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Original poster

Is this cheating?

33 replies

hannah05081991 · 20/05/2019 09:04

Found out that my DP went to a strip club on a work night out. He works in the city and was supposed to be taking his junior out for lunch to celebrate his promotion. He text me twice to say he was about the get the train home and just didn’t come home. I kept ringing and calling and apparently annoyed him so much he lied and stayed out instead. The texting and the calling I can admit is annoying.. but he’s had bad form for this in the past and lied to me about where he was. Like, a lot. I Never EVER used to be like this but he’s a really bad drunk and it’s definitely an issue in our relationship.

I am also on maternity leave at home with our baby and suffering from PND.

When he finally came home at home midnight (bearing in mind he left for work at 7am and started drinking at 1pm) we had a massive row. I stupidly went on his phone as he was texting his friend (never EVER read his phone before but in all honestly wanted to see if he was moaning about me to his mates) and saw some graphic messages to his friend about what he did to stripper and what the stripper did to him. He lied and said it was “lads banter” and he’d made it up because he was drunk and showing off. He said the only time he’d been to a strip club was when he went on a stag do in Amsterdam (when I was 8 weeks postpartum and tbh was ok with as I assumed there was a big group and only the stag would get a lap dance).

I asked again the next morning and he admitted he’d “bought his junior to a lap dance to celebrate his promotion” He was adamant he didn’t have a lap dance himself but I keep going over these graphic text messages in my head and I just feel betrayed by it all.

He has apologised but not without blaming me for going on his phone (has always told me he had nothing to hide and Lo and behold the one time I looked guess what I found!). I said if he didn’t lie to me I wouldn’t be worried about what he’s getting up to. He apologised for the strip club and said he would never go again and wouldn’t of gone in the first place if he knew I was going to get upset. I don’t really believe that though as if I hadn’t seen the message I never would’ve known he had gone there. I also feel like he is excusing his behaviour by celebrating his juniors promotion. This guy is 21 and single... my DP is 30 and has a child at home.

Has anyone else ever been in the same situation? I feel sick and my opinion of him has changed completely. It’s the graphic messages more than anything that have broken me.

OP posts:

EmeraldRubyShark · 20/05/2019 09:12

Of course it’s fucking cheating. What a scumbag. With a new baby at home too. Get rid. You deserve to respect yourself.

BricksInTheWall · 20/05/2019 09:28

Were they graphic enough to sound believable? I thought most strip clubs have a very strict no touching policy for men so what exactly is he saying he did to her? Did he pay for a private dance? Because that's the only way he could text his mate drunkenly showing off about what he did etc otherwise mate would know it's a lie as he'd have been right there whilst he had his dance.

Either way, he seems to be a lying, untrustworthy misogynistic fucker. Get rid for your own mental health would be my advice.

Moralitym1n1 · 20/05/2019 09:31

It's cheating to me, yes.

He sounds like he's lying about having a 'lap dance' himself too.

Nice attitude in life that you buy a sex worker to grind naked on someone to celebrate a promotion; what's wrong with a drink and congratulations. I'm aware that it's common in the city but that's just toxic masculinity in its purest firm.

This would make me want to end it if I had no kids- if he did this while I was at home looking after his (young) child, I'd probably end up arrested. Mine did this on a stag do, apparently didn't have a private dance and our relationship barely survived.

Moralitym1n1 · 20/05/2019 09:32

And I mean barely. I also went to a male lap dancing club and had several private dances and made sure he knew I was planning and executing it. Funny how that helps them understand how it feels to be on the receiving end.

This is worse than my circumstances back then though.

Moralitym1n1 · 20/05/2019 09:35

Were they graphic enough to sound believable? I thought most strip clubs have a very strict no touching policy for men so what exactly is he saying he did to her?

Biggest fallacy ever! Depends on club and stripper.

Also the stripper's have significant contact with them without men needing to touch. The idea is to rub their vulva and ass on the men's dick through his trousers to stimulate him, you know.

Hanab · 20/05/2019 09:37

More happened .. 🤷🏻‍♀️ And yes in my eyes its cheating .. he is minimising your feelings knowing he is in the doghouse ..
He is deflecting blame on to you is a sign of a guilty person in my opinion.

Moralitym1n1 · 20/05/2019 09:38

He was drunk in a lap dancing club where strippers aim is to get men to pay for private dances, his colleagues were doing it. He says to his colleagues he did it and describes it (the boosting and sleazing and mental masturbation sharing alone is pretty sickening) .... He tells his wife he didn't and just made it up.

What's more likely? Seriously.

poweroverme · 20/05/2019 09:44

@Moralitym1n1 you know this how?

In the uk your not allowed to touch the strippers and they aren't allowed to touch you. There's actually a distance between you and the client, which is observed by cameras. It's the law otherwise the club gets fined or shut down.

I don't know Op if your dp cheated but he doesn't sound like he respects the relationship at all.

hdw05081991 · 20/05/2019 09:47

I’m being made to feel like I am overreacting and yes, my fault for looking on his phone!

He did explain you’re not allowed to touch them or whatever. I don’t believe for one second he didn’t have a lap dance because I’m sure he knows that’d be the straw that breaks the camels back.

The messages... I mean, just seeing him talking about a woman, any woman, like that to his friend. It’s completely changed my opinion of him. I hate his work environment and this masculine culture of “client drinks” and all that rubbish. I wouldn’t dream of talking about another man and what I could do in a sexually explicit way. To me, that is a line crossed and I don’t know how we can get back from that.

