Taking Children to visit Dad in prison.

[TreTops]

My Children's Father is currently serving a 6
Month prison sentence (so should be out in 3 months) The kids are aware he is in prison but I don't know whether to take them to visit..

We are separated due to the charge.

I don't know whether to take the kids to visit (primary school age) or whether to make them wait till he comes out? I wondered if anyone had been through anything similar/had any advice

He is in prison for assaulting you ?

Nope.

Id suggest going on your own first so you can see what it's like. Then you're making an informed decision.

Oh wait, if he’s in prison for assaulting you I take back my advice! I thought you meant you were physically separated due to the charge, as in he was in jail and you not in jail due to the conviction for whatever he’d done. Just a clunky way of saying it.

Did he assault you?

Op open prisons are a lot more relaxed then the prison visits described in this thread. Usually have kids toys and pastors staff at hand. Unlikely to be searched for a cat d visit. One big waiting room. Not uncommon for kids to visit but they are long days. Snacks/drinks are expensive. Do the kids want to go see him?

Pastoral staff not pastors sorry

My stepfather was in prison when I was between 9-14. My mum did take us to see him a few times and tbh it was fine. I used to quite enjoy it actually (There was usually a good tuck shop!)!

We visited him when he was a double A cat (not sure if I’ve written that correctly but that’s what I heard spoken he was) and also towards the end of his sentence in an open prison. It depends on the children but just saying from experience that it’s not always a terrible traumatic experience. I thought it was quite interesting experience at the time.
6 months is nothing really though so do whatever you feel is right x

Just FYI, TwentiethCenturyGirl, there is no such thing as a 'double A cat' prison, but i know that people do describe certain prisons as such.

For the sake of 12 weeks, i wouldn't drag young children through a prison visit, whether in open or closed conditions. If he was going to be away for a year or more, then i would reconsider, but 12 weeks apart won't traumatise the children.

I think they will remember seeing him in prison, but won't remember a twelve month gap in seeing him. I wouldn't take them.

Thanks for all the replies. It's not abuse that he's inside for he has just lead a double life and lied a lot, can't say exactly what as it very outing.

If asked I think they would choose to go, but at the same time going will be upsetting really difficult to know what to do for the best.

Interesting that most people thinks it a definite no.

I’m not sure why people think the kids remembering he’s been in prison is a bad thing. Are you intending instead to hide it from them? For how long?

My ex lead a double life and had affairs, wish he’d gone to prison for it! Amount of emotional hurt he’s caused.

Op think long and hard about taking them as it’s an experience they will have for life. What if they enjoy themselves have fun with daddy and think prison isn’t so bad...I’d be worried about that honestly. Them thinking back with fond memories. :/

Will it be of benefit to them and could they benefit instead from other forms of contact with him, like phone calls or emails? I would want to make the decision that helped them but also had least risk of harming them. His needs come way down the list, I'm afraid.

TreTops, my DH had a 8 month prison sentence (served 4 months). We've 2 DC & I was always honest with them. I asked them what they'd like to do. They both refused to visit him (fine by me) as 4months/16 weeks isn't very long.
It gave us much needed time for the 3 of us at home to come to terms with what happened.
DH is home (was 2 years ago). He got into serious money problems & hid it from me. It took alot to take him back but I had my reasons. He changed while he was in there & was for the better. Things are much better now he's home. It is hard (bloody hard) but take each day as it comes.

DH (he's sat beside me) said he wouldn't have wanted the DC there. It wasn't the place for them even though was a cat D. He didn't want them with the memories.

You do what is right for your DC. No one can tell you it's right or wrong.

i should probably NC for this, but cat be bothered. I work in a prison, and i once asked a Young Offender if he was coping ok, it being his first time in an adult jail. He cheerfully said, "Oh yes, its all right, Miss, i know quite a lot of the blokes on my wing because i used to play with them in the creche when i came here to visit my dad".

Dont take the kids to visit.

I have been inside a prison at family visiting time and it was nothing like you imagine from the TV. Low comfy chairs and toys, tuck shop etc. I was not patted down at any point.

I visited a close family member and I cried through the whole process. It isn't a place for children no matter how many pictures and toys are in the waiting room.

Again I'm only speaking from my experience of working in prisons, but if he's eligible for HDC he might not even do 3 months in custody.
If he's in a Cat B prison I probably wouldn't bother with visits balancing the whole visits procedure against the length of time he'll be away from the children. But if he's in a Cat C or D prison then visits can be really positive for all of you. It's a completely different kettle of fish. I echo a PP that storybook dads is a fantastic way of maintaining contact if that's available where he is.
Ultimately I always advise the prisoners I work with that it's not about what they want or even to a degree what their partner thinks is best for them, it's about what's in the best interests of the children. Only you can decide that. There's no right or wrong. Every prison is different, so I'd say find out how visits run wherever he is & use that as a starting point for your decision.
Best wishes OP

People often have views on prison (‘it’s no place for kids’) without having experienced it firsthand themselves.

I've had first hand experience. I visited a friend in prison and I found it extremely upsetting that he was locked up and would be going back to a cell after I'd seen him. He was being quite resourceful there - teaching other prisoners to read and didn't seem to be miserable. It's still no place for children especially as it's for such a short time not seeing him.

Not a chance in hell. It’s 3 months not 3 years (not that it would make a difference to me as I would never take my kids inside prison)

No way in hell would I take my DC into a prison.

Perhaps being without his DC might make him abide by the law in future............

I faced this dilemma too, except my (soon to be) ExDH is away for a lot longer than 6 months, and is in a Cat B prison (but entitled to move to a Cat C, not a violent crime).

I took DSs to visit him. My older DS had been bottling up his emotions, and cried and hugged his Dad when he saw him, and DS2 also hugged and held onto him. They missed him a lot.

Visiting wasn't scary for them, in fact I think it allayed a lot of their fears over where their dad was and if he was okay. To be honest, I've been to hospitals that look more institutional. We moved through in a big group, they were very careful about searching the DSs, and just gave them a light pat down and being friendly with them. (If they've ever been patted down going through security on international flights, they wouldn't find it any different.)

The room had a cafeteria in it, and we bought some hotdogs, burgers
and crisps and had a meal together.

Since then DS1 has been far more open about talking about his dad, and missing him. I think if we hadn't visited he'd still be bottling it up. They are both more open about talking about him with me.

He now calls them about 3 times a week, and chats to them and they're so thrilled to talk to him all the time.

There's a CBBC programme about kids with a dad in prison if that might be of interest. It's an episode of the true life series "My Life"
www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b09p37n6/my-life-series-9-4-missing-dad

No - don’t do it. I speak from personal experience. It’s not a long sentence and not worth the distress to the children. Feel free to pm me if you’d like to - it’s a horrible situation for you to be in and it’s almost a no- win one.