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Original poster

'In laws'

28 replies

arialuna15 · 21/05/2019 14:31

So every Wednesday me and my boyfriend unless go for dinner at his parents house however last Wednesday I asked him if we could cancel as I wasn't really feel up for it. I wasn't feel sick or anything just a little down, having one of those days where I just wanted to cuddle up on the sofa in my PJ and stay in. Anyways later that evening I was really craving some apples so we went to the shop to buy some and saw my boyfriend step-mother there. She then told us they were no impressed we cancelled dinner and that we are pushing them away. Do you think I was wrong to cancel dinner? It's not like we missed dinner all the time. We visit his parents loads I just wasn't feeling up for it that day. When my boyfriend then said 'we're sorry but you need to understand we having our Iran family soon. We won't be able to see you as much once baby is here and some days we won't feel like leaving the house' she then told us that were being unfair and she has a right to see us and the baby whenever she wants

OP posts:
Summerorjustmaybe · 21/05/2019 14:36

Actually she has the right to fuck all.
And Yanbu to remind her..

chuttypicks · 21/05/2019 14:41

Not sure why your DP couldn't go to see his parents, just because you didn't feel like it though? SM was being unreasonable by saying they'll see you whenever they like though. You have absolutely no reason that you have to go and see them if you don't want to. They could visit you if they were that bothered, and you're welcome to turn them away at the door if you don't want them there.

Original poster
arialuna15 · 21/05/2019 14:42

Is not that I don't like his parents. I absolutely love them they've done so much for us and I would of canceled if our plan was to go got dinner at my parents that night. I just wasn't feeling up for it. Just having a bad day, I did feel bad for cancelling. It's nice they wanted to see us but now I feel like once baby is here I'll have to drop everything to go see them to save arguments. I know there'll be some days after I've given birth where I'll just want to stay at home and not see or talk to anyone and now I feel like a bad person if I tell them I'm just wanna stay at home alone today

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 21/05/2019 14:44

It gets tiresome to have to do the same thing, the same day, every week. It becomes a chore rather than a pleasure.

MsSquiz · 21/05/2019 14:54

It's a bit rubbish to cancel on the day, when food would have been bought/meal prepped maybe.
If you wanted to stay at home, why couldn't your boyfriend still go round?

This happened to us recently in that we were due to go to my PIL's for Sunday lunch but my morning (all day) sickness had really hit. His parents didn't yet know I was pregnant so I told DH to still go for lunch, apologise and say I wasn't well, possible food poisoning. His mum put my lunch on a plate and sent it back round with him.

Maybe it could have been dealt with better?

TeaForTheWin · 21/05/2019 14:55

Bit odd that bf couldn't g alone though isn't it? Did he spin them a 'WE can't come because my partner doesn't want to' line maybe?

Anyway, they aren't even your inlaws if you aren't married to their son. It sounds like bf told her whats what and she didn't...like them apples xD. I think I would have been tempted to say 'seeing people isn't a right, it's a privilege. If I want a day in to myself, that is entirely my prerogative'.

Anyway, no sense prolonging an argument I guess. Just don't be slow to be firm with her next time if she starts pushing boundaries. Be polite about it, but be firm.

Original poster
arialuna15 · 21/05/2019 15:01

Tbf I did ask my boyfriend if we could both stay In tonight which he's reply was 'yeah I'm so tried from work I don't really feel like going dad's tonight' he then rang his dad and explain I wasn't feeling great and he's was knackered from work so is it ok if we cancelled tonight unless Step mum has already started dinner. And he's dad said no that's absolutely fine he understand we'll just do it another night or at the weekend if we were free and that stepmum hasn't got anything special
Planned for dinner anyways so it was not a problem. I feel like it's more the stepmum and she feel like she has so over powering right over my baby. Don't know if I'm over reacting or not

OP posts:
Original poster
arialuna15 · 21/05/2019 15:19

Also I've been in hospital a few times now with false labour (I'm 7 months) and everytime she seems to want to come to the hospital with and take picture and things for her 'memory book' find that abit inconsiderate. Like I'm
Stay there with midwifes around me in pain and she's stood in the corner shouting 'smile' I understand she just excited to be a grandmother but surely this is abit over the top. I don't know is this how grandparents should behave?

OP posts:
fedup21 · 21/05/2019 15:23

Stop getting into routines of seeing them on x day as it will become expected. Don’t tell her when you have appointments or need to go to the hospital either-the less she knows, the better!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2019 15:27

No this is not how emotionally healthy people behave, let alone grandparents. Why has your partner's dad not got a grip on his wife's behaviours, where is he whilst all this with her "memory book" is going on?.

Your partner's stepmother is patently not nice and cannot be at all reasonable. Why you actually write you love his stepmother and his weak dad so much at all is puzzling to me. What have they done for you other than make you feel far more obligated to the pair of them?.

You need to raise your own boundaries with your partner's stepmother and dad sharpish because this is how it could be for you going forward too. She could well want to disregard her stepson's and your wishes going forward.

