Did anyone survive a childhood with drug addict parents

[Lorddenning1]

Good evening

Iv just watched a program about drug addiction, and it's brought back some memories from my childhood and I wondered if there were any other people like me and what your story is... and have you carried it to adulthood.
I was the oldest of 3 children and our mother was a single mum and had an Heroin addiction. Even before the drug she was a terrible mum, no hugs or being told she loved us, she was quite handy with her fist too and had a terrible temper. We witnessed domestic violence all the time, when another boyfriend used to beat her up in front of us, she always used to put men first, never us. From a young age I had to grow up fast and parent my 2 younger sisters, we managed until the drugs started and then things went downhill even further, we had dirty clothes and there was never any food, and we never went to school.
We were neglected and abused, physically and mentally, we were feral street kids, who was vulnerable. We were on the at risk register from birth but never removed from her care, as she always lied and moved around all the time, that was until she got went to jail for shop lifting and we were placed in care temporarily, she never came back for us, thank god but it was a rough time and it has shaped who I am as an adult, how could it not do.
There are around 300,000 people addicted to heroin in the UK and I wondered if there were any other people on MN who has a story to tell.

Anyone?

I can’t relate but just wanted to say my god what a tough difficult childhood you have had. Hope life has dealt you a better hand now and your sisters are as happy as can be.

That’s Sounds awful for you. I hope someone comes along who can talk to you from experience

I can’t relate personally but I work with young people who have been removed from their birth parents for exactly the reasons you’ve given.

I’m sorry the system failed you and I’m sorry you had such an awful childhood. I hope someone comes along with more experience than me soon x

Thanks for the replies, as she never came back for us we stayed in foster care, I was placed at the age of 13 and I haven't spoke to her since.
We all have children of our own and Iv gone on to do well in life, been to uni got my degree and carved a decent life for me and my sisters are doing great too, although we are not as close anymore.
I just wondered if there was others like me really, I don't need support myself as I have long made peace with my past, the thread was more out of curiosity

Hi, I didn't have your kind of childhood at all, but I just wanted to echo what someone said above about what a tough hand you had been dealt. Am very heartened to hear that you and your sisters have carved out a good life for youselves.

Hello op, flat to hear your doing well. It's nice to hear someone come out the other end. Mix of mental health issues, drugs, neglect and abuse. It certainly did take its toll. Feel like I'm abit slow to start on life. Struggled socially, academically ext but getting there at much later date then my peers. I've had counselling and come to terms with it. Then had to counselling to stop ruminating on it and reliving memories. Nowadays it's firmly in the past but it has shaped me as a person. I think I'm quite highly strung and very sensitive to criticism and rejection in a way others aren't. Doubt that will ever change.

@Lorddenning1

Didn't want to read and run because I wanted to tell you how kickass you sound!

Try to remember how amazing it is that you've had successes anyone would be proud of and not only that, you did them with no help from day dot. You're a grafter, a fighter and now a winner.

I'm proud of you

Thank you :) this is the side of mumsnet that I love ;)
I have dealt with my past in therapy and I had the most amazing foster parents, they actually fostered the 3 of us, I still see them now and my kids call them grandma and grandad. I do suffer for low self esteem and I have a lot of self doubt, and probably quite emotionally immature, but on the flip side I am a very strong and determined person, Iv used my past to help me not be like her

My parents were addicts, not as hard stuff but fully functioning, worked full time, did family things etc and I had a good, comfortable upbringing. I did not realise until around 14 what was even going on. My uncle was a heroin addict but again would never have known it, worked full time running his own business and my cousins were well looked after and spoilt..probably due to guilt! However as an adult I still get really embarrassed around the subject and it feels like a dark secret and that I would die if work/some friends knew so clealry I am carrying something with me. I have never tried drugs myself but my siblings have. Its crazy how it can vary so much and an addict is not always what you think. I am sorry that you had a such tough time how fab that you are all doing really well now. You should be proud

Reading my post back I've realised that's the only way I've dealt with a shit start in life and a tough hand all the way since - I've learned to count all of my wins as doubly good because I did it AND I did it all myself.

