What if he turns them against me?

[Limerickpoem]

He won’t leave. He just won’t. If I leave he says he will turn the children against me when he sees them, and will tell them “exactly what you’re like.”

I couldn’t bear to lose them. But this really needs to be over. He’s never been violent or anything but he’s incredibly stubborn and for him everything is about money.

I feel stuck. I’m scared of him and the horrible atmosphere that surrounds him.

How do I do this?

You and your poor DC ARE in danger.
You are continuing the cycle of abuse.
They are already copying him.
They will end up like him or with someone like him.
Would you want that for them?
Because that is exactly what is going to happen.
When he abuses you he also abuses them.
It's now recognised that DC growing up like this are being just abused as the parent.
Only YOU can put a stop to this.
With the help of Womens Aid it will be much easier.
They are a Domestic ABUSE body, not Domestic VIOLENCE.
It has been shown that the psychological abuse is just as much, if not more damaging that physical abuse.
You are already on the highest dose of AD's that you can be.
He's driven you to this.
Don't allow him all this power.
Stop making excuses.
Contact Womens Aid.
Contact Rights of Women
Contact Shelter
Contact CAB
Get your DC out of that horrendous environment.

In that case it would definitely be better for your children if you separated from him. They need to have good behaviours modelled for them, and to not carry on learning the things he's teaching them.

Could you stay with family for a while OP?

No rely at women’s aid so trying the others.

But like, what happens next? He comes home from work predictably trying to be nice after last night’s drama, and I do what? Tell him I’m getting a non-molestation order? Call the police? Give him time to pack? What? He will go fucking bananas, go to the pub and then come home and give me a load more verbal horribleness.

No, staying with family isn’t an option.

I feel like getting the kids from school and just driving as far away as possible.

In my case the divorce was messy as exh was awkward about everything. The house had to be sold (court ordered.)

I did contact women’s aid but in my case they only offered a listening ear really even though the dc and I were at risk of becoming homeless due to ex’s behaviour.

Police were supportive but said it was a civil matter and advised me to do everything through a solicitor.

Looking back I suppose things might have been slightly easier if I had started divorce proceedings straight away as ex was slightly more amenable in the early days. Things dragged on for years and he got more angry and dogged. It sounds like your h is already at the difficult stage.

Hope he goes well goes to the pub. Let him kick off. You ring the police and have him removed.

Would they come out if he wasn’t actually hurting me physically?

Generally I just stay out of the way and pretend to be asleep in one of the kids rooms.

Mymessymind do you regret it?

That said, he was stone cold sober when he kicked off last night.

This is abuse.
You are in real danger- and so are your children.
Hells has given you a good list of resources- make some calls.
There is always a way out.

There is a risk your dc also become bullies if you don't get them safe op...

I’ve borrowed a friend’s holiday house for next week so we will all have a few days apart and can hopefully move on sensibly from there.

I keep repeating in my head “he doesn’t make the rules.” For years he’s told me that he does.

Contact your local council and get yourself on the housing list, get to your GP and admit to them what this is doing to your mental health and your children's. Ask the school home liaison person for advice. There really is a lot of help out there and the courts are taking parental alienation seriously. Take small steps and you will get there

You sound so ground down.

Try to notice when you're saying negative things about yourself.

Make an effort to remember all the ways you're brilliant and worthwhile and accomplished.
Even if you have to make a list.

What he's doing is wrong.
I agree with others it's good if he puts it in writing

It's bad for you but also bad for the children too. He's making the choice to behave this way and it's wrong.

It will help you if you visit the gp to discuss the abuse, then tell the council you are fleeing domestic abuse- it doesn't have to be violence. Do this for your children, as well as for yourself.

All I would say is, whatever you decide to do, don't leave the children with him. A close friend of mine did this as she couldn't stand to live with her 'd'h any longer, so she moved out with a plan to move the children out with her, however, he turned the children against her. Classic parental alienation. She hasn't seen her children for 3 years now as they want nothing to do with her. He's completely rewritten history, made up an affair, said that she left them and not him and constantly turns on the tears.
Dont give him the chance to do that as it's costly to prove parental alienation in the courts, so if you don't have the money to do it, you can't request that it's investigated. Crappy court system that only works if you've got the money to pay for it and for those who have no money, then it's tough shit!

But like, what happens next? He comes home from work predictably trying to be nice after last night’s drama, and I do what? Tell him I’m getting a non-molestation order? Call the police?

Read my posts in this thread, OP.

What you do is you try to record him if he does kick off tonight, but don't put yourself in danger to do that. And as soon as he's next out of the house, send the NCDV an email or phone them, and ask for their help. They'll help you get him out of the house, and once that happens you'll be safer, and will have space to think and plan.

Just to confirmhe doesn't have to hit you or assault you for you to get an injunction to keep him out of the house. If he's abusive towards you in any wayand he clearly is, the shouting and swearing and name calling is enough--then you can get him out.

Limerick you can't deal with this like a normal break up as if he will discuss the relationship and agree you would be better apart, then plan to co parent. You have to recognise that he is an abuser and a threat to you and your children, and plan your exit with all the help that is available. Gp to document the abuse, even if you chat with a nurse, then the school, women's aid website can advise, talk to a housing officer and tell them what he has threatened. Normal partners do not threaten anything, they care about their children's welfare. You are so brave even writing on a forum admitting to yourself and others that there is a problem.

I have already been keeping a note of the bad stuff, Tougheningup. I wasn’t doing it for evidence as such. In a weird way if I hadn’t made a note I’d almost block it out. It’s hard to describe. I just turn right and continue.

And yes to recording. Sorted that. I’ve broken out in a rash.

It's almost automatic to block it out.
Self preservation.

The skills you need to cope in an abusive relationship are almost the opposite to the skills you need to escape.
Go at a pace that feels safe for you