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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to handle Hub that is just so old fashioned

29 replies

Pantiles123 · 18/05/2019 10:30

Hey all. My first post but I've been lurking a while.

My hubby who I've been with for 14 years married for 3 is just getting on my nerves so much!!! Is it normal to think that we're just not compatible anymore?

I'm a wife and mama I look after the house, do the food shop, the bins, the house work, the bills, the garden bloody everything plus working two days a week as a nurse . Him, he just goes to work!

Like how on earth can things just change so much between you when kids come along. It's starting to get me down on top of all ready having some depression post birth.

OP posts:

PhilCornwall · 18/05/2019 11:10

Stop doing certain things, like the garden and bins and when he complains tell him to do it as you need help and it's what he should be doing. He's being bloody unreasonable!

Me and my wife share the load and it works well. I could argue that I hoover the house more than she does, but I work from home and she doesn't, so why wouldn't I do it. Same with the ironing, bins, washing etc. Either one of us does it and it works well.

Tell him to get up off his arse.

CostanzaG · 18/05/2019 11:13

I think a serious talk is in order.
Have you spoken to him?

Weenurse · 18/05/2019 11:14

When you stay at home more, there is often the assumption that you will do more or all around the house.
This only changed for me when we swapped and I worked full time and he stayed at home when DD’s were 4 and 5.
Maybe try that for a bit.

Heratnumber7 · 18/05/2019 11:15

Everyone knows "bins" is the man's job!

Seriously though - what does he say when you talk to him about it?

MsVestibule · 18/05/2019 11:16

What was his response when you raised this with him?

Longdistance · 18/05/2019 11:28

Leave him to do the bins and garden. That’s the stuff my dh does, well except the plants as I’m fussy on baskets and pots.
Also, don’t be afraid to occasionally throw dc at him and walk out the door to get your hair or nails done or escape.
He needs to pull his weight.

PicsInRed · 18/05/2019 11:46

He's not doing traditional "man" jobs though, is he? I bet he doesn't spend the weekend doing DIY on the house, mowing the lawns, changing the car's spark plugs and painting the battens.

Nah, no cleaner or nanny for you, do that all yourself, but he outsourced all his "traditional manly" jobs (subsidised by you also working outside the home).

Not even putting out the bins. 🤨

He's just a lazy user.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/05/2019 12:01

He just sees you as a household appliance. Time to get tough.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 18/05/2019 12:08

Arse kicking time I reckon

Original poster

Pantiles123 · 18/05/2019 12:39

It's just crazy the amount of times I have attempted to ask for help, around the house, night wake ups even a few months ago when I was on the brink of a break down ( 8 month baby sleep regression nearly killed me off lol ) he just does not respect me at all.

All tho he says to me he's so proud of me, he says I'm doing amazing and he is supporting me. He thinks I don't have mental health problems just tierd and yet ... no offer to even get up with baby at weekends. I am afraid I've made my bed so to speak and I'm just forever going to be a doormat.

OP posts:

sackrifice · 18/05/2019 12:41

Everyone knows "bins" is the man's job!

The bins need doing once a week, why is it the 'man's job' is a once a week thing whereas the 'woman's job' is every goddam minute of every day?

OP the question is - how much 'downtime' do you each have?

CostanzaG · 18/05/2019 12:43

Don't ask for help! He's not helping you....tell him he needs to step up and be an adult.

juneau · 18/05/2019 12:51

Don't 'attempt to ask for help', just ask. Be utterly blunt and upfront about what you want him to do. Men often pick up on subtle clues, sulking, harrumphing or hinting. You two need to communicate better!

So decide which jobs you'd like him to do and tell him. Just for reference, my DH does bins, lawn, all maintenance, pond, anything to do with his car, plus ad hoc helping out on picking up and dropping off kids for parties, playdates, etc. Make it clear to him that you need to work as a team. It's not him just going to the office while you do absolutely everything else. What did he do when he was single? Ask him to do half of that now, shared with you.

Mystraightenersarebroken · 18/05/2019 12:56

Don't 'ask' for 'help'. Tell him he needs to pull his weight like an adult. He won't be doing you a favour by helping with your jobs, he will be doing his fair share of adulting.

And if he doesn't LTB. Seriously, you'll have one less person to look after and life will be easier.

Heratnumber7 · 19/05/2019 14:22

Everyone knows "bins" is the man's job!

The bins need doing once a week, why is it the 'man's job' is a once a week thing whereas the 'woman's job' is every goddam minute of every day?

Bins IS the man's job. Always has been, always will be. In this house anyway.

Everything else is 50/50, but I bloody hate doing bins.

maslinpan · 19/05/2019 14:27

I have always done the bins in our house! My DH does his fair share of everything else, but somehow that's my territory.

Treesthemovie · 19/05/2019 14:31

This is awful, how can a man that loves you watch you do everything while you struggle mentally, while he sits on his arse. It's not helping it's doing his part. It's not your job - if you split he'd have to clean his own messes.

Singlenotsingle · 19/05/2019 14:31

DP does bins, lawn mowing, cleans the kitchen plus some of the washing up, and does his own washing and ironing.

MadameJimJam · 19/05/2019 14:34

Fuck that.

What is he contributing? Only money (and not even all of that). He would have to pay maintenance even if you divorced. So what's in this marriage for you?

Not that I'm saying you should necessarily get divorced by any means, but look at what you are contributing versus what he is contributing.

How can anyone be selfish enough to leave all the work to their partner? Their partner who they allegedly love and who is being run into the ground by all this, to the point that they're getting ill? Is that really how you treat a person you love?

FriarTuck · 19/05/2019 14:36

You have 3 days a week at home so it's only fair that you do the bulk - that way you're both working 5 days a week. Anything you can't (legitimately) get done in that time gets shared between you both at the weekend.

Treesthemovie · 19/05/2019 14:46

Does he do anything with the kids op?

BertrandRussell · 19/05/2019 14:50

“The bins need doing once a week, why is it the 'man's job' is a once a week thing whereas the 'woman's job' is every goddam minute of every day? ”

See also putting oil in the car, mowing the lawn and putting up shelves.

FinallyHere · 19/05/2019 15:11

ask for help

It's only really 'help' if it's really your job in the first place. What does he say when you talk about it in an open, non accusing way

About him pulling his weight as an adult?

Original poster

Pantiles123 · 19/05/2019 16:08

I got told last night not to wake him in the morning if he's laying in... cause I woke him up at 9am yesterday. Apparently I should have left him to lay in. Honestly this is my life right now so I guess that's it.

OP posts:

sackrifice · 19/05/2019 16:13

“The bins need doing once a week, why is it the 'man's job' is a once a week thing whereas the 'woman's job' is every goddam minute of every day?”

See also putting oil in the car, mowing the lawn and putting up shelves

None of which require a fucking penis. And can more than easily be done when in possession of a vagina.

Still, if women just capitulate to this sexist bullshit then what hope do their daughters have of getting partners who pull their weight, and their daughters, and their daughters.

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