It's a kind of desperation to be different to the bad times / anger about the past that drives me and always made me graft as hard as I possibly could.

Sounds unhealthy to people who haven't been there but when harnessed correctly anger can be a great motivator for the future and turned into a positive.

You must have brilliant self motivation and drive not to repeat the cycle. Truly I'm so proud of you

@Moominfan I also don't take rejection very well, like to the extremes of not eating or sleeping and not be able to function of a relationships etc, i put that down to being emotionally immature, due to not being shown how to deal with feelings as a child. I was told I was thick and stupid from a very young age, these things do tend to stick with you, but instead of believing it, I wanted to show her actually I'm not thick, I don't tend to pity myself a lot, I'm more it is what Is and I can't change it, people who meet me say how normal I am and that they would never of guessed.

@Msgiggles30 I have also never touched a drug in my life too,I'm too scared and think I might even like it and then repeat the cycle.
Your childhood gives a different perspective on addiction doesn't it, it happens in all walks of life.

instead of believing it, I wanted to show her actually I'm not thick, I don't tend to pity myself a lot, I'm more it is what Is and I can't change it,

Exactly the same here. I get a weird kick out of people finding out I was in care because i feel I've escaped the awful stereotypes of being in the system but ALSO because I hope it makes them think twice about the kids in there now and see them as real people who need real help, not just 'other' them and look down on them.

I am excited to one day be a parent and a verse from a Kelly Clarkson song has summed up how I hope it is:

Piece by piece I fell far from the tree
I will never leave her like you left me
She will never have to wonder her worth
Because unlike you I'm gonna put her first

I love those words so much and have no hesitation saying my anger and pain from the past has absolutely fuelled my career and will fuel my need to ensure my children feel safe, loved and supported

But I'm also not perfect either, I don't want to sound smug with my achievements, I have a little temper on me too and I'm not the warmest Person (I'm currently working on this at the moment) I do tend to over parent and think if I raise my voice I will damage my children, I have a lot of parental guilt as I am a single mother to 2 boys, and I worry that I may damage them too :( I know it's all a load of crap and my kids to go bed at night, safe warm, loved with a full belly :) which is more than I got.

Yes exactly it really does happen in all walks! I also have a freind who did not tell me her dad was a heroin addict until we were late 20s, they are a really wealthy family and in the medical proffesion so you just never know. I think it does have an effect no matter what as there is definitely a shame feeling there for me which I used to project onto other things too, I overthink a lot which could be linked and can be a closed book. Its great that you have taken that route to break the cycle

@ThatCurlyGirl I also get a kick out of it too, I'm always the exception to the statistics of children in care, in actual fact I was 1 of 3 children in my borough to go to uni who was in care. This just drives me more, I don't know I'm trying to show really, maybe myself.
I will foster one day once my children have grown up and left, have you thought of doing it later on in life?

@Msgiggles30 I also overthink too, about everything and anything, drives me mental sometimes.
I take Saint John worts to calm me down, but I think half the battle is not being aware of it, at least we know what we are and what we are not

@Lorddenning1

I also get a kick out of it too, I'm always the exception to the statistics of children in care, in actual fact I was 1 of 3 children in my borough to go to uni who was in care. This just drives me more, I don't know I'm trying to show really, maybe myself.
I will foster one day once my children have grown up and left, have you thought of doing it later on in life?

Funny isn't it, i sometimes of guiltu of letting people go off on a rant about "council estate kids" etc and really give them a free platform until I very very happily demolish their debate with facts, figures and experience.

"Call me when YOU turn over six figures, I'd still say no" was my favourite retort to a horrible wanker who said he'd never a girl WHOS DAD wasn't "from money". I mean. Was meant to be a compliment because he assumed I had come from dosh but I came from care and didn't have a pot to piss on until I grafted my arse off from the minute I could. I earned everyone of those six figures in my own business with no help. We were 25 at the time. What did he do? Just got back from his fourth gap yah.

