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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What if he turns them against me?

47 replies

Limerickpoem · 20/05/2019 23:52

He won’t leave. He just won’t. If I leave he says he will turn the children against me when he sees them, and will tell them “exactly what you’re like.”

I couldn’t bear to lose them. But this really needs to be over. He’s never been violent or anything but he’s incredibly stubborn and for him everything is about money.

I feel stuck. I’m scared of him and the horrible atmosphere that surrounds him.

How do I do this?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 20/05/2019 23:57

Leave, if you can and if he won't go. Obviously take the dc with you. Then you'll have to just play it by ear. If the dc are old enough to understand, explain to them that daddy's very cross and may say some things that aren't very nice.

Mummaofmytribe · 21/05/2019 00:00

You need to get legal advice asap I'd say. Also if you have any family or friends this is the time you need to ask for help. But definitely find out your legal rights so you can get rid of him. The kids won't turn against you. It's an empty, nasty threat.

Original poster
Limerickpoem · 21/05/2019 00:07

My solicitor says I must not move out.

I have an ok support network. My credit rating is shot so I won’t pass a credit check for renting and I’m on the mortgage here.

I have absolutely no doubt that he will refuse to pay child support direct to me. And will also attempt to have the kids with him as much as poss to keep his liability down.

And he will argue every last point to the death.

OP posts:
Original poster
Limerickpoem · 21/05/2019 00:08

He already is verbally abusive in front of the children - your mother is useless/whore/lazy etc. What on earth would he be like behind my back?

OP posts:
gamedout · 21/05/2019 04:05

I understand how you feel. What else has your solicitor advised? Have they advised on next steps? He will have to pay maintenance. CMS will take it directly from him. Do you have any other assets? Is there any equity in the property?

gamedout · 21/05/2019 04:06

Have you told the solicitor that he’s verbally abusive?

Original poster
Limerickpoem · 21/05/2019 08:49

No I haven’t told the solicitor that. I saw them last year for an initial appointment but then we sort of patched it up and stumbled on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Limerickpoem · 21/05/2019 08:52

You have to understand what he’s like. He’s very very dogged and details focussed and hates change. He sees this as his house and he never ever would leave and whilst I understand the legal side of things to an extent, in practical terms I’m terrified of what he would do.

OP posts:
Summerorjustmaybe · 21/05/2019 08:56

I left such a 'd' h. He did indeed spew venom at the dc.
At 12 +14 they went nc with him. I left the house. It was repossessed. I rent. Mh is more important than a mortgage ime.
He is a lonely old man.
I am remarried and very happy. Dc saw HIM for what he was. His plan backfired greatly.
How old are your dc op? They must be aware who is the loving decent dp?

Branleuse · 21/05/2019 08:59

try and get a record of him saying that somehow get him to text it, or somehow record him. Then keep it safe and dont let him know youve got it. Judges would not like that at all in an access battle

Original poster
Limerickpoem · 21/05/2019 09:38

The children are primary age.

How can I rent if my credit rating is shot? He’s v controlling over money and has literally thousands at his disposal. I’m on max dose of anti depressants trying to hold it all together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Limerickpoem · 21/05/2019 09:41

If I start proceedings and he won’t move out, then what? I’m sorry I sound so crap and weak and negative. I’m lost. What’s the first thing I need to do?

OP posts:
Summerorjustmaybe · 21/05/2019 10:13

Work reference? Mortgage payment statements? Personal refs? Speak to CAB. And those savings you mention are 50%yours...

TougheningUp · 21/05/2019 10:15

If you're married then the house belongs to both of you, not just him.

If he's being abusive to you, you can get an emergency injunction to get him out of the house. The NCDV can help you with this.

ncdv.org.uk

Start to keep a journal and detail his behaviour. Best not to do this in a form he could discover. You can keep an online journal by using an incognito window in your browser, then opening a new gmail account there. So long as you only ever log into it on an incognito window there will be no record of it on your computer's history. Just make sure you remember the password etc, and don't link it to any other gmail accounts you might have as he could find it from there.

