Children Abusing Parents

[StillMe1]

wehavekids.com/family-relationships/The-Silent-Suffering-of-Parent-Abuse-When-Children-Abuse-Parents

I noticed this today and read it through. It rang so many bells. It seems that these incidents are on the increase.

What do MNs think about this or any comments really

Thankyou so much for alerting me to this! Can totally relate.

Currently going through this With our 13 year old daughter and it is making me very stressed and ill.

We have our first counselling session as a family next week .

Fingers crossed.

@Whyohwhydo I am glad this has been a help to you. It is rather late in the day for me.
I hope it all goes well with your counselling session.
Try to get this under control. This started when my DC was around 13/14. They still do it even though they have children older than that themselves now.
My only way out of this was to "leave the building"

My oldest dd, 17, punched my arm and slapped my face last week and is in court in a few days. She's half my size but by god she can pack a punch.
Haven't read the full article as it's late - I will tomorrow - but in a quick glance, yep, she and her sister do most of those things on the list.
I've had this for ten years (when I adopted them) and I'm done, with the oldest anyway. This is the second time she's been in court for assault but most of the kicks and punches and slaps I haven't reported. She won't be living here again.
When you say you left the building, Op, what do you mean? That you left your dc with their father and moved out? And that they still abuse you even though they must be, what, in their 30s now?
I dread becoming old, helpless and at their mercy.

Good topic thread that needs to be talked about.

My DC are adults now and we have a good relationship but I dare not ever stay with them on a visit for more than a day or 2. I stay at a hotel or somewhere else.

The few times I was invited to stay at theirs, I was treated like rubbish/abused. I won't let that happen ever again.

Truly heartbreaking stories.

What I’m finding especially hard is that i was emotionally abused by my mother.
It made me more determined to have a secure and loving relationship With my daughter so it really hurts that despite my love and attention I get abuse. Again.

I didnt Even know this is a thing ! Especially as we are told that teenagers are rude and it’s typical behaviour for their age.

I’m hoping that for the sake of our family we can Work something out . We have Two small children who receive less attention because all our energy is going into our daughter!

I am so glad that this is being recognised.

My ds is very abusive towards me. It's so heartbreaking. It's made worse by people making comments like if my child did that I would do xyz or my child would never do that. Don't they think I have tried doing xyz and I didn't ask for this to happen to me.

Seen this in our own family - my parents have this with eldest brother even though he’s over 40 now. It’s a joke. I refuse to speak to him unless it’s completely necessary ie family events - this is just one thing he’s done on top of many others. It’s been like this since young age so maybe it’s one of those things that need nipping in the bud asap. He definately has mental health issues but mental health in Indian community isn’t addressed very much it’s rather awful. They’ve done so much for us all too. They have always let him get away with behaviours though - isn’t good.

Also a friend was saying recently about someone she knows - her son is beyond messed up and very aggressive. He even touches his sister in places he should not be doing. It’s going to lead to rape and who knows what else she said. His mum doesn’t know how to handle it. Friend advised to get people involved form authorities. Unsure how she will proceed. I think he like 15 or something.

Please look up NVR training if you don't already know about it. I know about it via our early help services and it has been helpful.

This is an issue that has been there a long time but is now being talked about more - which is great but we need to work hard to build the services to support families still. NVR is a great start and, depending where you live, there may also be bespoke services but the agency may vary from place to place. The website you mention is great for raising awareness and finding people in a similar situation, but doesn't really offer support. A more comprehensive website about this is Holes in the Wall dot co dot uk - a resource and information hub - for practitioners, academics and families. Talking about it and letting other people know about your experience is a big first step. Breaking the secret can take away some of the power. Then it is important to build a support network and get help in resolving any specific issues. And remember, you are not alone!

@Papergirl1968 When I said that I "left the building" I was being metaphorical. The DC had already left home. Strangely the xh appeared after the youngest was 18 and is probably influencing them. Too long a narrative to go into here. He was put out when youngest was a toddler and refused access. CM are currently still hunting him for all the money he should have paid. I just meant that I am no longer available for babysitting, their housework or lending money which never seems to be repaid. I am old and I am disabled and assaulted just about a year ago. I hide in my house. Dont let this happen to you. Take care

Can someone tell me what NVR is and where I can get information on this.

I felt this was only happening to me. It is sad that it was not just me but at least this way I no longer have to believe the statements from DC that it is all in my head, it is anxiety, you are stupid you are ugly and no-one likes you. etc

NVR stands for Non Violent Resistance. It is an approach to relationships that recognised that ultimately you can only ever change your own behaviour but in doing so you can change the ‘system’ and so impact the responses of others. It is used within families but also other systems such as schools, residential communities and neighbourhoods. Parents are supported to build support networks for themselves and to learn ways to regulate mood and behaviour, de-escalating situations rather than building the aggression. Working out what is really important to respond to is a key feature. There are various organisations and individuals offering training programmes.