I was adopted as my lovely foster family applied but were turned down due to some specific requests for me to go to a younger family. Was done through the church so handled quite badly! I'd love to foster but wouldn't be able to let them go as I saw the heartache first hand and have assumed I'd feel the same. Maybe I should chat about that in my next counselling session.

I'm keen to adopt though, I feel ill be best placed to help my kids through he inevitable difficulties (schoolkids being dicks). And I'll finally get to teach someone the comeback I loved most in my early teens:
"Nobody wanted you"
"Our parents literally chose us"
flicks hair and walks away smug

Well done you for achieving so much for yourself despite your hard childhood. My friend grew up with both parents addicted to heroin. They started when she was about 4 and for some reason she was never picked up by ss despite parents frequently being arrested or the house raided by police. Her parents split up but both carried on using until she was about 14. And then simply replaced it with alcohol.

They had emigrated to London when she was a baby and the family back in their home country never knew what was happening and how her life was.

She put herself through school and did well but tells of how she would come home to blood splattered everywhere or several strangers and her parents unconscious in the house. Eventually she went to uni and by then her mum was clean and working full time. Their relationship switched and my friend took the role of parent, making sure mum was up and ready for work, had food in fridge etc.

The last time I spoke with her she had decided to go to live in her home country back with their extended family, leaving her parents here. She had told them how life was and they were both horrified and full of love for her. She is doing well now although understandably there are after affects from her childhood.

@Kahlua4me Oh wow your friends sounds amazing, I hope she is super proud of herself

Wow! You are amazing. You and your sisters deserve to be really proud of yourselves.

I didnt grow up with drug addicted parents myself but my teenage ex boyfriend (and friend still) did. His parents had been really successful in the arts but had got hooked on heroin, crack, cocaine and cannabis. His mum was a genuinely warm, kind and nurturing person at heart underneath it all so he and his brother never suffered the same abuse as you exactly but they were neglected and went through school always feeling 'other' with their scruffy clothes and social services involvement.

What stood out for me was how selfish the addiction made his parents. I think this was a side of his dad that was always there (extremely spoilt as a child and young adult) but his parents always insisted they knew best, they were on top of the addiction, the authorities were in the wrong, they made excuses for not buying Christmas presents or having addicts and dealers at the house all night.

It was so difficult for him simply not being a priority to his parents and not being able to rely on them for anything, even working toilets as the house was dilapidated, or food. He's doing well for himself and has a wonderful partner but the scars run deep.

Hi OP I work with young people who have been excluded from mainstream schools, often because of substance abuse in the family. I find it so sad when I see parents being so selfish and not seeing the massive damage they’re doing to their kids literally day after day. As their teachers we try to give them what they lack at home, not materially but in terms of decent respectful conversations, a listening ear, valuing their opinions, building self esteem and offering hope for their futures.
I’m so happy to read your story and how well you’ve done, the odds are sadly stacked against these young people but those around them have a massive duty to compensate as far as possible for what’s happening at home.
I too have thought about fostering when my kids are older, although I have seen first hand what a massive challenge it can sometimes be. I have the hugest respect for foster careers, particularly of the “difficult to place” teens. They are amazing.
Good luck to you OP and congratulations on your journey so far.

@ThatCurlyGirl - I am also from a council estate, well a couple of them actually, back then i used to think i dont want this life, as soon as im old enough im getting away from here, i was thinking of joining the army to escape her, but it would of meant leaving my sisters to fend for themselves. I dread to think where i could of been now if i wasnt put into foster care :)

@Kahlua4me - wow your friends story is amazing, well done to her :)
i dont tend to dwell on my past anymore, but every now and again a memory will pop into my head and i just go with it, it does feel like it happened to someone else.
i remember our windows being smashed on one occasion and her boyfriend was trying to get in the house to hurt her, have u ever been that scared that u cant stop shaking, i think i was around 7 years old then, this was todays random memory. iv just remembered, as there was never any food, we were always hungry, i now have a weird relationship with food, i kind of hoard it, and i feel so much pleasure when my cupboards and fridge are full :)