Is this cheating?

[hannah05081991]

Found out that my DP went to a strip club on a work night out. He works in the city and was supposed to be taking his junior out for lunch to celebrate his promotion. He text me twice to say he was about the get the train home and just didn’t come home. I kept ringing and calling and apparently annoyed him so much he lied and stayed out instead. The texting and the calling I can admit is annoying.. but he’s had bad form for this in the past and lied to me about where he was. Like, a lot. I Never EVER used to be like this but he’s a really bad drunk and it’s definitely an issue in our relationship.

I am also on maternity leave at home with our baby and suffering from PND.

When he finally came home at home midnight (bearing in mind he left for work at 7am and started drinking at 1pm) we had a massive row. I stupidly went on his phone as he was texting his friend (never EVER read his phone before but in all honestly wanted to see if he was moaning about me to his mates) and saw some graphic messages to his friend about what he did to stripper and what the stripper did to him. He lied and said it was “lads banter” and he’d made it up because he was drunk and showing off. He said the only time he’d been to a strip club was when he went on a stag do in Amsterdam (when I was 8 weeks postpartum and tbh was ok with as I assumed there was a big group and only the stag would get a lap dance).

I asked again the next morning and he admitted he’d “bought his junior to a lap dance to celebrate his promotion” He was adamant he didn’t have a lap dance himself but I keep going over these graphic text messages in my head and I just feel betrayed by it all.

He has apologised but not without blaming me for going on his phone (has always told me he had nothing to hide and Lo and behold the one time I looked guess what I found!). I said if he didn’t lie to me I wouldn’t be worried about what he’s getting up to. He apologised for the strip club and said he would never go again and wouldn’t of gone in the first place if he knew I was going to get upset. I don’t really believe that though as if I hadn’t seen the message I never would’ve known he had gone there. I also feel like he is excusing his behaviour by celebrating his juniors promotion. This guy is 21 and single... my DP is 30 and has a child at home.

Has anyone else ever been in the same situation? I feel sick and my opinion of him has changed completely. It’s the graphic messages more than anything that have broken me.

Trust has been broken and a line crossed. I don't think l could forgive that.
Game over.

He's bullshitting you. He clearly got the Extras.

He's got a partner and a young child at home and he's out spending his money on his dick. You should be angry. He's still not being honest with you and you both know it.

I've been in your situation myself. My OH and his mates would end their nights out (on at least two occasions) in a strip club in the City. When I found out he denied it, then lied about it and blamed his friends. I kicked him out as I felt like the lies were too much to bare and I didn't want to be the girlfriend (now wife) who looks through their partners phone. I did take him back after some time, having made my point that I found him going to strip clubs, potentially getting extras, and lying to me utterly unacceptable in our relationship. It took some time but I have now moved on from it, he knows what will happen if he goes there again. It'll be goodbye and go to hell from me.

I could have written this and 2 years I LTB and far happier. Leaving the strip club, His drinking won't improve I'm sorry. I wish I'd found the strength to leave sooner

@Moralitym1n1

Also the stripper's have significant contact with them without men needing to touch. The idea is to rub their vulva and ass on the men's dick through his trousers to stimulate him, you know.

Really?! Having worked in that industry for over 10 years I’ve very rarely known this happen and when it has the dancer has been sacked. Lap dancing clubs have their licenses strictly policed and any breach of this tends to see them getting closed down rather quickly- as they are such lucrative businesses they don’t want that to happen so contact between the dancer and customer is very strictly prohibited and policed. Most of the ‘big’ clubs- Spearmint Rhino, For Your Eyes only etc usually have a sort of ‘segregation zone’ which forbids you from even having your feet at a certain distance from a customer.

Also, I’ve lost count of the customers who’ve tried it on saying that I ‘let their mate touch’ or words to that effect - men would regularly spew absolute bollocks to their friends after a dance to try and make it look like they had been given special treatment or that we ‘fancied’ them 🙄

I think you really need to look at the percentages.
He was drunk so may not have been himself.
I dont know your husband or the industry he is in, but it seems to be very bad form to take a junior to a porn club. Also with all your responsibilities at home, he needs to tell you what he is doing an be available should you need him.
The texts, maybe just banter hopefully you can tell by the wording and responses, but if you are unsure or think they maybe true, then be doubly worried because it is likely this isn't the first time his has occurred.
I am sorry , but your DH is trying to brush this under the carpet or make it your fault, that is unacceptable and you deserve the truth and a proper explanation.

I could write a long screed about STBXH and lap dancing/strip clubs, but at the end of the day he didn't change his ways and all trust was gone from the first time he told me he had been. Yes, we had other serious issues in our relationship but the strip club thing and him keeping it from me, then breaking promises about not going again completely destroyed any trust and I never believed a word that came out of his mouth. Unless you think you can forgive him and move on, trust me it will eat away at you and your relationship will be hell on earth and likely end.

You can't ever trust a twat like this. Be on your own then you won't have to spend your life worrying about what he's up to because I guarantee you don't even know the worst of it.

That's awful. And if he's doing that with a young work colleague, what else is he doing?

My DH works very high up in finance. About 10 years ago, in his early twenties, his boss took everyone out for the night, got drunk (this was the norm for this "manager") and tried to get people to go to a strip club with him. DH had no interest so came home early, but some of the other junior guys tagged along as it was their boss who was pushing for it. One of them ended up wasted with a £4k credit card bill he couldn't account for (tips? Private dances?). The other guy followed his boss all the way to a brothel. Then he proposed to his girlfriend the following week. It's such a murky sector; some companies are rife with it.

If your DH is a ringleader in places like that, you can be sure that he is or has cheated, either with a sex worker, or a regular woman. That he has little respect for women, and that he will do it again.