I'm the saddest I've ever been because of him.

[gleefuliamnot]

I'm really down. I left my ex partner with my little boy because of the abuse I was suffering. I've moved back to be near my parents. I haven't got good friends near here and because my son is ebf (and a handful) I struggle to meet new people. The emotional abuse I suffered has knocked my self confidence. I feel utterly worthless. I'm on anti anxiety medication and a waiting list for counselling. Can't afford to go private. I have no money. No partner (I know this isn't a necessity but I wish I knew love and am envious of those in real loving relationships). I'm lonely. I have a stupid crush on someone who doesn't even notice me.

I know it will get better (I hope). I want to feel better now. I want to not cry every night because I'm so badly screwing my life up.

AIBU to feel like this? I'm so lonely. I love my son and would do anything for him, I'm just sad at the moment.

post edited by MNHQ at OP's request

That's meant to say little boy. I change the sex/age of my child occasionally when I post so I can't be outed from that. Even though unlikely. I'm a paranoid mess atm.

Is your little girl safe with an abusive man ? Do you get to keep in touch?

Is your little girl safe?

Now i am confused ? How many kids are there ?

@flapjackfairy it's 'left with' aka she came with me. I meant to write 'boy' as I change the sex and details a tiny bit sometimes so I can't be outed. I only have one child with him and the child is with me and 100% safe.

Sorry. Can't get anything bloody right!

Ffs I can't even write a mn post correctly

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way but what struck me about your post was your honesty and courage.
It takes a lot of guts to leave an abusive relationship but you did it because you value yourself and your ds.
What a wonderful parent that makes you.
Hold on to that courage and know that absolutely things will improve. Hugs. ♥️

You have just said your son is 100% safe so you have got the most important thing right. You should be proud of that

You'll be ok. Someday you'll look back and won't feel sorry but pride.

Oh bless you. Op, you have been so strong and brave to leave your partner. You’re doing the very best thing for you and your dc, so you’re getting that right!

Give yourself time to heal and get over him. It might be an idea to do the Freedom Programme before you get into another relationship.

Download the Headspace app and use that - it really helped my mh.

See if your parents can babysit so you can go out for a walk/to the gym/to have some time for you.

Take care of yourself, things will get better!

Part of the reason you’re so sad now is that you are away from him and are starting to see clearly the impact that he had. Things you maybe weren’t aware of while you were with him
Try to think of it as part of the process of getting on with your life

You have taken so many positive steps, keeping your LO safe, organising counselling, making sure LO has an amazing role model of a mum. Be proud as well as sad.

I wish you all the luck in the world

Well it all sounds very hard for you glee .No wonder you are struggling but well done on having the courage to leave and put your safety and that of your little one first . That takes guts so dont put yourself down.
Personally I would forget any thoughts of another relationship at the moment and concentrate on getting yourself back on your feet. Hope you get counselling sorted quickly and the meds start to help. You are a great mum and you will get through this so hang in there . Sending a hug x

You sound very strong actually OP.

It’d be wise to try to build a social life now that your domestic situation is solid. Could you attend some baby/toddler groups with your DC? Any pre-schooler activities happening in the library? Are you in a position to find a part time job?

Thanks everyone.

@ConfCall I have a full time job. I've chosen to be a bit skint for a year and spend this time doing free things and living frugally with my baby as I'll never have this time back again. Going back in September.

Ps sorry I misunderstood your original post !

@flapjackfairy it's fine it was my fault. I'm tired I can barely string a sentence together! Sadly I feel like I'm risking being told I'm alienating my ex by withholding contact but I know that what I'm doing is right.

your OP is perfectly articulate and quite moving. You have had a massive upheaval in your life, due entirely to the bastard you were with. It is understandable that you feel down and lost, anyone would do. It is a shame that he has dented your self esteem. However, you got out! You have some support, you are not old, you have a hole life to enjoy and enjoy it you will. Give yourself time. Enjoy your child. It WILL get better!

You’ve done a massive thing right - leaving for safety with your child. That alone is so so hard. I’ve been there. It really isn’t easy.

Honestly start a dairy. Right in it every night when you settle down for bed and pour your feelings in to it. As time passes your sadness will start to lift and you can look back through the pages to see how far you have come.

Don’t look for a relationship because your head is not in the right place. It will bomb. Been there too.

I found a job that built my self esteem back up. Stayed single for a good few years, focusing on my child and my career then met my lovely Dh. If I’d met him any sooner it wouldn’t have worked because I was so full of anger and self destruction.

You will 100% get through this if you work on yourself. Read lots of self esteem books and surviving abusive relationships. But find that job that gives you your self worth back - be some one your child looks up to.

Write**

Healing after abuse takes way longer than a normal relationship. Add in you are a new mum it is not surprising you feel overwhelmed and low at times.

Trust that this just a dark moment and it will get better. You can rebuild a life and your life will be happy again.
Try to do something for yourself as you deserve to nurture yourself

I think what I really feel like I'm missing is someone to hug, or watch a movie with. Someone I can share the load of my son with. Someone to just ease this loneliness a bit. Someone who isn't my mum or Dad. I just need a friend. Not a relationship (I'm terrified to even talk to a man again). Having only an 8 month old for company sometimes for 72 hours straight is hard

Partycow I love that comment.

and shes right! Stay strong,things will work out.

I hope so @steakandcakes

I'm struggling with the stigma attached to being a single mum to a baby. People have ideas of what kind of person you are as soon as you utter the words. Like I did this on purpose or am after universal credit 🤦‍♀️

Thank you @pog100 - mn have changed it so it makes more sense now 🤦‍♀️

I was going to say join some toddler groups as these are great for meeting new mums but I see you are working full time just now.

I wouldn’t even think about a new man for at least 5 years you need time to heal, get strong and focus on yourself and your beautiful child. You’ve done the hard part it will get better.