sitting here sobbing in my own bitter, pathetic mess. any words of wisdom to snap me out of this?

[user50000a]

Just having one of those moments and posting in desperation really. I know I probably need a big dollop of perspective and harsh words.

I was with a man for 5 years in my twenties, we lived together. at 28 we broke up and I am nearly 35 now. he moved away...did what he wanted for a bit and then met someone and married a year or so later.

my best friend got married, divorced and met someone new since my last relationship ended. she strung her husband along for ages and broke his heart and is now happily with someone new.

my other close friend slept with someone while engaged to someone else. she is now with this new man and thinks he's the right one. she's even kept the dress she brought for the original wedding to guy number one.

my (much) younger sibling is settled down with her boyfriend of 10 years, since high school.

the man at work who cheated on his wife while she was unwell is now happily with someone new and about to buy a house.

I am by NO MEANS perfect whatsoever. but all I have ever wanted is a husband and a family. and Im not someone who just wants to find anyone and I also don't think I am too picky, though I may have been in the past.

I just feel so bitter. I know that's an awful thing to say and feel especially about my friends, but it I do. why have all these people managed to move on and find someone new so quickly, yet 6 years down the line I am still alone? it doesn't feel fair and I a fed up of it. I feel so left out of all the huge milestones in life (I KNOW these milestones are not obligatory and this is not about keeping up with the joneses...I really and truly want all this and have since a young age).

I don't know how I am going to go into work tomorrow feeling like this which I know is so self indulgent and crazy. just feeling low. marriage and a family isn't everything but it is what I want and I have to watch everyone around me doing this and yet it has never happened for me at all.

Make a life for yourself, don't just wait. People who are happy and enjoying themselves are more likely to meet people, but don't do it for that, do it to enjoy your time. It will take practice, think of a couple of things to do this year, learn to swim, play golf, whatever.. go to a concert or visit another town. Just do some new things. Allow yourself some sad time and if it doesn't shift get help. Good luck.

I think there are two issues here.

1. the fact that you are alone
2. the fact that your ‘friends’ don’t sound like very nice people. It doesn’t make you ‘bitter’ to think that people who treat others poorly don’t deserve happiness. Honestly half of your list sound like toxic people to have in your life, just because it’s not you they’ve wronged doesn’t mean you have to be ok with the way they behave. I’d start by making more room for positive relationships in your life - be they friendships or romantic relationships by getting rid of those with people who are not very nice and undoubtedly make you feel worse about yourself and more alone.

You are still young. But make yourself a plan, fill your life with things that please you and ensure that you have opportunities to meet new people, not just potential partners but friends. I've not really tried this online dating thing yet, my marriage collapse is recent and the internet hadn't really been invented when I met h! but there so many sites it seems, I've registered for one (not paid yet) and I'm getting lots of emails, I just reply unless I pay!

I met my dp at an amateur drama club. A friend met hers at work. My DS met his dp while out clubbing. Don't people meet others in RL any more? Single people go out in the evening to meet others (us boring, settled people stay at home). I don't think OLD is for everybody.

So, you only have to read threads here to realise that many women are in terrible relationships. It’s much much better being single than it is being in an abusive or poor relationship. So you’re on a winner there.

As for meeting men, where do you go? What do you do? Apart from work? Might be an idea to take up new hobbies to find a man.

Make a life for yourself. I know it sounds crappy, but make sure you’re living your best life. You read all these posts by women who have no time to pee or do hobbies when they have dc - well, you have time to do and be anything! Make the most of it!

And being happily single will make you more attractive to men...

Here,here I found it for you, I saw this on here a few months ago and thought it might help you too:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=w8JopEnIuEQ

What you have done is to love yourself and not lower your standards.

You could tomorrow get a partner if that is what you wanted. You know you could. Think about it. Think of all the unpleasant grotesque people (and I mean both personality and phycisally) you know of or see on the street who have partners. Abusive violent men, men who cheat, women who cheat (like your friend), ugly people, dirty people, smelly people. Every day you will see these people hand in hand with partners in any walk of life.

If you want someone, you can get someone really - but not if you have standards and value yourself.

