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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sitting here sobbing in my own bitter, pathetic mess. any words of wisdom to snap me out of this?

62 replies

user50000a · 19/05/2019 21:48

Just having one of those moments and posting in desperation really. I know I probably need a big dollop of perspective and harsh words.

I was with a man for 5 years in my twenties, we lived together. at 28 we broke up and I am nearly 35 now. he moved away...did what he wanted for a bit and then met someone and married a year or so later.

my best friend got married, divorced and met someone new since my last relationship ended. she strung her husband along for ages and broke his heart and is now happily with someone new.

my other close friend slept with someone while engaged to someone else. she is now with this new man and thinks he's the right one. she's even kept the dress she brought for the original wedding to guy number one.

my (much) younger sibling is settled down with her boyfriend of 10 years, since high school.

the man at work who cheated on his wife while she was unwell is now happily with someone new and about to buy a house.

I am by NO MEANS perfect whatsoever. but all I have ever wanted is a husband and a family. and Im not someone who just wants to find anyone and I also don't think I am too picky, though I may have been in the past.

I just feel so bitter. I know that's an awful thing to say and feel especially about my friends, but it I do. why have all these people managed to move on and find someone new so quickly, yet 6 years down the line I am still alone? it doesn't feel fair and I a fed up of it. I feel so left out of all the huge milestones in life (I KNOW these milestones are not obligatory and this is not about keeping up with the joneses...I really and truly want all this and have since a young age).

I don't know how I am going to go into work tomorrow feeling like this which I know is so self indulgent and crazy. just feeling low. marriage and a family isn't everything but it is what I want and I have to watch everyone around me doing this and yet it has never happened for me at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
user50000a · 20/05/2019 07:57

I am just leaving for work so haven't had time to read all these replies (i will do!), i REALLY appreciate them.

one thing i find hard to read is when people have said "it starts with self love." i really appreciate any advice and any opinions, but i have to say i find this hard because i have 'self loved!' i have done all that in spades...got myself a nice home, been on nice holidays, treated myself for working hard and looked after myself. i do get all of that. but i am low and fed up of being alone and it isn't always as simple as 'loving yourself' to fill that gap. i do get the general sentiment but i cant help feeling shit about this and i am not sure it is linked to a lack of self love.

i will read all the other posts now. THANK YOU to everyone who had read my OP and taken time to reply. today feels really tough and it is a huge comfort to be able to talk here.

OP posts:
twinkle999 · 20/05/2019 08:11

Yes - also it kind of implies all the people in relationships have done something you’ve not done yet. That is absolute bollocks - they were just lucky

sheshootssheimplores · 20/05/2019 08:36

user I completely understand the frustration when you know you are in essence doing everything right, and yet others who you perceive are doing it wrong are reaping the rewards.

Like I said earlier, I really think it’s a numbers game. You have to just date like it’s a job and at some point you will find someone who is compatible.

user1497997754 · 20/05/2019 08:55

Make a list if all the things you would like to do.....and do them 1 by one with no time scales....why not think about renting your house out and go travelling ...your single and free as a bird and make some changes and don't be afraid to take a risk ....you sound really fed up and bored with life. Change it and who knows what will happen....if you stay as you are you will stagnate....get some excitement it's out there....go and find it x.
...

Wanderlusting99 · 20/05/2019 09:26

I'd say you make better decisions than a lot of people in your life. If you wanted to be cheated on, or cheat, or divorced you could have been but you haven't settled for that version of heartbreak either.

Dominiom · 20/05/2019 11:54

For all those posters saying ' you're so lucky being single, at least your not in a loveless crap marriage....' Those pearls of wisdom are really not going to be useful to the OP. See the difference is choice here. If you really wanted to be single you could choose to be tomorrow if the single life is deemed to be so wonderful. However, the OP doesn t have the option to click her fingers and magically be married does she?

Justbreathing · 20/05/2019 12:17

I’m where you are. The only thing that helps a little is that I do know that the reality of being in a shit marriage isn’t great.
Lots of my friends are, but then they stay so perhaps it’s better than being single.

It’s fucking tough though.

lovebeingmum9 · 20/05/2019 12:27

op you only get one life so go enjoy and live it! When you search for something you very rarely find it but when you don't look....that's when it turns up! stop putting pressure on yourself to get a family within a time limit....it will happen when it's meant too! I would suggest throwing yourself out of your comfort zone,join a few new hobbies and focus on yourself and then Mr right might just turn up when you least expect! good luck x

Original poster
user50000a · 20/05/2019 20:34

I have done all of that...thrown myself into new stuff...booked trips...taken advantage of everything a single person can...spent lots of time focusing on myself.

the truth is i don't want to be out of my comfort zone these days. i want to be fully IN my comfort zone with a family. that's the reality and i have to accept that. i realise i have to keep taking advantage of the good parts of being single. but it will not change the afct that i would swap it in a second for a marriage and children.

OP posts:
Marlena1 · 20/05/2019 22:30

It's really hard. I know that, I've been there and I know it's really draining. But if you are doing OLD, going out etc then you are doing all you can. Just don't loose heart there is still time. And I know you want to meet someone but please don't think others have it made just because they found someone. They could break up next week!

Original poster
user50000a · 20/05/2019 22:31

thank you so much for the support. the nights can sometimes feel lonely and reading these posts really picked me up today x

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 20/05/2019 23:06

Just sending you some Flowers support. I know how you feel.
Fuck knows what I can do about it. But there you go!

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