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Original poster

Why can he change for her, but couldn’t for his wife? :(

41 replies

Missbee90 · 17/05/2019 16:08

Just that really...

Posted a few times and always received such wise words so needing a little support today.

29, was with my ex husband for 11 years and married a year when he came home and quite simply told me he didn’t love me anymore and I deserved better than how he treated me. He’s now with someone else, there was no OW (trust me on that) I don’t have him on social media and I’ve asked friends to stop telling me stuff about what he’s doing.. but people still talk.

He wasn’t a bad husband, he was just selfish but I was used too it.. now I hear how he’s quit certain hobbies to spend time with his new girlfriend, constantly taking her away on surprises and being the dream boyfriend.

I just don’t get it, how can someone leave their wife because they deserve better but then go on to treat the new girlfriend like a queen.

OP posts:
Pixikitten0123 · 17/05/2019 16:14

He’s on the first impression mission by the sound of it. It won’t last forever. Xxx

CarolDanvers · 17/05/2019 16:18

It won't last. It never does. I'm sure you'd never have married him if he'd shown his true selfish self when you first started dating. This is how they reel us in. The real him will pop up anywhere between 6 months and two years in and it will be up to her whether she wants to put up with it or not or even notices it. We all have different tolerance levels.

SandyY2K · 17/05/2019 16:29

It could be 2 things.

He's out to impress...we always show our best side initially.

Or...she won't put up with his selfishness, where you did.

If he's not a good boyfriend on the honeymoon stages...then she would dump him. She has no attachment like you did just yet.

ravenmum · 17/05/2019 16:31

It's hard to change your ways with someone you've been with a long time. And if you are starting to think that you're with the wrong person, then that's another incentive not to make any extra effort. Sounds like he wanted to start again with a totally clean slate. I would imagine that he might manage to be a slightly better partner, but that doesn't reflect on you. He shouldn't have married you knowing that he wasn't keen enough to make any effort. He wasn't honest with you.

ChristmasFluff · 17/05/2019 16:35

He's not changed, he's just on his best behaviour. Just like the abusive men who don't punch anyone in the face on a first date - he'll turn back into the selfish oaf he always was as soon as he thinks he's got her fished in.

Oh, and these people who can't respect your wishes to not hear about him? Ditch them too, at least until hearing about him won't bring you pain.

NameChangeNugget · 17/05/2019 16:36

I think @SandyY2K has summed it up perfectly

Pipandmum · 17/05/2019 16:38

for the same reason men split up with women who want a kid and they don’t and the next thing you hear is they are with some one else over the moon that she’s pregnant! I’m afraid he just fell out of love with you and is now in love with someone else. And maybe he realises he needs to make more effort this time.

zippey · 17/05/2019 16:40

On the positive side, this could be him turning over a new leaf. He may have grown up learned how to be a better person.

user1486131602 · 17/05/2019 16:50

Two points:
Leopards don’t change their spots.
After a couple of months he may revert to being as he was with you.

11years ago you were both young:
So, maybe he has matured enough to want to be different

Sorry that you are hurting over this. Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Original poster
Missbee90 · 17/05/2019 17:07

Thank you everyone, he met his new girlfriend 3 weeks after he left me at a friends wedding I couldn’t bring myself to go to.. so they’ve been together nearly a year now so I imagine honeymoon phase is wearing off and perhaps she genuinely does just make him happier. It’s hard to stomach because we didn’t have a bad relationship he just got in to a rut of putting me last and lying about stupid things pretty much straight after the wedding which then would cause an argument because I wouldn’t stand for poor behaviour and things just went downhill and he then confessed he had been behaving poorly in the hope I’d fall out of love too as he hadn’t loved me for 6 months.. all very brain baffling but slowly I’ll get through it 💕

OP posts:
Walkingthedog46 · 17/05/2019 17:15

He’s setting his stall out to impress her. Once the novelty wears off he’ll revert to type.

cookiechomper · 17/05/2019 17:29

He's probably in the honeymoon phase and on his best behaviour. Or harsh as it is, it could be that he didn't see you as worth changing for as he does with her. I think the first is more likely, but people do go on to meet other people better suited to themselves. It's nothing against you and you probably did nothing wrong but his feelings for you had changed.

