Buying a place - ex and current partner

[Lottie2157]

Hello I feel so confused and I don’t know where to turn to. I used to be so sure and confident in my thinking and value myself and over the years I feel so eroded and just don’t know any more. I’m hoping someone can help me make sense of it. I’m sorry if this ends up being so long.

I was in a relationship for 10 years with someone. It was a genuinely good relationship, we got on very well and I think we were very well suited. In the end , we broke up for 3 main reasons and it still hurts me very much now. The first was because my partner’s family who he was very close to disapproved of me ( different culture), the second was that he constantly said we would get married and we never did and the third and this is really the biggest reason for me was that he always promised to help me buy my own place - I have no family and no security and when I was younger I was moved around a lot from pillar to post. He knows all this and the huge anxiety it creates in me and has always said he would help - however the truth is when it came to it, he never did. I work full time and have severe MH issues and these three things really took their toll on me.

Despite it all and I know how it can look on paper, the relationship was a very loving one. He was a huge support to me in almost every other area of my life and helped me in lots of ways. I now have a significant amount of savings as a result of him helping me and instilling in me what I needed to do. He’s never asked for anything back and has never thrown it in my face about how much he’s helped me.

I rent alone and I worry a lot for my future if I cannot afford my own place. For the last year I met someone else and have been in a relationship with them. It’s been very volatile but recently it’s settled down. I’ve been thinking more and more that I really need to buy my own place - I know it would give me security and what I need and my MH would improve significantly. Unfortunately although I have a significant amount of savings now it’s still not enough.

My ex partner has offered to help me with my deposit by giving me a lot of it. I know this time he would do it and there is no obligation on my part to him. I think he has seen me suffer and wants to help and see me move on with my life. If I was single, I would gladly accept. However I’m
Feeling highly anxious because of my current partner. He knows how much I want to Buy a place and has been asking how much I earn, how much I have in savings and saying to me he should sit down with me and see how much I can afford etc. It’s not that I don’t trust him but I don’t want to have these conversations with him but I can’t make up my mind whether I’m being unreasonable or not and pushing him
Away. He would never approve of my ex partner giving me this money and I feel like I shouldn’t accept it because of that. But the truth is I’m not even sure whether this relationship with him will last or not and I just feel so upset or worried st the moment.

If I don’t accept this help from my ex partner it may be another 5-10 years before I can buy a place and I honestly don’t know how I will last that long but maybe I just should.

Thank you if you’ve got to the end of this

From the little you have written about your new relationship, it does not seem to be a one that is making you happy. Quite the opposite in fact. It’s making you anxious. It’s not the norm in new relationships to ask want the other person earns and how much they have in savings. Did the volatile behaviour settle down when he found you had savings?

I don’t really understand what you mean about your ex saying he would help you to buy a house but then he never did. Do you mean financially he would help or that he would help you navigate your way through all the practical stuff?

I think you need to be careful of both men trying to ‘help’ you if they are going to want to put their names on the houses you buy.

Why will you have to wait another five years? Roughly how much have you saved now?

To me, it sounds like you need detailed financial advice.

Thanks for your reply Savoy.

My ex promised to help me buy a place financially. He always said he would help give me money towards it because I didn’t have much or anything but then each time he never did. I think he had his own reasons for this. I think fundamentally at the time he didn’t want to and I wish he had just said that to me. It’s really what caused us to split up as I just felt I didn’t know where I stood with him and it made me so deeply unhappy. I’ve said many times to him if he’d just said he was unwilling to help
Me financially I would have been ok with that and know where I stood but it was the constant promising and breaking of promises that was too much for me. I genuinely don’t think he would behave that way towards me now. I almost had a mental breakdown a while ago and I think he regrets what happened and just wants to see me ok. We were together a long time and he’s not a bad person and there’s a lot of love there. He wouldn’t expect his name to go on the place or anything like that or for me to repay him it back.

The relationship with my current partner has settled down in the last 4-8 weeks. I don’t think it’s because he knew I had savings. I just hate the constant how much do you have, let’s sit down together and look at it all. It feels really intrusive to me. I’ve just sort of batted it off for now. There are lots of reasons I don’t want him looking at what I have saved, partly because he will
Then know what I can afford alone. He will have a lot of opinions on my ex giving me the money And I don’t want him to know about it if I do take it. I suppose I just feel so anxious about everything. I hate being in this position.

