Taking Children to visit Dad in prison.

[TreTops]

My Children's Father is currently serving a 6
Month prison sentence (so should be out in 3 months) The kids are aware he is in prison but I don't know whether to take them to visit..

We are separated due to the charge.

I don't know whether to take the kids to visit (primary school age) or whether to make them wait till he comes out? I wondered if anyone had been through anything similar/had any advice

Believe me I absolutely do NOT side with the courts.

But children do visit their fathers in prison. There are books and support and family rooms for them.

If he was in first time offence for fraud or something non violent/sexual, I would be inclined to take them.

Taking children to prison normalises incarceration in my opinion.
I wouldn’t do it myself but you have to assess if it is beneficial or not for your own family.

You should know whatever you decide that children are searched in the same way as adult visitors. They will have a gentle pat down and possibly either wanded with an electronic wand, or will have to remove belts / shoes / coats to go through an electronic sensor.
They may also be asked to stand in line while a sniffer dog moves up and down.

Occasionally they may experience other visitors or prisoners becoming agitated or aggressive. They will have to pass through at least one and generally more security doors, experiencing them being locked behind them- this is unnerving enough as an adult visitor.

The sentence sounds short enough to make it not really necessary. Do the children want to visit?

No, he’s not a good dad because he’s in prison. Don’t take them to see him.

There are plenty of men who are shit dads who still see their kids.

I have to hand my daughter over to one every bloody week

@AlwaysCheddar you don’t know that.

Op, no. It’s a short sentence so don’t put them through it.

It does depend on why he is there. The prisons have special facilities for families but there's a lot of searches etc which they might find distressing. I think you should be led by them though, if you explain what it would be like if you visit (call the prison for site specific information) and they want to visit then they are old enough to decide.

Can you ring the prison and see what the environment will be like? Some are set up eith toys play area

No do not do it.
It will be imprinted on your DC's minds forever.
They could lose self-esteem because of it.
It is only for 3 months, so why compromise them.
Sometimes you have to chose the lesser evil in life and this is one of those occasions.

For the sake of 3 months, I wouldn’t take my DCs into any sort of prison I’m afraid.
I wouldn’t even let them know visiting is an option in prison.
My DCs are used to their dad being away for months at a time (military) and know visiting isn’t possible - the time away hasn’t damaged their relationship at all. They still adore their dad and it’s like he was never away when he comes home - once the initial excitement has worn off!

If you haven't done so already, look up The Ormiston Trust. They run schemes for children with a parent in certain prisons (in the East of England), including bedtime stories and visiting days.

Even if they don't cover XP's prison, they have resources online to help prepare the children if you did decide to take them.

People need to calm the hell down, it’s an open prison not the gulags. I took DD to visit her father in prison (I waited outside while his mother took DD in). I did visit the room where visits were conducted and essentially it was a room with sofa’s toys, board games, children’s drawing on the wall, children’ books etc.

If he was an involved father and the conviction doesn’t present safeguarding issues then I think it would be on their best interests for you to facilitate contact.

I wouldn't. I'd perhaps encourage them to write to him, but I wouldn't take them to visit.

Are you saying he was violent towards you? If he was, even more reason that you shouldn't visit him.

Why give your children memories of visiting their father in prison? Why give them the experience of seeing him locked up? Awful.

I wouldn't want my DC to have memories of visiting their father in prison.

Wait till he gets out.

Strange how the mothers thinking about this or doing this apparently want nothing to do with the man themselves.

He's a good man / father but did something bad enough to warrant being locked up?

I wouldn't take them, prisons are scary places for adults, let alone children.

I'm in camp "helll fucking NO"

Open prisons are really not that bad. There are little tuck shops there that you can buy snacks and hot drinks from. Some times they have child areas where the kids can sit and colour ect..

Sometimes you can even sit outside if the weathers nice

The kids don’t actually see them in a cell. The prisoners are normally already sat down waiting for you or come in through another door.

I think I would take my dds to visit their dad. They would miss him so much and would love to be around him. I’d tell them he was working away.

I think I'd be inclined to wait but it's a tricky one

Personally it would be a hell no from me as well.

My parents fostered a young boy who’s dad was in prison when I was about 7. God knows why, but I had to go with him one day to visit his dad and it was terrifying. They searched me, and I remember being locked between doors and feeling really overwhelmed and scared. The actual room was okay, but it was loud and I was nervous of the other prisoners (the boys dad I seem to remember being lovely and buying me a chocolate bar from the tuck shop thing!)

OP you said he's in an open prison? I work in an open prison, so can give generic advice. The visits are much more family friendly. It's nothing like visits at a closed prison and the visit entry procedures are nothing like closed prisons. They won't put you or the children through searches. I'd suggest your DP engages with the prison family worker who will be able to give a lot of info about visits.
Where I work there's a soft play area & staff do craft activities for children. It can be a really positive thing for the children to maintain contact.

My only proviso would be that your post said you're separated due to his offence? Depending on what it is that would potentially change my advice. Please feel free to PM me if I can help

It’s a short time. I’d spare them the upset and embarrassment. Yes, he will miss them but it’ll be an incentive to behave himself after his release, so not to go back in there.

I took little ones to see xhb It was an open Prison and not at all Prison like.

I’ve spent a lot of time in prisons both as staff and visitor (visited one friend, and visited clients on a professional basis many times).

Visiting helps to keep the relationship alive, and there’s evidence to suggest that dads whose kids spend time with them while in prison are less likely to reoffend (more likely to have something to lose by reoffending when they’re released, more likely to have a family to return to, more likely to try stay away from crime and trouble inside prison for fear of losing visiting rights).

If they would like to see him, take them. Visiting in prison isn’t a huge deal and many prisons have family visiting hours where parents can play with their kids with toys, books etc. I think you can explain in an age appropriate way, if they’re small you can explain daddy lives here for a little while, if they’re older they daddy did something naughty and has to stay here until he’s learned his lesson.

I’d also look into a charity called storybook dads and see if they operate in his prison or if you can get a worker to visit him. They support parents to make a CD of them reading a bedtime story to their child so that the child can go to sleep at night listening to dad reading them a story. They support dads who may not be very literate to do it as well so reading isn’t a barrier. If you choose not to take them I think it’d be lovely to help maintain that bond in this way.

People often have views on prison (‘it’s no place for kids’) without having experienced it firsthand themselves. But prisons do a lot to make it as normal as possible to take your children to visit as it’s good for the kids and the offenders.

Let us know what you decide :)

No I wouldn't regardless of the length of the service. I wouldn't ever want them near a prison.

He is in prison for assaulting you ?

Nope.