High fives to you for having some standards - and you know it.

just knuckle down and date like the Americans do.

I totally get where you are coming from. I am 43 never married, no kids. I would love to be settled but it's not happening. Have had a few relationships and have given up with online dating. My advice is get off the dating apps and join a sports club, learn something new, do something in real time. Life is too short to trawl through endless profiles.

Online dating is such a time sap and there seem to be so many time wasters on there. Keep going, head up and do things for you. X

Don’t give up the online dating. Take all the other advice too and follow it, but don’t limit your options. I met my dh online at 39. People get divorced late 30’s and you may well meet someone then if not before, so please don’t feel despondent x

you say others have it all.but you also say you look like you do to the outsdie world but you dont...so dont you think others lives are the same.or certainly some of them?your not alone hun.and the grass is not always greener.we jsut dont know what others are going through.from illness,to family to trauma.i know that doesnt make it easier for what you wish and yearn for.but on the ncomparing and watching in agony at what other have.sometimes they dont.

OP, first of all virtual hugs to you. Please be kind to yourself.

You asked for some wisdom to make you snap out of it...so here it is.

Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side. I know lots of women who are in marriages where they are unhappy, undervalued, exhausted, ridiculed, they would look at someone like you and think you have the freedom to do whatever you want. Marriage is hard work sometimes, even those couples who look really loved up- it may not be like that all the time. So my advice to you is be happy with yourself, don't be too hard on yourself and enjoy yourself.

I'm sorry you're feeling so miserable but I think you are making yourself feel worse than you should by making so many negative assumptions about yourself and positive assumptions about other peoples' lives. The people you describe as happy at this moment may feel very different in a few years. Their lives may also be very different in reality than the way you imagine them. Don't envy them. No doubt there are people who envy you.

Life can be very surprising if you let it be. You are fixated on the cliche of life-long love, marriage and children (presumably in that order) and you tell yourself anything else is failure. This is a self fulfilling prophesy. It sounds as though you are financially secure, very employable and physically well enough to work. You are not trapped in a hostile relationship, you are not in poverty or dependent on someone else for your survival and you have free will. You could shake your life up by doing something bold and different like spending a year travelling and/or volunteering. You could adopt a child who needs a family even more than you do. There are any number of things you could do to enrich your life. If you made some radical changes you would also come to understand yourself better and it would be a more satisfying way to spend the time you have than fixating on other peoples' (imagined) lives.

Love is very likely to come along but it may not arrive in the way you prescribe. It's also more likely to come along if you know yourself and are more open to life's experiences (and perhaps less needy). If you think that in a year's time you will be where you are now, but a year older, then take some chances.

Good luck.

I think everyone feels like this at some point in their life. Honestly. I remember "knowing" at 12 years old that's I'd never be married. (I'm now nearly 50 and have been married twice.)

Honestly, to me, you sound really tired, run down and in need of sleep, vitamins, sunshine, cosseting and a bit of a fuss. If you were my daughter, or my friend, I'd make you a chamomile tea, plump up your pillows, spray lavender on your sheets, tuck you up with a cosy film or book, and let you sleep in late tomorrow. You just sound knackered. Everything looks bleak when you're knackered; don't trust those thoughts. They're not true.

user50000a I totally understand the feeling but you have literally no idea what is in your future.

I have a similar relationship path. I had a couple of true loves but they didn’t love me in the same way, so we moved on. Aside from them I have never had a boyfriend when I needed one and like you I felt the gap.
Luckily I did get pregnant in my mid thirties through one of them. Sounds shit but actually I really wanted a child and I was grateful for the opportunity. Not long after I met my now husband (friends introduced us) despite the less than ideal circumstances of single motherhood.
We have a great relationship but he’s nothing like I imagined my husband would be ( although he is excellent man in all respects and I am very lucky)I am pragmatic. Life is too short not to grab opportunities and whatever I was doing before with men didn’t work.

There is someone out there, there may or may not be children. But you have to keep on living your life because you never know

Look OP not wishing to lable anything but I think you might be suffering from a mild depression, might you be doing the right thing talking to your GP perhaps?

Also..

