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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage advice required please

42 replies

Ocotpus · 20/05/2019 19:17

Hi all. I’m new to mumsnet, so be gentle!!

First a bit of background. My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 4. We have one daughter 2 and a half.

In October last year we were involved in a car accident where my foot slipped off the clutch (from a stationary position) and bumped the van in front. The impact was enough for us to loose our unborn child. My wife was 6 weeks at the time of accident.

I beat myself up bad over it. I would cry myself to sleep etc etc. The main thing that got me through was my daughter and my wife. She said it was an accident no ones fault, dont blame yourself etc.

Fast forward to March and my wife sits me down and tells me she hates me and no longer loves me. She has felt like this since the accident, but was hoping she would get over it but can’t, she blames me entirely for the whole situation.

It hit me hard. My whole world has been rocked. She admits she never got the chance to grieve etc. So we have decided to get her professional councilling.

I’m hoping if she can get her head sorted and grieves for our loss, she realises she doesn’t hate me and doesn’t blame me and we can get our marriage back on track. Am I being naieve? Is everything lost? I really don’t know what to do. I have no one i can talk to, thats why I’m here!

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks I advance

OP posts:
thisisacrazyidea · 20/05/2019 19:25

From the accident you describe it’s almost inconceivable that that was the cause of your wife’s miscarriage. Foetuses are pretty hardy things, and at 6 weeks they are so well cushioned that your wife could not have lost the baby without having major physical trauma herself. If your wife wasn’t injured, then the crash wasn’t the cause of the miscarriage. 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Your wife is obviously grieving for the loss of the baby, but it isn’t your fault.

lickencivers · 20/05/2019 19:35

Firstly I'm sorry your wife lost a pregnancy.

I find it very very hard to think it likely that the nature of your RTC caused a miscarriage.

Don't blame yourself. Why did you?

Original poster
Ocotpus · 20/05/2019 19:52

Hi lickencivers. Thanks for the kind words. I blame myself because i was the driver. Up until that point we were having a normal healthy pregnancy. As soon as the RTC occurred thats when it all went downhill, so obviously it my fault. I have accepted that fact and have moved on. It’s the here and now I’m struggling to deal with.

OP posts:
Halo84 · 20/05/2019 19:52

I agree with the previous posters. Unless your wife was seriously injured, the accident likely did not cause her miscarriage. Miscarriages at that stage typically are the result of a foetal abnormality.

RandomMess · 20/05/2019 19:58

The miscarriage was not related to the accident, it's impossible...

PJ67 · 20/05/2019 20:03

I would agree with the others, the miscarriage is much more likely to be something that would have happened anyway and the accident was a coincidence. Did she ask her doctor about this at the time? Is it worth speaking to the doctor about it now?

madcatladyforever · 20/05/2019 20:03

Are you sure about that? I fell down a concrete flight of stairs from top to bottom when I was pregnant and didn't miscarry.
I think you need a medical opinion on that one as it could just be coincidental.
It sounds like your wife has not grieved properly and really does need that counselling.

QuickQuestion2019 · 20/05/2019 20:04

Agree with everyone else, it's impossible you caused miscarriage unless your wife was seriously injured

Treacletoots · 20/05/2019 20:09

Oh OP. I'm so sorry for your loss, but you did not cause it. I fell over a fair few times when pregnant thanks to the old wobbly ankles and even once down stairs when about 8 months and nothing.

The chances of a miscarriage before 8 weeks are incredibly high and nearly always down to an abnormality. I worked in IVF for a long time so please believe me when I say this, there's no way that caused the miscarriage.

So sorry for your loss, you both need counselling to help you through this Flowers

TemporaryPermanent · 20/05/2019 20:22

I agree totally that you both need counselling for your loss and to be able to move forward together.