The next time he kicks off, try to record him. Then contact the NCDV as soon as you can, and they can walk you through getting that injunction to get him out of the house. You have to do this within a few days of the event, though, or he might be notified. Once that injunction is served, he can be jailed for up to five years if he breaks it.

Once he's out of the house you'll have some space to sort yourself out. Find a good lawyer, now, and start putting things together for a divorce. Your husband might not want to give you any money but you're married, and you own half of everything.

Best of luck, OP.

VioletCharlotte · 21/05/2019 10:23

I was in a similar position (not married though) and I left in the end with my DC as my ex was making my life hell and I was concerned for my safety and the impact his behaviour was having on my children's well-being. It caused me no end of financial difficulties, but I still believe it was the right thing to do.

Renting - do you have a deposit? How bad is your credit record? If defaults/ late payments you should be ok, so long as the affordability check stacks up. It's normally only unsettled CCJs that they don't like.

Original poster
Limerickpoem · 21/05/2019 10:43

There is plenty of equity in the house. I have no access to his savings and at one point he moved some out of cash into physical items and I don’t know where they are.

He wasn’t always this controlling. At the moment he’s a weird mix of controlling and rejecting all rolled up and he’s becoming more and more narrow in his habits. Change is not tolerated. Christ how did I get here? I am so scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
Limerickpoem · 21/05/2019 10:45

I don’t have a deposit. My credit rating is shot because I have a defaulted credit card debt. There is some stuff I could sell to get some cash for a deposit,

The children love their home and they love him too. I’d be blowing all that apart. And yet how can we go on like this?

OP posts:
springydaff · 21/05/2019 11:10

I'm so sorry you're going through this Flowers

Contact your local womens aid to get some essential support and advice. They know their stuff.

There is growing pressure for a law against parental alienation re coercive control. You aren't the only one in this situation and, sorry to say, it's a very real threat.

This is domestic abuse/coercive control and you are legally protected. The kids should not be living in this home with an abuser. Womens Aid will show you the ropes and support you to get legal support to get him out - and to protect your children from his abuse.

Mymessymind · 21/05/2019 11:16

I divorced a man like this and it took years and involved the courts, police etc. He doesn’t see the dc any more and doesn’t pay child maintenance (won’t work.)

It was horrendous and cost thousands and yes the children did suffer.

Sometimes I think it would have been easier to stay with him.

I would say brace yourself and act on legal advice. That’s all you can do.

BaaLamby · 21/05/2019 11:18

Call women’s aid and rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Summerorjustmaybe · 21/05/2019 12:12

You need to stash cash for a deposit /legal team. Cashback at the supermarket maybe?

Original poster
Limerickpoem · 21/05/2019 12:33

Thankyou, all of you. I’m trying to get my head around it all.

Mymessymind what happened? What advice would you give yourself now, knowing what you do?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 21/05/2019 13:12

Definitely contact Womens Aid.
He is verbally and financially abusing you.
He is controlling and a bully.
They can help you with local solicitors who are used to dealing with abusive assholes.
They can also help you with an exit plan.
So try to get through to them asap.
You will need to keep trying. They are very busy.
Your DC are probably well aware already of what a nasty piece of work he is.
They will figure out what he is really like pretty early on.
You will just need to keep re-enforcing the fact that you love them and so does he but he has issues with you and that's why he is horrid about you. They will soon hate the way he talks about you.
I'm assuming you are married, so everything he has is also yours.
See what information you can gather when he is out about savings, assets, etc.....

Original poster
Limerickpoem · 21/05/2019 13:21

They are starting to be disrespectful to me because they are copying him. I don’t put up with it from them but that’s what’s happening. One called me a “lazy bitch” at the weekend. Sad I went bananas and he apologised but all the same...
They also say things like “daddy paid for this so he is the boss and you have to do what he says.”Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Limerickpoem · 21/05/2019 13:22

I know this is going to sound like I’m putting off for the sake of it but I don’t think it’s bad enough to call women’s aid and he’s not violent and I’d hate to take up their time when there are women in real danger who need their help.

OP posts:
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