The population of the UK is 66,000,000 so the notion there isn't anyone for me is a tad weak;!

And.

I bet you've got higher standards then a lot of people and that aint no bad thing!

Look after yourself if you will please:-)

Are you on the right dating sites, OP? There are sites that are more for finding partners, serious daters etc and some (like Tinder) that are more for hookups.

Also, if having a child is something you really want, why not tell yourself that in X number of years (2? 3?) if you haven't met the one, you'll save up between now and then and try IVF with a donor.

I understand you're feeling low and discouraged. These other people's lives are looking better than what you have. In reality the happily ever after is pretty rare. People divorce, people die.

I've had 2 marriages. First I was a young widow. 2nd I was cheated on and left. I expected them to be happily ever after but it just didn't work out that way. I'm nearing 60 and wonder if I will find love again.

You say you are looking for a certain "feeling". That feeling can fade and so many people find themselves with people they are completely incompatible with.

Try making a list of 10 most important things to you for a partner. Like gainfully employed, no addictions, fun to be with, not a tight arse, etc.

Things and values that stand the test of time and that really matter in a relationship.

Then get out there and date it up! :) Screen for the most important things and give it a few more chances.

I can never know how you feel as I panicked at 24 and got married as soon as possible. Luckily it's worked out. I'd also like to give you the positives of being single.

You don't have to worry about anyone else when deciding what to eat, watch on telly.
If you want to go out you can.
Your partner doesn't buy ugly furniture and expect you to be ecstatic.
No one nicks your side of the bed if you go to bed later than them.

I agree with what’s been suggested above: join a MeetUp group or two (Film club? Book group?), maybe try an evening class, something that interests you like learning a language or how about a sport/fitness/self-defence class? Exercise is well proven to raise the mood, I can attest to this myself.
Oh and again what someone else said above, please don’t give up on the online dating. At times it feels like a terrible slog and waste of time and Gawd knows I’ve been on several disappointing dates (and have no doubt disappointed several women when we met for the first time after chatting online). But I have made two good friends from online dating and also had a very intense and lovely relationship with a third, ultimately it didn’t work out but there were outside reasons for that.
How I used to treat an online date was to lower my expectations, not think “tonight I’m going to meet the woman of my dreams” but I’m looking forward to meeting this person with whom I’ve been messaging/emailing for a while and hopefully we’ll have an interesting and fun day or evening with good food. Nowt more than that. People are generally interesting when you get talking to them and I always figured it’s better than sitting at home watching Holby City or whatever! And if something more develops from the first meeting, then great
I don’t think you’re bitter. Maybe frustrated with how life has treated you, and understandably feeling low and perhaps sorry for yourself, but not bitter. And blimey! You’re only 35 - you’ve still got your life ahead of you. Go out and make some new friends and purlease don’t give up on the online dating - I know several contented couples who met that way.

Just out of interest, they have a marriage fair in Ireland every year. It's in September in Lisdoonvarna. Single people go along in the hope of meeting someone to marry. It sounds like fun. Why not give it a go?

Just think, you could be married and be really unhappy. Children are extremely hard work, although very rewarding. And the grass really isn’t greener on the other side, it’s a bit brown in patches.

I bet there’s married women with children wishing they were single, free to go and do what they like (I was one of them)

Go on singles holidays, be a fabulous aunt to yours brothers kids (you get all the fun without the hard work) go with groups of friends on outings, lighten up, and I bet love will come along just when you’re enjoying yourself ! (Dang 😂)

After I split from my exH I had a string of short term relationships-I was desperate to find someone. But nothing worked out and each time it didn't I got more and more despondent. I thought I'd never meet anyone. So I stopped looking and worked on making the best possible life for me and DCs. Within a month I'd met someone, it's still very early days but we're talking about moving in together next year and it looks like there's a future. 🤞🏻

Please look into having a child alone. Marriage is totally over rated and traps you.

See if you are married it is really unhelpful to say oh but being single is so much fun. You’ve not been single since your early twenties and haven’t experienced the mine field that is dating in your 30’s.
Really irritating people who have been married for 10 + years enthusing about the joys of being single. With all due respect, you have no idea.