I wish really that my ex when we were together had just helped me or not.

I'm not being funny, but I think you're a bit cheeky expecting and relying on your ex for YOUR house deposit

But the new boyfriend doesn't seem to be working out

Oh and the fact you wouldn't and have no intention on paying anything back to your ex.

Stop using him

You don't sound happy with your current partner

I get the feeling you wish you we're still with ex

I think you should split with BF, spend some time alone

And I wouldn't take the money from ex. You would be beholden to him, forever linked. How would you feel if he met someone and married?

I know that independence and security are important to you. Perhaps speak with a financial advisor to create a plan to get a deposit together?

If the ex is prepared to help, then why not?(provided it comes with no strings).
As far as the new man is concerned I'd be suspicious of his motives. It's none of his business how much you earn or how much you've got in savings. Tell him thanks for his interest but you can manage. And he doesn't need to know if ex is contributing. Whatever you do, if you go ahead and buy, make sure the property is in your sole name.

I’m not expecting anything from my ex. This is something he always offered to do from way back when. I wouldn’t ask him to do this and he knows I would have very little way of paying him back. I’m just explaining that if he helps me it is not with strings. It’s just causing me a lot of anxiety. In the past I have been worried about taking his help (and then he’s always had second thoughts about whether he could/wanted to do it as well) but how he recently explained it to me is that a lot of people have help from their parents/family and aren’t too proud or seen as cheeky to accept it. He said you have no one else to help and I can and I want to and you shouldn’t feel any less than any of those other people about accepting it. I see and understand that but I also feel stressed by my current situation and everything that happened between us.

It's sounds odd to me that you're willing to accept actual money from your ex but aren't willing to talk things through with your current boyfriend - it should be the other way round.
Current boyfriend clearly isn't the guy for you.

Ditch your current BF. It will go back to being volatile.

If you feel comfortable with a monetary gift from your Ex...it's up to you. I make no judgement on that.

I would be incredibly wary about your ex and his intentions. He misled you during the 10 years you were together. Offering marriage and a home but never delivering them. I don’t think he is generous, moral or trustworthy. He sounds like a liar and a user. If he spends money on you it will be for his own ends.

I rather hate to say this but having you dependent on him made you available to him. This is what he wants. All he wants.

Just do the right thing which is to save for another 5 years.

I assume the current boyfriend is trying to help you understand affordability and that’s why he is asking questions. He doesn’t deserve to get dragged into your unfinished business with the ex. Nobody does, maybe even you

Definitely don’t involve your new bf. Volatile relationships don’t change.
As to the ex - get some legal advice and make sure you write it all down officially so that the terms are clear.
He is offering to help - and you need help. So - take it, just make sure it’s all clearly defined.

Can you explain what you mean by volatile? Do you mean angry outbursts, emotional cruelty, physical?

From the outside it seems as clear as day that you should finsih wth the new boyfriend. He was unpredictable, (Aggressive? Violent? Abusive? Controlling?). It is not normal to talk about another perosn's money in that way. I suspect he wants you to get a place because he will benefit.

Ex broke promises for 10 years . You were hanging around, he knew you were vulnerable, he kept you there. Now you have eft he knows how to get you back.

Nothing is ever "no strings"

Talk to a financial adviser or search on Rightmove for the smallest place you can find but be independent.

I wish really that my ex when we were together had just helped me or not

Well he didn't. So let that be the end of it. Why would you want to keep ties with an ex? Do not accept money from him. Very rarely would anyone offer it with no strings. Guaranteed he'd be on the scene at a later stage looking for it back when he wants to settle down himself. Forget his offer and move on from him.

As for your recent partner, I wouldn't be giving any financial information away to him at all. If the relationship has been volatile and only settled in recent weeks then you need to think carefully about being with him at all.

I agree with the others that the best option for you is to do this on your own.

I'd be wary that the house your ex helps you buy would have his name on and that then it still wouldn't be 'your home'.

You could end up in a worse situation with the money you have saved being tied up in a property you don't solely own.

There's no such thing as a free lunch OP - so think about that before using your ex for money.
Unless you're buying a house in cash you still won't have the security you're looking for.
Your new landlord will be the mortgage company until you've paid them off.
If you lose your job you won't get help to pay your mortgage, whereas in rented you can claim housing benefit.
If you default on your mortgage payments they can repossess your house - and you lose everything.
You will be financially responsible for all maintenance on the house - whereas in rented your landlord has to foot the cost of new/broken boilers etc.