Moralitym1n1 · 20/05/2019 09:47

*@Moralitym1n1 you know this how?

How do you think?

The law and what happens in practice are two very different things.

Do you really think the staff have the time to watch every camera every minute in often quite dark club conditions? Do you really think they always report it if something is happening. Do you really think the police always get involved or shut them down? I know police in London who use brothels.

Moralitym1n1 · 20/05/2019 09:49

Plus as I said it doesn't matter if they get to grope/finger whatever the lap dancer; in a private dance clients expect lap/crotch contact and they get it.

Several exposes have been done on clubs in the UK demonstrating that.

dilly123 · 20/05/2019 09:49

You are well within your rights to be fuming about this.. I'd be too. Apart from the obvious lack of respect of all women visiting a club like this shows it would be the deceit that I'd have trouble getting past.. he knew you would be upset that's why he ignored your calls & messages but disregarded how you would feel. Yes it's common in some worlds to visit places like that with colleagues or clients but it's definitely antiquated & something to be ashamed of! I'd have real trouble getting passed this but wouldn't feel it worthy of ending my relationship as long as nothing more physical happened that could compromise his sexual health. I think it would take me a long time to forgive & definitely a promise he will never visit such a place again with the knowledge if he does it's over.

Moralitym1n1 · 20/05/2019 09:51

Also the stripping completely naked, grinding, jiggling etc at close quarters is quite enough for stimulation, even if you are naive enough to think that strippers strictly maintain a gap (which they don't).

TheFaerieQueene · 20/05/2019 09:53

Well he has a nice healthy attitude to women doesn’t he!

hdw05081991 · 20/05/2019 09:54

I definitely don’t want our relationship to end but I do feel like it’s going to take me a long time to get over it. We were discussing something else via text this morning whilst he’s at work and at the end he said I love you and I just thought .. ew no thanks.

loz1986 · 20/05/2019 09:57

I hate it when men try to downplay stuff like this! It's awful.. huni u should run for the hills! It's quite obvious that he has no respect and neither apparently do his work mates.. who brags about a stripper to their mates when there partner is at home with a baby! What do they think of him??? I have no idea but if it was me and another woman was telling me that and I knew her circumstances I would be horrified!

Moralitym1n1 · 20/05/2019 09:57

In general on this theme, I often wonder too if the sexual interaction with strippers etc. makes men more likely to ok themselves sexual interaction with any other woman if they got the opportunity. The barrier is already breached) compromised. Unfortunately we're never going to get figures in how much more likely to cheat men who go into strip clubs are.

loz1986 · 20/05/2019 10:02

By what u have just said it sounds like it's over... once a line has been crossed like that U have to be a very strong and determined person to get over it otherwise ul end up just punishing him and remain in a toxic environment. Think u need to think about your own mental health and your babies. X

HJWT · 20/05/2019 10:18

If my DH ignored my calls and texts then I read that his bags would be packed, no exceptions! What if something had happened to you or DC? Just vile excuse for a man.

poweroverme · 20/05/2019 10:30

@Moralitym1n1 so you don't then do you.
Plus the op wasn't talking about brothels.

LemonTT · 20/05/2019 10:39

It all sounds like a mess really.

You need to decide if this is the man you want to be in a relationship with. Be honest about it. He doesn’t have an issue with Strip Clubs, as the senior person on the night out this was his call. He doesn’t like how you try to control him, calls and texts then checking his phone. He blames you for his decisions unfairly. He doesn’t understand your illness. Never mind the money wasted on all of this. Clearly hedonism comes before his child.

If you are willing to accept this is who he is or if you believe he can improve then you both need some help to end this growing toxicity. Otherwise I would start to consider the position you are in. Actually there is no otherwise here.

Can you support yourself? He doesn’t sound reliable and the best you should hope for longterm is CMS.

hdw05081991 · 20/05/2019 10:53

@LemonTT I would prefer to work on the relationship and the mess we’re in than end it. 95% of the time there are no issues and I am currently receiving CBT for my post natal depression as well as attending support workshops for new mums. He is supportive of this which is why behaviour like this makes me question how much he values a night out over his family. He has apologised and said it will never happen again. I suppose the only way to know for sure is to see if time will tell.

I live 100 miles away from my family and am returning to my job part time. I used to support myself but since we bought a house he is the main earner and there is no way I could afford it without him. I am completely reliant on him financially which doesn’t always make things easier when we do argue.

He has apologised again this morning.

LemonTT · 20/05/2019 11:07

But is the issue about whether he is sorry, having been caught? The question is about his values and your values. Do you really think they changed overnight?

I think paying people to appear naked in front of you for titillation is wrong. Whether it’s a woman or man in all circumstances . But lots of people find it acceptable. I can live with that. I explain my POV and that’s it.

What do you think of him paying to see women dance for him and remove their clothes. Whether as a group or an individual.

What does he honestly think about what he has done? If he is just apologising to placate you, then he will do it again. Because he doesn’t respect your opinion.

From what you have said you are going to sweep a serious issue under the carpet. The apology doesn’t resolve your problems.

As you are not married you need to plan a future where you can live independently from him even if you work through this. At the very least you should be aware he isn’t reliable.

Sayso11 · 20/05/2019 11:12

What else has he done u dident catch him out drink involved heavily time to start new righter life for urself baby needs stabity and one good parent can provide that better then upset mum and father taking piss be strong start fresh

HollowTalk · 20/05/2019 11:15

What the hell kind of company does he work for, where it's acceptable to take a junior member of staff to somewhere like that?

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