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Original poster

Is this just banter

30 replies

felicity06 · 19/05/2019 17:59

Hello. I feel like I'm going mad. I found some flirty messages on my husband's phone who is known for doing this sort of thing. Bit grafic but he swears it's banter. He was cheeky to the co worker and she gave him the finger. He replied you know where you can stick that!Wink She called him a wanker and he said yes at least twice a week. I felt this was so wrong but he says it's banter. I'm not laughing. He hit the roof said he can't stand my jealousy. Am I jealous? Wrong? Mad?

OP posts:
Unburnished · 19/05/2019 18:02

He sounds like an unprofessional arse to me. Is he like that with everyone?

Dieu · 19/05/2019 18:04

I wouldn't like that either, OP. Sounds like he has form for crossing the line a bit.

Haggisfish · 19/05/2019 18:05

Mmm wouldn’t bother me but then I am quite crude.

Topseyt · 19/05/2019 18:06

He sounds like a twat. Of course it isn't banter. It is unprofessional and highly inappropriate.

BogglesGoggles · 19/05/2019 18:07

As opposed to what though? You can’t serioisly think that’s flirting.

ilovewinterpansies · 19/05/2019 18:23

Tricky. Inappropriate but not firmly in the flirting category. Have to see if he's like that with others (men too, although probably slightly different nuances!) - it's if not then it's flirting and yes YANBU.

slipperywhensparticus · 19/05/2019 18:26

Tell him your not jealous of him acting like a twat but he is childish and unprofessional

Mymessymind · 19/05/2019 18:28

What job does he do?

Original poster
felicity06 · 19/05/2019 18:30

Funeral director! She is his staff!

OP posts:
Original poster
felicity06 · 19/05/2019 18:35

Not like that with everyone just seems to like his ego boosted and flirted a lot with someone else at his work a year ago. Which is why I was suspicious as it seemed the same. Talking about them a lot. Texting them, doing things for them. Blah blah blah

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2019 18:40

It’s unprofessional and I doubt he would be at all forgiving if you were writing to a male colleague like your husband is towards a coworker.

Why are you with someone like this anyway?. He is merely dragging you down with him.

StoatofDisarray · 19/05/2019 18:44

The job title - bwahahahaha! ShockGrin

letsdolunch321 · 19/05/2019 18:54

What an absolute wanker your dh sounds.

You say funeral
Director - and she is a co worker.... is there anyone the co worker can report your dh to or is he her boss?

booboo24 · 19/05/2019 19:55

That wouldn't bother me at all, I can't see anything flirty in that whatsoever!

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2019 20:01

Your husband is a fucking creep. This type of disgusting, pathetic behaviour would be a deal breaker for me. He'll be lucky if he doesn't get sued for sexual harassment.

crispysausagerolls · 19/05/2019 21:01

I would be extremely upset by this

leomama81 · 19/05/2019 21:59

Yep sounds like workplace sexual harassment tbh! Doesn't seem from what you've said that the staff member is interested, but it does sound like he is being a complete creep to her and that it's highly inappropriate behaviour he could (and should) face action over.

EngagedAgain · 19/05/2019 22:24

I don't think you're wrong, mad, or overly jealous. He is bang out of order, not just because of the content to her, but the fact he thinks you're overreacting.

junebirthdaygirl · 19/05/2019 22:46

I don't think its flirting but it's really crude and a horrible way to speak to someone. If he is the boss he could be in deep trouble if that woman tried to make an issue of it...for example if they had a falling out.
He is being totally unprofessional and to be honest l would be horrified if a funeral director handling my mothers funeral was speaking like that. I would be afraid he would speak like that while her body was there or while driving the hearse which would be appalling.
He needs to clean up his act and it's nothing to do with jealousy but common decency.

PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic · 19/05/2019 22:53

It's unprofessional but I've never worked in a funeral directors world.

I have worked in worlds that deal with depressing shit that most people never have to face and a method of coping with that is black humour that if were recorded or written down would shock and horrify most people. It isn't meant though. It's just a way of getting through the horror of the working day and the inherent awkwardness of facing this vileness with other people. Issues of death, murder, sexual abuse, rape are not things most people have to ever face on a day in day out basis. It's hard to cope with.

Could it be a species of that? Dealing with death and depression every day can't be easy - hard to say though without seeing the messages.

Why don't you just ask him?

OldWomanSaysThis · 19/05/2019 23:05

If he's the main boss, he has set the tone for the office and the tone he has set is not good! That doesn't sound like flirty banter to me - it sounds like harassment banter.

MashedSpud · 19/05/2019 23:12

I can imagine his creepy banter about “stiffs” and “burying”. Urgh.

Honeyroar · 20/05/2019 00:13

She doesn’t sound impressed with him either. Imagine having to work with someone like that as your boss! (although being his wife doesn’t sound good either, especially if he’s flipping it around and having a go about your “jealousy”. She was right, he is a wanker!

PickAChew · 20/05/2019 00:15

"Banter" is assholish being a dick.

Sean137 · 20/05/2019 02:26

Unprofessional certainly, and rather distasteful too and not at all nice for you to have had to read this stuff. Is it flirtatious? I find it hard to say without knowing more - does he have a history of flirting, you mention he’s done this at a previous job but did you actually suspect him of cheating that time? Have you ever seen him with this other woman (like at a group event, pub or restaurant), if so, how do they behave toward each other? Sounds like she could well be feeling intimidated and pressurized to treat it as just ‘fun’ and ‘banter’ but inside finds it creepy.

I guess you could just tell him you find his ‘banter’ upsetting and disrespectful to yourself and see how he reacts...

Some blokes seem to feel the need to flirt (as they see it) without ever acting upon it, if you see what I mean. Like an ego boost or a way of gettin through the day. Not excusing this at all but just putting my two pennies’ worth in.