Starting new relationship with older man

[LittleMissChloe2111]

I was wondering if anyone in an age-gap relationship can help me. I've been friends with an older man for 18 months and have always had feelings for him. Actually, to tell the truth I'm madly in love with him. I'm recently 30, he just turned 54, and a few days ago he admitted his feelings for me too (yep, over the moon). On the weekend we spent the day together and we're getting close to moving past the friendship but we're both being cautious. We know it'll be an important move and both don't want to make a mistake and hurt each other.
I want to have at least one child, and I know he's already done that a long time ago. It just doesn't feel right to ask about it now but I don't want to find out further down the track if it's not what he wants. Also, I know it sounds shallow, but I don't know how sexually compatible we'd be due to the age gap. Or if that's even a factor.
Then the biggest concern is - when he gets much older I'll likely be caring for him. My parents are his age and I want to be able to care for them when they eventually need it. How could I handle caring for potentially three people when it comes to that?
I know this all sounds cold but I really feel like I need to take this short window of time to assess the situation before I commit to this. TIA

I don't know how sexually compatible we'd be due to the age gap

I wouldn't worry too much about that. He is 54 , not an age when sexual performance would be lacking. My DH is a lot older than that and he has never had a problem.

And to be honest, there is no real reason for you to worry about looking after him / your parents. The idea that they would all need to be cared for, is unlikely to happen. People are more healthy now than in the past - most people in their 80's are still independent and healthy so I wouldn't be too concerned about being a carer for three frail people.

Don't get bogged down with all the "what ifs" . If you love him, go for it !

I think it’s sensible that you have a conversation early on about what you want from life when there is such a huge age gap so don’t feel silly bringing it up. My OH is 16 years older (34 and 50) and we both already had kids and didn’t want more so that was easy enough. We do have discussions about me having to care for him when he is older but his Dad is 84 and very
Independent, hopefully he will follow suit. And I could get ill and he would have to care for me! I have already told him if he doesn’t want to do things (travel etc) once I hit retirement age I will go off and do them myself 😁

If you want children, you are massively wasting your time. Give your head a wobble and acknowledge you are not suited for each other.

It’s so early to be considering a life time with him, have some fun and enjoy yourself and then address this

Thanks MNers, I really appreciate the responses. I've never been a risk taker (surprise!) but maybe I am thinking a bit too far ahead.

In my heart I know if all these factors eventuated (not wanting a baby, him needing a carer etc) I'd still want to be with him at the end of the day. Just feels like stepping into a whole new territory

I'd steer clear. Too much of an age gap. Say things did progress and you ended up married. He'd be nearly 60 as a new dad. Just way too old to have a new baby.

The baby thing is the only real dealbreaker in this.

And at 30, I’d be cautious in throwing myself into relationships that likely won’t lead to kids (if you know you want to try for them). Women your age are notoriously blasé about their own declining fertility, and also how big a deal fertility assistance is.

Have the conversation. The whole conversation. Don’t consider him saying ‘who knows, maybe the baby idea will grow on me’ as a green light. You might discover he’d agree to stopping contraception but be horrified at embarking on fertility treatments. Or grudgingly agreeing now, but with a 5 year cut-off in his mind. Or a million other fixed ideas that will leave you in a very difficult position in 10 years time.

Put limerence aside for a few days, and advocate for your future self (and potential future kids). Limerence will return after the ‘tricky’ conversations. You’ll be very glad you did.

@Skittlesandbeer
I agree with literally everything

Not sure if you're sexualy compatible? Have a couple of shags and find out.

Not sure if you're biologically compatible? Have a shit load of medical procedures and find out (or not)

My DP is 22 years older than me. I am 42. Don't worry about the sexual aspects. Everything works just fine. If you are happy, go for it!

Re kids: Would he be an active, hands-on dad? Does he have a good relationship with the child he had? Older dads who are involved are clearly much better than 32 year old dads who fuck off into the blue yonder.

Re caring: if he is fit and active now, I wouldn't worry. If he is already obese and sedentary... mmm... I probably would back off.

Re sex: In my experience, sex tends to be much better with men in that age bracket. They know what they are doing, generally. Keen on giving women pleasure and not as fucked up by porn as young men often are. They won't run a mile if you don't shave down there and don't necessarily go straight for the porn rough sex stuff.

In the end there are no guarantees in life. You could be the one who gets ill and bedridden. He could give you a baby then cheat and leave you for someone he went to school with.

I would take a chance and not let his age be a deciding factor if everything else is great.

There was 25 years between my parents, they were married 35 years before one passed away. He’d had children years before but then had us, I was born when he was 55, we always laughed we kept him young (he was playing badminton with me aged 70 and sailing too). My father died aged 90, needed no care, my mother died aged 64...I don’t want to think about their sex like but they both seemed happy most of the time!
I guess I’m trying to say life is sadly too short to not try doing things that make you feel warm, happy and loved just because of societal norms.