@GoodListening. Thank you for that information. I think I am in some ways doing that already. I know I cant retaliate in kind. I dont hit and I dont raise my voice. My only response can be to keep clear which also lowers the chance of physical and verbal abuse.

Thank you for starting this thread, StillMe.
I'm single but the first time a partner raised his hand to me, or called me fat, ugly, or any of the other names I've been called, he would be out the door, and why should it be any different for children? Children who are well into their teens and in the case of my oldest, nearly an adult, anyway.
My girls had an awful start to their lives and that's an explanation for some of their behaviours, but not an excuse. I've devoted ten years to them, ten years of giving them everything they could possibly want while struggling to get them to respect me, and we are coming to the end of the line here. The police, the court, children's services, Camhs, school...all are supportive but nothing makes any difference.
I guess this week's court case will be another fine dd won't be forced to pay as she has no income, and a few more hours of community work.
And then two days later she's back in court re her baby daughter, who is currently in foster care. If she doesn't get her baby back because of this, she will have to live with that for the rest of her life...

@Papergirl1968

The situation we find ourselves in is debilitating and in my case, I know every ounce of confidence I ever had was taken from me. I am struggling to get on top of it again. Every little gain is like a lottery win.

You are so right, no decent woman would take this rubbish from a husband/partner so we don't need to take it from anyone else. This has to be seen as domestic abuse and coercive abuse. It is against the law for a man to do this, why is it not against the law for a daughter to do this.

I noticed that you have a little grandchild involved in all of this. I have multiple grandchildren. Some of them think it is acceptable to speak to me in the same manner. If I never speak to another soul for the rest of my life I don't want to be treated like that by grandchildren. It was not the grandchild who would appear to have had the worst life.

Good luck for the Court cases you and your daughter have coming up. I hope they go the right way for you. If you want you can let me know either on here or by PM.

Sending hugs.

@ StillMe1

My heart broke for you when I read about some of the grandchildren speaking to you so disrespectful.

During one of my DD abusive tirades, my 16 year old grandson started verbally abusing me too and pointing at me telling me to just get out.

I told him to just stay out of it but DD allowed him to do it.

Let's just say I was devastated. I went back to the guest room and sobbed and sobbed. I was shattered. I would have left right then but where they live is very isolated and I didn't have a rental car.

I made arrangements the next morning for someone to come get me. I left and haven't been back.

Of course I'll let you know, StillMe.
The grandchildren presumably get their lack of respect from their parents. So very sad.
See, this is what I struggle to understand, I wouldn't have dared to speak to my parents, grandparents or anyone else like that, as my parents would have gone mad, but more importantly, neither would it have occurred to me to do so.
Ranty I'm glad you won't be staying with your family any more.
[Flowers] for everyone on this thread.

@Papergirl You are so right. It is so out of what we learned as we were growing up that we treated people decently at all times and with respect too. I even now think "what would my parents think of this". One thing for sure my parents would not be happy to see me treated like this. My DM gave up with my elder D before she died 20 odd years ago. More to the point she also put it in writing and I still have that and can produce it if ever evidence was needed. I also have a tape of the verbal abuse. And everyone thought I was such a stupid woman!

We need to keep ourselves safe from all and any person who does us any harm at all

Take care

My son is a tween but very tall and big. He has HFA and had 3-5 violent meltdowns at home daily. We are utterly destroyed by this and there is NO real help or support in our area. He doesn't know it yet, but we're turning over guardianship and custody of him to my sister in another country. We simply cannot stand it anymore and I am suicidal and we have a teenage daughter whose life is also severely affected by this.

Every single day he comes home and cyclically melts down and won't go to bed till midnight so about 8 hours a day. He also melts down in the morning and appears to have OCD.

I can so relate to this article and if it weren't for my daughter I'd have topped myself.

So sad to hear these stories.

My heart goes out to all of you. ❤️

There are so many really sad stories on here - and tragic that there is so little help available when people need it. Research shows that this happens to all sorts of families and that there is no one reason - often learning disabilities or trauma or witnessing violence but sometimes none of these and sometimes more than one thing. The story in the media and society as a whole is usually that parents are to blame. It is so hard for people to tell anyone or to ask for help when this is what they hear. Often parents have done everything right but the circumstances have made it not enough. We need people who understand this and do not add to the shame. People who are prepared to listen without judging. Sending love

Dd got a four month referral to the youth offending team for assaulting me. The social worker hinted she thought the court was lenient as dd gave them a sob story about being separated from her baby.
She's not being put into a mother and baby unit with her daughter, as she'd wanted, at least not at the moment. Baby will remain in foster care for now.
Contact will be set up for me to see the baby separately but it might only be once a month. It's already been two weeks since I saw her and I miss her so much.
It looks very likely that baby will be placed for adoption. I'd have her in a heartbeat but I suspect it will be considered too risky given the unpredictable and aggressive behaviour of both dds.