next time, there is no need to fib about it, you understand.

And then move on. Don't be a drama lama.

LemonTT · 21/05/2019 18:00

Based on the very little written here you overreact which is not the same as being clingy.

He is able to say no. That isn’t what happened here. He didn’t want to explain the no. The answers to why that was is a long list. If I was a betting person my bets would be him perceiving

  • he was doing something else you would object to strenuously or,
  • he was actually avoiding you
and
  • you overreact /over analyse / over think
MissSmiley · 21/05/2019 18:05

It's lyrics from a Madness song

toldmywrath · 21/05/2019 18:06

Mycatatetherat

My girl's mad at me, I didn't want to see a film tonight
What? It's a quote from a song by Madness.

tempytemp · 21/05/2019 18:06

I react really badly to being lied to, as in the person has to regain my trust, which is not easy once it is broken.

I would have a talk with him about this, explain how important truth and trust is to you and take it from there. Once is recoverable from but not if he keeps doing it.

Original poster
Mycatatetherat · 21/05/2019 18:07

Jesus really? Drama llama?
I am very much in favour of alone time. I love it, I understand the need for it, I often take it and tell him about it, and I encourage him to look after himself more. It wasn't the alone time I objected to but the lying. Are white lies acceptable now?

OP posts:
SwimmingKaren · 21/05/2019 18:09

He just fancied a night in and didn’t yet feel comfortable saying it. I like my own company and would be worried about offending a new partner if I pied them off to slob about at home for the night so would probably lie too. Can see why he did it but can also see why you’re bothered as doesn’t set them best tone. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it.

Original poster
Mycatatetherat · 21/05/2019 18:10

I react really badly to being lied to, as in the person has to regain my trust, which is not easy once it is broken
This is how I feel. If he can so casually lie about something so insignificant then what else has he possibly lied about?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mycatatetherat · 21/05/2019 20:08

I asked again why he lied and he said he didn't want me to feel rejected and when I questioned him on that (because I never feel rejected and don't believe I give that impression) he said it was a hangup from his ex making him feel bad if he ever wanted to be alone.
I'm going to drop it with him now but still feel uncomfortable knowing I've been lied to and not knowing if he's told other little lies.

OP posts:
noloh1 · 21/05/2019 20:13

How did you find out he’d lied?

Original poster
Mycatatetherat · 21/05/2019 20:24

He cocked up his story the 2nd time he mentioned leaving work.

OP posts:
noloh1 · 21/05/2019 20:51

I would be pissed at this. And not too sure I would get over it. You’re going to be looking for holes in his stories now.