Original poster
arialuna15 · 21/05/2019 15:34

I do like he's step mum. She's helped us out loads financially and she wasn't this OTT at the beginning of the pregnancy. He's dad is definitely my favourite out the to and a lot more unstanding and laid back and treats me like a person not just a thing that's carrying he's granddaughter. I understand stepmum is excited. It will be her first grandchild and I'm happy she can't wait but the other thing to annoys me abit is we have planned to go on holiday without baby a few month after she's born just me and my boyfriend. My parents said they would happily take care of here for 4 days but the day before we come home is my dad's birthday and in the evening they are going out for a meal so would he's parents be able to have her for the night and her reply was 'I'm not babysitting that's getting to involve she's your baby' hahaha are you kidding me. Looking after your grandchild for one night is 'to involved' but shuffling a camera near my bits everytime I have a little cramp isn't?!?!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/05/2019 15:42

You need to nip her boundaries in the bud NOW before baby arrives.

Your DP needs to talk to his step mum and explain that she does not have any right to see you and the baby whenever she wants - you will let her know when she is welcome to visit.

miamiamaria · 21/05/2019 16:05

Are you asking her for a lift when you want to go to the hospital? If so stop it next thing you know she'll be in the room when you are in labour. Also YABU to have booked a holiday when the baby is only a few months old you dont know how you will feel once baby arrives and it's very unlikely you'll want to leave it.

chuttypicks · 21/05/2019 16:24

Hold on - so you think she's getting too involved and OTT and then you're annoyed that she won't babysit for you?!?! You can't have it all ways op. YABU for expecting her to baby sit and being assey when she declined. Expecting people to look after your baby when it's a few months old for however long is a bit much tbh.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2019 16:41

"I do like his step mum. She's helped us out loads financially"

So she has helped you out financially. She comes across as hating you and only tolerates you because you are with her stepson. I do not understand why you like her at all.

And by accepting financial help she has managed to make you both feel far more obligated to her. Its a shame that you accepted her financial largesse at all because this has really come at a price. It was never without conditions attached as you are now seeing; she thinks she owns you and in turn your child.

Your partner's stepmother is not excited in the ways you think she is; she is a problem in that she has no boundaries and is demanding. Sadly for you also it looks like both your partner and his dad in their own ways cannot stand up for themselves when it comes to her either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2019 16:45

What does your partner think of his stepmother's behaviours?.

Summerorjustmaybe · 21/05/2019 16:45

In her mind she has converted every £ to an hour of your baby.
Alone I would be betting too.

Singlenotsingle · 21/05/2019 20:44

I wouldn't have dreamed of being there when my ddil had her babies! Some things are private!

SandyY2K · 21/05/2019 23:16

Didn't you think about the baby when planning the holiday?
It's a big ask expecting even your own parents to look after a few months old baby.

Your SMIL does seem to have overstepped the mark by saying she can see you all when she wants.

snoopy18 · 22/05/2019 06:20

You might not want to leave baby for 4 days depending on how many months baby is when your trip is planned for. Mine is 10 weeks almost 11 and I have a 24 hour trip to Cardiff in June to see P!nk live and I’m already anxious about leaving him for the day! I was thinking about selling my ticket but hubby said that’s a daft idea and I shod go which I know he is right cos she’s amazing live 😂

It’s going to be challenging when your baby arrives - as helpful as it was to have my family help drop off food etc I found it too much them wanting to spend time with baby when I was exhausted and recovering & trying to get to grips with breastfeeding. My mum wanted me to go over for 2 weeks but I wanted to adjust as quickly as possible with just me and hubby and the dog. I’m glad I did. Obviously fine with them coming over whenever they want now etc but those first few weeks was crazy changes!

In laws are here for 6 weeks at the moment and that’s challenging too as they are staying with us 🤦🏾‍♀️

You’ll want to set boundaries when baby is here else it’ll turn into a stressful situation.

charlottreb13 · 22/05/2019 14:11

Why are yu all telling her she can't go on holiday so soon after a baby??? She can do whatever she wants. Not all new mothers want to be with they're baby all the time. I went back to work 3 week after birth and went on holiday with my son when he was 7 weeks. Nothing wrong with that. Help him understand that he can't be with me 24/7

TeaForTheWin · 22/05/2019 15:47

Gotta agree that it sounds like she helped you out financially knowing that it would make you feel obligated to put up with crap in future.

She isn't a nice person, you can tell with simply the initial 'i'll see you whenever I want' line she gave you, let alone all that creepy camera buinses :/

Instead of telling yourself something like 'oh she's a pain but she gave us money so maybe she is a nice person just overbearing' it might be wise to go with 'I determine my boundaries and no one gets to walk all over them. Least of all, balshy, entitled mothers. No exceptions, no excuses'.

horizontalis · 22/05/2019 16:08

Write them a note. An actual note, rather than a text or email. Say how much you love them, and how sorry you are that you weren't able to go round the other day as you weren't feeling all that well and didn't feel up to it. Then say how much you are looking forward to seeing them again, and invite them round.

TeaForTheWin · 22/05/2019 16:51

horizontalis you mean, kiss their ass? Fair enough if she did this BEFORE her mil talked to her but not now after how mil talked to her for daring to miss one meal with them. If anything, OP is owed the apology.

Nanny0gg · 22/05/2019 16:59

Why did your BF talk to his dad about you not going rather than the person doing the prep and the cooking?

I do think it was a bit last minute.

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