Starting new relationship with older man

[LittleMissChloe2111]

I was wondering if anyone in an age-gap relationship can help me. I've been friends with an older man for 18 months and have always had feelings for him. Actually, to tell the truth I'm madly in love with him. I'm recently 30, he just turned 54, and a few days ago he admitted his feelings for me too (yep, over the moon). On the weekend we spent the day together and we're getting close to moving past the friendship but we're both being cautious. We know it'll be an important move and both don't want to make a mistake and hurt each other.
I want to have at least one child, and I know he's already done that a long time ago. It just doesn't feel right to ask about it now but I don't want to find out further down the track if it's not what he wants. Also, I know it sounds shallow, but I don't know how sexually compatible we'd be due to the age gap. Or if that's even a factor.
Then the biggest concern is - when he gets much older I'll likely be caring for him. My parents are his age and I want to be able to care for them when they eventually need it. How could I handle caring for potentially three people when it comes to that?
I know this all sounds cold but I really feel like I need to take this short window of time to assess the situation before I commit to this. TIA

Sorry I meant younger women

I wouldn't worry about the carer bit - it can happen at any age.

If you have acknowledged deeper feeling for each other, presumably you are both saying you would like to take the relationship to the next stage. That being the case, I do not think it is out of order to simply make the point that you would like children. If this blows the relationship out of the water, then so be it - you will have established the parameters and found that they are not acceptable to him. Better to do that now than waste years on a fruitless relationship. I know that sounds harsh, but I think it needs to be out there - if he feels differently then the relationship is not for you.

I’m an advocate of speaking up for your own needs and plans for the future early in a new relationship. I know too many women (who want kids and aren’t getting any younger) who meet a new guy, get carried away, don’t want to raise the kids question too early in case it ‘scares them off/they look desperate’, then six months to a year in when the issue comes up they find out the guy isn’t interested in having a family but now there are feelings involved and other potential ties (I’ve even know women move in and get married without talking about kids).

If you like someone enough to be considering a relationship with them you should be able to be open about what you want from that relationship from the start. At thirty you don’t have all the time in the world to wait and see, you could end up with someone for a few years only to break up and then be in a race against time to quickly find someone to have children with before your fertility goes down the pan (and nobody truly knows how their fertility is until they start trying).

After splitting with my ex over him not wanting kids I knew at 28 that I couldn’t afford to get into another long relationship with a man who wasn’t on the same page and that was part of my criteria for dating somebody seriously. I asked my OH on the second date what he thought about kids and made it clear I planned to start a family within the next two or three years and if that wasn’t his plan too let’s part as friends. My friend couldn’t believe I’d risked ‘scaring him off’ like that, whereas my view was that I wanted to scare a man off who didn’t want kids so that neither of us wasted our time and I could be free to find a guy that did. It’s not like you’re asking to have a baby with them right away, just making sure that if things continue progressing you both have the same goals.

So speak to him! Be honest. See what he wants. There’s no reason you can’t have a family together if that’s what you both want.

I find older men who go for much younger men quite selfish when they have kids of their own and yet seek to deprive their partner of having the same experience

What a weird perspective Flippedout. Do you see women as beings without agency or something? A woman starting a relationship with an older man isn’t too thick to understand the possible consequences nobody is ‘depriving’ anyone of anything when both adults are willingly consenting to the relationship. How incredibly patronising.

From my personal experience age is nothing but a number, if you love each other and are compatible and want the same things then go flt it.
I've been with my husband for 11 years and the is a 19 yr age gap, I'm 33 and hes 52, and we have 3 children together, honestly it's not a big deal! ( but defo ask him about wanting g children) as I can see this being the only bump in your rd.
Fuck what ever anyone ever says, its your life, you only get to live it once, yli dont want to look back on years to come and think what if

Havings kids would be my primary concern.
He's old enough to be a grandad...does he want to do that all over again...or will he agree and all the parenting gets left to you, because you wanted a baby.

Let’s face it , older men with experience are very good at schmoozing much younger women into relationships . I wouldn’t say that the younger women are too thick , which I think was rather unkind of you to suggest , but rather that the younger woman’s lack of equivalent experience may make her vulnerable to engage a situation that her older self would advise her not .

It is a known phenomenon of that the power in the relationships tend not to be balanced .

Of course I wouldn’t say this is true for every relationship , but generally a mans abuse or manipulation of the balance of power in these situations is well recognised to be a an issue in similar relationships , and it would be very naive if one was to ignore the possibility of this dynamic in this situation. If only to allow the the poster to make a sound judgement .

We forget that whatever our poster tells us , only she knows the real dynamic and is in the best judgement to make her choices , what people are putting on here are opinions from their understanding of the situation .

The only thing I would say is be careful - usually men of that age are single for a reason.

I wouldn't worry about the carer bit - it can happen at any age.

Well yeah. But when your partner is a quarter of a century older, it's pretty much bound to happen. As the OP says, he's about the same age as her parents. So while she's still a relatively young woman, say in her mid 40s, he'll be an old man.

I know a lot of people will say age is just a number and their man is 100 years older or whatever, but I'd say think very carefully before committing to a much older man (and yes I'd say the same in the less likely event of the genders being reversed). He's still relatively young now, but it probably won't be long before serious health issues start kicking in. Do you really want that, as a woman in your prime?

My bf of 18 months is 18 years older than me, and we have a great relationship. He’s healthier and fitter than I am! No sexual problems (well he takes cock pills but I think that’s more for his own peace of mind - he can manage fine without them). He’s so thoughtful and loving and I fancy the pants off of him.

The babies thing though - you definitely need to have that conversation. If you’re as close as you say it shouldn’t be a weird thing to bring up. It’s probably at the back of his mind too, he knows how old you are and that you don’t already have kids.