Marriage advice required please

[Ocotpus]

Hi all. I’m new to mumsnet, so be gentle!!

First a bit of background. My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 4. We have one daughter 2 and a half.

In October last year we were involved in a car accident where my foot slipped off the clutch (from a stationary position) and bumped the van in front. The impact was enough for us to loose our unborn child. My wife was 6 weeks at the time of accident.

I beat myself up bad over it. I would cry myself to sleep etc etc. The main thing that got me through was my daughter and my wife. She said it was an accident no ones fault, dont blame yourself etc.

Fast forward to March and my wife sits me down and tells me she hates me and no longer loves me. She has felt like this since the accident, but was hoping she would get over it but can’t, she blames me entirely for the whole situation.

It hit me hard. My whole world has been rocked. She admits she never got the chance to grieve etc. So we have decided to get her professional councilling.

I’m hoping if she can get her head sorted and grieves for our loss, she realises she doesn’t hate me and doesn’t blame me and we can get our marriage back on track. Am I being naieve? Is everything lost? I really don’t know what to do. I have no one i can talk to, thats why I’m here!

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks I advance

How was your wife following the miscarriage? You say that you hold a lot of blame, cried yourself to sleep and broke your heart to her at 3am. When was her time to fall apart and grieve? I've seen this play out a few times both in my marriage and with friends. Women have a tendency to hold it together but still fall apart inside. They end up supporting their partners and setting aside their own feelings to do so. Could this be what has happened. We are working through our experience with individual and couples counselling. You absolutely need to stop blaming yourself for the miscarriage because it would not have caused it. You may need to think back to that time and whether you were able to support your wife or if your grief and guilt were such that she actually ended up supporting you.

Keep going. It must be very hard when you are faced with hostility, but it does sound like grief. I suppose you might feel you are making things worse not better - but I’m sure ensuring all chores etc are done and offering to be there for her (even if she rejects it) will help. I found watching an addictive tv show helped distract myself when I was feeling bad - it’s not a solution, but helps give you time to process.

Ps - I agree with almost every PP here that the miscarriage at this early stage was not due to the accident. It will take both of you time to accept this, but go to a GP because you and your wife need to hear it from them.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

Really appreciate it.

I agree with others this is prety much impossible to be the cause of the miscarriage....however l am so very sorry.

Op. I've just realised my post had a gaping typo in it and I'm so very sorry. I meant to say it was extremely unlikely the bump had any effect, not that it did.

Whatthehe11 no need to apologise i thought u meant unlikely anyway!

Hi op and sorry you have found yourself in this situation. Although you say you feel and except the fault was yours and the guilt, I also wouldn't say you were responsible for your wife's miscarriage, it could have been happening anyway as it's still early stages of pregnancy but either way please don't beat yourself up for what was an accident! It sounds to me like your wife is still grieving and trying to process the loss,she is probably feeling very hurt and depressed and is venting and taking her frustrations out on you,stay in your home and support your wife as best you can,show her love but give her space and time. But also you should go to therapy too so you can work on yourself while she is working on herself... and hopefully you will both be ready to put it in the past and move forward together. best of luck

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Show your wife this thread.

If it was just a little jerk and bump the I agree with other posters. Sounds like you were stationery, which just means a little jerk.

Maybe don't show her this thread. As other people have said she hasn't got over it and God forbid she is using this as an excuse to get out. At least you can rest assured from all the posts that it wasn't your fault, so try not to shoulder the guilt and you need to explain to your wife that looking into it, it was unlikely to be the accident.

Unless the rtc was different to how you describe, it's highly unlikely it caused the miscarriage. But she's grieving, can you suggest counselling? For most of us it's pretty pointless but a good counsellor (not relate, a proper one) may get her to realise how much she's grieving and blaming you. That said it could have just triggered something she already felt, but counselling could help her and you to understand too

I hope I'm not repeating what anyone else has said but I think if your wife absolutely won't go to counselling you should go alone. It will help you sort out what you want to do about this situation. It's often better to make major decisions like this with some help rather than alone. It gives you more than one perspective.

Hi everyone.

Just to answer some of your questions:

Blackcat86 – she never really grieved that I saw. A few days later she was back at work so maybe yeah she never grieved.

Namenic – my wife knows I’m always there for her, if been telling her that for 13 years. Yes I’m doing all the household chores, as much as I can with our daughter etc.

lovebeingmum9 – I’m not going to walk out and leave her. I ask at least twice a day how she is, does she need to talk etc. when she decides she wants to go out with friends, she goes.

Madcatladyforever – I have been paying for a private counselor. My wife has had 3 weekly sessions with another one today. She will be going to this counselor every week for the foreseeable future. Personally I don’t need counselling. I have came to terms with what happened. I know it was an accident and I don’t blame myself. The doctor at the hospital said he couldn’t rule out the RTC was the cause, but there are many different factors that could have been at play.

Wee update – two days ago I sat her down to have a wee chat. She said the councellor is helping, but really hurting having to talk about feelings she doesn’t want to. The councilor had advised she confide in her best friend, which she has been doing, my wife says this also helps.

I asked about us. She said she doesn’t wasn’t to be married, but doesn’t want to be single. She’s only interested in being “happy within herself” I’m not too sure what that last statement means tho!

Looks like it’s gonna be a long long road ahead, but I’m not going to give up on her & our family.

Thanks again everyone

I asked about us. She said she doesn’t wasn’t to be married, but doesn’t want to be single. She’s only interested in being “happy within herself” I’m not too sure what that last statement means tho!

That sounds like a separate issue to the miscarriage. You say you have another little one? It could be that your wife feels she has lost some of her identity since becoming a mum - lots of women feel this way. A lot of us have been there and it can feed into other insecurities and lower self esteem.

I'd keep on as you are and give her some space, but I do feel for you. You sound very supportive and have her best interests at heart. I'd encourage her to keep talking to someone and hope she does start to unpick what is going on.

Your wife is blaming you so she doesn't blame herself however a miscarriage is no one's fault. A minor accident as you described didn't cause the miscarriage. It's cruel to project on you as you are grieving as well but that's how grief is-it makes us all irrational and angry. I think you could use counseling as well-please don't accept the blame she is casting your way. A trauma like this will make or break a relationship so prepare yourself

was the pregnancy planned or an accident?
sounds to me like she's using the miscarriage as an excuse to get out of the marriage she doesn't want to be in.

Pinkmonkeybird - she did mention she felt like a mummy rather than a woman since our daughter was born.

Savingspaces2019 - yes the pregnancy was planned. Why?