Original poster
Ocotpus · 20/05/2019 20:29

Hi everyone. Thanks for the kind words. I think deep down i know it wasn’t my fault, but the RTC just seems like the easiest solution. My wife doesn’t want couples therapy. In her own words she “wants to get her own head sorted before deciding if we can move forward together” My question is, what shall I do just now? Stand by her? Move out? Being told she hates me and doesn’t love me has really thrown my world upside down. I don’t know what to do for the best

OP posts:
CupoTeap · 20/05/2019 20:36

I had an accident whilst in early pregnancy similar to what you described- I truly do not believe it is possible it caused your death to lose the baby.

That said I completely understand why you both think it did.

Counselling will be good for her. Whether it can bring you back together, no one can predict.

DharmaInitiativeLady · 20/05/2019 20:38

I'm so sorry for your loss but the accident you described did not cause the miscarriage and it isn't reasonable at all to blame you

Windmillwhirl · 20/05/2019 21:02

She is being incredibly unreasonable. She wants to blame you instead of herself. Not that it is her fault either, but perhaps she can't reconcile with the idea miscarriages happen.

Please stop blaming yourself.

cakeandchampagne · 20/05/2019 21:13

Sorry for your loss, but it is unlikely the miscarriage was caused by a minor car accident. Consult a doctor- and take your photos of the crashed car to show them the vehicle damage.

SignedUpJust4This · 20/05/2019 21:17

Your wife is grieving and anger is a part of that but she's wrong about the RTC. You both need counselling and medical opinion although it sounds she may be past that stage. Sorry this has happened to you. It's not your fault.

letsdolunch321 · 20/05/2019 21:20

Sorry for you loss, I would suggest that you go with what your wife asks of you.

She may be ok with you living in the house or she may prefer you to move out. I understand the situation at home must be tense but you need to communicate rather than treading on each others toes

SignedUpJust4This · 20/05/2019 21:21

I'm sure you were upset about the loss too. Did you speak to your wife about that? Often in these situations men try to be strong and silent and that leads the women to think they don't even care. Maybe she feels alone in her grief and that feeds her anger. Tell her how you felt on that day and after the loss.

whatthehe11 · 20/05/2019 21:31

I'm sorry for your loss. Like other posters have said, unless your wife was badly injured it is extremely unlikely that the bump did not cause a miscarriage.

Ive had more miscarriages (late at 5 months, ectopic, early etc) than I care to remember. It wasn't until we did ivf that the penny finally dropped - to a certain degree external factors are entirely irrelevant. I was jubilant at having 4 "top grade" embryos to freeze. Because of my history we decided to genetically test the embryos. Results were that all 4 would 99.9% resulted in a miscarriage andeven if they had survived would have meant severe heart and brain defects that would have likely resulted in death within a year. so you see, even if I'd been wrapped in cotton wool, had they been implanted I would have miscarried anyway.

Apologies for the long post, but long story short please don't beat yourself up about this. It is hard enough without shouldering the guilt of feeling the miscarriage is your fault. Good luck to you.

Original poster
Ocotpus · 20/05/2019 21:32

Yeah my wife knew/knows how I felt. A few weeks after the accident I broke my heart to her at 3 in the morning. She knew how upset and guilty I felt about it. But she reassured me then that it was just an accident and she didnt blame me, but now she says she does

OP posts:
whatthehe11 · 20/05/2019 21:32

*ISNT your fault!!!! Not is sorry 🤦‍♀️

FuriousVexation · 21/05/2019 02:57

This must have been very hard on you both, I'm sorry. But as all the PP have a said, a minor collision resulting in no injuries would not cause a miscarriage.

Is there an underlying issue which your DW might be transferring her anger from and might be fixable with counselling?

Scott72 · 21/05/2019 04:35

"before deciding if we can move forward together"

if you can move forward together? She's thinking of divorcing you over something that is almost certainly not your fault? You should see a doctor which should helpfully confirm it wasn't your fault. Then you need to stop acknowledging guilt for this. Its not helpful for you, or for her.

notapizzaeater · 21/05/2019 05:14

Your wife needs to talk to someone as do you.

She's not being fair here but she needs to realise this and counselling can help.

adayatthebeach · 21/05/2019 05:17

I think she is going through stages of grief and if you could just hang in there while she goes through the counseling there is hope. Support her all you can.

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