ScreamingLadySutch · 17/05/2019 17:30

Being totally in love tends to last 18 months - 2 years (Limerance).

If he was selfish with you, he is not magically going to change. Being selfish is NOT about you, its about him.

He will get her on her weak spots, trust.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/05/2019 17:32

I agree with SandyY2K

madcatladyforever · 17/05/2019 17:34

Oh trust me once they've been going out for a while he will revert to type.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2019 17:37

Because he wants to ?

For now

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 17/05/2019 17:45

I left my exh for numerous reasons and I’m totally happy with my decision.
I did struggle a little when he got a new girlfriend and changed. So, he had bad anxiety so we couldn’t go out yet when he met her they were out and about all the time. He had let his personal hygiene go and yet when he met her he started shaving, washing, having haircuts etc. Why couldn’t he do that for me?! Was I an enabler? Oh I had all the doubts. Then time went on, he couldn’t keep it up and the “real” him re-emerged. I take no pleasure in his mental health issues but I was so glad when I saw him repeating the behaviour he’d shown with me. I realised it wasn’t me, it was him and he couldn’t keep up the changes.

Now, I just think I was daft to even be put out by it all but it’s easier said than done. Don’t take it to heart and read all the wise words re limerence on here,

Original poster
Missbee90 · 17/05/2019 17:47

I probably also should’ve mentioned that he struggled with finances when we was together and was forever living beyond his means, I bought him out of the house we shared and he got £55k so I can imagine having the cash is helping to lift the mood and given him the ability to do all the nice things. Sad thing is, I never wanted luxury trips or surprises all the time, just wanted a little more time.

I agree that there really are 2 options perhaps he has met someone perfect for him and is finally happy or it’s new, exciting and may wear off.

Ultimately I need to get out of my pity party and remind myself that whether he’s happy or not really shouldn’t affect my own happiness.

OP posts:
userxx · 17/05/2019 17:59

Yes, don't give him the headspace, who gives a flying fuck if he's happy or not. Your only concern now is yourself and your happiness. It's so easy to try and dissect everything, but it's a waste of time as you'll never know the answers.

I'm pretty sure the £55k won't last him long, frittering it away on holidays is madness.

Justbreathing · 17/05/2019 18:06

A year is no time in a relationship so I would say still in honeymoon phase.
Perhaps he has changed and realised that he doesn’t want to ruin another relationship

I know how hard it is when you’re feeling behind in the getting over it stakes. But you will get there eventually. It just takes time.
X

Gigglinghysterically · 17/05/2019 18:07

You were very young when you got together and often men and women mature at different rates.

He may have learnt his lessons from his behaviour with you and just find that, with his new-found maturity, it's easier to put it into practice with someone who doesn't know what he's been like in the past.

RaptorWhiskers · 17/05/2019 18:13

how can someone leave their wife because they deserve better but then go on to treat the new girlfriend like a queen
He’s not saying you deserve better than him. He’s saying you deserve better than someone (him) who doesn’t give a shit about you. Obviously he does give a shit about his new gf.

PickAChew · 17/05/2019 18:24

My ex did this. He reverted to type pretty much the day he officially got his feet under her table. And worse.

Leah2005 · 17/05/2019 18:26

I was with ex h for 16 years when he left. We have a son who was 3 at the time. I thought we had a lovely marriage! Ex h was having an affair which ended 6 weeks after leaving me. He took up with another girl who was troubled with complicated ex partners - I suspect because it was easy and he had no where to live. They split up and he tried very hard to make it right between them. I couldn't understand how he would fight so hard for this but could have walked away so easily from me. My ex sil suggested it was because he knew he'd fucked up with our relationship and was trying not to repeat the same mistake iyswim (I don't know if she was right). Perhaps it's the same here - he's learnt from his mistake with you.

Lifeisabeach09 · 17/05/2019 18:34

OP, it's hard and it hurts but he did you a massive favour. He has cut you loose so you can find someone whom you'll be happy with and who will love you as you want. He didn't wait until you had eight kids and were much older, iyswim.
You are a young, independent woman with your own home. You have a great future ahead of you.
If the marriage was, for the most part, good, wish him well and move on.

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