If you don't feel comfortable telling your bf about your finnaces then don't - trust your gut.

If you do ever get your own house - be careful about moving any partners in.
Get proper legal advice so that you know your house etc is protected from any potential rats.

I think getting further help for your MH issues will do you more good than buying a house.

Your current boyf has to go. He’s going to destroy you. End it ASAP and buy the house you want however you want

You split up with your ex because he didn't give you money to buy a house. Now, you've probably guilted him heavily with your "near-breakdown" and mental health issues, to the point that he is offering to give you money. You're a user. The only person responsible for buying you a house, is you. Stop leeching off this man, and let him get on with his own life.

Ditch your current BF. It will go back to being volatile.

If you feel comfortable with a monetary gift from your Ex...it's up to you. I make no judgement on that.

Agreed.

Have you looked into affordable housing OP? You need a much smaller deposit so you might be able to do that. Details here: www.helptobuy.gov.uk

You split up with your ex because he didn't give you money to buy a house. Now, you've probably guilted him heavily with your "near-breakdown" and mental health issues, to the point that he is offering to give you money. You're a user. The only person responsible for buying you a house, is you. Stop leeching off this man, and let him get on with his own life.

What a needlessly nasty post.

The OP is having mental health difficulties and you decide that’s the perfect time to call her names.

Shame on you.

If I were in your shoes, I would not 'borrow/accept' money from my ex. Even if he came though, which sounds doudtful, you would forever be beholden to him.

Although it is actually quite natural to want to share info about your finances with someone you plan to make a life with, it doesn't sound like your current BF is someone you want to spend your life with. Please don't settle for less than what you deserve - and you deserve better than this. .

Why not keep saving and buy your own place when you can afford it all by yourself. Even if it's tiny, it will be all yours with no strings.

I didn’t split up with my ex because he didn’t give me money. I split up with him because he offered numerous times to help me of his own accord but then didn’t and that made me feel upset and anxious as I felt he wasnt being straight with me. I would have preferred it and been ok with it if he had just been upfront about not wanting to at the time. However I don’t hold it against him. I don’t believe he did it to control me or to be malicious. At least I hope not, but I genuinely think he wasn’t trying to be those things. Also there were other reasons to our break up although that was the primary one for me. But fundamentally he is a good person and I trust him implicitly. I just wonder if it makes things complicated going forward with my current boyfriend.

Thank you for all the other posts. I am thinking it over. I don’t think my current boyfriend is horrible
But he can be very pushy and quite thoughtless at times which made me very unsure including insisting I move in with him when I was happy renting. I also think I was still very sad over the break up of my last relationship and had a lot of barriers up. Recently however we seem to get along a lot better. But I agree. I think I need to sort out my own situation first without his interference. I’m quite private and it takes me a while to let someone in which I think is not a bad thing and that’s why I’m
Hesitant to fully disclose all
My finances to him. He did say the other day he wanted to see them because he was nosey.

I think this is a very strange situation. As you say your MH is bad so why don’t you just forget both men and be by yourself for a bit? Maybe it’s all the bloke stuff that’s making it bad? Stop obsessing about men and what they can/can’t do for you and just settle down and start planning to buy. Just focus on that. How big a place are you looking to buy? You say you can’t afford it. Have you tried looking at a small apartment in a slightly cheaper area? Widen your search area and downsize your requirements. Look at shared ownership? Have you done any of those things? Have you been to a mortgage adviser? There’s lots you can do for yourself here.

It’s not appropriate to accept a large loan (or gift?) from your ex.

Important to stand on your own feet financially.

As your health is an issue, it’d be sensible to live somewhere as cheap as possible, eg shared place, and save up. For a deposit or in case you have a spell of being unable to work or redundancy.

If you need help managing money, advice services are available.

Your new boyfriend doesn’t sound good.

I don't think your current relationship is stable enough to start involving him in your finances and your decisions.

I also wonder why you would accept money from an ex, if he us truly your ex then just cut ties with him.

Ex seems to have used the promise if money as a way of controlling you perhaps and now that you have a new bf perhaps he's trying to wangle his way in again with the same old promise that used to work with you.

I think you need to find your own solution and not rely on someone else to give you money.