@MrsTeaspoon that is such a beautiful story and I can't stop smiling after reading it! How lucky they were to have each other and you growing up with so much love at home.

@RiversDisguise he had his son when he was a teenager and raised him as a single dad (mother sadly passed away of a drug overdose very early on). He has a great relationship with his son. He is very fit, outdoorsy and healthy, even inspired me to get a bit healthier!

Good to hear about the sex stuff from a few people

I think he sounds great.

@MrsTeaspoon sorry you lost your parents so closr together. They sound as those they had a really.wonderful marriage.

I dated a guy who was 27 years my senior. He got cancer sadly and died, nevertheless we adored each other and it almost certainly would have lasted. The age difference wasn't really a factor. However that said, the kids thing is. I really don't see how him having kids at his age or older would be sensible. Yes he may live another 40 years, but it's unlikely. Plus you are less likely to conceive naturally with his sperm frankly, plus would he want to have kids now. I think it's ok to bring it up now. Say you're bringing it up because you are really into him.
Other than the kid thing I don't see a problem.

Some men can still perform at 65. Some men struggle at 45.

If you are asking these questions then I would say he is not for you !

My piece is don't go down this road esp the way you are feeling - have a life with someone who can have children and participate in their lives too . It's all very well for people to say age is just a number - it's not . People definitely slow down as they age and men at that age are pretty self centred ( even the best of them ) . I always say there is a reason for the menopause( you basically couldn't be arsed with children when you are older ) - shame there isn't such a reminder for men . Live the life of a young woman .

{The baby thing is the only real dealbreaker in this.

And at 30, I’d be cautious in throwing myself into relationships that likely won’t lead to kids (if you know you want to try for them).}

^This. And you need to talk.

Re the kids thing - I know for sure (because he told me the other night ) that if I didn't already have DD and he hadn't had the snip, my DP would want babies with me.

Any you know what? I would too. Life has no guarantees that any relationship will last if you have kids. Better to have the right dad who didnt live quite as long, than the wrong one who did.

As regards to care for when he is older, I am so glad I am 22 years younger. I can sort all that out for him whilst not needing care myself! If you are the same age, you often both need care at the same time. I don't want that for my DD. But this way, I get to oversee the care for all the people I love whilst (hopefully ) still having all my own marbles.

What I am saying, is that there are pluses and minuses to all relationships. Grab love and happiness where you can. (And yes, the sex is amazing ).

I dunno. My mum is 64, still working, and juggling looking after my 79 year old dad and my 93 year old grandad and she's struggling!! She's close to retiring and this is definitely not how she thought her life would be at this age. (Obviously we are supporting her but the majority of the day to day stuff falls to her)

OP - I really hope you give your head a wobble and think more with a rational side that you seem to have.
I get the lure of a more mature man. And 50yos are that great age when they are - confident and financially sound, and still attractive and virile.
However.....
In another 10, 15 years they won’t be that as much.... and by the time you are 45 - he’ll be almost 70...
Go and meet men that age now - and you’ll see what I mean.
If you think that at 45 you’ll be old and not wanting an energetic partner - you are kidding yourself. You’ll not feel much different to how you are today - and I speak from experience. I am mid 40s - and trust me - 70yos don’t seem remotely attractive to me.

And then again - you speak about yourself and what you want - it not want caring wise.
Imagine your child. And having a dad who both won’t have much energy and will be late 60s as the kid is a teenager, and who even knows how long he’ll be around? Will he make it to you kid’s university age?
Why would you chose that for your child?

Of course this man likes you. He is in the middle of the age when men have mid life crises.... And having a young admirer is great for his confidence. Sorry if you don’t like the sound of it. But it doesn’t make it any less true.

You seem to have been infatuated with him for a while. And as you said he is the age of your parents - i am wondering what else is going on with you and our relationship history.
Are you avoiding younger men due to some underlying fears or insecurities????
Why are you intent to settle down with a father figure?

@SouthernComforts for you and your mum.

I have already told my DP and mum that I will be getting carers in for them. No way could I do it physically as I am disabled. I am happy to do all the "wifework" type of stuff for them and arrange everything but not hands on care.

If worse comes to the worse, I can get them in the same nursing home! They get on like a house on fire anyway

What do you have in common? I think that is key in any relationship. If you have common interests then you have a chance. It’s a big age gap though and becoming a dad again at 55 plus would be no picnic for him!

SuePerbly - thank you . It's not all bad don't get me wrong! We took my grandad abroad the otheryear at 90! But he's going downhill now sadly.

If ur in love with him get him
Out of your system , date him for a bit if you have to .

But don’t make this a long term thing if you want kids .

I find older men who go for much younger men quite selfish when they have kids of their own and yet seek to deprive their partner of having the same experience .

If I were you I would focus on finding someone similar to your age who wants the same things that you do .