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Original poster

WWYD? Friend trying to get me to admit feelings for him

55 replies

TTSS · 17/05/2019 21:45

I have a very dear friend who means a great deal to me. I’m very very attracted to him and I think he likes me too but I’m not 100% sure. I slipped up recently and said a couple of things that have got him suspicious and now he’s digging deeper and deeper and he’s told me that he won’t give up until he gets to the bottom of it.

The problem is that he’s the kind of person who is likely to go NC if this is a one sided thing. I really like him but I’m so scared of losing his friendship. He’s my best friend.

WWYD? Should I just keep dodging the question? He’s not going to give up.

OP posts:
Gigglinghysterically · 17/05/2019 22:36

OP, can you give us an idea of what you let slip and the way in which he is digging?

If may be that he doesn't want to open himself up to being rejected so wants to make you actually declare your feelings first.

I get what you mean about why he may go nc if your feelings aren't reciprocated. It doesn't mean he's a bad friend at all.

LuluBellaBlue · 17/05/2019 22:41

If he genuinely had equal feelings for you he would say.
Sorry OP but it sounds like you’re his ego massage

ThatCurlyGirl · 17/05/2019 22:48

Wouldn't a nice bloke just say they were attracted to you and ask if it's mutual?

Or say that if you fancy them they'd like to know as it may affect the friendship for you and they just want to be friends?

A good man doesn't "dig deeper" around a subject you are clearly not comfortable being frank about.

Hope he doesn't turn into your boyfriend TBH coz he sounds like a right headfuck.

StarLine · 17/05/2019 22:50

I'm not sure why it doesn't seem odd to you that he is determined to go digging for these feelings? Why can't he just have a straight-up conversation with you and let you know how he feels?

I'd think a good friend would do that, rather than putting you in this awkward situation and all this turmoil and anxiety.

littleyellowpencil · 17/05/2019 23:15

Be blasé about it

"Yes, I think I have feelings for you but take it as a compliment! Certainly doesn't need to ruin a fabulous friendship. I'm ok in it, and it's probably a phase, so stop asking and carry on as normal thanks!"

littleyellowpencil · 17/05/2019 23:15

He might well then say that he feels the same!

SandyY2K · 17/05/2019 23:22

In all this time you've been friends, have neither of you been in another relationship?

How old are you both? It sounds like you're both youngish.

MyOtherProfile · 17/05/2019 23:25

He's putting you on the back foot. Don't let him. Ask him if he has feelings for you.

HappyBumbleBee · 17/05/2019 23:31

Be honest with him. ....it sounds to me like he wants or needs confirmation from you about how you feel about him. Maybe he's feeling the same but scared to say so - so is using whatever you let slip as a way of bringing it up. I think you both need to talk xx

MMmomDD · 17/05/2019 23:32

It all sounds weird.

If you must - why can’t you simply tell him that you find him attractive - just like he told you you were beautiful. But that you value your friendship and won’t risk it.. blah blah...
This gives him an out or an in. In equal measures.
You can also tell him - he isn’t the only man you find attractive in this world. Yes?

Scarlettmaid · 17/05/2019 23:43

He is the one doing the digging... So if you tell him and it makes him uncomfortable he will only have himself to blame. I had a couple of friends falling for me- granted, that was many years ago- and I could tell. I would never have pushed them into a confession, in fact I completely dreaded having to have the talk and say no. Frankly, if he asks you to tell him only to turn you down, he is an arsehole.
On the other hand, he might want you to confess to your feelings so you can both start a relationship.
So... By telling him you will find out. He is either a shy guy who likes you, or he is an arsehole who doesn't respect your boundaries. Probably best to find out either way.

CodenameVillanelle · 17/05/2019 23:50

Unrequited love is not friendship.

IABUQueen · 18/05/2019 00:03

" what’s wrong with you digging as if you are looking for more? Do you have a crush on me or something? I can maybe consider fancying you if you do but If not we can stay friends”

Original poster
TTSS · 18/05/2019 00:49

In answer to some of your questions. We’re not that young but are both fairly inexperienced in that we’ve had just a handful of partners each. We’re both quite shy when it comes to relationships. I can totally imagine me fancying him but not wanting to let on in case he doesn’t feel the same way about me and him having exactly the same emotions about me!

