Has anyone ever felt an intense chemistry with someone who is really not the sort of person you should be looking at dating?

[SarahCKITTY]

Name changed as this may be outing.

So I met this guy at work a few months ago, first time we met was a very brief introduction. I immediately fancied him, and I don't know why, he is not particularly handsome, he is probably the nicer side of average. Over the last few months we have worked together on and off and there is a very intense sexual chemistry. So much so that others have remarked on it (we are both single by the way).

For a variety of different reasons he is probably not suitable to date and definitely not the sort of person my head tells me to date! However, I cannot deny this weird chemistry that I have with him. I could literally talk to him about anything for hours on end. Although nothing has been said, I am almost certain he feels the same way.

What I want to know is, has anyone every been immensely attracted to someone who is unsuitable to date. What did you do? Did it end in tears or work out? I'm in my early 40's and have literally never been like this with anyone since school, I'm actually almost embarrassed by it. Why so I have such a chemistry with this man?

For the record, I feel he is unsuitable to date due to the fact he is gong through a messy divorce and appears to have a lot of emotional baggage.

Everyone has some type of baggage they're hauling around. I think you should go for it with him. Why not?? Attraction like that is hard to find. If he's a nice person you can take it slow and see how it goes. If you pick up on any red flags you can end it immediately. What have you got to lose?

Divorce isn't that bad. Unless he cheated or was abusive or something. Go for it!

And re your actual q. Yes, of course. I have ashore but powerful list of lusts for deeply unsuitable men where there was immense chemistry.

A short... not ashore!

Definately go for it and take it for what it is if going through a messy divorce don't over invest yourself in him good luck x

Why is he not suitable to date? (Or just shag?)

It was like that with my DH; on paper he was totally unsuitable and not what I would normally go for. We managed to make it work though.

I would start slow with him to give him the space to get though his divorce and decide for yourself about his “emotional baggage”. By this time in life isn’t everyone carrying someone baggage though?

Ah sorry, didn’t see your last bit.

If you fancy him a lot and just want a fling, see what happens, and if he moans about his ex or issues make clear that while you’re sorry about his divorce/emotional heartache but don’t want to hear too much about it!

If you’re looking for a serious relationship, accept the chemistry but avoid, and stop having long chats with him.

Yep and yep. But neither of us were single. So obv did not progress. But you are, so make the most of it. If it doesn't last, well hey ho, at least you tried. And I'll bet it will be fun!

Dating co-workers is a bad idea on principle, in my opinion. Is this why you think he's unsuitable?

Yes I have. Nasty piece of work but the chemistry was just so there. Would’ve had a miserable life with him though.

The thing is, you need to trust your instincts here..
what is making you hesitate???

If this guy is only unsuitable because he doesn't tick the boxes you've drawn, that is literally nothing.

The men I've fallen hook, line and sinker for have ALL gone against my type.. e.g.. two bald (NOOOOOO!) and one 14 years older than me and separated. Ultimately they didn't work out but none (one exception) were disasters.

Yes, I was married to my (now ex) DH with two children - experienced huge sexual chemistry with a woman. Completely inappropriate. I'm now divorced from the DH and married to the woman.

Just shag him, you don’t need to live happily ever after.

Yes!
I once became so infatuated with a man at the dog park. I told my friend being near him made me want to crawl inside his skin to be closer to him. It was such a weird intense feeling. It ended poorly though.

I had a connection with someone some years ago. We met when I was 16 and he was 30, he was flirty and I fell under his spell completely. For all the time that I knew him, there was something between us. I lost my virginity to him at 17, he was sexy and charismatic. Neither of us wanted an exclusive relationship for different reasons (he was married, unknown to me, I knew he was a womaniser because he also slept with my friend) but we had chemistry and this weird pull towards each other. He wasn't shy at introducing me to his friends, which is how I didn't realise he was married, and would always be on call to make sure I got home safely after a night out. He was a bouncer, and all the other bouncers in the town knew I had a thing with him and treated me well - I never paid for entry into anywhere, and if I was being hassled they would come and see if I was alright.

When I look back now I don't really understand how either of us got into the fucked up dynamic. We only had sex a few times, kissed a lot, and he was lovely to me whilst at the same time being a bastard of a man. I didn't care though because I saw him as a friend with benefits. The connection lasted through my engagement to an abusive man and the early part of my marriage, although nothing sexual happened after I met DH. There was just a lot of intense flirting, which was effectively harmless as I was very clear those days were over. I haven't seen him for at least 10 years but I reckon the chemistry would still be there.

Yep. With a man who is 22 years older than me. I am 42. I went with it and we are having a brilliant time and are totally loved up.

Yes I wasted years of my life. He asked me out a few times too, I changed the subject. Even though he turned me on so much, just passing in chat, I just sensed life wouldn't be relaxed and happy with him. There was a power dynamic I wasn't comfortable with. Although I would have loved to shag him, in a way I'm glad it hasn't came to anything. I suppose his mannerism were like my family members and there was just the right feeling with attraction sometimes it makes sense to hesitate.

Yeah, there's this bloke at work, he's at least 20 years older than me I. E. Old enough to be my dad but I don't know what it is, I just want every inch of him.

I know he feels it too : but can tell he's downplaying it, oh, she's young enough to be my daughter etc etc, too young for me.

I can't really speak when I'm around him, I act very goofy.

You should totally date your fella op, he's divorced, not some monster 👾!

Why is he getting divorced? You probably won't ever get the full story on that, because you're not going to be mates with his wife.

In my experience, more divorces than not are due to the men, usually due to infidelity of some sort. If he's very flirty, charismatic etc that may well have been what happened - in which case he falls under the 'avoid' category (or snog/shag if you can be stone cold about sex, which many women cannot).

Incidentally men who've been unfaithful almost never admit it, so don't expect to get the real story from him, should the subject come up. He'll somehow be a victim, no matter what he's done.

@managedmis can't you just go for it? I did and don't regret it at all. He is currently sleeping next to me. And I do think they improve with age ;)

Yes huge chemistry with someone I knew was unsuitable. When we eventually got together the sex was actually an anticlimax after all the build up. I learnt that strong chemistry should not override common sense and not to be too guided by pheromones !

Yep... and married him... and don't regret a thing.