When I say digging I mean he’s asking the odd question in a flirty yet persistent way. I think my evasion and coyness is probably just encouraging him to dig deeper.

He’s a lovely person. I’m in an occupation where I meet a lot of men and he really stands out as one of the rare good guys.

OP posts:
Original poster
TTSS · 18/05/2019 00:51

He's putting you on the back foot. Don't let him. Ask him if he has feelings for you.
When I was younger I totally would have done this. But as I have got older I think I’ve changed, maybe become more shy and reluctant to get my heart broken again.

OP posts:
FlipperSocks · 18/05/2019 02:02

It seems like he's interested to know, and probably not because he wants to lose you as a friend.

Maybe you could have the kind of discussion where you say how much you value him as a friend and sometimes you wonder if there could be something more between you both. You wouldn't be laying everything on the line or making any grand declarations but opening an opportunity for him to let you know if he shares these feelings. It sounds like a caring friendship you have already.

EmptyChairsEmptyTables · 18/05/2019 02:38

I think you need to know even if it means losing him. I’ve recently moved on from a similar unrequited situation and it was horrible and hard but I never regret it as it didn’t take long to realise how much the ‘friendship’ was holding me back. When you have someone in your day to day life like that they become like a tree that blocks out the sun. I still miss the tree but it’s so much better now I’m back in the sun

category12 · 18/05/2019 14:09

Op, you do need to know where you stand. You can't live a half life hoping for him. I know you think having him in your life at any price is worth it, but eh, life is short. Don't waste it eating your heart out for someone unavailable.

ThatCurlyGirl · 18/05/2019 15:48

I've been on the other side of this OP and lost two friends who it turns out had strong feelings for me and said they were in love with me.

I felt if I'm honest that it tasnished the friendships so much that I personally found it best to disconnect completely. It made me really sad but I was angry they hadn't told me sooner.

I had no idea. Honestly.

But looking back I think did they really hate that bloke I was seeing, or were they jealous? They pushed lots away for various reasons. Was it really ok we'd always share a bed after a night out (no cuddling nothing) or did they look at me or think things while I slept? Did they come through for me at times I needed them because they thought I'd see a side of them I would fall for too, rather than showing me genuine friendship? Did they say my outfit was cool because we always talked clothes and shared a style, or because they fancied me?

I never once fucked with their heads. I didn't know. Then I did. Then I disconnected because they weren't silly crushes but grown men who harboured unrequited love for years.

It lost me two best friends and made me question two friendships I previously thought would be lifelong.

Get your feelings established both sides and make a firm decision as to whether to try anything more than friendship. If the answer is no then seriously consider if you can continue being friends if one side is romantically invested.

I'm assuming the best of your mate here but he sounds at best immature and at worst a manipulative dickhead.

Haffdonga · 18/05/2019 16:57

Just be honest in a no big deal kind of way.

God yeah, course I fancy you. You're hot! I'd love to rip your clothes off but wouldn't want to spoil our friendship so I promise not to do anything inappropriate!

Dieu · 18/05/2019 17:26

Why is he digging? Sounds to me like he wants the ego boost. He is more than likely already aware that you like him.

rvby · 18/05/2019 21:48

He sounds like a fuckwit and you sound like you are enjoying the drama and tension you are creating tbh.

Normal people just say how they feel, let the chips fall as they may, and take the best next step from there. You won't die without him if he ends up ghosting you for liking him. If he does, well hes proven he is indeed a fuckwit then, so good riddance.

NotStayingIn · 18/05/2019 22:06

Sorry this makes no sense. He is digging for info, which if he gets it you say might lead him to do the ‘honourable’ thing and go NC. Eh?

So either he really likes you, and wants you to admit you like him too. Or he isn’t interested but wants you to admit you like him for his ego boost and that he can then dump you as a friend. ????

I think you can drop the idea of the ‘honourable - will go NC stuff’. He either likes you or wants the ego boost. All the rest is you projecting these slightly selfless qualities onto him which going by his behaviour don’t ring true.

EmptyChairsEmptyTables · 19/05/2019 00:07

thatcurlygirl do you ever regret letting them go and not returning their feelings?

PoorRichard · 19/05/2019 00:10

What NotStayingin said. He sounds as if he’s after an ego boost, regardless of his feelings. Yuck.